(Thundering tympanies, swirling spotlights)

Announcer

Live! From the fabulous Turtle Bay Ballroom at United Nations Headquarters, it’s the Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!

(orchestra fanfare: ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’)

With Pyongyang funnyman Kim Jong-Il! Borscht Belt headliner Vlady Putin! Queen of Mean Liz Windsor! Saudi Sheik of Schtick King Abdullah! Beijing jokeslinger Hu Jintao! Wacky al Qaeda Caveman Ayman al-Zawahiri! Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy! Sassy Wanda Sykes! South-of-the-border slapstick team Hugo Chavez and the Castro Brothers! Taliban Madman Mullah Omar! Jon Stewart! Lovable Libyan lush Muammar al-Ghadaffi! Grovelin’ Guvner Gordy Brown! Bashar “The Chin” al-Assad! The Hamas Fattah Dancers! And starring your Master of Ceremonies — that suntan man with a plan from Iran — that Persian with a nuclear perversion — Sheckyyyyyy Ahmedinejad!

(applause)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay, okay, pipe down. Let’s get this thing over with, this straitjacket is a rental and my magic carpet is double-parked on East 43rd. Mohamed H. Prophet, will you get a load of the evil on the stage tonight? I haven’t seen this many bombs since Janeane Garofalo played the American Legion convention. (more…)

President and Michelle Obama have just visited the Queen of England.  Of course, such a State visit demands a gift befitting her royal status and our First Couple has deftly fulfilled that lofty obligation with something that so exemplifies the greatness of America, it surely made Her Royal Highness swoon with delight.  Yes, the Obama messianic magnanimity is not fettered by mere earthly limitations and the gift he presented her rivals in grandeur and thoughtfulness to the finest Faberge Egg.  It is exactly what the Queen has been dreaming of possessing from the moment she saw candidate Obama deliver his blindingly brilliant speech to the massed multitudes in Berlin. 

Ah yes… I can see it now… bedtime at Buckingham Palace…  The Queen emerges from her powder room after her nightly ablutions and gently pads across the oriental carpet in her pink, fuzzy slippers to the edge of her royal bed.  She calls to her maidservant, “Fatima, my dear, before I retire would you fetch me my video iPod?  Not the old one, but the new one I just got from Barry and Michelle.”  “Of course, your Highness,” she replies, quickly exiting the Royal Suite.  Moments later Fatima returns, reverently cradling the radiant object in her hands.  Tenderly taking it from her, the Queen puts in the royal iPod ear buds.  Then, Fatima helps her out of her slippers and into the massive bed, making sure that the goose-down pillows are properly fluffed.  Finally, Fatima places the Royal night-cap on the Queen’s head, and, as the Queen snuggles further into her down comforter, Fatima bids her a pleasant “Good night.”   (more…)

I have a gift for Obama but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Awhile back I wrote an essay about how the policies of the new administration and comments of leading Democrats had negatively impacted my business. Since my personal economic downturn was directly due to the government I thought I might be able to scam, I’m sorry, receive some TARP money from Uncle Sugar. Twice I wrote to one of my senators, Sherrod Brown (D-OH) requesting a modest bailout. I explain how just a few hundred grand would put me on solid footing and allow me to help stimulate the economy by buying a new pick-up truck and a big screen TV.

Senator Brown ignored my first letter and sent me a form e-mail reply to the second. I may try again but thus far no Tarp money for me. So I am still picking up empty cans, striping copper wire out of abandoned houses, and standing on the corner with my “ I’m like Obama, I just want change!” sign to help make ends meets. I look in the want ads and sometimes I go out and apply for a job as a painter or drywall hanger just to practice my Spanish and see what other jobs are being taken from Americans under the guise that illegals only do jobs Americans don’t want. Does anyone in Washington realize that if we got serious and stopped illegal immigrants from taking jobs from working class Americans our unemployment rate would be zero? Hey, maybe that would stimulate the economy for less than ten gazillion dollars. But I digress. (more…)