In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: Republicans, Democrats, Jobless Americans, Texas Governor Rick Perry, Fidel Castro, President Obama Poster, Al Gore, Current TV, Sammy Sosa, Lamar Odom, and Khloe Kardashian.

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In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: Republicans, George W. Bush, CNN, Latino Employees, John Podesta, Marijuana, Snoop Dogg, Babies, Soul Train Awards, and Natalie Portman.

We all pretty much know that most Democrats can’t be trusted and that’s reflected in this marriage poll. It’s not that Democrat women are ugly, because we’ve seen too many cute ones out there. The men aren’t hideous either, unless you think a soft, effeminate man hen-pecked his whole life by his domineering mother is hideous. The main reason people don’t get married is out of a fear of divorce– a fear of a breaking of vows. And Democrats talk with their feet when it comes to making commitments with those who philosophically have no grounding to keep any commitment. Did Obama shut down Gitmo? Will he get health reform finished before August recess? Is he going to cut taxes for most Americans?

I go to dinner with a bunch of Hollywood Republicans every month or so and I’ll tell you one thing, the women are easy on the eyes, none more conservative or good looking than my Beloved. Republican women are happy, they don’t mope around like victims or screech about how terrible men are for being men. The men at these get-togethers are happier and generally sport less hair product. Married men are polled to have more sex and more satisfying sex than singles so Republican men have another great quality over their unmarried Democrat counterparts.

Marriage works better for Republicans because how long can a relationship last when victimhood and class struggle are the stock and trade of the household? Every married couple will champion the virtues of personal responsibility which is alien to the donkey platform.

Finally, what Democrat needs a spouse when the government is the head of the house? The federal open wallet makes for a provider of food, housing, education and PBS without all that pesky back hair.

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Note: People have been demanding that Zo and I team up for a while now.  We listened, and he was nice enough to grace the screen in the latest video.  As it turns out, he’s a great guy.  He smells a bit funny, but is a really swell chap!

More than a few have proffered that the problem with the Republican Party is that it has moved too far from the political center and given too much sway to the fringe right. They hold that in order to survive and become vibrant again the Grand Old Party must jettison (or at least silence) the far right and must begin appealing to the moderate wing of the party. In other words the party must become even more like Democrats. I suspect this brilliant advice was dreamed up by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid while doing shots of Tequila in some smart bar in Georgetown. They never dreamed Republicans would be so daft as to actually consider it.

Giving voice to a version of this madness, former Secretary of State Colin Powell, spoke to a group of corporate security executives and warned that the ills of the party could be traced to the repeating of the far right mantra. Powell went on to say, “Americans do want to pay taxes for services,” he continued, “Americans are looking for more government in their life, not less.”

With all due respect to the general, I beg to differ. I have never heard anyone bemoan the fact that their tax burden is not heavy enough. Americans don’t want to pay more taxes they want other people to pay more taxes. And this is the problem with the generals’ prescription. “Americans” are prone to want many things. However, what people want is not the pertinent question. The issue is–do the people have a right to those things they want and, assuming that they do, is government the best vehicle for meeting those wants. This has and I suspect will always be the primary bold letter demarcation between conservative thinking and that of new liberals. Conservative principles hold that the purpose of government is to protect liberty; that the purpose of law is justice and that the free market is more effective in the allocation of scarce resources. New Liberals on the other hand accept as true that rights flow from the state; that the purpose of government is the distribution of equality and that a bureaucracy made up of really really smart people is better than the free market at dispensing goods and services(to say nothing of virtue).

But I digress.

Just so we are clear: When Powell and others looking misty-eyed to the center talk about the conservative tilt to the party and the party fringe they are not only pointing the finger at tax cutting Republicans, but social conservatives that oppose abortion and homosexual marriage as well.

Of course the issue of homosexual marriage was not thrust upon the American people by the far right. It was the far left that took it upon themselves to remake society’s oldest social institution and normalize homosexuality in our society. When the people were unwilling they were demonized and the issue suddenly became a “wedge issue.” Abortion too is no more a wedge than any other issue. Indeed the question of the sanctity of life goes to the very heart of our understanding of rights and the purpose of government. You can be certain that a government that will not secure the right to life cares not one whit about your liberty or your property.

This blaming of the fringe might hold more sway if Republicans had been booted from power because they were too socially conservative. The truth, however, is quite different. It was not the opposition to abortion or homosexual marriage that pushed republicans from power. Rather it was the Republican failure to articulate a sensible fiscal policy beyond the oxymoron of big government conservatism. The party was shown the door because they promised smaller government and delivered both larger government and larger deficits; they promised free markets and instead protected corporate interests, they promised reform and delivered lip service. In other words the culprit was the rejection of conservative principles in favor of new liberalism.

The Republican Party will not be revived by compromising core principles. If limited government, free markets, personal freedom, American exceptionalism and traditional values are principles republicans can no longer stand up and fight for there can be no resurgence of the party – no resuscitation. The epitaph has already been written.

Joseph C. Phillips is the author of “He Talk Like a White Boy” available wherever books are sold.

