In 1962, John F. Kennedy noted that “We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard…” However, according to “Transformers: Dark of the Moon,” the actual reason we went to the moon was to investigate a “Transformer” crash-landing there. Unfortunately, the film’s focus on rewriting history is one of the very few good things about the third installment in this tired series.

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Both this installment and the “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” have made me question my enjoyment of the original. I’ve seen “Transformers” since it arrived in theaters but now that I’ve seen the sequels it spawned, it’s hard to explain how the filmmakers went so wrong in what could have been a fun and exciting series. Both sequels  are overlong affairs, completely devoid of excitement or intrigue.

“Dark of the Moon” begins with a strong action sequence in space showing the battle for Cybertron. With 3D glasses, this battle and several other action sequences are impressive. Reminiscent of the battle sequence from the original “Star Wars,” this scene shows what can be done with the use of strong special effects and 3D.

Soon enough, the story begins rewriting history. Intermixed with clips of actors playing Presidents Nixon and Kennedy, real footage shows the former presidents talk about our nation’s first trip to the moon but the film argues that our goals on the moon were far different than what was stated publicly. Like in “X-Men,” an alternate reality is created using real-life events to supplement the story and in both stories, this alternate history lesson works well. Unfortunately, neither the strong special effects or rewriting history can overcome the story’s shortcomings.

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Whenever I’m accused of carrying water for conservative-leaning films, my best defense is always “Transformers 2,” which I ranked as number 1,2, and 3 in my list of the five worst films of that year. Love me some Michael Bay for making the Obama administration part of the problem and treating the United States Military with the respect it deserves, but…

And I’m a Michael Bay defender. Other other than the shaky-cam, I didn’t hate the first one, but it’s no exaggeration for me to say that sitting through the sequel was the most purely painful cinema-going experience of my life  … and I’ve seen “Grace is Gone.”

Bay and his star Shia Le-what’s-his-name have both fessed up to the awfulness of part 2 and have a pretty valid excuse for where it all went so wrong, the writer’s strike. So let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and trust they’ve learned from their mistakes.

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Avatar’s “hero” is a Marine who decides alien poontang trumps your entire species. He condemns his planet to slow destruction rather than allow them to continue to over-zealously mine some ore.

If you watch as many movies and TV shows as I do you’ll notice something rather annoying besides all the lame cliches that keep getting trotted out. And that’s the latest cliche to show up over and over again as the big “reveal” of the climax.

The bad guy turns out to be a traitor of some kind.

Either he’s the hero’s close relative, friend, buddy, co-worker…or, if the film deals with the military or national security in some way, the villain turns out to be a “patriot” who is trying to save America from itself by destroying it.

You have to ask yourself, what kind of Freudian slip is this? Writers usually know what they are trying to say. I know that may be hard to believe if you saw Terminator: Salvation or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, but yes, writers usually are trying to make some kind of thematic statement. (more…)

Dear Hollywood,

I’m sorry, but things just aren’t working out.

That’s hard to hear, I know, and believe me, it’s hard to say. After all, we’ve had some great times together. But let’s face it – those great times are few and far between these days. In fact, things have been going downhill for a while now, and we both know it.

Remember when we would be together all the time, three or four times a week, even? Well, how often have we been together this year? Three or four total, I think, each time more painful and embarrassing than the last. The Watchmen? Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? How did it come to this?

I guess my feelings began to change when your interest in CGI, which I thought cute at first, became your full blown obsession. Suddenly, that’s all you seemed to care about, and everything you made began to look like a goddamn cartoon. Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not that into cartoons.

By the way, about all those times I told you “Oh, that CG looks so real…I couldn’t even tell” – I faked it. It looks like shit, and doesn’t fool anyone. About time someone told you to your face. (more…)

John Podhoretz in the Weekly Standard:

“[T]he system around which the motion-picture business has oriented itself almost since its creation in the early years of the last century–the star system, which it largely invented–has finally reached its end.”

“The eight most successful movies over the course of the year’s first eight months have collectively grossed $2.7 billion, up from $2.3 billion for the entirety of 2008. And what is most striking about these eight films is that not a single one of them, not a single one, features an unmistakable star. Three of them are cartoons (Up, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and Monsters vs. Aliens). Three are sequels whose top-line talents are incidental to their success (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the sixth Harry Potter, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine). Two feature relative nobodies (Star Trek and The Hangover). The first traditional star appears in the ninth-place film, which is itself a high-concept sequel in which the star mostly stands around (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian with Ben Stiller). It’s not until tenth place that a classic vehicle hits the list, Sandra Bullock’s The Proposal. And after that you have to jump down to 15th place to find Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons. Will Ferrell’s movie tanked. Julia Roberts laid an egg. Adam Sandler couldn’t sell a ticket. Johnny Depp disappointed. Denzel Washington and John Travolta bombed together. Instead, the movies whose successes depended on their strong leading performances were the ones featuring the 57-year-old Irishman Liam Neeson (Taken, $145 million) and the out-of-work TV comedian Kevin James (Paul Blart: Mall Cop, $146 million).
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There’s not a whole lot to say about Michael Bay’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” From the first shot to the last, the whole affair is such a mess that for 151 minutes you just wait for the end. Not a single scene, not one, is coherent or capable of holding your attention. The humor is juvenile in a potty mouth kind of way, the performances don’t mean much because no one’s playing anything other than a cartoon, and the action is no more stimulating than watching kids play with action figures.

Numbing doesn’t begin to describe the experience. The movie is simply awful, Bay’s worst since “Bad Boys 2.”

Sam (Shia LeBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox) are still together, but he’s on his way east to college and a long distance romance via webcam looms. His first day at school, Sam’s brain starts to go haywire just as the Decepticons ready some kind of comeback that can only be accomplished with what’s in Sam’s head. With the help of Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and a number of “comic-relief” Autobots, Sam and Mikaela outrun explosions as big robots fight over something that could kill the sun or something. (more…)

With “Wolverine” opening this Friday, summer finally, finally arrives.

We’ve celebrated the good.  We’ve dreaded the bad.

Now on to the maybes; those that could fall either way, or just do the minimum by delivering a couple hours of forgettable entertainment. I’ll take that and truth be told, when the lights dim, they’re all “maybes” to me because when the lights dim I’m twelve again. But the lights aren’t dimming now and in the cool light of day I’m on the fence over these.

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May 22nd: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - The first one was a splendid concept brought down by a cookie-cooker plot involving a dad having to redeem himself. The hope is that the sequel is looser and less constrained by boilerplate convention. I’m a little ticked The Mighty Mickey Rooney wasn’t brought back, but it’s still a great concept and one helluva cast. (more…)