But I still love movies, and I still have hope that Hollywood is going to accidentally let slip though its paws at least a couple films this year that don’t insult my intelligence, that don’t hector me with pinko propaganda, and that don’t derive from some obscure comic book beloved by a cult of social misfit fanboys whose idea of a romantic evening is a hi-speed Internet connection, a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and an old tube sock.  

And I love trailers too.  I hate commercials in front of movies, but there can never be too many trailers.  Each new trailer is like a bright new dawn or a just-poured pint of draft Dos Equis lager – full of hope and promise.  Sure, most of the time that hope and promise fades when Kevin James waddles on-screen to make a fart joke, but still….there are moments where something awesome blows your mind.  

Those rare, fleeting moments where a trailer teases you with the promise of a great story, an exciting adventure, a hilarious romp…where you think “Wow, that looks cool!”…where you just know that as funny as the jokes the trailer reveals are, the ones that await in the movie itself will be even funnier…they make sitting through the crap worth it.  That’s what makes me love trailers – trailers have the power to remind us that movies don’t have to suck.  

With that in mind, in descending order of how awful they look to me, let’s check out just some of the movies that are coming down the pike in the next few months….  

Final Destination 5  (Due August 12, 2011):  

This latest entry in this apparently never-ending series of gore-soaked exercises in armchair sadism raises an important question:  Why do we allow people who pay to see these movies to vote?  

I am not saying that the kind of brain-dead quarter-wits who would plop down $15 of dough that probably came from some government handout are responsible for this administration and the Democratic majority in the Senate, but I’m not not saying it.  For the sake of our nation, I propose an amendment to our Constitution that forever bars anyone buying a ticket to a Final Destination film from ever again exercising the right to vote.   

On the up side, the special effects look okay.  Pass.  

The Adventures of TinTin (Due December 23, 2011):  

Finally, Steven Spielberg has given in to the public clamor for a motion capture movie based on some Belgian comic strip that no one in any country that matters has ever heard of about a creepy-looking kid and his stupid dog.  

At the threshold, motion capture technology can’t yet bridge the uncanny valley and always tends to create there weird characters that cause you to spend the whole movie thinking “If that thing comes near me I’ll kill it with a rake.”   

So, instead of using the technology in a limited way to spice up live action with some strange being – like Gollum in Lord of the Rings – they make it the whole movie and it’s almost always a disaster.  You’ll notice how this post does not refer to the upcoming Polar Express 2: The Revenge.  

Second, comic book movies are awful enough, but a Belgian comic book?  Belgium is like France without the good parts.  Pass.  

30 Minutes or Less (August 12, 2011):  

I’m a traditionalist and I like my comedies funny, which is why I’m not looking forward to this one.  Apparently inspired by the incident where some poor pizza guy was blown apart by a psycho who clipped a bomb to him to force him to rob a bank, this features the same general scenario with the addition of lots of people shouting, making funny faces, swearing and driving cars badly.  There’s your comedy gold; I’m eagerly awaiting to their hilarious spoof of the Rwanda genocide.   

A little of stars Jesse Eisenberg and Danny McBride goes a long way, light years in fact.  Aziz Ansari is there too and he’s kind of funny.  But this just looks agonizing.  Pass.  

Killer Elite (Due September 23, 2011):  

No.  No, it’s not a remake of the awesome, quirky 1975 Sam Peckinpah masterpiece The Killer Elite.  In that, James Caan, Robert Duvall, Burt Young and a bunch of other studs fought World War III all over the San Francisco Bay Area.  It kicked more ass than John Boehner could ever get in line.  

But this…what a waste.  I like Jason Stratham, I really do, but he’s becoming to playing invincible killing machines what Michael Cera is to playing quirky millennial smartasses.  This is the same karate-kicking, gun-wielding, unstoppable guy he’s been in every movie he’s ever made – it needs to end.  In fact, the whole invulnerable, unstoppable hero trope needs to end.  Move on!  There’s no suspense – super death dealer guy gets wronged, he seeks vengeance, he wins.  We’ve seen it a zillion times before, but I’m not seeing it again.  

And De Niro’s in it.  De Niro!  What, did he invest with Madoff or something?  You can practically see him mentally endorsing his paycheck as he goes through the motions in the explodey/shooty trailer.  And I usually like movies that are explodely and shooty.  Pass.  

