Why, play the race card – even when it’s not even in the deck.

Comedienne Wanda Sykes, who refused to lay a humorous glove on Obama during her short-lived talk show, is now slamming Gov. Rick Perry for something he hasn’t done.

Sykes appeared on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night and tore into the GOP presidential field. Why bother speak truth to actual power – the president – when you can taunt your ideological foes?

But even by liberal standards Sykes’ shtick was out of line regarding Perry, who withdrew from the presidential field this week.

You know, he had to drop out,” she added, “because I’m pretty sure he was one more debate away from saying the N-word. He really was. Oh, he was right on the edge. He was like ‘Oh, I can’t speak in public anymore like that. One more debate, I’m just, it’s gonna fly out.’ He knew it.

Of course, Sykes isn’t the only dishonest liberal who sees racists around every corner.

Liberals already have David Letterman, Jon Stewart, George Lopez, Stephen Colbert and countless others on their side.  But that’s not enough for Mullally, the two-time Emmy winner and “W&G” scene stealer.

She recently blasted former Gov. Sarah Palin’s stand-up comedy debut on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” at movieline.com, mocking both Leno’s comedy bits and his attempt to woo conservative audiences.

“Could it be any more bald-faced that he’s going after the red states? It’s insane. It’s just right out there, full on … amazing. And she was wearing jeans [note: said with a drawn out snarl]. ‘I’m gonna wear denim! I’m gonna dress it down!’”

Sounds insane, all right. Why would the host of a popular late night show give a platform to a gorgeous, charismatic politician who appeals to a wide swath of viewers?

It’s almost as crazy as pouring millions into a movie like “Green Zone,” even though anti-Iraq War films have withered and died at the boxoffice for nearly a decade. Or, even better, being a professional comic and avoid mocking the current White House occupant.

Too many comedians have clammed up now that a Democrat is in the White House. Bully for “Saturday Night Live” which has offered some stinging bits aimed at President Obama.

Once upon a time it was a comedian’s job to mock the president, no matter his or her party affiliation.

That’s not always the case anymore. Leno is one of the few comics around willing to tweak Obama – just like he tweaked Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush before him. He does so without malice, and with an eye toward making us laugh and keeping the president humble.

Leno’s approach isn’t Red State or Blue State. It’s that of a comedian who realizes appealing to both sides of the ideological aisle makes good business sense.

Celebrities like Mullally can’t see the wisdom in that approach, apparently.

METRO WEEKLY: Do you ever worry about stepping out of bounds, about doing a joke that’s gone too far?

SYKES:I don’t worry about it. My barometer is that I don’t want to be mean spirited – just to attack someone for the sake of doing it. If you started it, I have a right to go after you. If you did something, I can go after you. But I want it to be about what you did and not just a personal attack or something.

MW: Which is where Rush Limbaugh comes in. You leveled several vicious – and I would agree in his case completely earned – jokes in his direction at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. You got some flak in the press for it. Looking back, do you regret saying those things about Limbaugh?

SYKES: Not at all.

What offends me isn’t Sykes’ tasteless can’t-lose-in-a-roomful-of-liberals attacks on Limbaugh, it’s what a gutless coward she turned out to be. Here you have a gay woman just a few feet from the Most Powerful Anti-Gay Marriage Man On The Planet and she lacked the sand to bring the issue up even once.

But this is old news.

And so is her predictable lack of regret.

Her cowardice, however, extends to this interview:

MW: It’s no secret you love the current president.

SYKES: [Warmly.] Yes.

MW: There’s been a lot of criticism leveled at the Obama administration for not moving quickly enough on gay issues. What’s your take?

SYKES: I think the criticism is justified. However, he has a lot on his plate right now and can’t solve everything [at once]. He hasn’t been in office a year yet. I say just give him some time. Of course, we should be vocal and point out and say, “When is it our turn?” But let’s not be too critical and do anything that moves us backwards.

Earth to Wanda: It’s not that President Obama has a lot on his plate right now — it’s that he opposes same-sex marriage. His plate could be as empty as the U.S. Treasury and it wouldn’t be “your turn.”

