But these great Americans are generally not members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and they don’t get to vote for who takes home the Oscar.  People like Sean Penn do.  And Tim Robbins.   And tranny vomit recipient Susan Sarandon.  

—–

These are the kind of folks who make up the majority of Oscar voters, so it’s no wonder that the Academy Awards show is so often a festival of nitwittery that leaves normal Americans scratching their heads wondering, “Um, what the hell was that?” 

Oscar has more than its share of astonishing failures, of crazy-uncle-locked-in-the-attic nods that the Academy sorely regretted about the time the after-party coke bowls ran dry.  The terrible Oscar choices listed here are only from the last few decades since the sting of choosing How Green Is My Valley over Citizen Kane and The Maltese Falcon has presumably faded since 1941– well, for some of us.  Oh, and you won’t find Marisa Tomei on this list – she rocks.  Deal with that, haters. 

So, in no particular order of insanity, here are Oscar’s 10 biggest recent screw-ups: ]

1. Crash: Best Picture 2006: Before Paul Haggis annoyed the Scientologists, he annoyed most of the rest of the world with Crash, a ponderous stew of liberal guilt and condescension that lucked into a Best Picture Oscar through a combination of pinko button pushing and the pure dumb luck of having an equally tiresome raft of competing nominees.  

—–

With fellow nominees Brokeback Mountain, Munich, Capote, and Good Night and Good Luck, Crash was up against sodomy, moral equivalence, more sodomy and George Clooney.  Apparently, the voters found Crash the lesser of five mediocrities. 

2. Shakespeare In Love: Best Picture 1999:  Well, I guess I’m just being petty.  I mean, Saving Private Ryan was merely a stirring, technically magnificent tribute to the unbelievable bravery of the heroes who stormed the beaches at Normandy and freed Europe from the grip of Nazi tyranny.  But Shakespeare In Love was about show business and it also displayed Gwyneth Paltrow’s epically unimpressive rack.  So I guess it was an easy choice for the Academy – they got to pick a flick about Actors and Acting while also dissing those dirty brutes who do Army stuff.  To pat themselves on their collective backs and diss the proles – how could they pass up that opportunity?  Well, they couldn’t, and they didn’t. 

—–

Now, there’s nothing really wrong with Shakespeare In Love.  It’s a perfectly serviceable film if you happen not to have testes, or merely hate all they stand for.  Sure, there are some guys out there who think a topless Gwyneth from 14 years ago is sexy, but movies need to appeal to more than just lonely shut-ins whose life partners are manufactured by the Kleenex Corporation.  This condescending, anti-American snob is to hot women what her husband’s band Coldplay is to cool music,and she needs to stick to her goop.com blog where she comments on the everyday problems that real moms face, like uppity butlers and “tiara hair.”  Enough said about her.  

In ambition and execution, Private Ryan – a film I have my problems with – was so manifestly superior artistically and technically that to overlook it could not simply be a mistake.  The electrifying initial landing scene is so unforgettable that it alone justified a Best Picture award regardless of what came after.  No, there had to be an agenda.  And that’s what makes this choice more than just risible – it was despicable. 

3. Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman: Best Actor 1993:  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  From his iconic roles in the 70’s like Michael Corleone to the bizarrely over-the-top but unforgettable Tony Montana in the 80’s, you could always count on Al to deliver.  But this?  It’s bad enough that it came to this; it’s worse that the Academy acted as an enabler to Pacino’s sad decline into tedious caricature. 

—–

Hooah?  I don’t think so. 

4. Roberto Begnini in Life Is Beautiful: Best Actor 1999:  This award was so manifestly undeserved that it made President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize seem as underwhelming as a third place middle school science fair ribbon tossed at Albert Einstein.  Let me put this out there – Life Is Beautiful is perhaps the stupidest, most offensive major motion picture ever made.  When the Nazis came looking for Begnini, this holocaust comedy literally had people in the audience yelling, “Hey, he’s hiding in the alley!” 

—–

Someone told Roberto Begnini a terrible lie – that he was amusing.  In fact, he is the most annoying performer in the entire history of cinema, a history that includes Matt Damon and Channing Tatum.  What takes him to a whole new level of suck is that he thinks he’s hilarious, which he is – in the same way a giant herpetic lesion is hilarious.  