Just for a taste of what could have been, here’s the kick-ass Suisun Bay mothball fleet climax of the original.  Savor:  

Real Steel (Due October 7, 2011):  

I can hear just the pitch that got this made: “Think Rocky meets Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, and best of all, we don’t have to pay Stallone or Mattel a dime!”  

Okay, so big robots box.  There’s that.  Oh, and there is a kid too, of course.  He’s wise beyond his years.  Didn’t see that coming.  And Hugh Jackman is a down on his luck boxer who needs to teach a robot to fight to save his relationship with his kid.  But the real question is, can he teach the robot to love?  

Kill me.  Pass.  

Immortals (Due November 11, 2011):  

I think I liked this CGI swords, sandals and screaming movie better when it was titled 300.  

Sure, it looks impressive, if you like watching CGI renderings in slow motion and digitally enhanced bloodletting.  But then the actors open their mouths and it’s all downhill from there.  If the best dialogue they could find is in the trailer, what aural torment awaits us in the theater?  I hope they think to include subtitles translating Cliché into English.    

And I’m exhausted by movies about unbeatable sword guys who literally mow down hundreds of faceless, nameless opponents without a receiving scratch, though they do break a sweat – all these guys seem to literally glisten.  It’s boring.  And it’s creepy.  Pass.  

Moneyball (Due September 23, 2011):  

Now, you need to understand that I detest spectator sports – particularly baseball – with a venom I usually reserve for liberal social programs, Red Lobster, and Rage Against the Machine.  Which is why the trailer for this film, the true story of an Oakland A’s manager who apparently radically changed the game, is so good.  I can’t wait to see it.  

Let’s look at why, because it illustrates what Hollywood can do to get people like me back into those stained, stinky seats.  The trailer introduces the conflict – an impoverished ball club on the rocks – and then hints at how it will be solved – by interesting characters coloring outside the lines.  Add the incomparable charisma of Brad Pitt, plus some solid dialogue and some fine technical work (the cinematography and direction look fantastic) and you have a movie that adults want to see.  The fact that the trailer is expertly cut to hint at the story and pique our interest without giving away the entire plot only helps.  

Now, I know from the sports fans who pester me with their yammering all the time that there is a lot more to this real-life story than what is on this trailer.  But the point is that I want to find out.  I want to know the story; I want the movie to take me into world that I know (and, frankly, care) nothing about and show me how it works.  That’s what makes a great movie – and a movie I will plop down my $30 to take my hot wife to see.  I’m there.  Go!  

So there it is – an enormous amount of crap, but maybe a few little nuggets of gold as well.  Remember that we get crap in large part because people pay to see crap.  Don’t see crap.  Instead, criticize, mock and disrespect crappy movies with a vengeance.  This is important – stupidity needs to be mocked or bad things happen, like Obamacare and Lady Gaga.  But good stuff – well, you need to support it.  

Happy movie-going!

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What’s to Like: Charlie Hunnam and Patrick Wilson, two of the film’s stars, have done solid work before. Hunnam was great in the short-lived sitcom “Undeclared” and Wilson has appeared in a few strong films.

What’s to Dislike: Other than a few solid cast members, there’s little reason to see this movie. The trailer seems to reveal a great deal of the plot and strongly hints at an anti-Christian message. Even the dialogue is terrible (i.e. “You have a sexy mouth”).  If this film is as heavy-handed as the trailer, this film could be atrocious.

IMDB Synopsis: “A thriller in which a battle of philosophies between a fundamentalist Christian and an atheist escalates into a lethal battle of wills. Ultimately, as a test of faith, or lack of it, the believer forces the non-believer onto the ledge of a tall building. He then has one hour to make a choice between his own life and someone else’s. Without faith in an afterlife, will he be capable of such a sacrifice?”

The Verdict: I don’t see any reason to get excited for “The Ledge.” It could be better than the trailer looks but usually trailers are better than the movie. Not the other way around.

You have to believe that out there somewhere is an action movie director who knows what a tripod is.  That there is a young lead actor who has never starred in a CW television series about beautiful but sensitive teenage male models with supernatural powers.  That there is a comedy screenwriter who can imagine a “funny” situation not involving a bodily fluid.  That Michael Cera will one day play a different character.

In that spirit, a spirit of Pollyannaish hope in the face of overwhelming evidence indicating that Hollywood’s product will almost certainly continue to demonstrate that evolution is a two-way street, I present ten movies that are coming within the next six months that might actually be good – or at least not make me throw things at the screen and slap around the ushers.