The interviewer for this self-described “GLBT Newsmagazine” doesn’t bother to challenge Sykes on this point and then Sykes’s hilariously focuses on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in order to dance around the President’s position entirely. I guess that like a Vietnam War protester acknowledging the Cambodian Holocaust, a declarative statement regarding Obama’s opposition to same-sex marriage is too psychologically confusing and painful.

Also worthy of note is Sykes’ “barometer” which is so dishonest she refuses to concede that her comments regarding Limbaugh were “mean-spirited” or even a “personal attack.” This highlights an increasingly desperate tactic we’re seeing from the Left as public support craters for their transformative agenda. The concept is simple: Label something obviously wrong as right with such matter-of-fact, unblinking confidence people start to second guess themselves.

Hopefully this tactic has been permanently exposed and dealt a considerable setback with the blowback towards Democrats and the media (but I repeat myself) after their launching of unprecedented and unforgivable attacks on community organizers everyday citizens speaking out in townhall meetings…. Citizens, I might add, with the stones to do what Sykes won’t: Speak a little truth to power.

Never has the GOP’s lack of funnybone been on sharper display than the last 5 months. For a party that claims to “shun political correctness,” we’ve certainly done a good job of embracing it. Over the past 150 days there have been three “media-worthy” politically incorrect moments related to this administration and Republicans have managed to jump on each one of them for political gain. All to no avail. Let us examine:

Exhibit A

Barack Obama’s Special Olympics comment on Leno. – On air, President B. Hussein Obama made a self-deprecating joke in regards to his bowling abilities. He made the implication that he was so bad at bowling that his skill level resembled that of a mentally challenged athlete. Twas a surprisingly funny, off-handed moment for a generally very unfunny president.

Republicans, however, decided to act as though they were appalled by this and ran with the “you can’t make fun of retards” theme. (I’m paraphrasing here of course, but you get the picture.) I believe that somewhere in the middle, Sarah Palin and her son Trigg were tied into the whole fiasco. The media took little notice and sharp comedians like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert managed to successfully lampoon Conservatives for being humorless old bags. That’s one for you, Democrats…

Exhibit B

Wanda Sykes’ Correspondence Dinner Shtick – In an overall funny routine, Wanda Sykes made a few predictable cracks about several members of the Republican party (and surprisingly a few about the President himself) until the subject turned to Rush Limbaugh. In a tirade based on the false premise of Mr. Limbaugh “hoping that the country fails,” she openly wished for his kidneys to fail.

To be fair, it was her least funny bit of the night, but was still performed within the context of comedy. Sure enough, Republicans jumped on the dame for “wishing death upon somebody, which is inappropriate under any circumstances!”

In the words of the beautifully-mustached John Stossel – “Give me a break!” For crying out loud, she is a comedian who is known for being controversial and for her uncanny adeptness at chewing people out. That’s what she does and that’s why she was hired. We had our shot to be funny and edgy last year. Remember… We went with Rich Little. Sucks to be us.

Finally we have….

Exhibit C

Letterman with the Palin Jokes – Letterman made an off-color joke about Sarah Palin resembling a slutty flight attendant (not funny) along with an extremely “controversial” remark about one of the Palin daughters. When taken in context… The joke was worth a chuckle. Letterman was under the impression that Bristol Palin (the older daughter) had been taken to the ball game and Letterman made a joke about her getting “knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.” Let’s face facts… Bristol has a bad track record when it comes to sexual responsibility and A-Rod is a notorious mimbo. Combine the two, and you’ve got some funny material to work with. Was it in poor taste? Like 90% of Letterman’s bits, yes. Is it hypocritical for a leftist to be holding a Conservative up to a higher standard of sexual morality? Of course.

However, Republicans (and the Palin family) tried to twist this quip into a joke about Letterman wanting to rape their underage daughter, which was subsequently followed by phony outrage.

I’m sorry “fellow Republicans”… But when will we get a clue? Before Reagan, we were seen as the party that couldn’t take a joke. The Gipper fixed that one for us. Now, however, because of silly Conservatives using political correctness as a fulcrum for political gain, we find ourselves right back at square one.

