It all played out a little too perfect — a surprise last-minute swoop by Clinton into enemy territory to heroically stare down the world’s most blood-thirsty dictator and rescue two damsels in distress.  The press asked the White House how Bill Clinton became involved in the rescue of the two American women, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, trespassing into North Korea and sentenced to “10 years hard labor.”  They said they had no involvement.  Of course, Bill Clinton’s wife Hillary works for President Obama as Secretary of State; certainly, the press surmised, she must have been responsible.  The response from the State Department was that Bill Clinton was on a “private humanitarian mission.” How does one pull off such an extempore feat without government help?  Why, call a movie mogul — of course!

Steve Bing, the multimillionaire behind “Beowulf” and “The Polar Express,” now has a new blockbuster in his collection — call it “The Pyongyang Express.”  Clearly a man who knows how to make things happen, Bing didn’t have time for protocol, pesky nuclear disarmament concerns or international law.  He fueled up his private Boeing 737 and before you could yell “Action!” a former U.S. President was on his way to meet Kim Jong Ill, a sworn enemy of the United States — who just a month ago was launching missiles aimed precariously close to Hawaii.

But it doesn’t stop there.  As any mogul knows, making the picture is one thing — but it’s all about marketing it big, baby!  No worries, Bing’s Hollywood P.R. firm Rogers & Cowan was brought in to arrange a spectacular homecoming.  Since the women being rescued worked for a company of Academy-Award winning, greenie Al Gore, the firm wisely chose a solar powered facility to accommodate press events.  Meanwhile, the pictures coming back from North Korea were playing out beautifully.  Clinton looked so glum and stern next to a clearly delighted, but frail Kim Jong-Il.  It reminded the world how wonderful Clinton can play emotions for the cameras: “In this scene, Bill, you are meeting a man who wants to take over the world — remember, you’re Luke Skywalker, and he’s Darth Vader.”

Back in Tinseltown, the set folks were readying a hangar at Bob Hope International Airport in Burbank for our hero’s triumphant return.  No official U.S. government personnel in this scene.  No, this is where tears are shed, and father-figure Al Gore emerges to hug the dear employees he feared were lost forever.  One of the rescued women said Clinton’s team was “super-cool,” and she was right.  Welcome to the A-List sweetheart.  No disrespect to the woman, but the team may have done too much of a super-cool perfect job — usually prisoners look a little more shaken and stirred as they descend the airplane steps back into captivity.

These rescued prisoners had make-up, wardrobe and perfect hair that gleamed under the lights of the awaiting cameras.  Thankfully, no hard labor evident.  But something about this blockbuster leaves the audience feeling a tad anxious after the credits roll.  After all, the bar has certainly been raised.  Will there be more cinematic rescues of American captives — servicemen and women in Afghanistan who are taken by the Taliban or captured in Iraq by roving militias?  The three “hikers” who crossed into Iran and were taken prisoner?  Should Clinton be dropped by helicopter onto ships seized by Somali pirates?

We’ll have to wait for the sequel.

Thank you for your patience.  Let’s begin.

Although facebook has been the gift that keeps on giving in terms of confirming whether or not a prospective date is or is not a liberal, for this installment I thought I’d put my instincts to the test by participating in the very underrated process of “stereotyping.”

I think, and rightfully so, that many Americans feel that Los Angeles is a place bankrupt of spirituality…not to mention just plain bankrupt. However, there is a spiritual movement among Angelinos that folks may not be aware of, largely because it is a faith so self indulgent it would be difficult for the average hard working American to fathom.  This movement is called “Spiritual Psychology.”

Let me just say this for fear of being labeled judgmental: I have nothing against spirituality or psychology; in fact, I actually saw a Medicine Man on an Indian reservation in the Jemez Valley to help me with a “problem” I’d prefer not to discuss here. It was an extremely spiritual, dare I say magical experience, after which my “problem” did not improve in the least.

In terms of psychology, I am a huge proponent, having spent countless hours and dollars on a therapist’s couch over the years. The results have been miraculous: I am aware of every problem I have ever had and the root cause behind each one of those problems, and yet somehow have not discovered the means to change a single pattern of behavior.

So what I’m saying is….I’m open.  So when a platonic girlfriend of mine mentioned she was attending a University for Spiritual Psychology, my interest was peaked. She was what I call a “Utopian Liberal” with an impossibly positive attitude–the kind of person who if her arms fell off, would know destiny was calling her to be an apple bobbing champion.  If God gave this girl lemons, she didn’t make lemonade, she made a lemon curd tart with a Raspberry drizzle.  I couldn’t fault her for this. However, due to my complete lack of ability to live my life that way, I did what anyone would do, and resented her greatly.

Here’s where the stereotyping comes in, and I think justifiably so.  It was very difficult for me to imagine a Conservative….Republican…..okay, anyone who would attend an institution of lower learning that had the audacity to label itself a “University” when the only requirements for admittance were thousands of dollars, a bevy of emotional problems, and a tremendous amount of spare time.  However, if I had to take that leap, I would imagine that the student body would be comprised solely of liberals, so I asked my friend if she could set me up with a classmate.

She was amenable to the idea if someone stepped forward. Then she closed her eyes.

I want all of you to stop reading and wait 15 seconds in silence….because that’s what I was forced to do. Apparently she couldn’t “actively” think of someone.  My potential date had to reveal herself in my friend’s mind. A few more seconds and her eyes opened along with her cranial curtains to reveal who had taken the stage: Jaquelib.  However, I had to promise two things before my friend would make the call.

First: I would have to approach this with an open heart and look for her loving essence.

My response…yeah, yeah, that’s fine…heart’s open….and looking for a woman’s loving essence is always part of the plan anyway.  What else?

Second: I would have to attend an orientation night at the University so that I could understand and lovingly embrace Jaquelib’s emotional journey without judgment.

My response: a round off double back handspring into an Arabian dive roll. The promise of material was extremely exciting.

***

The Orientation

I got out of my car in front of the building, scaled the stairs to the information desk where I signed in and took a seat in the banquet hall. This process took me all of 90 seconds and within that brief period I was greeted no less than 457 times.  There were hosts and hostesses everywhere…all dressed in identical black suits…smiles plastered on.  There was no wavering in expressions or vocal tones. They held their arms down in front of them with hands folded. All the men were curiously bald and shiny. I figured at any moment the protective plates which housed their facial features would slide off revealing tiny alien beings driving their respective bodies.

