If I Were A Guest on the New Joy Behar Show
by Victoria Jackson
(Applause. The air is titillating. The mood rambunctious. The atmosphere tense. Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”)
Joy: Hello, Victoria. So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well…
Joy: I suppose you like Sarah Palin! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well, I love her, she is so…
Joy: She is so dumb! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: No, I don’t think that…
Joy: Just like George Bush. He was an idiot! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, no…he protected…
Joy: Ha, ha! So, I suppose you aren’t a big fan of President Obama!
Victoria: Uh, …Tort Reform.
Joy: Because he is so charismatic, and well spoken and sexy…
Victoria: Tort Reform?!
Joy: And his wife’s arms!! So you don’t like his Health Care Plan because you are a racist?!
Victoria: Tort Reform.
Joy: See? You are. You didn’t vote for him, did you?!
Victoria: Um… huge tax increase, insured illegals, rationed and low quality health care, lack of doctors, tax funded abortions, collapse of the middle class, death of freedom, Cap ‘n Trade/Tax – Bad, Marxist agenda…
Joy: You don’t just play a ditz on TV! You are a ditz! We’ll be right back after this commercial.
(Hair and Makeup come to the set and tidy up the middle aged faces.)
Joy: So, we’re back with Victoria who does not have a show, and I do! So…why do you hate Obama?!
Victoria: Well, I don’t hate anyone, I’m just concerned about our country becoming…
Joy: He is such a good speaker!
Victoria: … Communist. Van Jones was not an accident. The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children. Socialized medicine does not work…
Joy: (To camera) You see? I can’t even have one conservative on my show until they start yelling, and cursing, and bitching! What is it with you people?! You are so full of HATE! Remind me, never to have these stupid A–holes on my show again! (To producer off stage) Get me Janeane Garofalo! She is a genius! Jesus!
Victoria: How can you take Jesus’ name in vain if you are Catholic?
Joy: What? Oi Vey! I’m not even Jewish! I’m gonna puke! Take me to a commercial! Save me!
(Applause and fade to commercial)




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133 Comments
Funny! I stopped watching the View because I just could not stand this woman anymore, but I still love you Elizabeth Hasselbeck!
Seriously, that Joy Behar has a show while Victoria Jackson doesn't is just… preposterous.
Are you listening, FNC?
Funny play on the Sheen/Obama interview.
Between Joy and Whoopi (it is not rape, rape) I would have a heart attack watching them.
Modern liberal rules for debating with conservatives and libertarians.
1. The liberal is correct.
2. Failure to recognize rule #1 is proof positive the non-liberal is a moron.
3. Commence with childish, immature insults, and use that as proof of your moral superiority.
Joy Behar has to be the least informed person on television.
U got that right!
Victoria, if you were a guest on the Joy Behar Show, I would suffer through it for the first and last time in my life.
Hilarious, yet another great post! FNC, Mrs. Jackson needs to have her own show.
Joy Behar is one of the main reasons I never was a view watcher…
Don't worry Victoria, Joy has the intelligence of a gnat… hence why she always uses the same talking points and is sarcastic, because she doesn't have the intelligence to actually debate a brick wall…
Hey FOX NEWS are you reading this ? Give the woman her own weekend show, right between Huckabee and Geraldo. It would make for a killer lineup !
with all due respect, I feel a need to hassle you for ever watching the view in the first place. Elizabeth doesn't need that joke of a show.
Joy Behar epitomizes the face of liberal women, hateful and VERY unhappy.
Ditto!
You are kidding about that woman getting a show of her own, are'nt you?
I really can't stand those vacuous View harpies, but I'd watch any show where Victoria had a chance to speak a few uncomfortable truths to those twits.
If Victoria didn't write for Saturday Night Live during the years she so brilliantly graced their stage, she should have.
But please, dear Victoria, don't ever EVER go on Bully Behar's show!
Hey Victoria, rock on with your free speechin ways. Keep up the fight against the liberal hordes.
