THE CINEMATIC IMMUNITY CLAUSE

This contract’s previously mentioned  HOLLYWOOD STAR, having surpassed all normal standards of importance, (and now seeking revenge for being a high school nerd); shall not be held responsible for any and all of the following crimes, misdemeanors, torts, or traffic infractions:

1. Throwing chairs and injuring assistants or standers by.
2. Tantrums of any variety, in addition to chair or other furniture throwing.
3. Double-dipping in the Craft Service table Salsa bowls.
4. Driving around the cars of the ‘little people’ lined up at the security gate with your middle finger out.
5. Carbon foot-printing like a freakin’ Sasquatch Beeeotch.
6. Scratching your ass inside your pants then grabbing a handful of M&M’s from the bowl at the snack table.
7. Telling your P.A. “You f—ing  piece of sh-t, I told you I wanted to order lunch at 12:25 EVERY DAY! Not even a minute f—ing later or earlier you f—ing piece of sh-t.”
8. Not showing up at the Cast & Crew Screening.
9. Not showing up for your private screening.
10. Refusing to start  the private screening until someone ‘gets their head out of their ass and gets some friggin’decent popcorn!‘.
11. Having the flunky at the office fire someone in the afternoon that you told was doing an ‘aweome job mate!’ in the morning.
12. Stealing good story ideas and taking credit for them.
13. Stealing bad story ideas then blaming them on someone else.
14. Any other form of lying.
15. Never signaling while driving (drunk or otherwise.)
16. Complete phoniness, arrogance, and viciousness.
17. Utter contempt for all the people you clawed at and climbed over to get to the immune state.
18. Bad tipping.
19. No tipping.
20. Not caring if someone is sick, or even dying and then demanding to know why they are late.
21. Bringing your dog to the sound stage and demanding he/she have spring water and non cruelty organic fresh food.
22. Having the P.A. clean up the dog poop.
23. Never paying your fair share for the Starbucks run.
24. Leaving before the check comes to go somewhere ‘important’.
25. Punching your assistant for getting you a Business class seat.
26. Punching your assistant for anything else.
27. Insulting the lunch lady at the commissary for serving non ‘whole’ wheat bread, especially if she’s ugly.
28. Drugs.
29. Demanding everyone align their political thinking with yours; or else.
30. Smashing someones car with a 9 iron.
31. Smashing the craft service table with a putter.
32. 9 Ironing Chicken Tamales into the feet of your assistant whilst yelling “PICK IT UP! PICK IT F—ING UP!’
33. Any other use of sporting equipment to destroy or abuse.
34. Screaming “DO YOU FREAKING KNOW WHO I AM?!”
35. Making everyone wait – constantly.
36. Flipping over the craft service table because there aren’t any Biscotti.
37. Demanding your Green Tea be from Sri Lanka.
38. Demanding all spellings be of the British variety – such as; Colour, Favour, Cheque etc.
39. Demanding your luxury trailer and adjoining large sand coloured tent are a perfect 69 degrees, at 43% humidity, then demanding the A.D.  get another Semi loaded with generators to make it just so.
40. Demanding everyone on the set conserve energy.
41. Demanding your office be painted with non-odorous natural dye paint. Colour: Sand.
42. Screaming “IT’S MY F—ING MOVIE YOU NOBODY!” at 1 am in a hotel room hallway.
43. Kicking the maid in the hind quarters for not giving you higher thread-count sheets.
44. Throwing a telephone at the Bell Boy’s hind quarters for not finding you Blueberry juice at 4 am.
45. Drunk driving, having an accident, leaving the scene, scoffing at the injured.
46. Rape of a 13 Year old girl or boy.

NAMBLA is an organization with a goal to eliminate age-of-consent laws. Arguing those younger than 18 have the mental ability to make decisions, they claim it is unfair to the youth to prevent them from doing so. They oppose forcing sexual relations on anyone, regardless of age. They do not advocate breaking the law, but work to change the law.

On June 15th 2005 the men of NAMBLA rejoiced when the pop singer Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all charges of sexual molestation of boys and of providing minors with alcohol. The group considered Michael Jackson’s acquittal to be a vindication for their Association. “Michael’s innocence is something that is held very dear to us,” said a representative at the time. “We can all relate to wanting to love a child. Many of us have small children that we love and many of us take small children to bed with us every night. Loving a child is not a crime and Michael has proven that to everyone.” Some NAMBLA members felt this was breaking new ground for them and hoped to see laws amended such as mandatory curfews for minors and the legal age of consent lowered to nine years of age.

The NAMBLA website is a cornucopia of at best, instructions on how to love an underage boy in an inappropriate manner, and at worst how to manipulate one into questionable physical experiences with an adult male.

In 2003, Jackson confessed to 60 Minutes about his love of sleeping with children. NAMBLA was founded in 1978, so the question begs; did Jackson get his talking points from NAMBLA for his 60 Minutes interview? In that interview The King of Pop was asked if it was okay to share his bed with children “Of course. Why not? If you’re going to be a pedophile, if you’re going to be Jack the Ripper, if you’re going to be a murderer, it’s not a good idea. That I am not.”

When asked if Jackson would allow his own children to sleep in a bed with a grown man who was not a relative or to sleep in that man’s bedroom, Jackson replied, “Sure, if I know that person, trust them, and love them. That’s happened many times with me when I was little.” This comment too is in lockstep with the mind set of NAMBLA “We feel a special love for children in our own special way and want to express it.” said a representative after the airing of that interview.

NAMBLA members don’t see themselves as Jack the Ripper because in the twisted mindset of its members they feel they’re filling a need they see in a child at the hands of their tormented past or present sickness.

Jackson left many unanswered questions about his past. Was he himself a victim of man boy love as a youth? Was his sick need to be with young boys a sign of arrested development, was he gay, or was Jackson just a modern day pedophiliac Pied Piper moon walking children to his Neverland ranch?

Only in today’s vacuous pop culture would thousands of people and all media outlets raise this man up like a Christ passing, all because he could sing and dance. If what he said about children came from the mouth of people’s neighbor, they’d have his head. On June 25th 2009 when Jackson was pronounced dead NAMBLA lost a man in common, gained a Messiah and children everywhere became safer.