I would have made a break for it but they were positioned at every exit and with my imagination already running wild; I didn’t want to consider the consequences of a failed escape attempt.

As I enjoyed the melding of scented candles and Carpet Fresh, I turned my attention to the potential student body, eavesdropping where I could to get some sense of my fellow spiritual psychologists in the making.  This group was the “Who’s Who” of those who had no idea who they were. In a strange way, I was beginning to feel lost myself…I found this noteworthy as if there were some sub-auditory subliminal message being broadcast throughout the room:  “Doubt yourself. Doubt yourself. We can help. We can help.”

One of the black suited extraterrestrials took the stage and enthusiastically introduced the founders of the university. I don’t quite know how to explain this, but for me, there is nothing more unnerving than a husband/wife team teaching anything to anyone.  I know I am not alone in this theory or the world would never have been introduced to Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp, the musical directors at Alta Dena Middle School portrayed so accurately by Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer.

Out of respect for the anonymity of the institution and for my ease of association, I will henceforth refer to the founders of the University as The Culps.

Now the Culps had their pitch down. They knew that every potential buyer in that room (save for one) was lost, desperate, searching, dissatisfied with his or her life, and therefore open–and by “open” I mean subject to influence.

They cleverly used the word “Stuck.” A word so general anyone could find meaning in it, not unlike a fortune cookie.  We were all united by our inability to improve our lives….and guess who had the ability to pull us out of the mud?  The Culps. They would lead us out. Don’t get me wrong, we would all have to do our part. We would all pitch in like a not so shovel ready emotional public works program which would require extensive sharing….so much sharing, in fact, that it would make an Alanon group seem like a bunch of introverts.

In addition, we would have to “let go of our painful ego structure by removing identity.” Let me repeat that “let go of our painful ego structure by removing identity.” The math was basic…and alarming.

Once we removed our identities, we could “manifest” what we wanted in our lives: the great job, the big break, the perfect woman, less back hair…

This is far from an original concept and it’s generally explained by the Kool-Aid drinkers as a technique to attract the things that you want in life. My theory is, at the root of “manifesting” is a sense of entitlement along with the inherent belief that you deserve to have whatever you want regardless of the work you put in or your qualifications….and that is not how this world works…unless your goal is to be the President of the United States of America.

The Culps however, didn’t use the President as an example. Rather, they rolled a video testimonial from a graduate of the program, who once she realized her ego was irrelevant, she was able to realize the dream of running her own business: Alpaca rugs weaved by imprisoned Bolivian mothers. That woman was Meg Whitman , Carly Fiorina, nobody you’ve ever heard of.

If you took a step back and put the pieces together, it was easy to see the Culps’ agenda. Excessive sharing under the guise of transparency, the removal of the self, the devaluation of initiative through “manifestation,” and cult-like homogeny. This wasn’t spiritual psychology. It was “emotional and spiritual redistribution.”

And then it occurred to me… something horrifying:  The journey from this….

….to this…

…..was far shorter than one might expect.

I left the orientation, hopped on the Hale-Bopp comet, and headed home to secure my date with a liberal. Call me a stereotyper.

***

The Date

Jacquelib’s idea for a date was to meet in any open space where we wouldn’t be limited by any physical barriers such as walls. This was consistent with my post-orientation expectation. She picked the bluffs over looking the Pacific Ocean. I agreed. No walls.

She was late, but had a valid excuse: Being a liberal, her time was far more valuable than mine and I knew that going in, so I waited…feeling surprisingly at one with the…cliff.

I was just about to discover an internal truth that been evading me for 23 years….when she showed up.  I don’t think looks are generally that important to my ongoing research, but I think it’s important in the instance to tell you all that Jacquelib was beyond beautiful.  The kind of beautiful that makes you ignore things like compatibility.

For some bizarre reason when we hugged “hello” I stood on my toes as if to momentarily fool her or myself into believing I was taller than I am. The odd thing was I am already taller than her, than she, whatever.

She had a very soothing vibe about her. She even handed me a cold tea drink called The Dragon which was an oddly colored green and came with an industrial-sized wide-mouth straw with which to inhale the numerous boba tapioca pearls which were stacked high at the bottom of the cup.

We chose a nice spot to sit down. The lotus position was implied so I bent myself uncomfortably into it. Before there was sharing of any kind, Jaquelib wanted to begin with a guided meditation. She would be my guide. Eyes closed. Breathe. Breathe. I was instructed to mentally travel to the whitest of sand beaches where I would discover a box that was left just for me. I was to open the box and see the note inside. On the note something was written, something I wanted.  My note said “Newt in 2012.”  I was to put the note back in the box and bury it in the sand for another loving soul to find. I hoped 65 million loving souls would find that box. Breathe. Breathe. I was definitely breathing, yet she kept saying it. Eyes closed…but then I heard a stirring in the brush from below the ridge so I opened one eye. Breathe. Breathe. The noise louder….closer and then up from God knows where, Breitbart appeared on horseback, riding sidesaddle, as he is wont to do. She must have still been on her beach because she didn’t see him, but I saw him, and he saw me….. in the lotus position, breathing…with one eye open. I was embarrassed. He shook his head, gathered up a mouthful of tobacco juice, coiled, and released, sending a tightly bound liquid bomb 20 feet in distance just over my head blinding a rattlesnake which was descending from a tree just inches behind me. I turned back to Breitbart who gave me a nod, but it was really a warning: be careful. Eyes open she said. Breitbart was gone.

It was time to share….let me be more specific. It was time for her to share and this was when I became painfully aware of an experiment she had been conducting as part of her emotional growth….it was her journey.

Jaquelib had decided that in an attempt to become less self-involved she had removed the use of the word “I” from her vocabulary.  She could use other words to refer to herself, just not “I.” This would serve as some sort of self-prescribed Pavlovian bell to curb her inherent narcissism.  The first time I heard it I nearly choked on a tapioca boba from my Dragon tea.

Jaquelib:  Me had a conversation yesterday with my fear.

Now forget about the content for a second. I couldn’t figure out why using the object form of the 1st person was less self indulgent than using the subject form of the 1st person. It seemed to me she was equally self involved but with the grammar and syntax of primitive man. I pulled myself together.