Yes she does. She is a marginal celebrity at best ("I was on Survivor–and lost!!"), and her "clothing line" is a joke. She is just as unqualified as the other hosts to harangue me with her opinions. They'e ALL morons.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Big Hollywood, Michael Chavez. Michael Chavez said: If I Were A Guest on the New Joy Behar Show http://bit.ly/41oFrP [...]
I've seen more Joy on the face of a crocodile.
maatkare, I don't understand how what you just said answers my question? She must have plenty of money, so . . oh well, never mind.
Another quick one way to waste money from CNN executives by producing Behar show. The idea is sure money loser.
She has money due to the show–if she left, she'd be considerably poorer, so yes, she DOES need the joke of a show to maintain her lifestyle.
Ha ha. Her name certainly doesn't reflect her personality, at least not according to that picture of her. She looks like she was just sucking on a lemon
I always enjoyed listening to them talk and debate relevant and current topics. I actually enjoy hearing both sides of a debate as long as its done in a respectable manner. Problem is, things started turning ugly when Rosie O'Donnell was on the show, and then when she left, Joy took over.
I think Elizabeth is very bright and funny and I like hearing her opinions even if I don't always agree.
Wow, Joy, Are you kidding me? You're right where you belong on CNN-Communist News Network. You're the most unpleasant person I've seen, alongside of your hero: Janeane Garofalo! All you LIBERALS do is put people down, call them racist and treat your guest like crap. What upstanding human beings. You have no argument against the truth, so just like cowards, you just try to destroy people by talking to them like dirt. We aren't the stupid people you think we are………….you better wake up.
I have never heard of Joy Behar and my guess is, this column is all I will ever hear of her.
two jokes/insults.
Joy Behar has a show? Really
and
I've seen funnier people on a public bus! Especailly the guy talking to himself, he's smarter than Joy too!
Joy Behar,The village idiot,
Go out side and find a nice, frost-covered, flag pole and stick your tongue to it. Then rip it off really fast. After the bleeding stops, start pummeling your head against the flag pole. This is what it feels like listening to "The View" ladies discussing politics. Somehow I feel like my method would be less painful.
[...] Jackson comin at ya with one of the least vital “what if…” scenarios ever posited: “If I Were a Guest on the New Joy Behar Show.” (Applause. The air is titillating. [...]
SLAM!!! Thank you Ms. Jackson!
Way to call Joy Boar on the carpet!
A spot on depiction of the left's intolerance and hypocrisy.
Joy is on cnn? wow, they are really scraping the bottom.
Eh… to be fair, we were putting Joy Behar down too… eh well… at least we put them down with an ounce of human decency… and with a genuine smile on our faces.. .:D
Be glad, your life is better for it.
Any idea on how much she makes from that? Do the clothes sell? Isn't she married to some quarterback or espn guy or something? I just figured she would hardly starve. More importantly, though, PLEASE tell me you don't let them harangue you with their opinions? (whew, thanking you in advance . . . I knew you wouldn't watch that crap!)
Apparently they just bought a multi-million dollar new condo in NYC, so I think Baba Wawa pays pretty damn well over there on top of his salary. (Don't know who her hubby commentates for, but I never see him when I watch football.) And bless you for your faith in me, but let's just say…over the summer I had a long stretch of unemployment, and, well, one thing led to another after I'd make my a.m. work inquiry calls…I'm happily back to work and cured now, tho.
Has anyone ever seen Joy Boar and Keith Uberdork at the same location at the same time?
I love Victoria, but that picture of Joy is enough to put you off lunch.
Here’s something you don’t see everyday. If you want to smear someonewho isn’t a Right-winger, write a fake interview and make the person look like they were actually saying those things. Post it on a website and listen to all the righties say in a hateful fashion how all the liberals are hateful.
(WHERE'S OPEN THREAD TUESDAY?)
Here’s an interesting news item. Republicans expect to pick up seats in 2010 so they can challenge Democrats like Al Franken who use their position to launch unfair attacks against Halliburton. A few more good Republicans in the Senate would have defeated this Al Franken liberal outrage.
http://thinkprogress.org/2009/10/07/kbr-rape-fran...
http://www.republicansforrape.org/legislators/
Aren't you proud to be a Republican, Victoria?
