Scientology Incorporated
by Tim SlagleSo it’s after a gig*, and I’m sitting at the bar with another comic, and a couple of girls who thought we were the funniest guys they had ever met. Things are heating up, but I’m starting to feel a little apprehensive because it’s just too easy. When I don’t have to work at something, I always start to wonder if there’s something wrong. Either I’m about to be robbed, or there’s a flaw I haven’t noticed.
The conversation turns to Scientology. There had recently been a expose in Time magazine (and astute readers can now speculate on how long ago this was). “It’s a really evil institution,” I start, “Kind of a cross between the Mafia and Oral Roberts with just a dash of the Manson Family.”
The girl who had been getting all my attention chuckled condescendingly, “Well, I read that Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist, and I don’t think Kirstie Alley would belong to anything like that!”
Oh. There’s the flaw. She is stupid. (And probably a pre-clear TR-4).
Scientology has been dismissed and despised by most thinking individuals, but before we throw out the Thetan with the bath water, maybe we should look a little closer at Scientology Inc. Because this kind of marketing has been quite effective. By winning over celebrities, Scientology has been able to gain a sizable following of Americans who look to the stars for guidance.
Scientology has a Celebrity Centre inside of Hollywood set up to pamper those stars. They have a staff of masseuses to rub the backs of actors while they’re waiting off-set for the next scene. In return, Scientology has many famous followers.
This kind of marketing has come of age in the new century. Advertising people now go into high schools and encourage popular girls to use their lip gloss. They know the less popular girls will imitate them, hoping that the new lip gloss holds the secret to popularity. We will never know how many short men and chubby women became Scientologists just because they wanted to be the next Tom Cruise or Kirstie Alley.
The Democrats have done the same thing. Most actors have a desire to be taken seriously (beautiful people never want to be known just for their pretty faces even though we aesthetically less gifted wouldn’t mind such notoriety). Democrats have convinced celebrities they can gain intelligence by osmosis. Just by appearing onstage with Obama, or Al Gore, they too have advanced Ivy League degrees (even high school dropouts like Sean Penn or Martin Sheen). Democrats have given actors credibility. In return, the actors sell Democrat politics to the nation.
Oprah’s endorsement of Obama cannot be understated. If Oprah finds something she likes, millions of women will try it. The difference between a starving author, and a NY Times best seller is having Oprah read your book. It doesn’t even need to be the truth, it just has to appear that way. Both James Frey and Herman Rosenblat passed off works of fiction to Oprah as memoirs. There is speculation that Obama’s books were also fabricated by a third party. (Apparently Oprah likes to be lied to, which is probably why she is still engaged to straight man Steadman.)
There is no reason why our side’s politics shouldn’t appeal to Hollywood. We have something much more valuable to offer: genuine intellectualism. Our message of lower taxes and respect for the First Amendment hits Hollywood celebrities right square in the man-purse. And (if perhaps) some of the more conservative elements of our party listened to the supply-side arguments for drug legalization, we could win on that one, as well. Because despite the appearance of “tolerance,” Democrats do not want to legalize marijuana as much as they want to outlaw tobacco.
The difference between the parties is as vast as the difference between Scientology and traditional religions. While one religion massages celebrities and tells them they are heirs to a great galactic empire, the others tell them they are born of sin and must subjugate themselves under the glory of God. The Democrats tell celebrities they are the agents of change, while Bill O’Reilly screams at them for destroying American Culture. That has to stop.
It’s hard. I know it’s hard. Part of the secret of being able to survive in Hollywood is the ability to say with a straight face something completely inhuman, like: “I’ve always admired Morgan Fairchild’s work.” Or: “The second season of ‘Family Matters’ was clearly the best.” It’s not unlike being a good parent: you have to put all the art up on the refrigerator.
It’s how Al Gore does it. When Sheryl Crow says we need to limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper, or Leonardo DiCaprio tells us that Global Warming will cause human extinction, Al Gore admires their commitment and pats them on their tiny heads. Meanwhile, the girl I left standing at the bar so many years ago is probably an OT 5 today and driving a Prius with an Obama sticker.
*For information on some of my upcoming gigs check out: TimSlagle.com
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45 Comments
I have spent some real time with the so-called Church of Scientology. They mostly wanted my credit card.
What a fraud!
South Park is still the best visual explanation of Scientology. When they are explaining it in the cartoon, they are actually reciting from L. Ron Hubbard’s own words.
Oh yeah, and the funny part of Tom Cruise and John Travolta being gay!
I believe Scientology is an evil cult. Your comparison to the Democratic party is apt. But can you imagine Cameron Diaz or Leo DiCaprio actually opening a serious book on economics or history or any in-depth subject? I can’t. It’s so much easier to listen to demagogues like Algore and buy a Prius so they can brag about it. Very good points, Mr. Slade.