One of my goals in life is to watch political correctness shrivel up and die (as it should be for any true Conservative). I can’t do that however, if Republicans insist on resuscitating it back to life every time they want to act “offended.” Do we really want to be the person at the party around which everyone has to tiptoe around for fear of offending our sensibilities? Come on… We’re not supposed to be “that guy.” Leave that kind of crap to the Sean Penn pansies of the world.

–

Note: I know the video gets a little personal, but thanks to Wanda Sykes… That is a concern of mine no longer!

President Obama — David Axelrod

You know. Like Wanda Sykes, Sandra Bernhard and the Teabag-loving MSM.

As to Mr. Axelrod’s crude and lame attempt at insulting humor that should be beneath the dignity of any presidential advisor, I can only conclude that he made that derogatory comment about Carrie Prejean because Miss California shares his boss’s negative attitude  toward gay marriage.

During this live interview, in which Hot Seat host Peter Sagal referred to Mr. Axelrod as ‘the moustache behind the throne’ and the ‘Rasputin of the Magic Kingdom’ (my personal favorite, for reasons you shall soon know), Mr. Axelrod also slammed a comparison to his predecessor, former Bush advisor Karl Rove: “I always reject that. I’d like to think we’re better than that.”

Mr. Axelrod may like to think he’s better than Karl Rove, but he’s actually far worse than Karl Rove ever was in both class and principle.  Example. In the wake of the controversial DHS Right Wing Extremism report, and as the Tea Parties were happening, Mr. Axelrod said the following in a Face The Nation interview: “Any time that you have severe economic conditions, there is always an element of disaffection that can mutate into something that’s unhealthy.” Hint hint.

Mr. Axelrod also also added this qualifying disqualifier: “We value our liberties and our values of liberty and to express ourselves, and so far, these are just expressions.” So far. Does anyone else notice how closely Mr. Axelrod adheres to the controversial blanket statements of the DHS RWE report? Show me one instance in which Karl Rove implied Leftie demonstrators were a potential threat to the Republic, even when joking of President Bush’s assassination had become chic.

Yet for Mr. Axelrod, throw one peaceful nationwide Tea Party and it’s a national security concern.

Like Rush Limbaugh, for example, whom Mr. Axelrod helped coordinate a political campaign against with the power, resources, authority and consent of the White House. Can you imagine the uproar if President Bush and Karl Rove orchestrated a political campaign against Al Franken or Michael Moore from directly within the Oval Office? The Left would have been foaming at the mouth about death camps and Nixon’s enemies’ lists.

Yet, like Rasputin and unlike Karl Rove, President Obama’s ‘Mad Monk’ is fast accumulating enemies across the political spectrum. Mr. Axelrod’s defense of the President’s blocking of the detainee photos, along with the Obama administration’s plan to restore military tribunals of Gitmo detainees, is riling everyone on the Left from the ACLU to Code Pink. One member of Code Pink now wonders when she should start calling President Obama a war criminal.

Also like Karl Rove, David Axelrod has accumulated no shortage of political enemies. But unlike Rove, the Mad Monk’s political adversaries now run the gamut from the ACLU’s Anthony Romero to Dick Cheney. That’s quite an achievement, to piss everybody off in a short three months!

Anyone who knows the story of Rasputin can see the rich similarities here. A wild-eyed True Believer and political loose cannon with extraordinary influence having a derogatory effect on Tsar Obama’s kingdom, making enemies everywhere. Though I doubt Obama’s Mad Monk will suffer the same poisoned wine and tea cakes and multiple gunshots before being bagged and tossed into a river as his freaky Russian progenitor, I expect Mr. Axelrod’s big mouth will sooner or later bear the treadmarks of Obama’s political bus tires.

Then again, the President has been loathe to toss those closest to him where they belong. Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers were major political albatrosses, and candidate Obama didn’t give them the heave-ho until it was nearly too late in the campaign. That being the case, and knowing the Mad Monk’s close association with President Obama, maybe he’ll be allowed to just keep on spouting insults, innuendo, vitriol and hypocritical excuses to extend Bush-era national security policies, and continue to offend even more millions of Americans of all political stripes.