The “wacky” English-mangling acceptance speech he offered when presented with this award was brilliant…to those who hit the sauce in their limos beforehand.  For the rest of the audience, it was like a root canal sans anesthetic, but without the fun.  Fortunately, Begnini has faded into well-deserved obscurity and his movies are today largely forgotten, a tribute to the collective human mind’s ability to block out traumatic experiences. 

5. Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine: Best Supporting Actor 2007:  “Let’s honor a trangressive indie comedy where the grandpa swears and drinks and does drugs – yeah, that’ll blow the collective minds of those squares out there in Jesusland!”  Such was no doubt the thought process that went into handing the little gold naked guy to veteran Alan Arkin for what was essentially playing the same curmudgeonly character he’d been essaying since the great Freebie and the Bean.  Now, that was an amusing, truly un-PC movie: 

—–

So rent Freebie and let Little Miss Sunshine fade into a vague, unpleasant memory. 

6. Diablo Cody for Juno: Best Original Screenplay 2008:  Once again, the Academy experienced the equivalent of a “double bagger,” where it wakes up in the morning, looks at what it brought home, and asks “What the hell was I thinking?” 

—–

Juno is not the most horrible movie of all time, despite the presence of the spirit-killing Michael Cera and Ellen Page and a soundtrack full of crappy, waify hipster alt-folk songs that are so twee they make Justin Beiber seem like Megadeth.  It’s just that Juno is embarrassingly pretentious, with the precocious heroine’s vocabulary packed with painfully cutesy words like “shenanigans.”  And when Rainn Wilson’s character calls her “home skillet,” well, you just want to slap him. 

This is the problem with a novelty act movie – the Academy is amused for a few minutes, votes it an Oscar, then spends the rest of eternity shaking its collective head after figuratively sobering up.  

7. An Inconvenient Truth: Best Documentary 2007:  It’s hard to believe that it was only four years ago that people actually believed in global warming.  But it’s not hard at all to believe that among the biggest suckers were the pampered quarter-wits who do most of the Academy Award voting.  Al Gore’s ridiculous exercise in propaganda, delivered with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, was a natural choice for the Oscar voters, but they were probably pretty disappointed they couldn’t also vote for the nominated documentary that dissed Christians or the other one that trashed America over Iraq.  Whoever said that Hollywood doesn’t embrace a diversity of thought?  

—–

In any case, An Inconvenient Truth is destined to be the Reefer Madness of 2007, with stoned UC Berkeley students from the Class of 2032 laying around their dorms laughing at how stupid people were back in the mid-aughts.  Well, some people. 

8. The English Patient: Best Picture 1997:  Perhaps the Academy wanted some balance after properly awarding the magnificent Schindler’s List Best Picture in 1994, which is the only possible explanation for why this over-praised, under-interesting celluloid atrocity could have won.  After all, this is the film that seriously posits that collaborating with the Nazis is perfectly cool if it will help you score with a mediocre chick who happens to be married to some other dude.  

—–

Sure, we can’t expect the film’s mere utter moral bankruptcy to dissuade the Academy voters – these are the folks who think Roman Polanski is the real victim.  But couldn’t they at least notice that this soapy melodrama is about the most boring way to spend nearly three hours outside of a Meet the Press marathon?  

9. Kate Winslet in The Reader: Best Actress 2009:  What the hell is it with Hollywood and Nazi sympathizers?  Well, admittedly Kate Winslet’s character had more going for her than just cavorting with brownshirts – she was illiterate and liked to do underage boys.  In Hollywood, that’s like an acting trifeca, and Kate went the full fascist-illiterate-pedo. 

—–

Oh, the performance itself?  Um, I have a question:  How did Kate Winslet get tagged as some sort of great thespian revelation?  In every movie she is in, she always seems to bear the same furrowed-brow, vaguely troubled expression, as if she was suffering from mild indigestion.  It must be something else – perhaps her willingness to doff her clothes and display her chubby charms in pretty much everything she’s been in.  Whatever.  

