Three times this century the Peace Prize has been given to someone for the simple reason they are not George W. Bush. Perhaps they should rename the Noble Peace Prize the “At Least He’s Not George W. Bush Prize.” Maybe the “Liberal Socialist of the Year Prize,” might be better.

Let’s look at some recent winners and see how they have brought peace to the planet. Al Gore (2007) and Wangari Maathai (2004) both scored the “peace” prize for environmental work. I won’t get into the science behind so-called “global warming,” (AKA: “climate change,” and here in the Midwest “the weather”). Nice and very touchy-feely, but exactly how does that help bring world peace?

Perhaps the biggest joke of all was the awarding of the 2001 prize to the U.N. and Kofi “The Embezzler” Annan. This was followed by the 2005 award to the IAEA and Mohamed ElBaradei for stopping the spread of nuclear weapons.

The most important reason I am happy that Mr. Obama won the Nobel is that it shows I am not out of the running for next year’s Nobel Prize in Physics. I would like to send the following announcement to the Nobel Committee: In the next four years I intend to write a unified field theory, explain the nature of all sub-atomic particles and produce endless free energy from cold fusion.

The fact that I have said I intend to do these things makes me as qualified to win the Physics prize as Obama was to win the Peace Prize. In fact, time may show that I am more qualified to win my prize because in the next three years and one half years I will do nothing to set the world of physics back. Can President Obama make the same claim in relation to world peace?

Here’s the problem with good intentions: they don’t accomplish anything. This has been, thus far, the legacy of the Obama Administration. Last week he stood before the folks gathered in Washington D.C. for the gay rights rally and pledged to end “Don’t ask don’t tell.” The only thing is you can’t ask him when he will do this because he can’t tell you!

The President said he would do many things and has done very little except to continue the irrational policy of George W.  — that if you spend enough money people will like you. History has shown us that if you throw money at people the only thing they will do is want it to continue.

The Nobel Prize Committee announced today that it is awarding the Prize in Medicine to Jimmy Duncan, a senior at Horace Greeley High School in Chappaqua, New York, for getting a 97 on his bio-chem final.

“The Committee felt that Master Duncan has shown great promise with his outstanding grades,” said Dr. Leif Quisling, chairperson of the Nobel Prize Committee.  “It is our fervent hope that this award encourages him to do great things in the future, such as find a cure for cancer.”

The committee was first alerted to Jimmy Duncan when they came across a YouTube clip of Duncan’s class presentation on his career goals.

“We were particularly struck by his unbridled optimism,” said Dr. Quisling. “Duncan closed his passionate talk with these inspiring words:  ’And we can end cancer in our lifetimes if we all work together really, really hard!’  It is exactly those kind of empty platitudes that impress this committee. Far more so than anything so gauche as actual achievement.”

Mr. Duncan was somewhat blase’ about the news.  “I was lying in bed playing a little X-Box before heading off to school when my mom yelled, ‘Jimmy, you’ve got a phone call from Stockholm!’  It was pretty cool, yeah.”

Dr. Quisling acknowledged that the committee was inspired to award prizes prematurely after giving President Barack Obama a Nobel Peace Prize the year before, despite the fact that nominations had been closed only 11 days after he entered office.

“In Barack Obama’s case, we figured that if the American people were willing to hand over the U.S. presidency to someone who hasn’t accomplished much, why not give him the Nobel Peace Prize before he’s done anything, either?” Dr. Quisling said.

As for Jimmy Duncan, 17, he says he’s “psyched” about the Nobel Prize.  “I should be a shoo-in now to get into Harvard,” he said.

“By the way, I’m not going pre-med anymore,” Duncan volunteered.  ”Now that I’ve got the Nobel in Medicine, why bother?  I’ll just invest my prize money in a diversified fund and I never have to work another day in my life.  In fact, I may just skip Harvard and go to a party school.  Arizona State, here I come!”

We contacted Dr. Quisling’s office for a comment on Duncan’s change in plans.  Nobody returned our calls by press time.

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