Jon David: What did your fear say?

It said me is your friend and me is necessary for spiritual growth. So embrace me like you would a friend.

Apparently Fear was conducting the same grammatical experiment. What followed was the biggest series of 1^st date “over-shares” ever recorded in modern dating history. Here’s a small sampling.

Me knows that me is not very smart. This emerald encrusted gem of self-esteem was followed shortly thereafter by….me’d like to have children as soon as possible. Now my heart was open but I must confess I am in no hurry to have stupid children.

With each new share her external beauty dissipated, or at the very least lost its relevance..

My parents were both alcoholics so me have that gene in my family.

Me doesn’t know what my passion is.  Me used to be promiscuous.

She also told me that she had been writing a series of letters to her father from her six-year-old self. She would write them left handed. This would transport her back to a place of rudimentary thinking and expression so that she could truly gain access to how she felt about her father when she was a child.

I was beginning to have a conversation with my Fear, except my Fear was morphing into Sadness and then slowly into Regret.  And Regret was telling me to be careful when writing this article. Jaquelib was sad, and it was real. She was wounded and she was lost. I know what that feels like. Everybody does. And if anyone says they don’t, they are liars..

This didn’t have anything to do with politics. It didn’t have anything to do with being a liberal or a conservative. It had to do with being a human being, and frankly, I felt badly for her and hoped that whatever path she chose, she’d eventually find her box in the sand.

So I listened. Maybe I even looked for her loving essence, but I didn’t feel the need to bring up my political affiliation. It would not have served any purpose.  I knew I would never buy what she had already purchased so blindly and enthusiastically from the Culps.

But there is a lesson here. Redistribution, whether it be emotional or financial, doesn’t work. We should not be forced to share. Americans are kind-hearted people. Hard working and generous people. We do the right thing. We give to charity. We help elderly ladies across the street. We don’t need to be forced to share nor should we be stripped of our individuality.  We need to hold on to our identities because the collection of the unique is what makes this country so amazing.

Kool-Aid tastes good. It goes down smoothly and needs no chaser. It’s easy to understand why someone would reach for the glass. It’s more difficult to understand how and why somebody would serve it.

A few days later, I was reflecting on the date…my fingers hovering over the keyboard indecisively…the phone rang. What I thought was an automated recording was actually a real-life staff member from the University following up with me to see if I’d be interesting in pursuing a degree in spiritual psychology.

Respectfully, me declined.

“My Weekly Date with a Liberal” is sponsored by

“American Heart” available at iTunes

–

Note: No Koreans were harmed during the making of this video… Unless you count South Koreans. Then there were probably thousands of them hurt through oppression and starvation. Bear witness, folks!

At the same time, dictator Kim Jong-Il rattles his puny saber and threatens that if any of his ships carrying nuclear materials to other rogue nations are stopped on the high seas, he will consider it an “act of war.”  Well, gee… There was a time not too long ago when the kidnapping of American nationals would have, in itself, been considered an “act of war.”  I imagine that had Teddy Roosevelt or even Ronald Reagan been at the helm when Kim Jong-Il took two American nationals hostage, the response would be quite different.   More likely it would have gone along the lines of: “You have 24 hours to return our citizens before we start obliterating your military bases – one every hour until the hostages are set free.  If we run out of military bases and you still continue to hold them then, unfortunately, we’ll have to start on your cities.  Have a nice day.”  Then, like any good parent, we would follow through with our pledge.

The United Nations, that feckless and ineffectual cesspool of corruption would, of course, raise a momentary wail of crocodile outrage which would die down in a week or two as the world breathed a collective sigh of relief in the knowledge that the North Korean regime had finally been put in its place.

“Oh, but they now have nuclear weapons and will start a nuclear war,” you say.  I doubt it and here’s why:  Nuclear bombs are very difficult and expensive to make.  North Korea has tested two of them.  Those tests were separated by several months, which indicates that they are still very much in the development stage.  The first one was very low yield and may not have even been a nuclear detonation at all.  By way of historical comparison, when we were at war with Japan, after an unprecedented amount of expense and effort we had amassed an arsenal of exactly three nuclear bombs.  The first one we tested in the Nevada desert and the next two were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  At that point we had shot our entire nuclear wad.  It was only because the Japanese believed we had more bombs that they decided it was better to surrender. This points to the likelihood that North Korea, at present at least, doesn’t have a big stockpile of nuclear weapons.  Nor do they have any sort of reliable missile delivery system in place that could be geared up in time to give them much clout.  Finally, our military technology is so vastly superior that, at present, they pose little substantive threat to our allies or us.  The important words to remember are “at present.”  The more time we give them, the more likely they are to make themselves into a far more significant menace.

But, so much for fantasies. We now live in kinder, gentler times. Pipsqueak lunatics with over-inflated egos like Kim Jong-Il are permitted to boss the U.S. around with their grandiose threats.  So, thanks to our President and State Department dithering around trying to find just the right words to cajole Kim Jong-Il into giving back our journalists, their plight has petty much dropped off the radar.  It has been replaced by our Fearless Leader’s desire to immediately socialize health care before any debate can be mustered and his highly principled stand on making sure the FDA regulates the evils of tobacco.

In keeping with our new, more soothing approach to tough foreign policy decisions, I would like to suggest an alternative tactic for getting our two young journalists back.  Al Gore, who employs them at Current TV, has indicated he is willing to personally plead for their release.  If he does go to North Korea, I propose a swap.  Let’s trade Al Gore for Euna Lee and Laura Ling.  Just think of all the wonderful results that could come of it!  We wouldn’t have Uncle Al jetting around promulgating his crackpot Global Warming hysteria in public any longer.  On his days off from rock breaking he could even try convincing the North Korean establishment to go green and sink money into the alternative energy companies he stands to make millions from.  Kim Jong-Il would be far happier having a real celebrity in captivity and even our own broadcast media could make it into an entertaining spectacle.  I can see it now: “Nightline – Day 4,327 – Al Gore Held Hostage!”  Maybe some good can come of this situation after all.