Sign me up as a loyal member of the audience. Hasta la Victoria de Victoria final!
Better yet, who needs either Huky or Jerry? Viva Victoria!
Victoria, you just hit the proverbial nail on the head my friend!!!!! You are terrific.
Now the Tea Partiers have to begin to "party" where real political power lies: inside a political party — by becoming a voting member of the Republican Party, the best, strongest adversary to the Debtocrat Party. The Republican Party Platform is conservative; the problem is, there's not enough conservatives in the Party to make sure the leadership and candidates and elected Republicans embrace and follow the virtues, values and principles set forth in the Platform and our Constitution and Bill of Rights.
Want to really "do something"? Become a Republican Party precinct committeeman ("PC").
Go here to learn more: http://www.theprecinctproject.wordpress.com
PCs get to vote for the leadership of the Party and help determine, by majority vote, which candidates get the endorsement of the Party in the Republican primary races. Only takes a few hours of time a month. With half the PC slots in the Party nationwide vacant, and with a fifty-fifty split right now between conservatives and moderate RINOs in the PC ranks, the Party is there for the taking by conservatives/libertarians if we'd all just get off our duffs and get to a meeting of the local GOP and volunteer to become a PC. Want to save your country? Then invigorate the "main enemy" of the Debtocrat/Socialist Party with your presence.
(By the way, half of the Party leadership, the moderates, DON'T WANT YOU TO BECOME A PC, BECAUSE THEY AND THEIR RINO CRONIES WILL GET VOTED OUT OF THE LEADERSHIP — THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THIS BASIC CIVICS.)
Becoming a PC should be every conservative's first priority. Blogging and carrying a sign at a Tea Party or attending a town hall is great, but unless we have better leadership and candidates in the main adversary party, the Debtocrats will get returned to power. It's all about the Constitution and all about winning the elections. The best way to restore the Constitution and to have better candidates who respect the Constitution is to join the Republican Party at the grass roots and make it happen. It's a numbers game. The more conservatives we have in the Party in the precinct committeemen ranks, the more likely it will be that we'll get better elected leadership within the Party and in the general elections. Michael Steele was elected not by registered Republicans but by the precinct committeemen in all fifty states.
Also, you can go to http://www.redstate.com to learn more, too. Just type in the words precinct and committeeman into the search pane and hit the search button and links to a lot of good info will be presented too you.
Thank you.
Cold Warrior
I am only one. But I am a conservative Republican precinct committeeman and desperately trying to get other Constitution-loving conservatives and libertarians to do the same.
http://www.redstate.com/coldwarrior/2009/09/02/43...
…..as are ALL the folks loitering around the methadone clinic!
I seriously doubt joyless bee-hair would have a clue as to what Tort Reform is….. to her, Torts are some desert she had at a NYC resturant…. and she loved them! so why on earth do they need to be reformed??
Listening and watching liberals is like reliving middle school.
ALL of those old has beens on the View make me sick. They won't be happy until kids can have gay sex on there show and then the teacher can marry them. Now that would make them smile!
Hey Mrs. J!!! Lovin' your style. Keep fighting the good fight!
Hey, I think I saw that episode!! Too funny, Victoria, you nailed it!
Behar looks like she's going to punish someone…for their own good, of course.
I can just see the words coming out of the picture: "I am so disappointed in you…"
Joy Behar – A woman with a colostomy bag for a brain and a sphincter for a mouth. Woopi and Joy are only separated by 6 small degrees. Both have terminal cases of mental constipation and verbal diarrhea.
Joy Behar – A woman with a colostomy bag for a brain and a sphincter for a mouth. Whoopi Goldberg – An amoral shrew with a racist chip on her shoulder. Whoopi and Joy are only separated by 6 small degrees. Both have terminal cases of mental constipation and verbal diarrhea.
"The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children."
This is the only part of this that would sound like a genuine parody. Unfortunately, she's not making fun of herself…
It's funny because it's true.
Have you ever been to the aintitcoolnews.com talkback forums? They're especially fond of rule number three.
Yes, Victoria Jackson should have a TV show! She is hysterical! A REAL, honest to goodness sit-com, not another one of those stupid reality shows.
