I go to bed full of hate and wake up the same.  I hate blacks, Hispanics, gays, women, abortion doctors, liberals, Lefties, Democrats, you name ‘em, I hate ‘em if they’re not like me. I especially hate President Obama for being black. Just ask Janeane Garofalo, although being a Stalinist Socialist doesn’t help Obama’s cause any with me. Fact is, Obama could be a GOP Michael Steele Uncle Tom, and I’d still hate him even more than liberals hate Steele. Skin color trumps all. Thank God I was born the right color, or I’d probably kill myself. Wait, the hoods are dry! Be right back.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Joe is my hero and role model, Archie Bunker a distant second, Ted Nugent a close third. I have posters of all of them lining my walls, alongside such conservative Republican heroes as Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, Adolf Hitler and Darth Vader.

I used to have one of Robert C. Byrd, but he lost me when he left the Klan and became the Conscience of the Senate. Whatever that means. Didn’t know the Senate had one. But I never understood that. How can a white guy in good conscience leave the Klan? But I digress.

I have a mega-gun collection and a huge stockpile of hollow-point Teflon-coated ammo that’s just itching to be used. Haven’t decided yet on which abortion doctor I’m going to target next. Maybe I’ll just go down to the border and shoot brownskins for sport. dHs, sToP mE BefORe I KilL aGAiN!

And though I really hate homos like the Good Book says I should, I spend a lot of my free time cruising aiport rest rooms and tapping footsies like Larry Craig. If I’m lucky, I’ll get some real teabagging in. If not, I’ll try to get some in at my local Tea Party. Of course, my shotgun wedding Handmaid’s Tale wife with the nice tooth doesn’t know about any of this. She’s usually home watching Jerry Falwell and the “700 Club” most of the day, and role-plays being Sarah Palin for me at night. Is that kinky or what? God, I love my wife! Would never be unfaithful to her with another woman.

As to being with other men, well, nobody in the GOP’s perfect. But it beats being a liberal! Except for the part where they get away with murder, and we get stoned for jaywalking.

Our favorite day is Sunday, named after our favorite radical fire-and-brimstone preacher Billy Sunday. We sing hymns like ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ and wash ourselves clean in the Lord. Really necessary for me. A conservative Republican can get real dirty during the GOP workweek. Good thing my wife’s family is rich. Her toothless redneck dad gave us a beat up ‘78 Ford pickup with NASCAR and confederate flag bumper stickers and an Easy Rider rifle rack. Pride of the Bayou!

I want war. Lots of it. Want the economy to get a boost? Works every time! Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran! Of course, in the interest of disclosure, I must confess to being a consultant for Blackwater, Halliburton, the Carlyle Group and Big Oil. And so what if we all staged 9/11? Made a ton of dough and dusted enough Islamist ragheads to fill the new Yankee Stadium, didn’t we?

Liberals are such pussies! And screw Global Warming! I WANT the world to burn! Only then can Jesus bring Paradise to earth. Speaking of which, where’s that landing strip for Christ in Yosemite National Park James Watt put on order? Days are gettin’ short! And don’t forget, Jesus is white, and might is right. I’m sorry, what was the problem with slavery again?

Actually, I have to confess yet again. All the above is only what I aspire to be, i.e. the best GOPer Repug Nazi I can be. Like most mortals, I fall far short of my goals and dreams. I don’t even own a gun or hollow-point Teflon-coated ammo, but I support the Second Amendment, which is just as bad. May as well be a co-conspirator with Scott Roeder and James von Brunn.

I detest the corrupt Mengele-like genocidal statutory rape-hiding abortion industry that needs reform even more than Iran’s government, but support a woman’s LEGAL right to choose. It’s the law. Until and unless it’s overturned, what can you do? Shoot up clinics? Ya, in my Rethug dreams!

I’m really not a bathroom footsie player, or like cock and hairy ass in general. But gay marriage is legal in my home state of New Hampshire and I haven’t been sodomized yet, so live and let live. What can I say, I’m weak. And even though as a six-year veteran I believe in General Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that “no one hates war more than the soldier,” sometimes they just gotta be fought if civilization as we know it must survive. Be it a cold war with the Russians or hot ones with Hitler and bin Laden, the dirty deeds must be done. And without quarter until victory is complete.

Fight a war to the end or don’t fight it. You can’t do both. One way assures victory, the other defeat. The Art of Fighting Without Fighting doesn’t work with the abu Musab al-Zarqawis of this world.