10. 3-6 Mafia’s “Hard Out here For A Pimp”: Best Song 2006:  Perhaps the most hilarious pick of all time, the Academy’s choice of the year’s Best Song from the rap/hooker extravaganza Hustle & Flow was just awesome.  For once, the saccharine Disney ditties and the generic pop hits were thrust aside in favor of a gritty urban tune that finally dared to musically explore the difficulties that industrious entrepreneurs face in their daily lives.  Yeah, nothing like a song we can all relate to. 

Most amazing were the hip hop stylings of those past and future unknowns, 3-6 Mafia, cavorting on stage while a bunch of dancers dressed like Hollywood’s idea of “hos” gyrated and frolicked before the bejeweled and bewildered audience: 

—–

Simply spectacular.  Yeah, it sure is hard out here for a pimp who’s trying to get his money for the rent.  Who can’t identify with that?  Especially in Hollywood.  

And this year, Oscar, don’t forget to keep your pimp hand strong!

—–

St. Petersburg Times:

A St. Petersburg Times investigation found their experiences were not unique. More than a dozen women said the culture in the Sea Org pushed them or women they knew to have abortions, in many cases, abortions they did not want.

Some said colleagues and supervisors pressured them to abort their pregnancies and remain productive workers without the distraction of raising children. Terminating a pregnancy and staying on the job affirmed one’s commitment to the all-important work of saving the planet.

“You just have a way of thinking,” said Sunny Pereira, who was 15 when she entered the order. ”It all has to do with the Sea Org and what we’re trying to accomplish. Everything that is a distraction is scorned.”

According to those speaking out, women who didn’t schedule abortions were shunned by fellow Sea Org members, called “degraded beings” and taunted for being “out ethics,” straying from the order’s ethical code.

Some were isolated, assigned manual labor and interrogated until they agreed to abortions, said church defectors, including men whose wives got abortions.

The church denied all their accounts.

Full story here.

Internet hoaxes that look too good to be true usually are. Over the weekend, a leaked resignation letter written by director Paul Haggis spilling all kinds of dirt about the Church of Scientology hit the web and looked way too good to be true. But now that New York Magazine and the Hollywood Reporter have picked it up….

After 35 years as a member of the Church of Scientology, Paul Haggis is calling it quits. In a badass letter to Scientology’s national spokesman Tommy Davis (who hates Martin Bashir), the filmmaker lays out the reasons why.

It all started when a San Diego church publicly supported Prop 8. Haggis asked Davis to denounce its actions but Davis never went through with it. Then the already-pissed Haggis read an interview in which Davis denied Scientology’s practice of “disconnection” (forcing members to cut off communication with loved ones who oppose Scientology). But Haggis knew disconnection first-hand. His wife was forced to cut ties with her parents.

Choice snips from the Haggis letter:

As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us. …

The fact that the Mormon Church drew all the fire, that no one noticed, doesn’t matter. I noticed. And I felt sick. I wondered how the church could, in good conscience, through the action of a few and then the inaction of its leadership, support a bill that strips a group of its civil rights.

This was my state of mind when I was online doing research and chanced upon an interview clip with you on CNN. The interview lasted maybe ten minutes – it was just you and the newscaster. And in it I saw you deny the church’s policy of disconnection. You said straight-out there was no such policy, that it did not exist.

I was shocked. We all know this policy exists. I didn’t have to search for verification – I didn’t have to look any further than my own home.

You might recall that my wife was ordered to disconnect from her parents because of something absolutely trivial they supposedly did twenty-five years ago when they resigned from the church. This is a lovely retired couple, never said a negative word about Scientology to me or anyone else I know – hardly raving maniacs or enemies of the church. In fact it was they who introduced my wife to Scientology.

You read the full letter here.

And if you’re Tom Cruise, that means you are not only qualified to advise women on how to deal with postpartum depression, but you are also qualified to act as marriage counselor.

That’s right – Tom “Couch Commando” Cruise is, out of the goodness of his heart, David and Victoria Beckham’s new “relationship guru” – because you know with all of their money, they can’t afford a certified therapist:

After an evening with David, Tom decided to have a friendly chat with Victoria about the family’s future, saying it was because he cared so much about all of them,” revealed a source.