Well, I for one will not cower.  The Lord is my shepherd, and I will fear no evil.  In fact, if given the chance, I will gladly shake hands with evil, apologize to it for the arrogance of my countrymen, and send them a billions dollars, as long as they are not the true anti-Christs – Christians.  But even them I do not fear, for so long as Pop-Culture is for me, who can stand against me?  So be of good cheer, Janeane, I will carry your cross.  I will continue to proclaim your holy teaching.  Once and for all, I hereby declare: 

“It is evident that the frontal lobe of the Negro brain is smaller than the frontal lobe of the Caucasian brain!“

Wait, that can’t be right.  That almost sounded… racist, and I absolutely, categorically denounce racism in all of its forms.  Which is why I just hate white people and think that black people need lower standards in order to achieve success in the world. 

Ah, here is the problem, I accidentally read the wrong report.  This is not what St. Janeane said at all.  This is a preposterous paper published in the American Journal of Anatomy in 1906 by Mr. Robert Bennett Bean, a sinister racist who attempted to use false, contrived scientific research to further a backward political agenda.  I know, I know…  Yes, it is one of the ten commandments of the religion of this age, but not when it is used to breed intolerance of a large, Democratic voting constituency, only when it is used to justify confiscatory tithing requirements from rich polluters or to promote our Lord’s views on homosexuality.  No one ever said that theology was an easy study my friends.  Let us read on.

Well, this is interesting.  Apparently this Mr. Bean went on to further insult members of our base.  He says here:

“The Caucasian-more particularly the Anglo-Saxon, which was derived from the Primitives of Europe, is dominant and domineering, and possessed primarily with determination, will power, self-control, self-government, and all the attributes of the subjective self, with a high development of the ethical and aesthetic faculties. The Negro is in direct contrast by reason of a certain lack of these powers, and a great development of the objective qualities. The Negro is primarily affectionate, immensely emotional, then sensual and under stimulation passionate. There is love of ostentation, of outward show, of approbation; there is love of music, and capacity for melodious articulation ; there is undeveloped artistic power and taste-Negroes make good artisans, handicraftsmen-and there is instability of character incident to lack of self-control, especially in connection with the sexual relation; and there is lack of orientation, or recognition of position and condition of self and environment, evidenced by a peculiar bumptiousness, so called, that is particularly noticeable…

He later says, “It may be practicable to rectify the error and remove a menace to our prosperity – a large electorate without brains.”

Jimmy H. Carter, save us all.  What hateful filth.  How could a person say such a thing?  And even worse, how could such bile be published and unchallenged, even a hundred years ago when people were less enlightened and Democrats were running the Ku Klux Klan?  He wants to deny an entire group of people the vote?  I must avert mine eyes and return to my study of St. Janeane’s preaching lest I be overtaken by logic.  Ah, here we are.  More beautiful words from our sister in Culture, these from one year past:

“The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a Republican…”

“It really is neuroscience. I truly believe that it has something to do with their limbic brain. I really believe that some people’s limbic brain dominates more than others. Our limbic brain controls all our emotions and it causes us to be irrational. Our limbic brain goes into action when we’re ecstatic, frightened, when we’re having sex. I really believe that if a neuroscientist examined the brain of somebody who identified as a conservative, they would find it’s wired differently.”

Well, that is interesting.  St. Janeane and Robert Bean seem to be saying the same thing, just about different…  HOLY MICHELLE, WIFE OF THE MESSIAH, do you know what this means?  The Lord works in mysterious ways!  I believe, my children, that Mr. Bean may have been correct, he was only confused by his antiquated cultural bias into identifying the wrong lower-category of people!  He may even have been a great, but misguided prophet, for surely the Spirit of my God, Pop-Culture, which of course is eternal, was at work even in 1906, and could have been speaking through this bewildered man as through the jawbone of an ass, for every word of this is true.  Just not the facts.  Could it be that the brains Mr. Bean was chopping up in his lab to prove his wretched point were not Negro, er, African American brains at all?  Could they have been… Conservatives!?!

It must be true.  There is simply no other possibility.  Of course, some of you might say that Mistress Janeane, and Mr. Bean before her, are nothing more than bigoted hatemongerers seeking to advance their own perverted views through the invocation of facts that are simply not true, but that is because you are young in your faith.  You see, Janeane is a champion of the one-true God, a priestess of the Most High, and as such, she is immune from such charge of fallacy.  Put simply, as a mouthpiece of the God of this Age, a vicar of the Holy One, she simply cannot be wrong.  To doubt the infallibility of the priesthood would be to doubt the truth of the Gospel of Pop-Culture itself, and where would that leave us?  Without our faith in the collective sense of what is cool, hip, true, and acceptable, where would we be?  We might have to work hard, learn something, or, dare I even utter it, reconsider that reprehensible Father of Hate, Jesus Christ with His judgmental, narrow-minded dying for the sins of mankind and offering eternal life through grace and love shtick.  May it never be!  Which only leaves one logical option, Bean was right, he just didn’t understand the wisdom entrusted to him.  Crisis of faith averted.