The shame for Bush’s whatever-he-did-every-day was palpable by the left. Ask your favorite lefty what Bush did right and they’ll likely only talk about his help with the Africa AIDS epidemic, and even then it was probably just to look good to all of those voters who are Africans with AIDS. They were ashamed of his Texas-ness, his swagger and for the first time we declared that “go-it-alone” wasn’t an American quality. Somehow, Kim Jong-il would be better under Obama. We would talk together, and he would listen. But Kim Jong-Ronery has upped his missile launches since Bush left office.

I’m still trying to figure out how Obama will blame Bush for the eventual missile attack on South Korea. The problem will not start with the Clinton administration, because we already learned from the college professors that bad things happened between 1980 and 1992, then nothing bad happened for 8 years. Then every evil in the world resumed between 2000 and 2008. I know we’re still not supposed to criticize the White House until the world’s longest 100 day honeymoon ends in 2012.

Given Obama’s failures, why does the left still feel a resounding victory just with Obama showing up? Because it was never about policies, given Obama’s speech to the Muslim world was so similar to Bush’s hand wringing that one wonders if they had the same speech-writer. We’re told that just Obama’s tone, his presence, his smooth leadership style is what makes the sale. But nothing is better with this president. Is this why he ran on Hope because that’s all I’m gonna get for four years?

I’m not impressed with his tone. I’d take great policies with horrible tone at this point. He reminds me of the Mommy-in-Chief promising to coddle every wound…real or perceived. He reaches out to apologize to Muslim countries I wasn’t aware we had sinned against. If anything, those governments should apologize to us for not being as great as America. Every country should apologize to their citizens for not being as great as this country. 

The Bush/Cheney policy was classic hawkism–that it’s better to be feared than loved. But who fears President Obama? All he needs is a powdered wig to go along with the beauty mark. Sure, he had the balls to shoot a teenage Somali pirate in the face but does he have steel will where we really need it, to take out the Kim Jong-Il family in the middle of the night? What regime in the world today is evil enough for him to change it? Tehran? Darfur?

Elites get real tough on enemies that don’t actually look you in the eye. They can talk real tough against big bad climate change because he won’t speak against them and blow up their embassies. President Obama took no time in his address to the Muslim world (Really? To every Muslim in the world? Will you ever address the Christian world?) to directly oppose Ahmadinejad. This is the new tone we’re all so excited about. Cowardice. Nuance. In the end I think the left just didn’t like a cowboy in the White House…just like the last one they hated.

Bin Laden has released another tape, Russia expands influence both in China and Europe all of whom lick their lips that a Chicago lawyer who loves being photographed in a swimsuit Jesus’d his way into the most powerful leadership position in the world. Fine we have a new tone. That’s a victory of astounding trivia.

Any man who’s ever spent time in a schoolyard understands exactly what North Korea is trying to pull. They’re shoving us. They are flicking the jab outside by the monkey bars trying to see what we’re made of.  It’s the age-old “alpha male” ritual that every man has come to experience at some point in his life.  The peculiar thing is that North Korea isn’t even big or strong enough to be the schoolyard bully. North Korea is really just the kid who decided he’d be “all out crazy” hoping people would be scared off by the tirades and avoid stepping up to the plate.  The sad thing is it’s been working. Even sadder is that without the proper action, North Korea just might end up being “that kid” who shoots up the school.

With the U.N doing nothing more than disapproving of North Korea’s recent monkey business, and the United States no longer giving the council their OWN teeth, it looks as though the “adult supervision” has completely left the schoolyard.  It’s turned into a proverbial “Lord of the Flies” situation out there… And we’re not even holding the conch.

For crying out loud, the U.N. condemned the missile launches, demanded an apology, and then North Korea demanded the U.N. apologize for demanding an apology… No, this isn’t an Abbot and Costello routine, and there is no punchline. This is actually happening. How anybody could take the U.N. even remotely seriously after this one, I’ll never understand.

Right now, it’s time for somebody to step up to this tiny, nutty little tyrant and shove him back. Better yet, why doesn’t the United States reprise it’s role as the “global parent” and take charge of the situation altogether. I remember the days when we had a president willing to do just that. Apparently though, having the cojones to do the right thing isn’t worth the harm it does to the United States’ international relationships. We’re supposed to appease dictators, not hurt their feelings, remember?

Folks, the time has come and gone for pointing the finger and threatening a “time out.”  I say that the hour has come to start hand-delivering a good old-fashioned spanking. Who’s with me?

Oh, and since we’re doling them out… Tack Sean Penn onto the list.

Even the Mighty KOS can’t hold them at bay.

You won’t find any of that disaffection in the Vein Stream Media, of course. Just as you’ll find none over people eating tree bark in Kim Jong-Il’s PR machine, and for the same Dear Leader reasons. But the press can cheerlead President Obama all it wants. It is the political base that matters, the grassroots networks upon which all fundraising, canvassing and voting is dependent.

And unless I’m completely mistaken, the President’s grassroots political base is, and will be, experiencing a number of earth-shaking political tremors in the days, months and years to come. Pick an issue, any issue. Gitmo? Having trouble there. Military tribunals for detainees? Ran against them, supporting them now. You know. Kinder, gentler violations of international law.

The release of torture photos? Sure! Umm, wait a second. Habeas Corpus for Bagram detainees? Habeas this. Skyrocketing domestic NSA intercepts, beyond even the limits set by Congress? Who, us? How about the prosecution of Bush-era war criminals? That might be kinda dicey, since many now consider the President a war criminal for the same reasons as Bush.

How about gay rights? Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which candidate Obama ran against? Don’t ask Daneil Choi! Support for gay marriage and same-sex rights issues? Still in the closet, with Daniel Choi. What did gays expect? Why do gays consider Obama a gay rights hero, when his policies on gay marriage and DADT are no different from President Bush’s or Clinton’s? When has Obama ever given his unqualified support to gay issues? Prop 8? Don’t think so.

Obama could overturn DADT tomorrow with an executive order. Why doesn’t he? He promised to.

Tax hikes? How about Whoopi Mania? I’m sure more than a few Democrats attended the Tea Parties as well. They don’t all have trust funds or big Hollywood salaries, you know. But Whoopi Goldberg does, and even she’s hollering to the skies about it.