“They love each other dearly but Tom is a big believer in talking about issues . He could see they were both worried about the future and what it might hold.”

The Mission Impossible actor is understood to be concerned that the former Spice Girl – who runs a successful fashion empire from her home in the US – will want to stay in Los Angeles while her husband, 35, heads back to Europe.

“He talked to her about David ageing, his football career, the pressures of disgruntled fans, his loneliness when away from the family and how time apart is how marriages can fall apart,” adds the source.

That’s kind of creepy. Tom Cruise giving marriage advice? The man whose current wife is on such a tight leash she can’t even go to work without him there, watching her every move? The same man who, according to reports, rarely lets ex-wife Nicole Kidman see the children they adopted when they were married? The guy whose first wife, Mimi Rogers, reportedly split with him because he was seriously thinking of becoming a monk and felt he had to remain celibate?

Wow, that’s the man I want giving me marriage advice, for sure.

But Cruise is more than just a good friend; he’s a big cheese in the strange world of Scientology and is given credit for the “conversions” of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett. He’s also planning a big recruitment drive while he accompanies Katie on a four-month movie shoot in Australia, which begins this month. (There he goes again, not allowing Katie out of his sight. What, is he afraid she might find someone her own age?)

Remember the Scientology recruiting video starring Cruise, where he claims that Scientologists have “the ability to create new and better realities and improved conditions”? Is this the guy you’d really want giving you advice on anything, let alone how to keep your marriage together?

Run, David and Victoria, run…before it’s too late.

Congratulations on the fine work you did with the recent Hollywood hoopla thing.  What are those golden statues called again…Arthurs?  Oscars?  Ollivers?  No matter.  The fine art of idolatry is becoming your forte, my dear nephew.  With the powers of a willing media and the brilliance of commercialism prevalent, it’s no wonder the masses turn to your town for direction and meaning.  I chuckle with delight to see how real meaning and substance is more and more becoming passé, and overlooked for the sizzle and bling of the ephemeral.  You make your uncle proud to see that you are once again the year’s big producer for thirty years running…and gaining even more new customers every month.

Your work on the special interest groups is particularly impressive.  You are keenly aware that, pound for pound of effort, this is where we gain the most purchase in our clawing scramble over the human psyche.  Continue to stress their inherent oppression and victimization, so that our aims may be met.  Nothing makes a poor soul feel more empowered than believing itself to be a part of a large, aggrieved and neglected group.  Build on their individual sense of outrage and anger, along with their helpless sense of futility.  Remind them that they are being victimized, and must demand their rights!  I know you are laughing right now, as am I.  But drive the seriousness of their indignant and violated pride, and demand restitution for the wrongs perpetrated upon them.  (As for the specific nature of these ‘wrongs’, either real or imagined, simply fill in the blank; a group is a group, and we can use any and all of them for our purposes.) And good that you can work the golden idols into so many hands that help legitimize our work. That Penn character is an excellent poster boy.  In fact, increase the irreverence, step up the hatred of our Enemy and brighten the public celebration of him, as his flippant outrageousness masquerades as gravitas.    We can trade on his magnetic popularity, and draw the proverbial moth to the flame.  Continue your brilliant work in framing his disrespect and hatred of Judeo-Christian ethics and traditional values as hip and ‘progressive’.   

I’m laughing again too, my dear nephew, as one muses upon what it is exactly that they are progressing towards.   I join you in salivating over the exquisite moment of discovery as the poor scums awaken to the wretched fate that awaits them.  

In fact, I must commend you in the highest for your skillful sleight-of-hand with regards to the English language.  The catch-phrase taken to high art.  Love those words, and all like it: Hope…Change…Believe….that you have artfully injected into the American lexicon.  And my favorite, ‘Economic Justice’.  Oh, my heart swells with pride over the millions of souls now residing with us, all brought in with that simple, sweet fabrication.   Your dazzling virtuosity at somehow applying honor and dignity to a base concept previously held by murderers and highwaymen has enthralled all of us on the Lower Council.  You’ve done your uncle proud.  Keep it up, as it affects my reputation if you falter.  And trust me, you wouldn’t want that. 