Worst of all? I was born and raised in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Now THAT’S a confession! How can I ever face my conservative redneck Republican sister-banging moonshine-guzzling Zionist drinking buddies at the NRSC and AIPAC again?

I put it all on the table, people. Now, if only liberal Democrat lefties would freely admit to all the world that they’re all hypocritical, mentally disordered, drug-addled, tree-hugging, America-hating, nihilist anarchist recruiting office-bombing, terrorist and dictator-loving, tinfoil hat, limp-wrist pansy spoiled brat full-grown trust fund Stalinist toddlers who couldn’t get gangbanged by the Green Bay Packers hard or fast enough (practice squads included), maybe we’ll get somewhere in this country.

I seek progress, not perfection. We can all sit down together and have one big ideological circle jerk. Get it out of our systems, you know? Hey, we’re all Americans here! Confession is good for the soul. Or your metaphysical, Pagan or Wiccan existential plane of being, depending on your religious or non-religious proclivities and inclinations.

God, I feel so good now. Got it all out. Okay, let’s hear it in the comments section now. No holding back. That includes you, Unrighteous Bubba and Cognitive Dissonant. Tell us about all the kinky things you like to do with tinfoil, Vaseline and vacuum cleaners while watching sick online German porn in your mothers’ basements

Copied below is the ACTUAL letter that I sent to and was signed for by Lorne Micheals (and assistant) today over at NBC. I know that the writing is a little less snippy than usual, but please take into account that this man could squash my nuts into oblivion. There’s plenty of room for suggestions, so I encourage you to chime in.  And bear in mind, Lorne may be stopping by here.

Dear Mr. Michaels

I write this letter not as a disgruntled fan, but as a true admirer of what SNL stands for (and as a fellow Canadian/American). We both know how popular it is to mutter things like “I liked SNL, back when it was good” or “SNL used to be cool, but now their writing sucks etc.” Trust me; I’m as annoyed by those folks as you are. I truly believe that you have one of the most talented casts ever assembled over there at NBC.

I not only love your show, but I love the principal of a weekly program centered around irreverence. You folks are the jesters making fun of the king, and that’s something that a free country desperately needs. The problem is, that I don’t see much jesting anymore. You folks over at Rainbow Studio seem all too eager to get in on the “kissing of the ring” action. What’s up with that?

I would hate to see your show render itself irrelevant due to a completely one-sided cast/writing staff being totally ill-equipped to deal with the most lopsided government in American History. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s not entirely your fault. Being in the NBC/TV “Bubble” must make it hard to find a dissenting viewpoint. You’re surrounded by “yes men” who think of many Americans as nothing more than “people from the fly-over states”. Contrary to popular belief in NYC, there are plenty of people out there who are unhappy with this administration. If I had to put a number on it, I’d guess about 46%.

Half of the country tunes in weekly, waiting for you to take the irreverent pot-shots at the current administration that we’ve come to know and love throughout the Bush era, only to be disappointed.

I don’t know whether you find it “unpatriotic” to make fun of the current Administration, or if you honestly feel that you haven’t enough ammo. I would find the latter hard to believe considering that the country’s VP is JOE FREAKING BIDEN. The man is an absolute goldmine of material. He’s the comedic gift that keeps on giving.

However, if you folks don’t have at least one honest to God conservative on your writing staff, who is able to offer an authentically cynical view of the current Presidency, I would like to formally suggest that you do so. The quality of your show may depend on it.

Being a young Comedian who’s toured and written professionally for years, I would like to formally offer my services. Now I’m totally aware that someone over at NBC may pull the “Norm Macdonald card” on me (“You’re just not funny”), and may very well be right in doing so, which is why I have compiled a list of other thought-provoking, right-of-center comedians available upon request.

I hope you take this into consideration and I look forward to hearing from you… Or you could just write me off as some “right wing punk” with an axe to grind. That’s cool too.

God bless!
Sincerely,
Steven Crowder

PS: This letter is being posted tonight on “Big Hollywood” to tens of thousands of readers. Feel free to stop by and view their responses.

There you have it my fellow anti-establishment amigos.  If you support this motion, leave a response explaining so.  Also, if you feel that I’m a totally unfunny jackass who’s terribly ill-equipped for the job, feel free to suggest people who would be better.

Finally, to those of you who are happy with the status quo and DON’T support this motion… How does it feel to be The Man?