He certainly hasn’t failed to disappoint to date. And I’m hoping he continues to do just that. I am a Republican, after all. By the way, Politico’s Alex Conant concurs with my assessment. Only he uses a different historical point of reference: Machiavelli.  His analysis is well worth the read, yet I disagree with Mr. Conant on one Point of Parliamentary Procedure. Machiavelli believed that you should “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Obama’s Mad Monk is making no friends, except for the intellectual retards in NPR’s Hot Seat audiences. And his enemies are closing in from all sides. NPR can’t save him there. And with President Obama’s flip-flopping on national security issues and other disastrous policies, the Mad Monk’s inevitable pretzel-twisting logic to justify measures candidate Obama ran against, and the political backlash sure to follow as it has to date, I can only imagine the poisoned wine and tea cakes will start looking real good to Rasputin II as his Magic Kingdom turns to shite.

The first rule of getting out of a hole you have dug yourself into is to stop digging.  But at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday, they handed out shovels at the door.

Let’s review the state of American journalism.  Newspapers are teetering on the edge of collapse, with a savvy investor sooner scooping up a handful of Chrysler common stock then pumping cash into the Boston Globe.  The New York Times’ stock is so toxic it can only be stored inside the Yucca Mountain repository, and I can’t drive by the Los Angeles Times building without some laid-off lifestyle columnist offering to wash my windshield for a buck.  Some newspapers have gone entirely on-line, making them not even newspapers at all. 

How about the traditional networks?  I’m not even sure that NBC has news anymore.  The audience for the CBS Evening News is getting so wizened that a recent survey revealed that the majority of its elderly viewers consider Murder, She Wrote reruns ‘too edgy.”  And their news department had the most efficient business model too – why pay to gather real news when you can just make it up?  By the way, was that Dan Rather I saw ranting on one of those weird networks at the far end of the cable box, between the channel running 24-hour a day Hummel figurine sales and the one devoted to large and loving it women?    

Now, if I remember correctly, about 53% of voters voted for the President.  Well, there’s no disputing that American journalism serves that chunk of the audience.  Their fawning subservience to those in presently in power is even starting to creep out President Obama.  “Most of you covered me; all of you voted for me,” he told his audience of tingle-legged supplicants.  The audience seemed to miss the point, which is that they have abandoned their cherished no-holds barred objectivity and that he now owns them body and soul.  Maybe I misunderstood from the assembled journalists’ delight, but isn’t that what the hip kids today call a “dis?”  

So, what about the other 47% who didn’t vote for this president?  With the Internet and cable undercutting newspapers and network news as business models, one might think that trying to appeal to this massive potential audience might pay dividends.  Apparently, one would be wrong.

In an example of outside the envelope thinking, America’s journalists have decided that the smart move to save their disintegrating industry is not to simply ignore this half of the populace but to actively insult it.  Guest comic Wanda Sykes set the tone by expressing her heartfelt desire that Rush Limbaugh’s kidney’s fail.  I’m no marketing genius, but I’m not sure that it’s smart to publicly wish for the death of the spokesman for a good portion of your potential consumers.  Sometimes it’s just best to keep the thinking inside the envelope.

Alienating potential customers is not proving to be an awesome strategy.  But instead of, say, not insulting them anymore, the journalism establishment is trying a new tactic.  It’s going to keep insulting its more conservative customers but tell these customers that it is in fact not insulting them and that they are stupid for believing they are being insulted. 

For example, I cancelled the Los Angeles Times years ago, and every time some boiler room flunky would call me to re-subscribe I would patiently explain that I didn’t particularly want to pay for regurgitated leftism when I could just turn on MSNBC for free.  I must not have been the only one because I started getting a scripted response that the caller would read off of a sheet that was probably labeled “Right Wing Idiot Spiel.”   I was told that I was wrong and that the Times provides and respects “a wide range of differing views.”  That’s true – it provides and respects the whole range of views from old fashioned New Deal liberal all the way to neo-Trotskyite communist. 