At the endless award shows in your town, I commend you that fewer and fewer award winners are thanking the Enemy for their success.   Your relentless work at making that whole thing appear as a ‘fad’ is paying off.  Fads come into fashion, and they leave just as quickly.  Religion as a fad is one of our greatest tricks, and you seem to be a master at the joystick. 

So kudo’s on your work in Hollywood. And even better, your push on bringing Islam to popularity amongst the minorities is noteworthy.  This is where you should throw most of your energies, as this movement has the greatest possibility of bearing much fruit in the near term.  Placing it on a parity with Christianity is brilliant;  as to the latter, we must be stalwart and obsessive in our drive to make it seem like ‘just another religion’…and it’s center point as ‘just another great prophet’.   Remove the deity and relegate him to just another man with some pretty good ideas.  Like Buddha, and Mohammad and Gandhi and Moses.  I like your innovation in that Kabbalah thing, and the celebrities’ devotion and publicizing.  Let it be seen as the ‘fun’ religion, like (as one comedienne was quoted) a cross between Judaism…and magic!    

And Scientology…well done!  However I fear you’ve let that fall into disrepute of late.  Watch that, as it had been rendering wonderful results.  I would pump up its respectability and emphasize the powerful successes of human achievement and empowerment.  (I mean, it has Cruise and Travolta, how bad could it be?) 

Continue to frame Muslims worldwide as victims, and let that drive their noble respectability.  See how they suffer, and yet their devotion allows them to struggle onward.  Pump the ‘unity’ factor to appeal to more Blacks in America.  Bring Farrakhan back into prominence; see if you can get that new president to hasten that.  Pull in some favors in the Hollywood community; you know Oprah’s good for it. 

In Hollywood, continue to slam the image of our Enemy.  His forbearance must be taken as weakness and ineffectuality.   Even better, as a sign that He isn’t there at all.  A ghost, a phantom, just some dreamed-up apparition of fantasy.  This is our ultimate hope – actualizing a prevalent accepted belief that both His world…and ours…are merely childish inventions of superstitious mystics and cretins; and have no place in the evolved ‘progressive’ world of material technology.

Our master’s flag is firmly planted atop the American media.  With our endless cultural seductions, and our more than willing political and media accomplices, we will drive the Enemy out of that country and out of the world.  Soon it won’t even be a memory…but a bad joke.  A punch line.  Like saying grace before a meal, or a nighttime prayer, the practitioners of such practices will be seen as demented…weak…deluded.  Simpletons who shun reality for fruitless conversations with their invisible and ‘imaginary friend’.  Run this theme around Hollywood enough and it will be the subject of the next Academy-Awarded film.

But most importantly, my dear nephew, congratulations on the wonderful work you are doing in the hearts of the filmmakers themselves.  The themes they are aggrandizing are truly inspired.  Infidelity, murder, incest…yes, all good themes, and our ‘marquis players’…but the new ones you are instilling – masterful.  Child rape.  Torture and sadism.  Psychological torment beyond my wildest dreams!  Oh, nephew, you should see your proud uncle beaming at your inventive resourcefulness.  Our little creatures celebrate such fare with nearly the same gushing gusto as we do.  Little do they know by repeatedly immersing themselves into the Great Darkness they grow closer and closer to it, to us…and eventually are absorbed by it.  Oh!  My heart sings for their painful future…and my laughter is gurgling up from my bowels, as I contemplate our inevitable union and the surprised looks on their poor pathetic little faces as it’s all over and they realize that their new home for eternity…is with us in the Great Black Void. 

