So apparently Sarah Palin sold over three hundred thousand copies of her book in one day – and as you can guess – they were all purchased by racists.

At least, that’s what the sociology professors over at MSNBC Community College believe. Check out Hardball guest Norah O’Donnell, impersonating a talking puffin…

“This is a largely white — almost no minorities in this crowd. And they`re here because they love Sarah Palin. I think it`s an emotional connection, Chris because they feel, too, that they`ve been beat up on, whether it`s the economy or they feel like outcasts. They like the outsider, if you will, in Sarah Palin. And that`s why people have been willing to wait, 1,500 of them, since 7:00 AM this morning to just get a glimpse of Sarah Palin.”

So let me get this straight: people appreciate Palin because they’ve been picked on by a big bully. It makes me wonder if Norah ever psycho-analyzed Obama supporters this closely… or called them “largely black.”

But hey, I guess that’s better than calling them a tribe or something. Chris?

“I think there is a tribal aspect to this thing, in other words, white vs. other people. I think she is very smart about this. Here she is on the issue of — of what happened down at Fort Hood, obviously, an ethnic issue, as many people see it..”

So, imagine for a moment, if during an Obama rally, Matthews described it as “tribal.” How fast would he be fired, and then ending up on Oprah issuing a tearful apology?

Boogla moogla, I might say.

Which is Greg-lingo, for “pretty fast.”

But here’s the real issue: I used to think this race-baiting tactic was a political ploy. But now I believe they mean it. They do think that if you’re against the policies of Obama, you must be racist. And that’s because in their profession, they don’t know anyone who’s against the policies of Obama! Surrounded by like-minded lackeys, they’re convinced that everyone beyond the tinted windows of their black cars must be card-carrying members of the Aryan Book Club.

The real truth: Whether it’s Norah O’Donnell or Chris Matthews – they’re just too scared to question a black man over policy.

And that’s authentic bigotry.

But what can you expect from a bunch of white people?

And if you disagree with me, then you’re probably a racist.

Tonight, another great lineup!

Andrew W.K.

Steven Crowder

Kimberly Guilfoyle

my mom!

Still, every now and then some elitist hack with a degree from the right college and the proper connections gets a job at a failing weekly magazine and decides to take a shot at you and your profession, feeling they are qualified to judge this art form because they know how to laugh and talk. This is rarely if ever done with other art forms. Seriously folks, when is the last time you saw an article about actors who can’t act, dancers who can’t dance, painters who can’t paint or pointless “performance artists.” Yet, about every six months some “critic” declares a number of famous comics “not funny.”   

Ms. Sarah Ball of the soon defunct Newsweek is the latest to declare some great comics “not funny.” In her article she lists 12 acts and gives snarky put downs of their talents. I found it interesting that Ms. Ball’s list is mostly west coast, politically conservative/moderate comics. Apparently if you are from New York and ultra-liberal Ms. Ball finds you hilarious!

Topping her list is every elitist favorite comedy punching bag Larry the Cable Guy. Larry’s sin seems to be he is a little too lowbrow for Ms. Ball, whom I am sure worships at the altar of urinator Larry David, and christophobe Sarah Silverman. There are a couple of folks working at the top of the intellectual chart. When talking about Dane Cook (I admit, not my favorite) she heaps praise on Louis C.K. (a guy I happen to also enjoy) who also tends towards the scatological for his humor.

Here is another thing that annoys me worst than Barney Frank, several times Ms. Ball demeans comics for being less than original and yet in her writing she uses a number of “stock” lines, clichés and banal comments. She also works for a magazine which recently selected a cover picture of Sarah Palin that was borrowed from a shoot for another magazine and used without contextual reference.

Ms. Ball also apparently hasn’t seen some of the comics she lists in some time. For Emo Phillips she uses an outdated photo, (again Newsweek using a photo out of context!) and critiques the vocal and delivery style he was using in the 90’s. Artists grow and change Ms. Ball; you might want to catch Bob Goldthwaite sometime this century too!  Her total critique of Jeff Dunham is that he is a ventriloquist, a comedy form she declared “went out of vogue in the Eisenhower era.” So did unbiased journalism and accurate reporting, Ms. Ball, but I’ll save that for another blog. Ventriloquism is experiencing a great revival outside elitist circles with Ronn Lucas and Terry Fator being two of the top draws in Las Vegas. While Jay Johnson, Jeff Dunham and Dan Horn wow audiences across the country. It might do Ms. Ball good to get out of Manhattan once in awhile and see what us rubes are doing out here in Flyoverland.

