Fake Crash Pilot Obviously Not a Movie Fan
by Tom ShillueHey, Marcus Schrenker (formerly the missing pilot guy), what were you thinking? You want to disappear off the face of the earth and go into hiding, and this is how you do it? Let me get this straight; Your plan was to parachute from your jet aircraft, allow it to go down in flames in a residential area, ask a cop for directions, and check into a motel. Then, when you were caught, you were holding a road atlas and campground directory. Way to go “off the grid,” buddy.
This guy is an embarrassment to all men. Women probably don’t know this, but all of us have sketched out elaborate plans in our head as to what we would do if we ever had to go “dark” and vanish for a while. Don’t worry, we are not planning to, but we’ve got to be ready just in case.
Some guys would walk into the woods with nothing but a rucksack and a hunting knife, other guys would go the Swiss bank account/Jason Bourne route, just speed-walking around Europe occasionally having to deck effete policemen using Tae Kwon Do. Personally, I prefer the former, as I like to avoid confrontation.
But one thing you never, ever want to do is create such a splash with your escape method that it gets the attention of Greta Van Susteren and Nancy Grace. Show some subtlety, brother! You are giving us all a bad name. Remember the Scout motto: Be Prepared.
This is why men love escape movies, and why every man’s All Time Top Ten List contains at least three prison films. It’s all part of our mental preparation for the Worst Case Scenario.
I found myself talking about this on stage the weekend Paul Newman died:
On Saturday nights in the west village in NYC, at a show called Moonwork, writers and comics come together to share ideas and stories. Anyone in the BH community–if you are ever in New York, please come and visit.
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32 Comments
Keira, you took the works right out of my mouth
Ladies, with that kind of wet blanket attitude I’m guessing your husbands have especially elaborate plans laid out. Safe houses, caches of food hidden in state parks, that sort of thing.
You forgot something Kiera…while we’re making these plans and watching TV (which is on in the background), we’re folding a load of laundry, cooking dinner, and helping the kids with homework. Just the usual day-to-day multitasking.
This is why I’m glad I’m single. I don’t even have a contingency plan for what happens if *I* unexpectedly don’t come home. Or if the next TV writing position doesn’t come through. Couple that with being glad I didn’t own real estate during the recent financial collapse, and I’m one happy to be lonely, borderline destitute ‘n’ homeless lady.
(Keep up the good work, Thomas. Loved ya since you were entertaining me with your Jimmy Stewart impressions at the old Somerville Theatre.)
Tom,
We all absolutely do this. It is a despicable but inante feature of women; from meeting a guy and immediately picturing your wedding to not hearing from a man and divising a million horrible scenarios that are ridiculous and unfounded in your female brain.
Try as I might, I have yet to shake this imagination from hell and am now convinced whether a woman admits it or not, she’s worried that you’ve been secretly seeing that Chili’s waitress who gave you the eye two weeks ago all because you cut your conversation with her short this afternoon, or didn’t tell her you loved her before you left for work today.
We all have it.
It’s a sad, sad thing. I think the trick is to keep it to yourself. As a single woman, I can definitely attest that this silly sense of worry slash disaster thinking has contributed to a number of my relationships ending. Ah well. I can’t help it!
Well, my husband sells life insurance, so that type of “what if” thinking is pretty much daily conversation at my house anyway. (I know, he’s in BIG INSURANCE. Well I’m in BIG OIL. We’re both active contributors to the economy
)
But yes, getting married at 23 (yes, I’m SO OLD, Sarah!) to a guy who’s chomping at the bit to enlist has definitely put the “what ifs” in my head. What would be the most effective way of handling(spending) the life insurance claim? Should I keep the house? Move in with a friend? Do I even want to date again? Would I go to grad school? How do you handle his family after that? What do I do with all his stuff?
Meanwhile, I’ve filled out my third or fourth life insurance application. He keeps bringing them home for me to apply. So I’ve started wondering about the male side of that question as well….
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Yeah, I wondered about that “old” thing too…I married at 22, still married after 19 years. I wasn’t old then and I’m not old now!
My escape plan worked and I’m right now living it out, free from former demons real and imagined. I recommend it.
Btw, did Schrenker want the plane to crash on land? I thought he thought it would crash in the sea. Then, if the crash were detected, recovery personnel wouldn’t really expect to find a body, and Schrenker’d be assumed dead. If the crash weren’t detected, then anybody looking for him would assume he absconded to like a Caribbean country.
Mary, wasn’t that done on One Life to Live? Nicki/Vicki?
Yeah, Marka and like I told my husband, men who marry a younger woman the second time around, like mine did, are so lucky that they get a “do over” with kids, so they can fix what they may have messed up the first time around. It’s not like we can have kids at 50! Well, we could, but you know…..
My fantasy involves traveling to Scotland or Ireland on the insurance money after my husband dies and falling in love with a wealthy sheepherder. Sometimes I plot my husband’s death out, and sometimes he has just died tragically in an unmentioned fashion… depends on how we’re getting along.
I guess I’m unusual in that I also have worst case scenarios planned out; if it flooded, where would we go and how would I rescue my animals? How would I make sure my extended family was saved? I live in an area where floods, mudslides and volcanoes are very real natural disasters, and so it’s a good exercise to imagine what I would do in those situations.
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