1.  The Wolfman (This Weekend):  I’m digging the idea of this remake of the classic Universal horror flick.  The super cool trailer got me, as did the presence of Anthony Hopkins.  Now, let’s talk about the baggy-eyed, mumbly elephant in the room.  Yeah, it’s got Benicio Del Toro, but on the bright side he’ll probably spend most of the movie howling.  Sure, I’m still steamed about his commie suck-up fests Che Part  I and Part II, but at least the second one has a deliriously happy ending. 

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2.  Shutter Island (February 29, 2010):  I’ve taken some grief lately about my view that Leonardo DiCaprio is to acting what herpes is to romance.  Not Ben Shapiro-level grief, but grief nonetheless.  In my own defense, DiCaprio is terrible.  And that brings us to this bizarre Scorsese flick that I had zero interest in until I watched the mind-blowing trailer.  Apparently DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo are government agents and they go to some mental hospital for the criminally insane and everything works out swimmingly.  Not.  It looks awesome, even with Leo.  Freaky.  Creepy.  I am so there.

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3.  The Crazies (February 26, 2010):  I love zombie movies.  I even wrote one once.  The producers who optioned it hired a script consultant who wanted me to build up the characters’ back stories.  I observed that perhaps they had forgotten that it was a zombie movie.  Hence my career in law.  But I digress.  This flick, a remake of George Romero’s little-seen original – little-seen because it stinks – at least seems to have the potential for some old-fashioned B-movie thrills.  It’s regular folks turning into homicidal maniacs – classic.  Sure, there seems a slight anti-military vibe to the trailer with the implication that our troops are a bit trigger-happy, but hey – when the zombie apocalypse starts, bro, it’s shoot first and ask questions later.

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4.  Cop Out (February 26, 2010):  Yes, it looks idiotic, but it’s Kevin Smith directing Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan in a cop movie.  Oh, and that Stifler guy is in it too.  How can that go wrong?  Actually, how will I know if it goes wrong, because I’m not seeing it without first having a Dos Equis or four to get my mind right.  This will be perfect for those nights when you don’t want to challenge yourself with more cerebral fare – like The Crazies.

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5.  Greenberg (March 26, 2010):  This new Ben Stiller film, directed by Noah Baumbach, looks like some kind of art house slacker-comedy.  Still, it seems amusing, and it also features the return of Jennifer Jason Leigh.  From the trailer, she’s gotten even cuter.  It’s worth a shot.

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6.  Hot Tub Time Machine (March 26, 2010):  Let me just say it again, because if you are wondering why this movie must not be missed then you obviously did not read and appreciate the title:  Hot Tub Time Machine.  Witness the magic.  John Cusak.  Rob Corddry.  Craig Robinson.  The chubby guy who turned Amish in Sex Drive.  With unharnessed star power like that, you’re guaranteed at least a mildly amusing time at the theater.

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7.  Robin Hood (May 14, 2010):  This is the reunion of Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott, and we can only hope it is a tenth as indisputably badass as Gladiator.  The trailer looks interesting, with lots of hacking and smiting.  Still, I’m worried.  I never liked the whole “steal from the rich and give to the poor thing” – I always thought maybe the poor should get off their collective butts and get to work instead of waiting for handouts.  Those barges and bales aren’t going to tote and lift themselves.  But again I digress.  Let’s just keep our fingers crossed on this one.

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8.  The Last Airbender (July 2, 2010):  Who knows – maybe director’s M. Night Shyamalan’s latest surprise twist will be to make a movie that doesn’t suck.  After watching the baffling trailer, I still have no idea in hell what this is about.  My wife says this is somehow related to a cartoon series, and the kids want to see it.  Whatever – I’m just happy about being able to take the kids to the movies and not ending up having to explain where babies come from.

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 9.  Cyrus (July 9, 2010):  I’m a sucker for comedies of acute discomfort, and this one seems appallingly uncomfortable.  John C. Reilly, who was incredibly moving as the loser cop in Magnolia, is the anti-hero.  He meets up with Marissa Tomei, who has a really creepy son in the form of the bulbous Jonah Hill.  Antics ensue.  I can’t wait.