The Times recently had another marketing brainstorm.  Not enough people were buying the paper so they raised the newsstand price.  I like that – the Times not only opposes capitalism but engages in passive resistance to its most basic laws.

The traditional news media needs to put aside their shovels and stop digging.  But they won’t.   They don’t even realize what kind of hole they are in.  I just hope they keep those shovels handy - they’ll need them for their next job.

Announcer

Live! From the fabulous Turtle Bay Ballroom at United Nations Headquarters, it’s the Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!

(orchestra fanfare: ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’)

With Pyongyang funnyman Kim Jong-Il! Borscht Belt headliner Vlady Putin! Queen of Mean Liz Windsor! Saudi Sheik of Schtick King Abdullah! Beijing jokeslinger Hu Jintao! Wacky al Qaeda Caveman Ayman al-Zawahiri! Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy! Sassy Wanda Sykes! South-of-the-border slapstick team Hugo Chavez and the Castro Brothers! Taliban Madman Mullah Omar! Jon Stewart! Lovable Libyan lush Muammar al-Ghadaffi! Grovelin’ Guvner Gordy Brown! Bashar “The Chin” al-Assad! The Hamas Fattah Dancers! And starring your Master of Ceremonies — that suntan man with a plan from Iran — that Persian with a nuclear perversion — Sheckyyyyyy Ahmedinejad!

(applause)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay, okay, pipe down. Let’s get this thing over with, this straitjacket is a rental and my magic carpet is double-parked on East 43rd. Mohamed H. Prophet, will you get a load of the evil on the stage tonight? I haven’t seen this many bombs since Janeane Garofalo played the American Legion convention.

(Zawahiri spit-take)

At least there aren’t any Zionist. Hey, wait a minute – there’s Jon Stewart! Oy vey, who let the Jew in? This is a comedy event, for Allah’s sake. Hey Jon, do you know what I have in common with Taco Bell? We’re both gonna give you the gas.

(Jon Stewart mugs Macaulay Culkin ‘Home Alone’ face)

But, hey, enough about these losers. Let’s talk about the man we’re all here to honor tonight: my pal, Barack Obama.

(applause)

What a mensch this guy is. Total sweetheart. As soon as he was elected, he told me he would come to the negotiating table without preconditions. You know what ‘preconditions’ are? That’s Persian for ‘balls.’ Barack, one look at the stars on the stage proves you still have a knack for community organizing. You’ve brought the entire evil community together, in the spirit of international dialog, to ask you one simple question: how does our ass taste?

(rimshot)

But not everybody has a sense of humor. When I was planning this roast, I sent invitations to every bigshot infidel TV comic in Satanland, but they all turned me down. Was it my holocaust one-liners? My ballistic missile schtick? Nope. These douchebags said they couldn’t think of anything funny about Barack Obama. Not a single thing.

(scattered groans, boos)

Yeah, exactly. I mean what the fuck? Maybe I should get my SAG card, because, come on, this clueless pussy is the biggest gift to international insult comedy since Neville Chamberlain. Holy dung, when we heard the infidels elected him, I almost had to shut down my nuke program. My scientists were laughing so hard they kicked over half of our centrifuges!

(Ghadaffi sprays tea on Assad )

But, no-o-o, all these professional comedy dipshits keep telling me Professor Urkel over here is some sort of infidel sacred joke cow. I called up Letterman, and I’m like, Dave how about a couple Obama zingers for the roast tonight? He’s like, “no, no, too controversial. Everybody loves him.” And so I’m like, how about if I just insult America? So he’s like, “yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

Okay then, here’s one: man, that America is one stupid country.

(audience: HOW STUPID IS IT?)

It’s so fucking stupid it elected Barack Obama.

Hey, hey. I kid because I love. In fact, unlike that last mumblemouth infidel asshole, Barack has been a breath of fresh air to the entire evil comedy community. He doesn’t whine about the way we treat broads or homos or journalist hostages or our uranium stockpiles. Nope. He just smiles, and apologizes, and politely asks us to “unclench our fists.” Hey bro, I’d love to, but that’s kinda hard to do when it’s stuck inside your duodenum.

Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Our first roaster comes from England, where she’s the star of a long running one-woman show at the Buckingham Palace Dinner Theater. Ladies and Martyrs, you know her, you hate her, please welcome the Queen of Spleen, Liz Windsor!

(band breaks into God Save the Queen, applause)

Liz Windsor

Thanks for that swell intro, Shecky. By the way, I know how much you love our infidel nuclear technology, but we’ve got another 1940’s invention you should really check out. It’s called deodorant.

(rimshot)

Listen folks, I know you came here expecting me to start hurling some tasteless insults at Barack Obama. But, seriously, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Barack is almost like another son to me.

(audience: awwwww)

Yeah, another jug eared idiot with a hard-on for horsefaced women. Barack was in London a couple weeks ago and rang me up, asked if he could drop by for tea. So he comes in, and I’m thinking, whoa — those Yanks have really stepped up their space program, he’s brought along a real live Klingon. Turns out it was his wife.

(rimshot)

Yep. Then, oh Jesus, in she starts with all the hugging. And I’m like, fer chrissake, somebody hand Lieutenant Worf a planet Earth protocol guide. Then Barack pops off and says, “hey Your Majesty, I brought a gift.” Okay, I’m thinking, car company? Banking system? National Park? Then I open the box. It’s an iPod. A fucking iPod. Preloaded with Barack’s easy listening speech hits.

(stares at Obama amid nervous laughter)

Yeah, way to cement that special relationship, dumbfuck. Jesus Christ, was Wal Mart sold out of Sham Wows? Oh yeah, that iPod is going in the vault with the crown jewels. Right next to that sack of DVDs you bought for Gordy Brown.

Gordon Brown

Now see here, Your Majesty! I thought that was quite thoughtful gesture, and…

Liz Windsor

Oh, shut the fuck up, Gordy. I don’t come to your job and slap Obama’s dick out of your mouth. Listen folks, my time’s up, and this tiara is chafing like a sonuvabitch. Time for me to lie back and think of England. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Liz Tudor everybody! Hey Liz — word to the wise. Stay out of the London subways this summer. By the way, you know the last thing to go through Princess Di’s head?

Liz Windsor

What’s that?

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Her ass. Next up is another monarch who primogenitured his way to the top — give a hand to that Saudi royal with a buttload of oil, King Abdullah!

(applause; ‘Desert Caravan’)

King Abdullah

Thanks everybody! Hey, how about that Shecky Ahmedinejad, ladies and gentleman? What a guy, he’d give you the Zanjeer Zani off his back. Now you know, a lot of people think I got it pretty good being a ruthless hereditary billionaire sitting on top of an ocean of crude oil and the top psycho theme park in the Middle East. But lemme tell you, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. How’d you like to have 37 mothers in-law?

(laughter)

But hey, controlling the world energy supply has its perks. People tend to treat you pretty nice. They offer you thoughtful little gifts and kickbacks. Now, Barack here, for instance, likes to offer blowjobs.

(gasps, ewwws)

What? What? Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the video. Sure, Bush liked holding hands, but he was a total pricktease. But Barack, hey, the guy goes down faster than a fat shaheed on madrassa prom night.

(Putin wipes away tears of laughter as Abdullah slowly pantomimes fellatio)

Now look Barack, I really appreciate the gesture, but regardless of what you might have heard — homie don’t swing that way.

(looks around slowly to banquet table surrounded by burqqa-clad wives)

On the other hand, send me your cell number. I never know when I’ll need a booty call. Good night folks, drive safely! Unless you’re a woman.

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Now that’s what I call crude humor. Our next performer has been called everything from the Andy Kauffman of international relations to the Gilbert Gottfried of the global nuclear club. Gird your loins for the annoying, far-out, certifiably insane comedic stylings of Kim! Jong! Il!

(applause; ‘They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Ha’)

Kim Jong Il

(walks slowly over to Barack Obama and leans into his face)

Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you!  Does this bother…

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay orderlies, cart him away. Jeez, and I thought I was nuts. Let’s bring it down a notch with a set from my dear old friend and original cast member of al-Qaeda’s Friday Night Live, Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri!

