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5.   The Screaming Viking from “Cheers”: 

The Screaming Viking comes from the first episode of Cheers to feature Kirstie Alley in her roll of Rebecca Howe.  Sam (Ted Danson), trying to purge anything that was associated with former flame, Diane (Shelly Long), out of his life, sold the bar, bought a boat, and planned on circumnavigating the globe.  The problem was that Sam was about as good at being a sailor as he was at being a MLB pitcher.  He sank the boat and returned to Cheers, penniless and looking for a job.  New manager, Rebecca Howe, hires him but must make room by either firing longtime Cheers assistant bartender, Woody (Woody Harrelson), or a new, but extremely talented bartender she had hired.  The new guy claimed he knew ever drink known to man, and made a bet that if a customer asked for a drink he was unfamiliar with, he would quit.  After some conspiring between the Cheers regulars, the fictional drink the Screaming Viking was born.  Obviously the new guy didn’t know what this concoction was, and left in disgrace.

After the defeated bartender leaves, everyone who had ordered the Screaming Viking spits it out.  This is probably the appropriate reaction to this drink.  The ingredients are vodka, dry vermouth, celery, lime juice, and a cucumber (bruised). 

This drink doesn’t make the list because it is good, but rather it delivers on its promise to be horrible.  When a bar full of people spit the Screaming Viking out, this is not a tremendous endorsement.  After the first three, you stop noticing the way the celery, alcohol, and cucumber slice seem to be completely at odds with one another.  After five of them, you stop noticing your brain stem (or it stops noticing you, either way it isn’t good).  After seven of these drinks, you can see through time.  When you get up past that you are risking a trip to the emergency room.  Overall this drink was an enjoyable experiment and one of the few times that fun could be had with a bruised cucumber that didn’t involve the 2AM scramble for companionship on bar night.

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4.   Milk and Pepsi from “Laverne and Shirley”:

Pop and milk in the same glass is not a new concept.  My grandmother used to make me a drink called a “Boston Cooler” (this drink is virtually unknown outside the borders of Michigan).  This drink consists of ginger ale and milk.  Being the Sicilian rebel that she was, grandma used a small Detroit brand named “Grillies” instead of Vernors.  Grandma also cured my sore throats by frying salt, putting it in a sweat sock, and wrapping around my neck and believed sugar cookies and cannoli were the answer to just about every problem life could throw at you.  So not every idea she had was a winner (save for the cannoli).  But the pop and milk thing worked when she did it.  Laverne Defazio from the show “Laverne and Shirley” was less successful with her milk and Pepsi concoction.

While the taste of ginger was strong enough to stand up to the milk, the cola taste in Pepsi was overwhelmed.  In a drink that is two parts Pepsi and one part milk, the taste of the cola was almost completely lost and the whole thing wound up tasting like sugar milk that had been sitting around at room temperature a little too long.  While that was the experience when the standard Pepsi product was used in the recipe, it actually tasted better when the “Throwback” Pepsi, the one that uses real sugar instead of corn syrup, was mixed in to the milk.  In order to be fair and balanced when testing this drink, a glass of milk and Coke was also experimented with.  This drink was much better than the milk and Pepsi.  The nutmeg taste in Coke didn’t fight the milk so much and it worked in a rather odd way.  While milk and Coke was surprisingly pleasant, chocolate milk and coke was a gastronomic holocaust. 

Those who want to try this drink need only pour one part milk and two parts Pepsi/Coke/RC/Jolt into a glass and enjoy. 

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3.  Spaghetti Tacos from “iCarly“:

Something seems very wrong about mixing the sort of food they serve at Olive Garden with a Taco Bell offering.  However when a massively successful show like iCarly advocates for Spaghetti Tacos, it is very hard to ignore.  The base recipe for this is exactly what the title implies: Spaghetti , marinara sauce (with meat), and common, corn based, taco shells from any grocery store.  While the base recipe tasted great, but the beauty of this food is in the versatility of it.  Like any proper taco, additional toppings can be added, such as jalapeno peppers (which really popped), Mozzarella cheese, tomato chunks, Pepper Jack Cheese, etc.  In short, if it belongs on a taco or pasta, it will fit in this a spaghetti taco.

The one drawback to the spaghetti taco was the “mess” factor.  Long, stringy, linguini style pasta eaten from a taco shell tends to be untidy.  I tried versions wit mostaccioli and shells.  I found those worked much better than the classic recipe with the long spaghetti.  Not only were they less messy, but the thicker, more concentrated pasta added a texture that was much more enjoyable than the linguini style spaghetti taco.  I am sure that the whole spaghetti taco thing started as a joke, but it turned out to be a great recipe.

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2.  Bacon Burger Dog from “The Cosby Show”:

If more people ate Bacon Burger Dogs, the world would be a less angry and violent place.  Mostly because there would be a lot fewer of us to do the fighting.  Those who survived this meat filled WMD would be way too happy, full, and emotionally content to be angry at anyone.  This recipe is the ultimate comfort food perhaps the Cosby shows greatest contribution to society. 