My father used to be a member of Scientology some years ago and all I can say is if anything it is more dangerous than you are saying here. When I was five years old, I recall being woken up in the middle of the night, hastily being packed into a car and driving out of town to escape the cult / church. It was a strange time. I think that helped lead me to being a conservative. Even though I’m not a Christian, its hard for me to take the Baptist Church seriously as a threat after this experience.
“Part of the secret of being able to survive in Hollywood is the ability to say with a straight face something completely inhuman, like: “I’ve always admired Morgan Fairchild’s work.” Or: “The second season of ‘Family Matters’ was clearly the best.” It’s not unlike being a good parent: you have to put all the art up on the refrigerator.”
ROTFLOF!!! That is SO true of this town.
Oops, sorry..Mr. Slagle.
Dance Monkeys… Dance
I cannot decide if some of these statements are more funny or pathetic.
I am sure that the celebrities are pampered – the pillaging of the wallet is left for the rest of the unwashed…
Travolta and Cruise wouldn’t stay in long if they knew all they wanted was there $$$$
If Obama bombs I wonder what will happen to Oprah’s credibility?
I think hollywood and scientology are a good fit. Both are deeply cynical and stump for a bizarro alternate reality that has nothing to do with the world around them, then lose themselves in it and attack everyone around them who doesn’t subscribe to it. Sounds like the Golden Globes.
Excellent essay Tim. I seen their pad out in Hollywood…quite the mansion on a hill. I wonder how many urban ghetto members they have ?haha. Look forward to catching your show in the Peoples Republic of Ann Arbor in Feb. Peace. len
Did you really say “difference between the parties”? Did you really type that? There might be a difference if the Republicans had standards and weren’t so gullible to allow people like the Bushes and McCain within their ranks. They foolishly allowed anyone and everyone to be a Republican and now the party is over in more ways than one.
Now the Republicans are run by a cult far more dangerous than Scientologists. They are run by Zionists. When will the party move it’s headquarters to Israel and get it over with?
“(Apparently Oprah likes to be lied to, which is probably why she is still engaged to straight man Steadman.)”
Oh Sah-nap!!!
THAT, sir, was a GOOD one!
Excellent article! Thanks for the good read.
“Kit – January 30th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Looks like we have another paranoid person screaming about “Zionists.”
Oh joy.”
I’m wondering though, Kit, if Adam is actually a separate human being or just another one of the voices that haunt’s our beloved troll Terry.
Ronsonic –
Apparently, from what I have read about Tom Cruise and Scientology, he has handed over quite a bit of his earnings to become “second in command.” I would imagine John Travolta has also given over quite a bit of money as he has been into Scientology for almost 20 years. I would imagine they do gain quite a bit of money from their more humble stewards, freeing John and Tom of 10 million or so a year probably would not be unheard of. Eh, what’s 10 mil when you have as much as those 2 do? Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson) handed over 10 million (1 year’s salary for her) not too long ago. Unfortunately, all of that money, unlike most other religious organizations, simply gets funneled back into Scientology and rarely sees the light of day in helping anyone outside of their sect.
I’ve been a lapsed Scientologist for many years now. I’m well aware of Hubbard’s P.T. Barnum-esque oversell, and the overly zealous and occasionally abusive members one may find. But it is articles like this that actually push me back towards Scientology.
I doubt that many of the people who express outrage at the church have ever spent much time either in a Church of Scientology, or in conversation with your run-of-the-mill Scientologist. I know that Mr. Slagle’s knowledge of the subject is a mile wide and and inch deep from the statement “And probably a pre-clear TR-4.” Your average, well-versed critic would see the error in this statement.
I would posit that rather than being like the Democrats, the Church of Scientology is like the Republican Party. A lifelong Republican, I know something about this.
- Reagan Republicanism and Scientology are based on ideals born out of common sense. These core principles exist to shape the decision making process.
- Both stress personal responsibility.
- It’s not “cool” to be a Republican or a Scientologist in Hollywood. I know this, because I’m both. I’ve been in pitch sessions that have devolved into “bash Scientology” as readily as “bash Bush.”
- Say what you will about the Church’s push for money, there is a strong capitalist streak there. Les Dane’s “Big League Sales” is required reading for booksellers and the like. You don’t get nothing for something in Scientology; there are no hand-outs. And what does the Church do with that money? Invest in new buildings, advertising campaigns, etc. (i.e. reinvest in the Church.)
I could go on and on, but I’m sure you all want to pile on me and call me a brainwashed idiot who believes in Xenu. I don’t believe in Xenu, for what it’s worth. I actually read the OT III materials online before joining the Church. All that space opera garbage is not what appeals to me, or what appeals to most people who begin studying Scientology. If you think that’s the end-all be-all of the subject, you’re missing the bigger picture.
Insert plug here to go read a book and find out for yourself. I’m contractually obligated by the church to do this. (Joke.)