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10.  The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (June 30, 2010):  I’m thoroughly excited about this latest entry in the emo-vampire sweepstakes.  Sorry there’s no trailer, but I’m sure the filmmakers will be branching off in surprising, challenging new directions.  It goes without saying that the first two films were awesome.  Kristen Stewart’s trademark lip-bite can convey an astonishing range of emotions, from anger to fear to joy to unrequited horniness.  That skinny pale boy is dreamy too.  I think that these films get a bad rap, what with most people mocking them instead of approaching the films as the powerful stand-alone artistic statements that they are.  Yes, I am truly looking forward to Twilight III – mostly because it will mean that for a while the kind of people who like these films will be sitting in movie theaters far the hell away from me. 

Looking back over this list, it’s pretty clear that the studios are not exactly front-loading the 2011 Oscar contenders.  But not every movie has to be great.  Sometimes you just want to have fun, and for the next six months that’s where the bar is going to be set – at “Fun,” right below “That Really Made Me Think,” but a notch above “I Shoulda Smuggled in Some More Beers.” 

Maybe next fall there’ll be a few more mature entries.  Until then, just remember that for every Casablanca, there are a thousand MacGrubers.

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I say, after three previous movies, if anyone’s going to this film to be surprised, they’re probably going to be disappointed. If a film creates a compelling world, knowing the plot does not matter. Call it “The Godfather Effect.”  I’ve seen those films (“Godfather I” or “II,” take your pick) dozens of times, yet I’ll always stop and watch them while couchsurfing.

Why? Great characters and a fascinatingly rich world centered on power and family.

While I’m not saying “Salvation” is “The Godfather,” I do like the world of these films. I’m seeing “Salvation” tonight with BH honcho John Nolte and I can’t wait.

Oh, and speaking of revealing too much, “Salvation” director McG tells SciFi Wire a promised nudie scene where Moon Bloodgood takes her shirt off felt gratuitous. 

Here’s Moon:

And here’s what McG told SciFi Wire:

There’s a topless scene of Moon Bloodgood that I thought was a very beautiful scene, that Moon thought was a beautiful scene, that we ultimately cut because we didn’t want to fall into any of the cliches of the genre, like “Here’s the scene where the beautiful girl takes her top off.” I thought it was a soft moment between a man and a woman that was designed to echo the Kelly McGillis/Harrison Ford moment in Witness, for God’s sake. They never touch each other; they just notice each other. But, in the end, it felt more like a gratuitous moment of a girl taking her top off in an action picture, and I didn’t want that to convolute the story or the characters.

For the cynics out there who say the studio probably pressured him into it for a PG-13 rating, McG says it ain’t so, honest Injun’: 

We were liberated by [Warner Brothers president of production] Jeff Robinov from day one, and I give you my word that there’s no way that Christian or Sam or I, for that matter, would shoot a picture aiming for a rating.

One source of endless enjoyment for me and my co-workers is watching how the various buyers (DVD, television, and international) market the films.  The trailers, posters, and commercials  are wildly different depending on who the intended audience is.  As an example, in the U.S. my latest film is called “Chrome Angels.” It’s a sci-fi/action/comedy about a female biker gang that runs into a town populated by evil cyborgs. At the Cannes Film Market, the distributor is calling it “Cyborg Conquest.”  The trailer and poster don’t even reference female bikers, motorcycles, or comedy.  They, instead, are selling it as a serious action film centered on CGI cyborgs that don’t actually appear in the film.

Hollywood has done this for years.  How many times have you seen a trailer that looked awesome, only to find the film to be lame?  Most of the time the best parts of the movie are in the trailer.  While domestically, we rarely see the blatant trickery demonstrated by the overseas vendors, we are occasionally subjected to marketing elements that don’t match the final product.

Politics today is very similar to Hollywood. We have a President known more for his wife’s fashion and his great speeches than any policy achievements.  After all, do you call someone lost without their script (i.e. teleprompter) anything but an actor?  It’s all style and no substance.  People pick politicians like they pick movies, based on the short version, the “trailer,” and not on the substance of the actual individual.  It’s an emotional decision, based on immediate needs and not on actual principles.

And this, my friends, is where the conservative movement has lost the battle.  Poll after poll indicates that the American public likes President Obama, but are against every single one of his actions and policies.  On a broader scope, they actually are against the very tenants of the liberal agenda.  The people love the trailer and the poster, but the movie itself gets two “big thumbs down.”