So those are the details, and it’s only going to get worse. But that’s what happens when idealism runs into reality. What if President Obama can’t close Gitmo by next January? What happens when military tribunals are cranked up again for Gitmo detainees? Or if the President uses executive privilege to prevent the release of torture photos? Do the jumpsuited protesters start chaining themselves to the White House fence again? Will Obama become the new American Hitler?

Will gays start protesting as President Obama totally ignores the issues that concern them most, as he has to date? Will the President even move to act on stopping the Holocaust of gays in Iraq, yet another issue that is beginning to inflame American gays, considering it is happening on our dime and watch? If we broke Iraq and it is ours to fix, as Gen. Colin Powell stated, what of this major breakage, which Newsweek called “Don’t Ask, Do Kill”?

Can’t blame all this stuff on Bush now. He’s watching Ranger games in Texas. And waiting to be called up for those long-awaited war crimes trials, though I wouldn’t recommend that the former President give up his season tickets just yet.

I. for one, am certainly not disappointed. In fact, I’m elated! But I’m not a liberal Democrat, either.

Announcer

Live! From the fabulous Turtle Bay Ballroom at United Nations Headquarters, it’s the Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!

(orchestra fanfare: ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’)

With Pyongyang funnyman Kim Jong-Il! Borscht Belt headliner Vlady Putin! Queen of Mean Liz Windsor! Saudi Sheik of Schtick King Abdullah! Beijing jokeslinger Hu Jintao! Wacky al Qaeda Caveman Ayman al-Zawahiri! Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy! Sassy Wanda Sykes! South-of-the-border slapstick team Hugo Chavez and the Castro Brothers! Taliban Madman Mullah Omar! Jon Stewart! Lovable Libyan lush Muammar al-Ghadaffi! Grovelin’ Guvner Gordy Brown! Bashar “The Chin” al-Assad! The Hamas Fattah Dancers! And starring your Master of Ceremonies — that suntan man with a plan from Iran — that Persian with a nuclear perversion — Sheckyyyyyy Ahmedinejad!

(applause)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay, okay, pipe down. Let’s get this thing over with, this straitjacket is a rental and my magic carpet is double-parked on East 43rd. Mohamed H. Prophet, will you get a load of the evil on the stage tonight? I haven’t seen this many bombs since Janeane Garofalo played the American Legion convention.

(Zawahiri spit-take)

At least there aren’t any Zionist. Hey, wait a minute – there’s Jon Stewart! Oy vey, who let the Jew in? This is a comedy event, for Allah’s sake. Hey Jon, do you know what I have in common with Taco Bell? We’re both gonna give you the gas.

(Jon Stewart mugs Macaulay Culkin ‘Home Alone’ face)

But, hey, enough about these losers. Let’s talk about the man we’re all here to honor tonight: my pal, Barack Obama.

(applause)

What a mensch this guy is. Total sweetheart. As soon as he was elected, he told me he would come to the negotiating table without preconditions. You know what ‘preconditions’ are? That’s Persian for ‘balls.’ Barack, one look at the stars on the stage proves you still have a knack for community organizing. You’ve brought the entire evil community together, in the spirit of international dialog, to ask you one simple question: how does our ass taste?

(rimshot)

But not everybody has a sense of humor. When I was planning this roast, I sent invitations to every bigshot infidel TV comic in Satanland, but they all turned me down. Was it my holocaust one-liners? My ballistic missile schtick? Nope. These douchebags said they couldn’t think of anything funny about Barack Obama. Not a single thing.

(scattered groans, boos)

Yeah, exactly. I mean what the fuck? Maybe I should get my SAG card, because, come on, this clueless pussy is the biggest gift to international insult comedy since Neville Chamberlain. Holy dung, when we heard the infidels elected him, I almost had to shut down my nuke program. My scientists were laughing so hard they kicked over half of our centrifuges!

(Ghadaffi sprays tea on Assad )

But, no-o-o, all these professional comedy dipshits keep telling me Professor Urkel over here is some sort of infidel sacred joke cow. I called up Letterman, and I’m like, Dave how about a couple Obama zingers for the roast tonight? He’s like, “no, no, too controversial. Everybody loves him.” And so I’m like, how about if I just insult America? So he’s like, “yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

Okay then, here’s one: man, that America is one stupid country.

(audience: HOW STUPID IS IT?)

It’s so fucking stupid it elected Barack Obama.

Hey, hey. I kid because I love. In fact, unlike that last mumblemouth infidel asshole, Barack has been a breath of fresh air to the entire evil comedy community. He doesn’t whine about the way we treat broads or homos or journalist hostages or our uranium stockpiles. Nope. He just smiles, and apologizes, and politely asks us to “unclench our fists.” Hey bro, I’d love to, but that’s kinda hard to do when it’s stuck inside your duodenum.

Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Our first roaster comes from England, where she’s the star of a long running one-woman show at the Buckingham Palace Dinner Theater. Ladies and Martyrs, you know her, you hate her, please welcome the Queen of Spleen, Liz Windsor!

(band breaks into God Save the Queen, applause)

Liz Windsor

Thanks for that swell intro, Shecky. By the way, I know how much you love our infidel nuclear technology, but we’ve got another 1940’s invention you should really check out. It’s called deodorant.

(rimshot)

Listen folks, I know you came here expecting me to start hurling some tasteless insults at Barack Obama. But, seriously, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Barack is almost like another son to me.

(audience: awwwww)

Yeah, another jug eared idiot with a hard-on for horsefaced women. Barack was in London a couple weeks ago and rang me up, asked if he could drop by for tea. So he comes in, and I’m thinking, whoa — those Yanks have really stepped up their space program, he’s brought along a real live Klingon. Turns out it was his wife.

(rimshot)

Yep. Then, oh Jesus, in she starts with all the hugging. And I’m like, fer chrissake, somebody hand Lieutenant Worf a planet Earth protocol guide. Then Barack pops off and says, “hey Your Majesty, I brought a gift.” Okay, I’m thinking, car company? Banking system? National Park? Then I open the box. It’s an iPod. A fucking iPod. Preloaded with Barack’s easy listening speech hits.

(stares at Obama amid nervous laughter)

Yeah, way to cement that special relationship, dumbfuck. Jesus Christ, was Wal Mart sold out of Sham Wows? Oh yeah, that iPod is going in the vault with the crown jewels. Right next to that sack of DVDs you bought for Gordy Brown.