That's rich….a bunch of loser liberals twisting everything to bash republicans…..what a shock. This is like every other idiot liberal attack. Didn't agree with the amendment? You must love rape. (Nevermind that every signature on Roman Polanski's petition was from a liberal, guess that means liberals are all child rapists)
Don't agree with Obama's policies? Must be a racist. Don't want government run healthcare? You must want poor people to die.
You guys are BOOOOORIIIING…..
You bet it's true, I grew up as a liberal in NY. I know liberals – and their tricks – inside and out. I can spot one a mile away.
In order to atone for using these very tactics on conservatives for 25 years (and using them very well), I see it as my duty to show you conservatives just how they do it. I'm trying to level the playing field.
If you think you are having a debate with a liberal, 75% of the time you're not. They're setting you up for a metaphorical sucker punch. The other 25% that do actually debate in good faith aren't really liberals, they only think they are.
When some one is convinced they already know everything, it's pointless to become informed.
If she were a guest, I'd do my best to talk her out of it. That's not a conversation show, that's an ambush.
Fortunately she can compensate by being the smartest person she knows!
Propaganda usually is a money loser, the return on investment is not cash.
What is a Joy Behar? Where did she come from?
Actually I see it in various forms all the times on the left. How about anytime a liberal pundit writes a column claiming to know exactly what their opponents think?
Let's take the recent event of left wingers deciding that anyone who doesn't blindly support Obamacare is a racist? Having never met me, spoken to me, debated with me, they all assume they have the intellect to know what's really in my heart, and ruled it's racism?
Also, I think its in poor taste to post that second URL. Hardly dignifies any point you are trying to make. How ever it does make my point, because who ever is behind that site, is doing the exact same thing, convinced they know what Republicans stand for, and consider it rape.
Bingo, that's exactly what they do. They act like petulant little brats. Guys on the right need to wake up, you're not fighting the battle you think you are.
How many shows can CNN and MSPMS put on the air when nobody watches them and make any money.
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Bravo Victoria..
Joy Behar is a vile loud mouth broad with a nu yuk accent… she needs to be taken to the wood shed and put in her place…… What is her talent,,,,??? maybe she has a flat head and padded knees……
Way to go, Victoria.
You give blondes an AWESOME rep.
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Yes, I do want Victoria to be my new BFF… you rock, girl!
Excellent post (as always).
"Get me Janeane Garofalo! She is a genius! Jesus! "
GAROFALO is a man in drag and a really bad dresser….. opps,, or was that Behar dressing up as a woman?? can't tell the difference…. maybe they are the same person????? because there can't be two people so stupid and totally without talent……
Victoria! You are awesome!
Those nut-bags on that crazy show which we will not mention…should really go away. But I guess they have a right to have a show. I have the right not to watch!
You lost me with loving Sarah Palin. Pathetic
That cretin is Catholic?!?!?
Really…………….
Then, I must use my nascent papal powers and excommunicate it to some other planet. Preferably one without an atmosphere.
What is that saying things are funnier when true. Thanks for the laughs.
Give her Huckabee's time slot. Or Gerry Rivers. She'd be an improvement on either one.
I would love to hear Victoria talk for hours about Obama and his socialist agenda and then in the next breath talk how George W was a true conservative and what this country needs while ignoring 8 years of economic and immigration policy. I will give you his foreign policy as it seems to be a true mark of a conservative to bomb anything and everything now while we sit on our fat asses drinking beer and yelling go USA!!
/All you people who love war please suit up.
//Still looking for Cheney's, Limbaugh's, and Romney's military records.
///Toby (Bomb them all) Keith is a Democrat which is where a sizable percentage of modern "conseratives" really belong.
Boy Badhair is sooo bitter.
Sounds like an equitable meeting of the minds to me.
Hell, her show's on Headline News.. the Jai Alai channel has more viewers. If she has to have her own show, it's the best place to keep the stupidity contained.
I have often thought how interesting a daytime show like The View only with the opposite set up would be. Instead of 4 liberals and 1 conservative, Have four conservative women and one liberal. It would be hilarious. Honest.
