This Week’s Late Night Awards

Forty years after man first walked on the Moon, and every single talk show opened their first monologue of the week with jokes about it.  Conan O’ Brien did a revisit to last week’s erased Moon tape bit, this week suggesting that a Mr. T rap video was recorded over the original moon landing tapes. Stephen Colbert claimed that the New York Times reprinted their July 20, 1969 front page as a “moving tribute to a time when people got their news from newspapers.”

Of course David Letterman did jokes on it almost every single night. Conspicuously absent on Letterman this week were the Ruth Madoff jokes about switching to Geico® and California Pizza Kitchen®.  The Bernie Madoff joke this week (Monday and Friday) was how a call girl is the only person who actually made any money off of Bernie. He also jumped on the joke Jimmy Kimmel started last week about Obama’s Bingo Pants, but of course, Letterman’s joke was at the expense of people who might look more appropriate in Obama’s pants (Hillary, Rosie O’Donnell, Chastity Bono). Kimmel did a redux, and claimed he doesn’t want a President in tight jeans, he just wants a President that shops in the men’s section.

I’m debuting a new award this week, The Heartbeat Away from a Joke Award. Since most comics have been taking the safe route when going after the Administration, I’m no longer crediting Joe Biden jokes as Obama material. Instead, there will be a separate category for Biden jokes disguised as Obama jokes. Jimmy Kimmel claimed, that after Obama’s health-care press conference, Joe Biden filled in the other 59 minutes making balloon animals.

Funniest Obama Lines of the Week: Surprisingly this goes to David Letterman: A woman in Mexico was arrested for practicing dentistry in the Garage, “Welcome to the Obama Health Plan … only a trillion dollars in three easy payments of $333 billion a month.” He also claimed that of the 14¢ a day Bernie Madoff gets for sweeping floors, “8¢ goes to pay for the Obama health plan.” “The original Astronauts of Apollo 11 visited Obama in the White House and said claimed the moon was ‘cold, desolate, barren, foreboding, it was creepy..’ Obama said, ‘You don’t have to tell me, I’ve got my mother-in-law living in the White House!’”

Lamest Attempt at Obama Jokes: The clear Winner was Jon Stewart: “Obama has been President for six months, and the Fairies that we were sure would ride on his wings and solve all the worlds problems have failed to materialize. Where are the world-fixing fairies, Obama?!”

Most Overused Person as a Punchline: Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, whose passing was marked by Letterman: “Died of a ruptured Chalupa.” Craig Ferguson: “Laid to rest in a crispy tortilla with a scoop of sour cream.” And Jimmy Fallon: Last words were: “Yo Quiero Morphine!”

Runner-up was Amy Winehouse, whose new perfume raised some uncomfortable odiferous metaphors from Ferguson: “Just go sleep in a dumpster, for a week.” and Letterman: “In case you want to smell like a holding-cell mattress”

Second runner-up was Sarah Palin. Her resignation twice inspired Letterman to do the joke about her “waving” to Russia. She also took heat from Kimmel who said, “She will be leaving us completely unprotected from the Russians …she said she is going to divide her time her time between traveling to support Conservative causes and learning how to pronounce the g at the end of words…I admit I’m going to miss her, for a late-night talk show host, a woman like Sarah Palin only comes around once in a lifetime.” (Gee Jimmy, have you noticed that the current occupant of the White House likes to drop his “g’s,” as well? Especially when he wants to pretend he was actually raised on the South Side of Chicago.)

I’m also debuting the Missed Opportunity of the Week, which goes to Kimmel. Jimmy completely ignored a press conference incident where Obama called on a Steve Koff of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, got a question from Steve Thomma of McClatchy, and read his prepared answer for Steve Koff. Kimmel could have nailed the President, (or ignored the incident completely like all the other hosts did). Instead, Kimmel ran a video of Obama calling on Steve Koff, who was depicted as a man who couldn’t stop coughing. (I’m STILL laughing at that one!)

The Most Interesting Interview this week was not an interview but an appearance. I’m going to give props to my buddy Dobie Maxwell, who made his network television debut on the “Craig Ferguson Show.” Bias, you betcha! Self-serving? Well, if you mean because Dobie is part of the Comedian News Panel, Jerry’s Kidders, every Saturday morning at 11am Central on WGN AM 720, the Voice of Chicago – along with Tim Slagle, Ken Sevarra and Jerry Agar? Certainly! You think I’m a trusted newsman like Jon Stewart? I’m a shallow opportunist!

And speaking of opportunists: It seems that a lot of the late nights can still only find humor in the opposition party. Which segues nicely into the Writers over Shoulders Award. Letterman and Kimmel both claimed that the opposition to Obama’s health-care reform was solely from the Republicans because there was no coverage for breast implants on their mistresses (Letterman) or girlfriends (Kimmel).

Runner up goes to Maher and O’Brien, who both suggested that Sgt Crowley tried to arrest Barack Obama (because he’s BLACK, get it?) Maher went the furthest, claiming Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail light, and Sgt. Crowley asked to see Obama’s birth certificate.

Oldest Presidential Joke: This again goes to Stephen Colbert who claimed, “President Obama associates with burglars (Skip Gates)… he’s a much better President than I thought (show picture of Richard Nixon). Which leads us to…

The Angriest White Man: Bill Maher who devoted his entire monologue to the Skip Gates arrest. Strange that he claims to be against racial profiling, but his entire monologue was based on a straw man profile of a typical white (meaning: racist) police officer. Would someone please send a copy of the police report over to Maher’s writers? His “comedy” was based entirely on untrue suppositions:

He was coming back from China–who breaks in to a house with luggage? (Gates was inside when police arrived). Crowley said Gates was threatening him — of course he was threatening, he was an educated black man. (The police arrested him for creating a disturbance, not threatening a police officer.)

Maher continues, “Barack Obama apologized for saying the officer acted ‘stupidly.’ What he meant to say was ‘retarded.’”

Once again, I envy the Left for their ability to use words that have been banned from my vocabulary. Especially when I’m reviewing someone like Bill Maher.