Gordon Brown

Now see here, Your Majesty! I thought that was quite thoughtful gesture, and…

Liz Windsor

Oh, shut the fuck up, Gordy. I don’t come to your job and slap Obama’s dick out of your mouth. Listen folks, my time’s up, and this tiara is chafing like a sonuvabitch. Time for me to lie back and think of England. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Liz Tudor everybody! Hey Liz — word to the wise. Stay out of the London subways this summer. By the way, you know the last thing to go through Princess Di’s head?

Liz Windsor

What’s that?

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Her ass. Next up is another monarch who primogenitured his way to the top — give a hand to that Saudi royal with a buttload of oil, King Abdullah!

(applause; ‘Desert Caravan’)

King Abdullah

Thanks everybody! Hey, how about that Shecky Ahmedinejad, ladies and gentleman? What a guy, he’d give you the Zanjeer Zani off his back. Now you know, a lot of people think I got it pretty good being a ruthless hereditary billionaire sitting on top of an ocean of crude oil and the top psycho theme park in the Middle East. But lemme tell you, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. How’d you like to have 37 mothers in-law?

(laughter)

But hey, controlling the world energy supply has its perks. People tend to treat you pretty nice. They offer you thoughtful little gifts and kickbacks. Now, Barack here, for instance, likes to offer blowjobs.

(gasps, ewwws)

What? What? Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the video. Sure, Bush liked holding hands, but he was a total pricktease. But Barack, hey, the guy goes down faster than a fat shaheed on madrassa prom night.

(Putin wipes away tears of laughter as Abdullah slowly pantomimes fellatio)

Now look Barack, I really appreciate the gesture, but regardless of what you might have heard — homie don’t swing that way.

(looks around slowly to banquet table surrounded by burqqa-clad wives)

On the other hand, send me your cell number. I never know when I’ll need a booty call. Good night folks, drive safely! Unless you’re a woman.

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Now that’s what I call crude humor. Our next performer has been called everything from the Andy Kauffman of international relations to the Gilbert Gottfried of the global nuclear club. Gird your loins for the annoying, far-out, certifiably insane comedic stylings of Kim! Jong! Il!

(applause; ‘They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Ha’)

Kim Jong Il

(walks slowly over to Barack Obama and leans into his face)

Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you! Does this bother you? I’m not nuking you!  Does this bother…

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay orderlies, cart him away. Jeez, and I thought I was nuts. Let’s bring it down a notch with a set from my dear old friend and original cast member of al-Qaeda’s Friday Night Live, Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri!

(applause, ‘911 is a Joke’)

Ayman al-Zawahiri

Thank you, thank you. What a panel we got here, huh? I haven’t seen this many sick assholes since I was doing proctology rounds at Cairo General.

(Ahmedinejad spit take)

And there’s our man of the hour, Mr. Barack fuckin’ joke thief Obama. Havin’ fun, buddy?

(Obama smiles nervously)

Listen pal, maybe I live in a cave, but I read the papers. Strafing Manhattan in a 747? Really? In case you didn’t notice, I was doing that routine like eight fucking years ago. I mean, what are you, Carlos fucking Mencia?

(Obama smiles nervously)

What’s the matter? Teleprompter got your tongue?

(Obama smiles nervously)

Holy scimitar, this fuckface couldn’t ad lib a fart. Listen, Barack, I appreciate all the reach-arounds, but if you don’t stop stealing my material I swear to Allah I’m gonna sic a copyright lawyer on your apostate ass. As soon as I can find one who isn’t a Jew. Goodnight folks, you’ve been a great audience! Death to America!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Ayman al-Zawahiri, everybody! If you’re in Swat this weekend, make sure you catch his act at the Khyber Pass Inn. Our next performer comes from the exotic Orient where he works the Forbidden City Casino. Ladies and Gentleman, the man with the biggest bankroll and smallest dick in international show biz, Mister Hu Jintao!

(applause, ‘Slow Boat to China’)

Hu Jintao

Yeah Confucius say fuck you, you third rate unibrow rug dealer. Don’t make me open a can of one-child-policy on your smelly Persian ass. You’re no Long Dong Wang yourself, and at least mine isn’t covered in camel crap. Hey everybody, how’s it goin’?

(applause)

And how about that Barack Obama. What a prince, huh? The most generous man in show biz.

(applause)

Yep. Generous to a fault. With my money. What? You think all those big tips he throws around come out of his own pocket? Just the other day he called up and said, “hey Hu, how about spotting me a couple trillion till next tax day?” And I’m like, what, does Aunt Esther need another pair of sneakers? And he goes, “no, I got a Social Security payment due.”

I’m like, dude — what happened to that last trillion I lent you? Get this: the stupid fucker spent it on a beat up Cadillac for his union buddies. So I say, look, I’m a little short right now. I’ll catch you at your 30-year treasury bond garage sale. Then the next week he’s like, dude, where were you?” Ah so, round-eye! No tickee, no thirty!

Yeah, that ain’t the half of it. Not only does this asshole expect me to be his personal ATM and pawnshop, he’s always calling up bitching about something. Just the other day, he’s like, “come on Hu, how come you keep busting my balls with your naval drive-bys?” I’m like dude, you’re 3 months overdue on your aircraft carrier payments. Those aren’t Chinese navy boats, those are repo men!

Look folks, I gotta get back home and churn out another load of defective plastic crap for Wal Mart, to make some money, to lend to Barack for some new idiot free bullshit program. Christ, and they call me a Commie! ‘Night everybody, and please remember to thank your designated tank driver.

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Hu Jintao! Toxic Choking Hazard Toy Industry’s Man of the Year, everybody! Hu Jintao. Next we have that crazy Caucasian from across the Caucasus, that Gremlin from the Kremin, 15-time winner of KGB Entertainer of the Year, Vlady Putin!

(applause)

Vlady Putin

Tank yous Shecky! Tank yous very much. Ho boy, it is good to be in America! I love America, is great country. It is land of free! Not like my country. In my country, whole government run by corrupt communist thugs. They ignore the laws. They take over companies and give the money to their friends. America is very totally different! It has 110 volt outlets.

Haha! Vlady make funny everybody! Hey Barack, you teach Vlady how to nationalize the banks, hokay?