Sorry for the delay in sending this, but I was so overcome with rapture that I had to lie down for several days just to calm myself.   But now I’m back, and I must tell you something sincerely…

Your mighty work, done in the interstitial spaces of time and matter, or what the little creatures call ‘the spiritual realm’… is indeed becoming epic.  The inroads you are carving into the society of creatures are staggering.  And you make it seems so easy!   The so called ‘pop culture’ is literally dismantling all the horrid goodness the Enemy has constructed almost faster than we can keep up to facilitate it!  It’s like a runaway train on steroids!  Oh the utter sad and sick, demented joy of it, my nephew…

I have heard that you are in line for promotion to the Supreme Sepulcher of Elders; for the rumors are that the things you are accomplishing down here in the movie capitol of the world…are the things of legend.  Our Dark Father has hinted at great things to come for you…and more importantly, for me.  For you wouldn’t be where you are if it wasn’t for my urging and discipling and counseling.  So don’t think for one second that you will descend without me, you ungrateful bastard, or I’ll cut off your pathetic little… 

Dear me, I apologize, I get so worked up when I muse about such things.  I have the utmost confidence you’ll take my best interests to heart, my dear nephew. 

Or else.

Your affectionate uncle, NEWSRAPE

HBO, of course, apologized for offending Mormons but defended its use of the ceremony because its depiction is “critical” to the show’s story line. Ah, the quintessential non-apology apology, used frequently by politicians: We’re sorry if we offended anyone, but we’re not going to do anything that will actually rectify the situation. Be sure to tune in, though, and boost our ratings!

What I’m more interested in learning, though, is if there are any shows or movies in the works about the “sacred” rite of female genital mutilation – more kindly known as female circumcision – or “honor killings” in Islam. I’d even settle for a program that just depicts a polygamous Muslim family living somewhere in rural America.

I’ll wait. I have plenty of time.

Back in 1997, Law and Order aired an episode about an American man, married to an Egyptian immigrant, who murders the doctor brought over from Egypt by his wife’s family to perform female circumcision on his daughter. That was before 9/11, however, and since then it’s become politically incorrect to say anything unflattering about Islam or Muslims, no matter what the context.

Note that the Church of Latter Day Saints outlawed polygamy back in 1890 while Islam, to my knowledge, has not. Americans were horrified when a rogue Mormon sect not sanctified by the church was discovered in rural Texas and hundreds of children were removed as authorities investigated allegations of abuse and the forced marriage of teen girls to much older men.

But just this week, ABC’s Good Morning America focused on Daad Abdul Rahamn, a Muslim in Dubai, who is getting closer to his goal of fathering 100 children. He’s only supposed to have four wives at a time, but “he has had 17 and is looking for more.” Diane Sawyer practically swooned in wonderment. (Maybe she’s thinking of applying to be the next Mrs. Rahamn?) But perhaps this case is different because the local sheikh approves and Rahamn is not ashamed to accept the sheikh’s handouts to help finance his growing family. Liberals love socialism in any shape or form.

And yes, I know Good Morning America is officially under ABC’s news division, but how many people actually watch it for its contributions to serious news?

Remember when South Park aired its now-infamous Scientology episode that not only skewered top dog Scientologist Tom Cruise but the depicted the “sacred beliefs” of the religion started by second-rate science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard and followed by a growing number of Hollywood glitterati? Comedy Central pulled the episode from its initial rerun schedule because of pressure from Cruise, although it did end up rerunning it later in the season. But that wasn’t the only fallout. The late Isaac Hayes, who voiced the character Chef and was a Scientologist, quit the show in protest of its “intolerance and bigotry towards religious rights of others.” Show co-creator Matt Stone responded by saying Hayes had “no problem – and he’s cashed plenty of checks – with our show making fun of Christians.”

I guess it doesn’t pay to annoy the wrong people.

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the leftist entertainment industry has no qualms about airing what is supposed to be a sacred Mormon ritual on television because Mormons are not on the list of protected victim groups. Don’t believe me? Remember what Mitt Romney had to endure during the last presidential election regarding his religion. I’m not suggesting that production companies avoid producing entertainment that negatively focuses on a particular religion because its followers might be offended. However, I am offended by the double standard that means certain groups are considered fair game while others are left alone in the name of “multicultural sensitivity.”

Mr. Ebner is one of the few writers left today willing to get down in the gutter with his subjects just to hear their truth. In his new book Six Degrees of Paris Hilton, Mr. Ebner takes you to the places they never show you on “Access Hollywood,” because if the general public could access the side of Hollywood Mr. Ebner uncovers, that tub of popcorn in your lap at the multiplex would serve only one purpose, that of a barf bucket.