And you see, my beautiful ones, this is why we are better than them.  We are capable of dealing with truly complex theological paradoxes like how to look down on entire categories of humanity and still identify ourselves as tolerant, and they are sex-craving, small-brained, ill-adjusted sub-humans who should only exist to serve us and should by no-means be allowed to vote.  Thank you, oh Culture, for once again opening the eyes of thine children to your ways.  Amen.

For instance, in Afghanistan, the farmers recently called for a meeting with U.S. Marines in order to alert them to the fact that they will be in their fields at night harvesting opium poppies.  They wanted to make sure that the Marines didn’t take them for members of the Taliban and shoot them by mistake.  Like the farmers, I also don’t want our Marines to shoot them by mistake.

In Nicaragua, Daniel Ortega, the Soviet-loving president of the country, who came to power as the leader of the left-wing Sandinistas, insists it’s America’s obligation to bail his country out of the current financial crisis.  I might have voted to award him the Chutzpah Prize for 2009 if Brazil’s President Luiz Incio Lula de Silva hadn’t already copped the Prize by announcing that the world’s financial collapse was entirely the fault of “white people with blue eyes.”  Even though that left people such as myself, white people with brown eyes, off the hook, I took it as a personal swipe at my blue-eyed wife.

That brings us to the United States, a country that under Obama is rapidly becoming a place that would be unrecognizable to the freedom-loving architects who framed our Constitution and pledged their very lives and fortunes to creating a nation of, by and for the people.  It was a nation dedicated to the rights of the individual and based on Judeo-Christian principles, and not one that views Castro’s Cuba through red-colored glasses.

A recent poll found that 80% of so-called independents favor Democrats over Republicans when it comes to national security.  That, in a nutshell, tells us all we need to know about most people who identify themselves as independents or moderates.  For if there is any one issue on which sane people would give Republicans the edge, it would be national security.

As I have always contended, anyone who doesn’t regard himself as a conservative or at least a Republican is nearly always a liberal in sheep’s clothing who simply doesn’t wish to be pigeonholed.  I have an acquaintance who kept insisting for years that he was an independent.  When I finally pinned him to the wall and demanded he name the last Republican he had voted for, he admitted it was Richard Nixon in 1972!  Which makes him just about as independent as Howard Dean or James Carville.

It is my belief that by a huge margin independents and moderates go along with Obama’s plan to eliminate charitable deductions from the tax code.  It isn’t that these people are necessarily opposed to charities, they are merely opposed to individuals, particularly those of a religious bent, deciding for themselves which ones to support.  They prefer that the decisions be made by left-wing politicians.  So, while they would be happy to see hundreds of millions of dollars going to ACORN, abortion clinics, the National Endowment of the Arts, National Public Radio and AmeriCorps, they hate to see a dime go to churches, the Boy Scouts or the Salvation Army.

Speaking of abortions, I saw that a Kansas jury found Dr. George Tiller not guilty of any crime for performing a large number of late-term abortions for $5,000-a-pop.  That reminded me that years ago, I bought a female hamster for my 10-year-old stepdaughter, not knowing that she — the hamster, not my stepdaughter — was pregnant.  By the time I woke up one morning, my wife reported that the animal had given birth to four or five babies, and promptly had them for breakfast.  And that, in turn, reminds me that I recently read that a rare clouded leopardess had given birth in a Virginia zoo to a pair of cubs.  The zookeeper had to immediately rescue the newborns because these animals apparently have all the maternal instincts of an axe-murderer or a mother hamster and will often kill their offspring.  Which certainly helps to explain why clouded leopards are as rare as they are.

The reason I am sharing these particular, seemingly unrelated, stories is because it occurred to me that, if only she had been able to garner some publicity, my hamster could easily have been as great a heroine to the pro-choice movement as Jane Roe (aka Norma McCorvey) and how shocked I was that the ladies of NOW didn’t hold a candlelight vigil on behalf of the feline whose inalienable right to commit infanticide was denied by a paternalistic society. 

This brings us, inevitably to Washington, D.C., one of the few insane asylums on earth where the walls are made of marble and so are the noggins of the inmates.  First of all, in the spirit of fair play, I need to make a public apology to Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner.  Like most misinformed people, I leapt to the conclusion that he was a tax cheat.  But after watching him spend several weeks bumbling around the Capitol, babbling about spending trillions of Monopoly dollars in order to restore America’s financial stability, I have come to realize he isn’t a cheat, after all; he simply has no more grasp of financial matters than Curly, Moe or Larry.

–burtprelutsky@aol.com

“The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican. It’s counter-intuitive. And they revel in their anti-intellectualism. They revel in their cruelty.”

Tolerance.

And then she says this about Sarah Palin: “Of course she’s successful with a segment of the country because she represents that lesser segment of the country.”

Wow.  Those are fighting words, you ugly little soul.  No, that’s mean, and I don’t want to act like you just for the easy laughs.  At least not here, in the ‘24′ blog!   Please feel free to deeply insult many of my friends and family on the way to declaring yourself an arrogant, intolerant nut.

Meanwhile, we’re going to watch ‘24′ in the hopes that you are the mole.  And maybe make fun of you.

See you in the comments!