(applause, ‘911 is a Joke’)

Ayman al-Zawahiri

Thank you, thank you. What a panel we got here, huh? I haven’t seen this many sick assholes since I was doing proctology rounds at Cairo General.

(Ahmedinejad spit take)

And there’s our man of the hour, Mr. Barack fuckin’ joke thief Obama. Havin’ fun, buddy?

(Obama smiles nervously)

Listen pal, maybe I live in a cave, but I read the papers. Strafing Manhattan in a 747? Really? In case you didn’t notice, I was doing that routine like eight fucking years ago. I mean, what are you, Carlos fucking Mencia?

(Obama smiles nervously)

What’s the matter? Teleprompter got your tongue?

(Obama smiles nervously)

Holy scimitar, this fuckface couldn’t ad lib a fart. Listen, Barack, I appreciate all the reach-arounds, but if you don’t stop stealing my material I swear to Allah I’m gonna sic a copyright lawyer on your apostate ass. As soon as I can find one who isn’t a Jew. Goodnight folks, you’ve been a great audience! Death to America!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Ayman al-Zawahiri, everybody! If you’re in Swat this weekend, make sure you catch his act at the Khyber Pass Inn. Our next performer comes from the exotic Orient where he works the Forbidden City Casino. Ladies and Gentleman, the man with the biggest bankroll and smallest dick in international show biz, Mister Hu Jintao!

(applause, ‘Slow Boat to China’)

Hu Jintao

Yeah Confucius say fuck you, you third rate unibrow rug dealer. Don’t make me open a can of one-child-policy on your smelly Persian ass. You’re no Long Dong Wang yourself, and at least mine isn’t covered in camel crap. Hey everybody, how’s it goin’?

(applause)

And how about that Barack Obama. What a prince, huh? The most generous man in show biz.

(applause)

Yep. Generous to a fault. With my money. What? You think all those big tips he throws around come out of his own pocket? Just the other day he called up and said, “hey Hu, how about spotting me a couple trillion till next tax day?” And I’m like, what, does Aunt Esther need another pair of sneakers? And he goes, “no, I got a Social Security payment due.”

I’m like, dude — what happened to that last trillion I lent you? Get this: the stupid fucker spent it on a beat up Cadillac for his union buddies. So I say, look, I’m a little short right now. I’ll catch you at your 30-year treasury bond garage sale. Then the next week he’s like, dude, where were you?” Ah so, round-eye! No tickee, no thirty!

Yeah, that ain’t the half of it. Not only does this asshole expect me to be his personal ATM and pawnshop, he’s always calling up bitching about something. Just the other day, he’s like, “come on Hu, how come you keep busting my balls with your naval drive-bys?” I’m like dude, you’re 3 months overdue on your aircraft carrier payments. Those aren’t Chinese navy boats, those are repo men!

Look folks, I gotta get back home and churn out another load of defective plastic crap for Wal Mart, to make some money, to lend to Barack for some new idiot free bullshit program. Christ, and they call me a Commie! ‘Night everybody, and please remember to thank your designated tank driver.

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Hu Jintao! Toxic Choking Hazard Toy Industry’s Man of the Year, everybody! Hu Jintao. Next we have that crazy Caucasian from across the Caucasus, that Gremlin from the Kremin, 15-time winner of KGB Entertainer of the Year, Vlady Putin!

(applause)

Vlady Putin

Tank yous Shecky! Tank yous very much. Ho boy, it is good to be in America! I love America, is great country. It is land of free! Not like my country. In my country, whole government run by corrupt communist thugs. They ignore the laws. They take over companies and give the money to their friends. America is very totally different! It has 110 volt outlets.

Haha! Vlady make funny everybody! Hey Barack, you teach Vlady how to nationalize the banks, hokay?

Best thing about America is everybody is so very very nice. Especially the President Barack! He is complete pussycat. Pussy, pussy, pussycat. He loves Vlady’s practical jokes. I kick his Air Force out of Kyrgyzstan he say, hokey dokey, Vlady! Then I fly my bombers right over his ships, and he sends fat babushka lady to give me a funny reset button gag gift. I say, hey Barack, what Vlady gotta do to make you mad? He say, “just don’t go to no tea parties, hokay?”