And most of those in the 25% are willing to admit that the other side actually has some valid arguments. I knew a guy in college who was a raving liberal on practically all issues (except illegal immigration, oddly enough), who I managed to get really good one day on the abortion question. I won't get into details; suffice to say that he admitted he hadn't thought of it that way and that maybe the pro-lifers had a point. That's about as far as I was able to get with him, but hey, progress is progress.
Congratulations, if your college buddy could be reasoned with on some points, perhaps life experiences will push him the rest of the way. Certainly helped with me.
It's amazing how much deciding which school to send your child to, makes you pay very close attention to exactly what's going on at each individual school. We chose parochial.
It's very important to figure out early on if the person you are talking to is in the lost 75%, if so, just move on, its a waste of time. When you get one of the 25%, then it gets interesting.
For example, my family members think long and hard before they blurt out some standard leftist talking point in front of me. They may not agree with me, but they know I come to the debate loaded up like Neo in the Matrix.
Did she say "rape-rape" or "grape -ape"
Joy Behar might be a kind person if she could find someone (or animal) brave enough to go into her "bat cave". Until then, we shall all get our dose liberal preaching and suffer.
OMG – exactly.
Hey Bob, just how much do you know about this Jennings guy?
Did you know he said assigning kids to read Romeo and Juliet is indoctrinating kids into the heterosexual life style?
You're fine with that?
Joy Behar might be a kind person if she could find someone (or animal) brave enough to go into her "bat cave". Until then, we shall all get our dose of liberal preaching and suffer.
And free abortions for everybody!
Ever notice how they don't want the gov't to tell them what to do with their bodies (abortion law) — yet they support gov't health care plan — total control of their bodies?
Zing!
Rule #2 is a little old. The updated version is "Failure to recognize rule #1 is proof positive the non-liberal is a racist." This change has been in effect since November 2008. Please update your liberal manuals.
Could be, I haven't been to a meeting of the rules committee since I pointed out to a liberal friend who insisted Bush was an idiot, that Bush can fly a jet, while he washes bed pans for a living.
Victoria, where have you been lately? That was great! And it will save me from having to watch Joy Behar
from banging her spoon on her high chair.
i just posted the article on the Joy Behar "contact us"
Victoria, you nailed her. By which I mean: biting satire, yet somehow authentic and believable.
This was great fun! Thanks.
You love Barry, we understand.
Cool Victoria, keep’em coming, a lot of fun.
Actually I see it in various forms all the times on the left. How about anytime a liberal pundit writes a column claiming to know exactly what their opponents think?
Let's take the recent event of left wingers deciding that anyone who doesn't blindly support Obamacare is a racist? Having never met me, spoken to me, debated with me, they all assume they have the intellect to know what's really in my heart, and ruled it's racism?
Also, I think its in poor taste to post that second URL. Hardly dignifies any point you are trying to make. How ever it does make my point, because who ever is behind that site, is doing the exact same thing, convinced they know what Republicans stand for, and consider it rape.
Joy Behar has been Anti-Bush and Pro-Obama from the beginning…She was abrasive and sarcastic as a stand up comic and continues to be so. My husband still watches "The View" from time to time and his comment today was"She 'tries' to be funny". I have always found her "humor" humorless, which is why I no longer watch the show.I have no interest in her new show,( just like I won't be watching Michelle Obama on Jay Leno.) I guess she's hoping for an Emmy, just for THINKING she's actually funny.
Joy Behar: A face for radio and a voice for print!
Ooofah!
Even when you stand on your head – she's still ugly!
You lost me with hating Sarah Palin. Pathetic
I would watch the New Joy Behar Show…if Ann Coulter were her guest every night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aNq0Nhzd40
I would watch the New Joy Behar Show…if Ann Coulter were her guest every night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aNq0Nhzd40
I have no idea how this bag of hot air managed to get a show, she is tolerable to listen to, and looking at her isn't much easier.
What an absolutely perfectly appropriate portrait of Joy Behar – one picture worth thousands of words, and the quintessential expression of her soi-disant personality.
Imagine being married to that….