And now, great irony of ironies, after posting comments on Big Hollywood under a pseudonym to protect my identity as a conservative in Hollywood, I now sign off with a pseudonym to protect my pseudonymous identity as a Scientologist.
Be gentle, critics. I don’t often defend Scientology in online forums.
P.S. Mr. Slagle: A better punchline would have been “She’s probably on her Grad V internship by now.”
If a person allows himself or herself to be convinced by shallow Scientology – created as a joke by a fiction writer on drugs named Hubbard, then that person’s punishment is to remain a Scientologist.
You almost had me, until you started babbling incoherently about how we just need to coddle and cuddle up to the Hollywood airheads (CF.: “Celebutards” from the other article), and then they’ll like US instead, and Republicans and conservatives will be the cool people.
Never, sir. Never.
They aren’t my mongoloid children, upon whom I must pour a parent’s blindness and affection.
If they want to be friends with the party of limited government and traditional values, they’re going to have to learn to think.
It’s hard. I know it’s hard.
I’ll take 1 of those thinking celebrities (and yes, there are a few) for any 10 or 20 of the ones you’d have us palling around with. Your approach would just be for them to trade partners.
No sale.
I want them to grow up first.
We can take the pain of rejection until that happens, if it ever does, and wear it like a badge of courage.
There is an important difference between Scientology and many other cults and religions: Scientologists have a vast appetite for legal action against anyone who speaks out against them. Those who advocate a “live and let live” position may be unaware that Scientologists are enemies of free speech.
they are a “CON JOB”…follow the money and the egos….
I agree that Islam is of much greater danger to our civilization than is Scientology. Very few entertainers have drunk that particular koolaid, so far.
However, this site is about Big Hollywood. And Scientology has understood that focussing on ’stars’ is a good draw for the masses. It is far past time that Scientology is attacked by people in Hollywood itself. “Agent Bedhead” is one such site, which has devoted a lot of pixels to attacking Scientology.
Apparently, this cult has very ugly aspects. Note the remark made by DARK EDEN at 7:30 am.
“John D – January 30th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I’m still trying to wrap my head around Sheryl Crow’s “one sheet of toilet paper” thing. Seriously? WTF is she smoking?”
–Whatever it is, it’s only wrapped in one sheet of TP!!! LMAO
Good little essay Tim, and right on the mark. Anyone wanting to know what the Scientology groupies are capable of needs to google and see how they strapped her to a bed in Clearwater Florida until she starved to death while rats and insects chewed on her. I may have her name mispelled?? McPherson maybe. It’s a gruesome story. She tried to leave the church and expose them and died a horrible death for it. Make no mistake, they are dangerous and a cult and deserve no mercy. Look into it. There are even autopsy photos on the web.
Andrew -
I think it would be better organized as a non-profit educational corporation rather than a church, similar to how “The Ancient and Mystical Order of Rosicrucians” is organized. As a church, it has far more in common with a Buddhist temple than a Catholic church. God is a subject that is left up to the individual to pursue.
The opposition to psychiatry takes on a hysterical pitch at times, but I agree that taking on our over-medicated cutlure is a good thing.
Attacking the critics the way the church has been known to do is wrong. It’s psychotic, and it’s in complete opposition to the philosophical underpinnings of the subject. Even the most rabid ex-member would agree; Hubbard said “When in doubt, communicate” and “Communication is the universal solvent.” Squishing people who disagree with you is not communication.
As for the space opera stuff, it’s not necessary to buy any of that to apply Scientology to one’s life.
As to the space opera stuff: My theory is that as a person goes introspective, he encounters stuff he doesn’t have the words for. Whether we’re talking dream analysis or whatever. People have to put the abstract into concrete terms they can deal with, and that’s where you get a lot of this stuff. Hubbard was a sci-fi writer, so he put it in the context of space opera. If he had been J.R.R. Tolkien, these guys in Guy Fawkes masks would be joking about our belief in the Dark Lord Sauron. I don’t think he intended to make it ridiculous. I think he’s expressing his own personal “demons” in a context he’s most comfortable with.
You ask how many people are in Scientology who don’t buy the space opera stuff, and I have to say “I don’t know.” Just as there’s no secret handshake for conservatives in Hollywood, fellow heretics have no way of picking each other out of the crowd.
I don’t mind talking about this stuff. There is a lot of good in Scientology, and it’s unfortunate that “the thetan is thrown out with the bathwater,” to borrow a phrase from Mr. Slagle.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around Sheryl Crow’s “one sheet of toilet paper” thing. Seriously? WTF is she smoking?
Only if you can spare a square.