The Democrats pulled a great maneuver.  They sold everyone a bunch of tired, old, ideas that we know won’t work as “Hope and Change.” They inflated their box office to make it seem like they had the number one film in the country.   They created the “must see” movie event of the year, despite the fact that their production is lamer than the last installment of the “Police Academy” franchise.

In fact, they cut together a trailer like this one, that sells the film as something it isn’t:

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If you saw that trailer, then paid $10 bucks to see the real movie, you’d be pretty pissed.  Imagine the reaction when the U.S. wakes up and gets the tab for the “Obama Movie” that we’re all living in right now.
All we need to do is refine and change our marketing.  We know the critics (which in our industry is the mainstream media) are going to savage us, but who cares?  How many summer blockbusters that make hundreds of millions of dollars get stellar reviews from the New York Times?

Conservatism is all about freedom.  That’s the sales pitch.  Conservatives endorse freedom.  We are the modern day rebels.  We are the punk rockers of politics.  We like to work hard and party harder.  The government is “The Man.” “The Man” tries to hold you down.  Anybody who wants the “safety net” of cradle to the grave government support should be ridiculed.  And rightfully so.

I grow a bit tired of the in-fighting on all the conservative blogs and news shows between the “social conservatives”: and the Libertarian wing of the party.  Ditch abortion.  Don’t ditch abortion.  Move to the center.  Don’t abandon principles.  It’s a defeatist argument and one that really doesn’t need to be fought.  The David Frums and Meghan McCains have it half right.  Where they lose me is in their obvious attempts to gain approval from our enemies.

But they do have one thing right.  In the current climate, many of the social issues are big losers amongst certain voter groups.  The biggest bloc, and the one we have the greatest potential to turn, is women.  Women tend to poll liberal on issues like gay marriage and abortion.

Now, before this turns into a two-hundred comment post with people yelling about not giving up their core principles, let me be clear.  I do not advocate that the party pull left or advertise itself as “Democrat-light.”  But I do advocate prioritizing the issues that form the foundation of our marketing campaign..

I’m sure “Transformers 2″ has a romantic subtext between Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox.  I’m sure that there are at least two minutes in the film of them making kissy face and being sappy.  Yet, the trailer is all about giant robots trashing everything in sight.  In fact, almost every shot is a giant explosion, or a giant robot.  That’s smart marketing.  It’s a summer popcorn movie.  Give the people what they want.  If there is a great romance or moments of rip-roaring comedy, that’s a pleasant surprise.  But, if I don’t see a forklift turn into a robot and crush an Apache helicopter, I will be disappointed.

Did the Democrats put nationalizing the banks, firing corporate CEOs, and practically making out with Hugo Chavez in their trailer?  Did their poster include Obama’s embarrassing world apology tour?  I think not.

Yet, we allow the media to frame the discussions and the debates.  Why, for example, did most of our pundits take the bait on the Perez Hilton thing and let the media frame the arguments as an example of the gay marriage issue being debated in the public forum?  That incident was about how the left stifles free speech.  It was about how women are second-class citizens in the Democratic party.  Every discussion of Ms. California should have been an opportunity to bring up the media’s treatment of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton.  But it wasn’t.  Instead, we allowed the Democrats to cut our trailer and replace the robot on the key art with a photo of Shia LaBeouf.

The core values of the movement can be different from the marketing campaign.  That’s the smart way to do it.  It’s how the Democrats took over the government and it’s our only hope at taking it back.

Is Kirk a jerk?

Two new “Star Trek” clips have hit the web and I like one, but not the other.

The first is called “A Shot of Love,” and it debuted over at MTV. It has Kirk (Chris Pine) hitting on Uhura (Zoe Saldana) before mouthing off to some barroom degenerates.

Kirk comes off as a spoiled brat and, from the cut on his face in other video that’s been posted, it doesn’t look like he comes away unscathed. (MTV also has some exclusive “Star Trek” video from the film’s set.)

I was much more impressed with “Star Trek’s” second trailer, which still reminded me of Kirk’s challenges, but not why I might loathe him.

Anyway, today’s second new clip is called “Disease and Danger” and it’s posted over at Yahoo. “D&D” is much more of what I love from the franchise: It details the first meeting between Kirk and an argumentative and hypochondriac Dr. “Bones” McCoy. Good stuff. I can’t wait to see this movie.

What do you think?