There are a lot of comics who I don’t find funny but I realize that my taste in comedy is skewered by my values, faith, politics and a number of other factors. I would never declare Bill Maher “not funny.” Though I find his drug addled ramblings repulsive at times, I realize that a number of equally intelligent folks find him hysterical. I might say I find his humor “baffling” or call him an “alleged” comedian but to declare him “not funny” isn’t fair to Bill or his fans.

People like different things, that’s why they put numbers on horses at the track. I would expect an open and fair minded progressive person like Ms. Ball to be a little more…what’s that word? Tolerant!

–

Out of context, without all the cheap Palin and Palin-family bashing, as Lopez takes his snarky shot at the Governor’s “inexperience,” you’d swear he was talking about Barack Obama.

NewsBusters has more.

The actress tells The New York Times that her movie “Jennifer’s Body” tanked because “the movie is about a man-eating, cannibalistic lesbian cheerleader, and that pretty much eliminates middle America.”

Actually, Megan, that pretty much eliminates anyone with an ounce of taste. Here’s more on the movie’s plot via IMDB:

Nerdy, reserved bookworm Needy and arrogant, conceited cheerleader Jennifer are best friends, though they share little in common. They share even less in common when Jennifer mysteriously gains an appetite for human blood after a disastrous fire at a local bar. As Needy’s male classmates are steadily killed off in gruesome attacks, the young girl must uncover the truth behind her friend’s transformation and find a way to stop the bloodthirsty rampage before it reaches her own boyfriend Chip.

Oh my stars! This has Oscar and Golden Globe written all over it, and Middle American schlubs who shop at Walmart and enjoy a night out at Applebee’s couldn’t appreciate the delicate nuances of a man-eating, cannibalistic lesbian cheerleader? Well, that’s the hoi polloi for you.

A decent movie must have meat. Unfortunately in this one, it looks like Megan Fox ate it all.

I guess it didn’t occur to Megan, though, that gratuitously badmouthing many of the people who make your career possible isn’t exactly the best way to win fans apart from hormonally-charged young men. Here’s what she said about those same losers back in June, whilst Americans were breathlessly awaiting the cinematic triumph that rivaled “Gone with the Wind” called “Transformers 2″:

When asked how she would stop the ruthless Megatron from demolishing the world, Fox first said that she would “barter with him.” She then, however, went on to say, “… and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?”

Yep, there’s nothing like talking smack about a large portion of the movie-going audience, who work hard for the money that goes toward those $10 movie tickets. Remember, “artists” like Megan exist on a much higher plane than you and me, so they don’t have to worry about things like getting “value for your money” and can therefore spend a lot of time belittling the social mores of the very communities from whence most of them came. Burn those bridges, baby!

She must not brag too much about being born and raised in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Sounds a bit too “down home,” if you know what I mean. The poor dear attended a Christian high school and at the ripe old age of 15 was not yet a feminist! Thankfully she escaped that horrible place and went to Hollywood, where being a celebrity means you can do anything you want as long as the words “moral” or “tasteful” aren’t attached to it.

In her rant about “Jennifer’s Body,” Fox also takes a swipe at all the jealous females out there:

And other women hate her because “women tear each other apart. Girls think I’m a slut, and I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 18. The problem is, if they think you’re attractive, you’re either stupid or a whore or a dumb whore. The instinct among girls is to attack the jugular.”

I agree that there is a tendency for women to “attack the jugular,” as Fox puts it, when they are feeling envious or threatened. (Sarah Palin might have a word or two to say about that.) However, an actress of Fox’s caliber can rest assured that most of the criticism leveled at her has less to do with her looks and more to do with her severe limitations as an actress. Meryl Streep she ain’t.

I wonder why she is worried about being labeled a slut, considering her own take on women in Hollywood:

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: You’ve only done a couple of movies, so you’re still mostly known as a sex symbol rather than an actress.

MEGAN FOX: It doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why someone would complain about that. That just means that the bar has been set pretty low. People don’t expect me to do anything that’s worth watching. So I can only be an overachiever. I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That’s what our purpose is in this business. You’re merchandised, you’re a product. You’re sold and it’s based on sex. But that’s okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded.

So if other women think you’re a slut, Megan, remember: you should feel empowered, not degraded or insulted, by the label.