My sister-in-law partakes of this psuedo-religion called Scientology. She even convinced my wife and I to attend a “meeting” with some of her “friends” in another city. To be honest, all the vague answers she provided about this group led me to believe we were headed to an Amway function. Imagine my surprise! At least with Amway there is a remote chance you could eventually make some money. I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, and everything sounded pretty good, untill we got to the counseling area. That’s when our hostess showed us the fantastic, elastic, mood sensing machine, or whatever the heck they call it. More than just the fact that I work with electronics every day, was the memory of seeing a machine very similar to thiers back in the seventies on the old Marcus Welby M.D. TV program. Some quack on that episode was using it to convince gullible people that he could cure cancer, or something like that. Needless to say my wife,and I made a polite get-a-way as fast as we could. We still get propaganda in the mail, and phone solicitations from these odd people to this day, some four years later. If any of Scientologies acolites are reading this, hear my desperate pleas. My son has moved out of the house, he’s married with children, and living in another state, far, far away. Please don’t send us any more copies of Battlefiel Earth. We have plenty.
Heh. “Anonymous” guys. Funny group.
ARC WELDER, I appreciate you posting.
That being said, my main issues with Scientology are two-fold:
1) Any ‘church’ that tells me that I should not associate with those who are no longer a part of the ‘church’ is highly suspect – that is pretty much #1 on the list of how to identify a cult. I have spoken to ex-Scientologists whose families have been destroyed by this rule. While that may happen within any organized religion, it is only the cult-like that actually demand it from their followers. My Baptist grandmother has a right to not talk to me anymore if I decided to become a Wiccan tomorrow, but it won’t be because her pastor told her to, or that the Bible said it. It’ll be because she has twisted the message of Christianity to justify her prejudice.
2) Any ‘church’ that tells me that I have to pay money to obtain salvation/knowledge/etc is clearly more interested in the money than the benefit and well-being of its followers.
The good that you speak of within the belief system of Scientology is known as something else in my world – common sense. And guess what? It’s free. There is nothing within Scientology that I would consider a benefit that isn’t part of pretty much every religion and plain old common sense. Being self-sufficient, taking personal responsibility for your triumphs and failures, help your fellow man. There’s nothing unique there. I’m not giving up my credit card number to hear what I can read in every single self-help book or website.
I respect your right to belong to the ‘church’ of Scientology, but with all due respect, I think that you can benefit just as much from what you like about its ethical teachings free of charge.
From my direct experience with Scientology in Boston, these guys are simply a bunch of fraudsters who find some very unbalanced guys to do all the dirty work. They certainly prey on anyone who has some dough and is having a weak moment or two.
Hey, ARC WELDER, I agree with you that people would have fewer problems with Scientology if they didn’t call themselves a religion. For one, they wouldn’t get a tax exemption and secondly, they wouldn’t be using religion as a shield while defrauding people.
In fact, people would have fewer problems with Scientology if they’d just stop lying. Space opera? You can believe it if you wish. Just don’t lie about it. And it is what awaits you at the top of Scientology’s pyramid scheme. The push is on from the moment you buy that first course to move you up the bridge and regain your control over Matter, Energy, Space and Time.
So you can use some of the tools Hubbard cobbled together from various sources and feel better for awhile. But ultimately, if it comes down to “Your problems really are you are covered with Body Thetans (invisible dead space aliens) and you have to get rid of them through our expensive courses to really be the person we promised you would be,” then aren’t you being taken for a ride?
And if Scientologists don’t really know what Scientology is really leading to, do they really know Scientology? Really.
For instance, you say:
“Attacking the critics the way the church has been known to do is wrong. It’s psychotic, and it’s in complete opposition to the philosophical underpinnings of the subject. Even the most rabid ex-member would agree; Hubbard said “When in doubt, communicate” and “Communication is the universal solvent.” Squishing people who disagree with you is not communication.”
Yet, the entire ‘attack the critics’ scheme comes directly from L. Ron Hubbard, the same man you choose to honor for coming up with his noble quotes on communication. So you ignore his actions and prefer to blindly accept his empty rhetoric.
So do you really know Scientology if you don’t know the founder, his actions, his history, his lies, his twisted ability to say one thing while doing another?
It would be funny if it weren’t for all the people abused by Hubbard’s con. If it weren’t for the people who had to flee Scientology’s Sea Org in the middle of the night. If it weren’t for the families torn apart by Hubbard’s policy of Disconnection. If it weren’t for the years wasted and fortunes wasted by so many people before they wake up to having been duped by a charlatan named Hubbard.
[...] Scientology Incorporated by Tim Slagle [...]
Yes, Scientology is wacky, but its supernatural claims are no more preposterous than those made by any other religion. If Scientology is a cult and Christianity/Judaism/Islam aren’t, it’s only because it’s newer.
what a great Post!! Hilarious. Yes, in Hollywood you get use to nodding your head and being patted on the tummy, waiting for your treat! UGH. Finding anything or anyone genuine can be a trying experience. “So what did you think of it?” “It was very interesting.”
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