The success or failure of the Bacon Burger Dog depends heavily on the ingredients.  In short, if your meat plumps when you cook it, you are probably using the wrong hot dogs.  I experimented with this recipe using Kowalski hot dogs, an 80/20 mix of Angus  ground beef, and Dakin Farm Cob-Smoked Bacon.  If you just get some ball park franks, some rancid turkey bacon, and ground meat that may or may not be from an ungulate, well…you deserve what you get.  The Bacon Burger Dog should be served on a quality hoagie roll. 

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1.  The Upside-down Flint Rubble-Bubble Cake from “The Flintstones”:

Considering the fact that this year marks a half century of the Flintstones, we can’t ignore them.  They also came up with perhaps the most interestingly named confection in all of television history.  The Upside-down Flint Rubble-Bubble Cake is a recipe that Wilma and Betty came up with for a televised cooking contest, but due to a number of circumstances, Fred and Barney (in drag) wound up on the show actually making the cake.

The real recipe for is either a closely guarded or died with William Hanna and Joseph Barbera.  Well, if it was a closely guarded secret, it would have found its way to the New York Times front page or Wikileaks (especially if the cake can be damaging to national security and give aid and comfort to our Islamic enemies).  While there is no actual recipe for this, the mere mention of the cake sprinting out to the bakery in order to fill my desire for this item with Hostess products and the occasional cheesecake.  Oddly enough, even after a pastry bender, I feel strangely empty inside. 

This item is the number one television food item based on a really interesting name and its ability to inspire the sort of longing that not even an entire French Silk pie can satisfy.  If anyone has an actual recipe for this, please send it along.

The conversation turns to Scientology. There had recently been a expose in Time magazine (and astute readers can now speculate on how long ago this was). “It’s a really evil institution,” I start, “Kind of a cross between the Mafia and Oral Roberts with just a dash of the Manson Family.”

The girl who had been getting all my attention chuckled condescendingly, “Well, I read that Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist, and I don’t think Kirstie Alley would belong to anything like that!”

Oh. There’s the flaw. She is stupid. (And probably a pre-clear TR-4).

Scientology has been dismissed and despised by most thinking individuals, but before we throw out the Thetan with the bath water, maybe we should look a little closer at Scientology Inc. Because this kind of marketing has been quite effective. By winning over celebrities, Scientology has been able to  gain a sizable following of Americans who look to the stars for guidance.

Scientology has a Celebrity Centre inside of Hollywood set up to pamper those stars. They have a staff of masseuses to rub the backs of actors while they’re waiting off-set for the next scene. In return, Scientology has many famous followers.

This kind of marketing  has come of age in the new century. Advertising people now go into high schools and encourage popular girls to use their lip gloss. They know the less popular girls will imitate them, hoping that the new lip gloss holds the secret to popularity. We will never know how many short men and chubby women became Scientologists just because they wanted to be the next Tom Cruise or Kirstie Alley.

The Democrats have done the same thing. Most actors have a desire to be taken seriously (beautiful people never want  to be known just for their pretty faces even though we aesthetically less gifted wouldn’t mind such notoriety).  Democrats have convinced celebrities they can gain intelligence by osmosis. Just by appearing onstage with Obama, or Al Gore, they too have advanced Ivy League degrees (even high school dropouts like Sean Penn or Martin Sheen). Democrats have given actors credibility. In return, the actors sell Democrat politics to the nation.

Oprah’s endorsement of Obama cannot be understated. If Oprah finds something she likes, millions of women will try it. The difference between a starving author, and a NY Times best seller is having Oprah read your book. It doesn’t even need to be the truth, it just has to appear that way. Both James Frey and Herman Rosenblat passed off works of fiction to Oprah as memoirs. There is speculation that Obama’s books were also fabricated by a third party. (Apparently Oprah likes to be lied to, which is probably why she is still engaged to straight man Steadman.)

There is no reason why our side’s politics shouldn’t appeal to Hollywood. We have something much more valuable to offer: genuine intellectualism. Our message of lower taxes and respect for the First Amendment hits Hollywood celebrities right square in the man-purse. And (if perhaps) some of the more conservative elements of our party listened to the supply-side arguments for drug legalization, we could win on that one, as well. Because despite the appearance of “tolerance,” Democrats do not want to legalize marijuana as much as they want to outlaw tobacco.

The difference between the parties is as vast as the difference between Scientology and traditional religions. While one religion massages celebrities and tells them they are heirs to a great galactic empire, the others tell them they are born of sin and must subjugate themselves under the glory of God. The Democrats tell celebrities they are the agents of change, while Bill O’Reilly screams at them for destroying American Culture. That has to stop.

It’s hard. I know it’s hard. Part of the secret of being able to survive in Hollywood is the ability to say with a straight face something completely inhuman, like: “I’ve always admired Morgan Fairchild’s work.” Or: “The second season of ‘Family Matters’ was clearly the best.” It’s not unlike being a good parent: you have to put all the art up on the refrigerator.

It’s how Al Gore does it. When Sheryl Crow says we need to limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper, or Leonardo DiCaprio tells us that Global Warming will cause human extinction, Al Gore admires their commitment and pats them on their tiny heads. Meanwhile, the girl I left standing at the bar so many years ago is probably an OT 5 today and driving a Prius with an Obama sticker.

*For information on some of my upcoming gigs check out: TimSlagle.com