I recently had the chance to ask Mr. Ebner about his new book and what his thoughts on the state of Hollywood are today.

Tell me about your new book Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.

The book is currently cataloging on Amazon under Biography, Famous People, Pop Culture, True Crime and Criminology. That sounds schizophrenic, but not half as pathological as the real life characters in the book. Six Degrees is a non-fiction Hollywood crime book that reads like “true crime” – partially because of my prose, and partially because, well, it’s Hollywood.

What was the genesis of the book?

The book was born out of a feature story I did for the now-defunct Radar magazine about the home invasion, robbery/extortion caper perpetrated on embattled “Girls Gone Wild” impresario Joe Francis. Through an intermediary, Darnell Riley – the guy who put the gun to Francis’ head and videotaped a whirling marital aid riding the crest of his buttocks – sent me an e-mail message from prison objecting to me calling him “Dildo Dude” in a blog post on HollywoodInterrupted.com. I wrote him in prison, and he basically said, “Look – I’m not going to pull an O.J. here. It’s not ‘if I did It,’ it’s ‘I did it…and then some.’” The “then some” became Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.

Has Hollywood always been this seedy or has it gotten worse in the past ten years?

Hollywood has always been seedy and infected with interlopers preying on the rich and famous. But the new breed of con artists and shakedown specialists are more relentless, brazen and, in fact, stupid than they were in the past.

Do you feel Hollywood is worthy of the idol worship the general public lays upon it?

Sure they’re worthy of the worship because, when the idols inevitably fall the general public has the opportunity to feel better about themselves.

How has living in Hollywood and the culture of Hollywood affected you personally?

Don’t let my Facebook friend-count fool you – I can count my real friends on one hand. My life has been compartmentalized to the point of near total isolation from any normal sort of social life. I live out of a post office box in Santa Monica and lay my head down in a 1969 VW bus. I shower at the gym and will have armed security at my book signing on February 11. Other than all that, life is peachy. Honestly, I’ve been trying to write my way out of this sewer since I started two decades ago but Los Angeles, not New York, is really the naked city of eight million stories. Six Degrees of Paris Hilton is one of them.

Have you had any problems with safety since you’ve written this book, any confrontations?

I’ve been mad-dogged a few times by the punks I’ve written about, and lawyers have been baselessly threatening me right and left, but the harassment thus far hasn’t held a candle to the way the thugs in Scientology handle their critics.

[Ebner was one of the first journalists to expose Scientology on its own turf]

Has hardcore investigative journalism, the sort you do, been lost to pandering to the rich and famous?

Tabloid culture notwithstanding, long-form investigative journalism has been dying since the advent of the internet. There just aren’t many outlets left for great think-pieces, and until the web media brokers realize that their servers will be well-served running more than just news aggregation and news/gossip flashes, there will be a lot of journalistic talent withering on the unemployment line. Big Hollywood and the Daily Beast are both a start in the right direction. Ron Burkle is plotting something serious with all his recent media buyouts. It’s slow and frustrating, but I won’t declare investigative journalism dead until there’s no place left to negotiate upwards.

What do you want people will take away from reading your book?

I would love for my readers to take away an experience that they are compelled to share with others. I didn’t write the book to languish in the “criminology” section at some soon-to-be-shuttered Border’s.

Do you feel Hollywood can benefit from having other voices in the political spectrum heard, like what’s going on at Big Hollywood?

Hollywood players will pretend that Big Hollywood doesn’t exist while, at the same time, deriding it vocally at any given opportunity. The more Big Hollywood mocks the Hollywood entertainment industrial complex and calls the shiny townsfolk out on their bullshit, the more they will listen – especially when the criticism speaks to their bottom-line. Hollywood can learn from a conservative viewpoint. Isn’t that obvious already? Oh yeah – they’re still denying it.

How many degrees of separation are you from Paris Hilton?

I ran into Paris the other night at a party celebrating the cast and filmmakers of “Milk.” She said she was going to sue me, but scotched that idea out of concern that Darnell Riley (the criminal anti-hero of my book) would kill her. So, I guess that puts me at ground-zero degrees of separation.