Joy Blowhard is a Hateful Little Girl! At first I thought her actions were cause by her Kool Aid abuse however, I see now that it may be a chemical imbalance just like when Olby and Barfalo go off their meds!
Oh my gosh, your description is pretty close. I've tried watching it once or twice and it is horrific torture. I bet they don't show it in jails or prisons because watching "The View" is definitely cruel and unusual punishment.
Victoria, please keep up the good writing!
Joy Behar is the most shrill, ill-informed, ignoramous I've ever seen. She's the female version of Keith Olbermann. Neither of them are worth a show on public access much less a network.
Here’s something you don’t see everyday. If you want to smear someone who isn’t a Right-winger, go write a fake interview and make the person look like they were actually saying those things. Post it on a website and listen to all the righties say in a hateful fashion how all the liberals are so hateful.
(WHERE'S OPEN THREAD TUESDAY?)
Here’s an interesting news item. Republicans expect to pick up seats in 2010 so they can challenge Democrats like Al Franken who use their position to launch unfair attacks against Halliburton. A few more good Republicans in the Senate would have defeated this Al Franken liberal outrage.
http://thinkprogress.org/2009/10/07/kbr-rape-fran...
<a href="http://www.republicansforrape.org/legislators/” target=”_blank”>http://www.republicansforrape.org/legislators/
Aren't you proud to be a Republican, Victoria?
When I look at Joy Behar, what I see is a strong resemblance to the southbound end of a northbound mule.
Well we'll see what happens when Sarah Palin appears next month on Orca Winfrey's show in advance of her new book release. I imagine a similar scenario to what Victoria writes. Worse yet, Orca is notorious for stacking her audience with haters to muscle up guests she detests. We'll see. Joy falls into the same category as Orca; loud, obnoxious, politically disoriented and post-menstrually intimidating due to the extra 80 lbs slabbed onto each of their thighs from eating those new happy meal atrocities from McDonald's with Michelle Obama's frowning yap plastered all over the wrappers. Yum. Makes me want to go vegan.
Yes, in the men's room…only one looked lost, guess which one!!
Victoria, you are so right on.
That would be exactly how the interview would go.
HAH! Good one! A crocodile is especially joyful when he spots some dinner, don't you think?
Heh…maybe they should add that to the interrogation techniques at Gitmo. The terrorists would start *squealing* like hogs just so they wouldn't have to endure any more of it.
In that case, thank God I managed to at least skip eighth grade.
I'm guessing Victoria's experiences with Toonces the driving cat prepared her for encounters with vapid leftards like Behar.
She is HLN answer to Keith O. Don't waste your time. She wasn't even funny.
[...] John Ziegler, Big Hollywood: Limbaugh Needs to Keep Fighting Victoria Jackson, Big Hollywood: If I Were A Guest on the New Joy Behar Show St. Louis Tea Party: Tea Party Can Do What Democrats Can’t: Destroy the GOP NewsReal Blog: Keith [...]
Schecky Behar always looks like she's smelling something very unpleasant. Fitting …
Holy cow, I think you're onto something. Victoria Jackson would ROCK on Fox!!!!!
We need a new point of view the "view" featuring Victoria Jackson!
Loves ya!
Nice writing, Victoria! The truly sad thing, however, is that you managed to nail Behar's style right on the head. Between her rampant intolerance and that ridiculous "ain't I just a stitch?" smile, one can only hope Behar finds her sponsored freak show consigned to "history's unmarked graveyard of discarded lies."
Thanks to GWB for that most memorable of quotes…
Vicky, stop calling yourself a ditz. You're adorable and we love ya.
I say give Victoria Jackson, Stephen Crowder, and Zo their OWN comedy show on FNC!!!!
Who is Joy Behar?
What did she do before "The View"?
Who watches "The View"?
Why?
I'm always stunned that people waste their time with shows like this. Even more stunned that they admit it.
Watering the grass would have to be more interesting.
But then I admit I'm a snob.
At the very least, can we please get Victoria on RedEye? Along with Thaddeus, and Greg's mother? I smell a Grammy!
I dig this chick. And these commie fanukes in the white house need a visit from Luca Brasi.
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