Reviews on “Jennifer’s Body” linked over at Rotten Tomatoes were mixed. Here’s part of one that caught my eye:

Jennifer is dead-eyed and impassive, but a good actress might yet have played her in a lively, knowing way. Fox’s dead-eyed impassiveness seems all too much her own.

Sorry, Megan, that wasn’t written by a Middle American or a woman, but a Brit named Edward Porter. Will the inhabitants of the UK be next on your list of people to insult?

But what do I know? As a female who isn’t a particular fan, it’s obviously because I’m jealous of her fabulous body and big-time Hollywood career. I must be one of those know-nothing Middle Americans.

See you at Applebee’s.

Like millions of other Americans I have been caught up in the Facebook/social networking craze. I believe that Facebook is like a near-death experience except your life passes before your eyes one friend request at a time. I have  been trying to “friend” a lot of people in the news, without much success. There’s been no acceptance of my friend requests from President Obama, Dede Scozzafava, Jeremiah Wright and a host of others. So in order to reach them with some timely advice I am posting some comments here. If you are on their Facebook friend list maybe you could pass them along. 

@ Dede Scozzafava – When you try to stand in the middle of the road you get run over. Thanks for showing where you stand when the heat was on. Go stand in the “has-been” line behind Arlen Specter.

@ Barack Obama - Mr. President, if the trip to Dover wasn’t a photo-op or political why take a photographer along?

@ John Boehner – Nice play backing the person in the NY 23rd who ended up supporting the Democrat.  It’s about values, not party, Mr. Speaker. BTW, let your office staff know I am still waiting for a reply to my two e-mails and phone calls.

@ Newt - See message to Boehner. I don’t know what your number is, but it is not 2012.

@ Jon Corzine - Monster.com or Career Builders. Too bad one of the jobs BHO “saved” wasn’t yours.

@ Kevin Jennings – If you really what to help the Prez- one word: Quit!

@Larry David – Picking on Christians is easy because they are forgiving. It’s not edgy because it has been done to death. If you want to go out on a limb pick on Muslims, you may like the Salman Rushdie lifestyle.

@ Trevor Keezer – You’re 23, you want to serve your country, enlist. You want to serve Christ, enter a seminary or volunteer at a soup kitchen. You want to work at Home Depot, do as you’re told.

@ Sarah Palin – Well done being ahead of the curve in the NY 23rd. Let’s hope folks remember who started this thing in 2012.

@ David Axelrod – Pick a date for- Action in Afghanistan, don’t ask, Gitmo, when you are responsible for the economy and when you stop blaming Bush.

@ Fred Thompson – You are not the evil Spock, please shave! 

Use the comments to add your own Facebook message to the news-maker of your choice.

(Applause. The air is titillating.  The mood rambunctious.  The atmosphere tense.  Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”) 

Joy:  Hello, Victoria.  So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria:  Oh, well… 

Joy:  I suppose you like Sarah Palin!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.) 

Victoria:  Oh, well, I love her, she is so… 

Joy:  She is so dumb!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.) 

Victoria:  No, I don’t think that… 

Joy:  Just like George Bush.  He was an idiot!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.) 

Victoria:  Oh, no…he protected… 

Joy:  Ha, ha!  So, I suppose you aren’t a big fan of President Obama! 

Victoria:  Uh, …Tort Reform. 

Joy:  Because he is so charismatic, and well spoken and sexy… 

Victoria:  Tort Reform?! 

Joy:  And his wife’s arms!!  So you don’t like his Health Care Plan because you are a racist?! 

Victoria:  Tort Reform. 

Joy:  See?  You are.  You didn’t vote for him, did you?! 

Victoria: Um… huge tax increase, insured illegals, rationed and low quality health care, lack of doctors, tax funded abortions, collapse of the middle class, death of freedom,  Cap ‘n Trade/Tax – Bad, Marxist agenda… 

Joy: You don’t just play a ditz on TV!  You are a ditz!  We’ll be right back after this commercial. 

(Hair and Makeup come to the set and tidy up the middle aged faces.) 

Joy:  So, we’re back with Victoria who does not have a show, and I do!  So…why do you hate Obama?! 

Victoria:  Well, I don’t hate anyone, I’m just concerned about our country becoming… 

Joy:  He is such a good speaker! 