If to get into heaven you had to bring with you one of the lost souls of Hollywood who would it be, and why?

Crispin Glover, because both of us getting on the list and through the gates would be, with apologies to Baudelaire and “Usual Suspects” scribe Christopher McQuarrie, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Ebner

Six Degrees of Paris Hilton will be in books stores Feb 3rd and is available now at Amazon.com

The conversation turns to Scientology. There had recently been a expose in Time magazine (and astute readers can now speculate on how long ago this was). “It’s a really evil institution,” I start, “Kind of a cross between the Mafia and Oral Roberts with just a dash of the Manson Family.”

The girl who had been getting all my attention chuckled condescendingly, “Well, I read that Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist, and I don’t think Kirstie Alley would belong to anything like that!”

Oh. There’s the flaw. She is stupid. (And probably a pre-clear TR-4).

Scientology has been dismissed and despised by most thinking individuals, but before we throw out the Thetan with the bath water, maybe we should look a little closer at Scientology Inc. Because this kind of marketing has been quite effective. By winning over celebrities, Scientology has been able to  gain a sizable following of Americans who look to the stars for guidance.

Scientology has a Celebrity Centre inside of Hollywood set up to pamper those stars. They have a staff of masseuses to rub the backs of actors while they’re waiting off-set for the next scene. In return, Scientology has many famous followers.

This kind of marketing  has come of age in the new century. Advertising people now go into high schools and encourage popular girls to use their lip gloss. They know the less popular girls will imitate them, hoping that the new lip gloss holds the secret to popularity. We will never know how many short men and chubby women became Scientologists just because they wanted to be the next Tom Cruise or Kirstie Alley.

The Democrats have done the same thing. Most actors have a desire to be taken seriously (beautiful people never want  to be known just for their pretty faces even though we aesthetically less gifted wouldn’t mind such notoriety).  Democrats have convinced celebrities they can gain intelligence by osmosis. Just by appearing onstage with Obama, or Al Gore, they too have advanced Ivy League degrees (even high school dropouts like Sean Penn or Martin Sheen). Democrats have given actors credibility. In return, the actors sell Democrat politics to the nation.

Oprah’s endorsement of Obama cannot be understated. If Oprah finds something she likes, millions of women will try it. The difference between a starving author, and a NY Times best seller is having Oprah read your book. It doesn’t even need to be the truth, it just has to appear that way. Both James Frey and Herman Rosenblat passed off works of fiction to Oprah as memoirs. There is speculation that Obama’s books were also fabricated by a third party. (Apparently Oprah likes to be lied to, which is probably why she is still engaged to straight man Steadman.)

There is no reason why our side’s politics shouldn’t appeal to Hollywood. We have something much more valuable to offer: genuine intellectualism. Our message of lower taxes and respect for the First Amendment hits Hollywood celebrities right square in the man-purse. And (if perhaps) some of the more conservative elements of our party listened to the supply-side arguments for drug legalization, we could win on that one, as well. Because despite the appearance of “tolerance,” Democrats do not want to legalize marijuana as much as they want to outlaw tobacco.

The difference between the parties is as vast as the difference between Scientology and traditional religions. While one religion massages celebrities and tells them they are heirs to a great galactic empire, the others tell them they are born of sin and must subjugate themselves under the glory of God. The Democrats tell celebrities they are the agents of change, while Bill O’Reilly screams at them for destroying American Culture. That has to stop.

It’s hard. I know it’s hard. Part of the secret of being able to survive in Hollywood is the ability to say with a straight face something completely inhuman, like: “I’ve always admired Morgan Fairchild’s work.” Or: “The second season of ‘Family Matters’ was clearly the best.” It’s not unlike being a good parent: you have to put all the art up on the refrigerator.

It’s how Al Gore does it. When Sheryl Crow says we need to limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper, or Leonardo DiCaprio tells us that Global Warming will cause human extinction, Al Gore admires their commitment and pats them on their tiny heads. Meanwhile, the girl I left standing at the bar so many years ago is probably an OT 5 today and driving a Prius with an Obama sticker.

*For information on some of my upcoming gigs check out: TimSlagle.com