Best thing about America is everybody is so very very nice. Especially the President Barack! He is complete pussycat. Pussy, pussy, pussycat. He loves Vlady’s practical jokes. I kick his Air Force out of Kyrgyzstan he say, hokey dokey, Vlady! Then I fly my bombers right over his ships, and he sends fat babushka lady to give me a funny reset button gag gift. I say, hey Barack, what Vlady gotta do to make you mad? He say, “just don’t go to no tea parties, hokay?”

What a country! Because Barack be so nice to me, now I want to sing him a nice American song from the Hoagy Carmichael.

(Vlady pulls out balalaika and tunes up)

Georgia, Geor-or-orgia… no peace can I find… it’s just them old sweet tanks that keep Georgia on my mind.

Tanks everybody! Take it easy on the Vodka!

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Vlady Putin, everyone! Okay, our next performer is a good ol’ country boy from the hills of Waziristan, where he emcees the weekly Grand Ole Stoning show at the Wana Goat Corral. Let’s give it up for Mullah Omar!

(applause; Theme From ‘Deliverance’)

Mullah Omar

Thanks Shecky. When Shecky asked me to do this gig, I was like, what the fuck? Dude, I’m a fucking Taliban, I know as much about comedy as Perez Hilton knows about vaginas. So he says, “don’t worry. I lined up this professional infidel comedian to write your bit.” I’m like, oh yeah? And he’s like, “yeah, her name is Wanda Sykes.” And I’m like, a broad?  And he’s like, “Trust me, Barack loves her. She totally slays the infidels.”

Okay, you know I’m down with that. So then this Wanda shows up at my cave yesterday with a stack of cue cards with her jokes. And I’m like, bitch please — put on a fucking burqqa. So I’m doing the read-through, and every gag is about killing some guy named Rush Limbaugh. So, I’m like, who the fuck is this Limbaugh guy? I thought this gig was supposed to be about Obama. And she goes, “he’s a fat radio Nazi who hates Blacks and Jews and gay people.” And I’m like, hey, sounds like my kinda guy. And she’s like, “exactly!” And I’m like, why would I want to insult somebody I agree with? So she says “because he’s for the war, dumbass.”

And so at this point I’m pretty fucking confused. So I say to her, okay, now I think I get it. This fat guy is funny because (a) he supports Obama’s crusade against us, even though (b) he and I are on the same page, homo-killing-wise. The funny is from the irony or something. And she’s like, “no, idiot! Barack wants to stop the war.” So I’m like, wait a minute… Barack is against the war? Then why is he still running it? Besides, I though he actually likes homos. And she goes, “He does, you retard! That’s why he’s going to end the bombing and leave you alone.”

Now I’m even more confused. So I go, look Wanda, maybe I’m not up on your infidel inside jokes, but this material is really gonna bomb in front of a shaheed audience. So she gives me that look and says, “okay, you cracker ass cracker, why don’t you show me what you people think is funny?” Long story short..

(Omar reaches down behind podium and pulls out Wanda Sykes’ head)

Hey Wanda…here’s your sign.

Alluha Akbar, y’all!

(Omar walks back to his seat, tosses the head to Hugo Chavez who puts it on his hand, muppet style)

Hugo Chavez

Saright?

Wanda Sykes’ Head

Saright!

(Abdullah falls out chair in helpless laughter; Fidel Castro stares in comatose deadpan)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Mullah Omar, everybody! Now that’s why they call him the king of prop comedy!

Okay folks. Now, it’s time to hear from the man who’s been sitting here all evening, silently absorbing all our insults. Here’s his chance to get a little payback! Ladies and Dictators, please welcome our esteemed man of the hour, leader of the infidel world, and the only man in the room who doesn’t realize he’s way over his head — President Barack Obama!

(standing ovation; ‘Hail to the Chief’)

Barack Obama

Lemme tell ya, I don’t get any respect.

(torrential screams of convulsive uncontrollable sustained laughter; Sarkozy falls backwards in chair; Omar wipes tears away while shooting AK47 into air; Abdullah pantomimes fellatio; Castro stares comatose; Vlady pilots toy airplane above Obama’s head; Kim and Shecky take turns punching gag missile launch button; Jon Stewart mugs look of horror)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

That’s all the time we have tonight! Thanks to all the performers, and Barack Obama for being such a good sport. See you at the next Rat Pack of Evil roast, when we move to the fabulous Boom Boom Room at the Radioactive Crater Resort in Downtown Jerusalem! Goodnight 12th Imam, wherever you are!

In the early 1980s, my military service brought me to some of the darker corners of the world. I spent time in South Korea and Marcos’ Philippines when both countries were under martial law. Knowing I could be shot just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time really woke me up to what exactly it is we have here in America. Seeing a thousand Vietnamese Boat People pulled out of the South China Sea in one day only reinforced my belief in America, Sweet Land of Liberty.

Today, the Party of Lincoln and Reagan appears to be in political disarray, which is why I am writing this OpEd now. Yet many promising developments, along with some huge mistakes by Congress and the Obama Administration, have opened many new doors for us. If only we will enter.

I know not all conservatives and Republicans will agree with my recommendations. But perhaps by throwing this all out there, you will realize as I do that a major debate on the direction of the party, in this exciting and danger-fraught age of the New Millennium, is not only necessary but vital if we are to survive as a viable political entity in America. So, On With The Show.

LOVE OF AMERICA: I don’t know about you, but I was totally disgusted with President Obama’s shameless Apology Tour around the world. Apologize to Europeans, on whom we’ve spent untold oceans of blood and treasure to rescue and defend over a century? Apologize to banana republic dictators like Chavez and Ortega in Latin America? To allow them  to slander us as Imperialists, even as they oppress their own peoples? How am I supposed to feel proud as an American now?

Spike Spencer’s OpEd “When In Rome, Fight Anti-Americanism” really sums it up for me. We Republicans and conservatives need to be a lot more vocal on what we and America really stand for and represent, i.e. the “Shining City on a Hill,” as Reagan so eloquently put it. We are not the Great Satan. Not by a damn sight! Liberals may be content to prostrate themselves contritely before dictators. I am not, as I am sure many of you aren’t. I certainly know now Spike Spencer isn’t.