Victoria:  … Communist.  Van Jones was not an accident.  The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children.  Socialized medicine does not work… 

Joy:  (To camera) You see?  I can’t even have one conservative on my show until they start yelling, and cursing, and bitching!  What is it with you people?!  You are so full of HATE!  Remind me, never to have these stupid A–holes on my show again!  (To producer off stage)  Get me Janeane Garofalo!  She is a genius!  Jesus! 

Victoria:  How can you take Jesus’ name in vain if you are Catholic?

 Joy:  What?  Oi Vey!  I’m not even Jewish!  I’m gonna puke!  Take me to a commercial!  Save me! 

(Applause and fade to commercial)

–

Levi is the Kevin Federline of American politics, a good-looking, not-too-bright guy catching a break by impregnating a rising star, or at least one’s daughter, then basking in the reflected glow.  When things went south with Bristol Palin, he found, in a mainstream media eager for anything that might derail the Sarah Palin express, an opportunity to go farther than he ever thought he could.  Movies, modeling, memoirs – anything was possible, they assured him.  Just tell us what we want to hear, Levi – the good stuff, the juicy stuff, the stuff too good to fact check.  Oh, and hand over your dignity while you’re at it.

But Levi’s antics are about more than just manufacturing ammunition to fire at Governor Palin.  The minstrel shows of the past were calculated to demonstrate white superiority through the employment of the most degrading stereotypes and the ritualized humiliation of the African-American performers.  This shameful circus is no different.  Levi’s mindless brand of masculinity, his dropping out of high school, his troubled home life – these are all the hyper-exaggerated cultural touchstones the bicoastal liberal elite imagines define the rest of our country. 

Levi Johnston is what they want to see when they look at Middle America.  They don’t want to see the young heroes like Track Palin, an Iraqi Freedom vet.  They don’t want to see Americans whose commitment to a better world is manifested by their putting their lives on the line instead of pasting a “Hope & Change” bumpersticker to the back of their Prius.  They want – and need – clowns, and Levi is only too happy to oblige them.

Most young people today, looking on the things they did in their youth, will have only an ill-considered tattoo to regret.  But Levi’s kid needs him, yet Daddy is busy far away performing like a court jester for people who will slam the door on him the second he stops being useful. 

Can he really be so dumb as to think they actually care about him?  Does he really expect to get a call from Kathy Griffin to accompany her to next year’s Teen Choice Awards?  He’s like the nerd in one of those high school movies who the bad kids make-over as part of a bet – except there’s no happy ending here unless Levi comes to realize that this is all a big joke to them and he’s the punch line.

Despite the fervent desire of some, like the bloggers at the circulation whirlpool called Newsweek, that “as long as there is Palin, there’ll be Levi Johnston,” they have to concede that “Levi’s 15 minutes are almost up.”  Neither GQ nor Vanity Fair will be calling him back for another photo spread anytime soon.  Larry King and Tyra Banks have wrung him dry of slime.  He’s off CBS’s speed dial.  The Celebrity Dysfunction Complex has moved on.

His big achievement is a 19-second TV spot selling some obscure brand of pistachio nuts.  They don’t even let him talk.  He’s also going to go nude in Playgirl – providing fantasy fodder for lonely cougars and randy gay men.  Levi, pinch yourself cuz you’re living the dream.

But Levi is a symptom, not the disease.  Levi’s being a fool, and it’s sad to see him put a discount price tag on his dignity and his family.  Considering his background with a mother who is allegedly involved with drugs, one can see why he does these things, though a lot better folks came from a lot worse.  His background is an explanation, not an excuse. 

The ones exploiting him are the real villains.  People, even dumb ones, aren’t to be used up then discarded like garbage when you’re done with them.  Those pulling his strings ought to be ashamed of themselves, but they aren’t. This minstrel show is too delightful, too much fun, as it promulgates the most condescending stereotypes imaginable of those unworthy wretches living outside the bi-coastal elite bubble. 

And what of Levi?  He’s burned the one bridge that could lead him home to people who might actually still care about him when he finds himself on the wrong side of the velvet ropes again, when the only opportunities he has left are reality kickboxing matches with Vanilla Ice and bit parts in Skinemax epics about horny stewardesses.  He’s a father who, if he ever sees his son again, is going to have to answer one of the most brutal, heart-rending questions a child could ask:

“Why did you choose them over me, Daddy?”

Levi Johnston’s weakness of character will lead him to sorrow after those who are using him today have moved on to other victims.  It’s not too late to make amends – I suspect the Palins would forgive him if he sincerely asked them to - but he won’t do it.  He can’t.  He thinks the elite loves him.  He thinks he will never wear out his welcome.  So he will keep on dancing, playing the fool, the minstrel, for the transitory amusement of those who hold him in nothing but contempt.