What a country! Because Barack be so nice to me, now I want to sing him a nice American song from the Hoagy Carmichael.

(Vlady pulls out balalaika and tunes up)

Georgia, Geor-or-orgia… no peace can I find… it’s just them old sweet tanks that keep Georgia on my mind.

Tanks everybody! Take it easy on the Vodka!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Vlady Putin, everyone! Okay, our next performer is a good ol’ country boy from the hills of Waziristan, where he emcees the weekly Grand Ole Stoning show at the Wana Goat Corral. Let’s give it up for Mullah Omar!

(applause; Theme From ‘Deliverance’)

Mullah Omar

Thanks Shecky. When Shecky asked me to do this gig, I was like, what the fuck? Dude, I’m a fucking Taliban, I know as much about comedy as Perez Hilton knows about vaginas. So he says, “don’t worry. I lined up this professional infidel comedian to write your bit.” I’m like, oh yeah? And he’s like, “yeah, her name is Wanda Sykes.” And I’m like, a broad?  And he’s like, “Trust me, Barack loves her. She totally slays the infidels.”

Okay, you know I’m down with that. So then this Wanda shows up at my cave yesterday with a stack of cue cards with her jokes. And I’m like, bitch please — put on a fucking burqqa. So I’m doing the read-through, and every gag is about killing some guy named Rush Limbaugh. So, I’m like, who the fuck is this Limbaugh guy? I thought this gig was supposed to be about Obama. And she goes, “he’s a fat radio Nazi who hates Blacks and Jews and gay people.” And I’m like, hey, sounds like my kinda guy. And she’s like, “exactly!” And I’m like, why would I want to insult somebody I agree with? So she says “because he’s for the war, dumbass.”

And so at this point I’m pretty fucking confused. So I say to her, okay, now I think I get it. This fat guy is funny because (a) he supports Obama’s crusade against us, even though (b) he and I are on the same page, homo-killing-wise. The funny is from the irony or something. And she’s like, “no, idiot! Barack wants to stop the war.” So I’m like, wait a minute… Barack is against the war? Then why is he still running it? Besides, I though he actually likes homos. And she goes, “He does, you retard! That’s why he’s going to end the bombing and leave you alone.”

Now I’m even more confused. So I go, look Wanda, maybe I’m not up on your infidel inside jokes, but this material is really gonna bomb in front of a shaheed audience. So she gives me that look and says, “okay, you cracker ass cracker, why don’t you show me what you people think is funny?” Long story short..

(Omar reaches down behind podium and pulls out Wanda Sykes’ head)

Hey Wanda…here’s your sign.

Alluha Akbar, y’all!

(Omar walks back to his seat, tosses the head to Hugo Chavez who puts it on his hand, muppet style)

Hugo Chavez

Saright?

Wanda Sykes’ Head

Saright!

(Abdullah falls out chair in helpless laughter; Fidel Castro stares in comatose deadpan)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Mullah Omar, everybody! Now that’s why they call him the king of prop comedy!

Okay folks. Now, it’s time to hear from the man who’s been sitting here all evening, silently absorbing all our insults. Here’s his chance to get a little payback! Ladies and Dictators, please welcome our esteemed man of the hour, leader of the infidel world, and the only man in the room who doesn’t realize he’s way over his head — President Barack Obama!

(standing ovation; ‘Hail to the Chief’)

Barack Obama

Lemme tell ya, I don’t get any respect.

(torrential screams of convulsive uncontrollable sustained laughter; Sarkozy falls backwards in chair; Omar wipes tears away while shooting AK47 into air; Abdullah pantomimes fellatio; Castro stares comatose; Vlady pilots toy airplane above Obama’s head; Kim and Shecky take turns punching gag missile launch button; Jon Stewart mugs look of horror)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

That’s all the time we have tonight! Thanks to all the performers, and Barack Obama for being such a good sport. See you at the next Rat Pack of Evil roast, when we move to the fabulous Boom Boom Room at the Radioactive Crater Resort in Downtown Jerusalem! Goodnight 12th Imam, wherever you are!