Allow me to explain. I’m not from around these parts. I grew up in Scotland, spent a decade in Russia, and arrived in the US three years ago. As something of a night owl I soon found myself confronted with America’s strange, televisual dream-world of nocturnal gibberish, and the even more perplexing national obsession with the personalities, rivalries and ratings battles that played out between the competing purveyors of this gibberish. The big one of course was Leno vs. Letterman, but who could forget the death struggle for comedic dominance between Conan and Craig Ferguson? Then there was the mystery of Jimmy Kimmel, floating around like some moth that had lost sight of the moon, detached from these wars as if no one expected him to succeed anyway. And lurking in the deep, deep darkness was the awful horror that is Carson Daly: charmless, entirely unfunny and visibly drowning in his own misery. 

What was most striking about these shows however was that they were all crap: boring, repetitious, filled with padding, and containing an endless stream of plugs for films and CDs delivered by sublimely tedious celebrities. I couldn’t understand why there were so many of these chat shows, why anybody watched them, or why — with so many writers — the hosts were at best only ever mildly amusing, and intermittently at that. Most of all I couldn’t understand the cult of David Letterman. 

Now I’d heard of Letterman long before I arrived stateside. Back in the late 80s/early 90s a UK chat show host named Jonathan Ross was accused of ripping off Letterman’s format for his own late night broadcast. It didn’t harm him — Ross is still going strong, paid millions by the UK taxpayer to periodically offend the nation, and his show is currently broadcast on BBC America. I also have vague recollections of Letterman actually taping his show in London in the early 90s. This was considered an event and was broadcast on British TV; I switched off after about ten minutes. In fact, the influence of American culture on Britain is such that the legendary battle between Leno and Letterman for the throne of Johnny Carson was reported in our papers, even though we couldn’t watch the shows in question on our TVs. Why we were supposed to care I am not sure; after all, how many Americans are interested in the ratings battle between “Coronation Street” and “EastEnders“?

Arriving in the states, however, I kept hearing the name: Letterman, Letterman. So I decided to give his show another stab. But every time I tried to sit through an episode this is what I saw: a smug, lazy old bore, seething with suppressed rage and bitterness. The bitterness was intriguing: it always is when you see it in highly successful people, such as Letterman’s equally over-rated comrade in entertainment, the legendary Paul McCartney. In McCartney I understand it, however: he’s jealous of Lennon, who everyone knows was the greater talent in the partnership. But what’s eating Letterman? Is he still angry about Leno? Or is it that he’s filled with contempt for what he does, considering himself above the whole chat show schtick? Who knows? Who cares?  Even when he caused outrage with his comments about Sarah Palin’s daughter I was more shocked by how complacent, how lazy he was. With an army of paid writers, this is the best he can come up with? 

Lord knows I tried to understand Letterman, to grasp his place in the entertainment fundament. I heard he was ‘good in the 80s’ and thought that perhaps the cult of Letterman was like the cult of Iggy Pop (five good records, the last one recorded over 30 years ago) or Dennis Hopper (”Easy Rider,” “Blue Velvet,” then nothing) both of whom retained goodwill from a rabid fan following on the basis of long faded achievements. One lunchtime I even watched half a Biography channel special, hoping it would help me appreciate Dave’s illustrious past. There was something about an alka- seltzer suit in there, I recall. But to tell the truth I was more interested in the story of his relationship with his former head writer, Merrill Markoe, who apparently created many of the popular spots on his show. Even the soft-soap bio-channel approach made it look like he’d treated her badly. 

Anyway, even with this blackmail scandal, I still can’t muster much enthusiasm for David Letterman: I’m more into the Jon and Kate meltdown, to be honest. Thus I am forced to conclude that perhaps Letterman is one of those aspects of American culture that just don’t translate for a foreigner. You need to have been born here for him to make sense, to have been steeped in the legend of Ed Sullivan, of Johnny Carson, to have been raised in the ancient mysteries of late night chat show nostalgia. Letterman is for the natives, like Root Beer or Beef Jerky. 

Except I quite like Beef Jerky.

In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: President Obama, Russia, Missile Defense, Iran, Liberal Media, Sarah Palin, NPR, Michael Moore, Barbie Movie, Anderson Cooper, and Kelly Osbourne.