We need more Spikes! And we need to be a lot more specific and vocal on exactly why it is we all love America. Those words and specificity will stand in stark contrast to the relentless America-bashing by liberal Democrats and the Left. Don’t just tell people we love America. Tell them why.

There really is no shortage of reasons. The Marshall Plan ring any bells? Indonesian Tsunami aid, which our Marines even disarmed themselves to deliver, going above and beyond the call? And forget the Left and the Obamamedia. Most Americans really do eat that stuff up. It’s called pride, love of America and self-respect, character traits that are as foreign to Lefties as clean underwear.

–

BIG GOVERNMENT: James Madison famously stated “if men were angels, government would not be necessary.” Conversely, if governments were angels, detractors like us would not be necessary. But big government is far from angelic. In fact, it is outright demonic in many ways, trampling the rights of citizens over the most trivial and insignificant of matters. The larger government grows, the smaller we become, and the more government becomes our master instead of our servant.

We need to promote the outright slashing of the black hole money pit that our government has become, as well as its wholesale reduction. It is also a major sore spot with many Americans when Democrats like John Murtha get massive funding for airports in the middle of nowhere that just happen to bear his name. We need to root out all those pork projects, put them on full public display, and slam the President and the Congress without mercy or relent on them

Make them campaign issues. Voters are not partial to politicians who glut themselves at the trough of our tax dollars in order to aggrandize themselves. We need to hammer Democrats on this issue without quarter, as they slam us on so many issues. The recent Tea Parties were a very good start, but that shotgunning approach now needs to be focused on specific targets.

It seems a very good time to me to resurrect Sen. William Proxmire’s Golden Fleece Award in full measure. Don’t just tell the public the Democrats are wasting public tax dollars. Slow them where. Sen. Proxmire’s own prime example of the Department of Education spending $219,592 in a “curriculum package” to teach college students how to watch television is a real model of what to do.

Let’s use those examples as needles with which we can pin liberal Democrat butterflies under the political glass for all to see. Like the deserted and overfunded John Murtha Airport, they won’t be very hard to find. The real difficulty will be deciding on which outrageous pork projects to choose!

–

FOREIGN POLICY: I am a total Reaganite in this regard. Yet it is Democrat John F. Kennedy who summed up my feelings best on this subject in his Inaugural Address:

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.”

President Obama’s may as well have read like this:

“Let every nation know that we are sorry, and do not wish them ill, no matter how much ill they wish on us. We will pay any price in pride and self-respect, bear any insult, befriend any mortal foe, in order to assure my reputation as a nice guy. I’m not like the other one. And thank you for not blaming me for things that happened when I was three months old.”

The current Obama Administration is dropping the ball everywhere on this, particularly Sudan. Not only is George Clooney unhappy with the present inaction by the government, Mia Farrow is now on a 21-day hunger strike over the situation in Sudan. Even rank liberals have expressed a desire to use whatever means necessary to stop the Sudanese genocide in Darfur, including military action.

I say we oblige them. Omar Bashir is now an international fugitive, and is still committing his genocide unabated and with impunity. We should demand the Sudanese government turn Bashir over to the ICC and stop their genocide or face all-out war. And if we must go it alone, or in tandem with other willing nations, it wouldn’t be the first time. There is right and there is wrong.

Which would be worse in the end? Wiping out Sudan’s genocidal regime and military infrastructure? Or standing by while yet another quarter-million Darfurians are exterminated? Some things are far worse than war. Like Auschwitz, for example. And Darfur.

Iran also needs a spanking over Roxana Saberi. If I were president now, I would give Iran’s thugocracy 72 hours to turn over Roxana, or we cut off their gasoline. See how fast they act when they’re looking at more gas rioting. And if that don’t work, warm up the B-52s and start wiping out their terrorist training camps and nuclear facilities, for starters.

Here’s how a REAL American president should speak and act with regard to the safety of American citizens abroad. Not that you’ll ever hear it from Carter II. Speaking of which. Hollywood Diplomacy isn’t working. Never has. And even liberals at HuffPo are now wondering why President Obama isn’t protecting American citizens abroad. How bad is that?

Neither should we. If dictatorships want to play, let them know that they’ll pay. That won’t happen with this government, of course. But it doesn’t mean we can’t express our vehement opinions on the subject, in stark contrast to the president’s. As I’m doing here. And have been.

We must also continue to win allies and new friends around the world with our generous aid, friendship and even protection. Though the press didn’t cover it much, President Bush was welcomed as a hero in Eastern Europe and Africa. Conversely, Poland, once very happy with Bush, is not in the least with the reneging Obama.

A strong Republican president can make an impact where it really counts. We can do nothing about those nations and people that despise us, even in our own country, except to point out how wrong they are. Repeatedly. And with the force of our convictions, and the overwhelming evidence of American generosity, good will and even heroism that cannot be denied.

–

GAY RIGHTS: The Democrats are absolutely murdering Republicans on gay rights. The GOP’s vehement opposition to the recent Matthew Shepherd Bill, supported far and wide by LGBTs and even law enforcement, was a fatal mistake, and only served to alienate the millions of LGBTs in America even further from the GOP, and drive them all straight into liberal Democrats’ arms yet once again. It was a huge symbolic victory for liberal Democrats, and a terrible political defeat for us.

I know many conservatives and Republicans find homosexuality distasteful, gay marriage even more so. Yet they’re here, they’re queer, and they ain’t goin’ nowhere. And they are an incredibly rich, powerful and numerous political force in America, with the power to propel candidates into office or sink them for good. I’d sure like a real shot at winning races in San Francisco! Don’t you? Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who share our core values there, even gays. But they will never vote R as things stand today vis-a-vis gay rights in the GOP. Let’s give them reasons to cast those R votes.

Republicans need to wake up to the realities of gay life in America. Gay marriage is fast becoming a reality, as it may soon may be in my home state of New Hampshire, and will no doubt be a nationwide reality in the next decade. That’s a fact. On gay rights, we conservatives and Republicans are the political mammoths of the modern age. If the caveman liberal Democrats are not spearing us and feasting on our flesh, we are sinking into political tar pits of our own making.

We must wake up to the reality that gay Americans are a political force to be reckoned with. We continue to ignore that very basic and profound political reality at our own peril. We could also score major political points with LGBTs in one area the Democrats are hopelessly weak on: the horrific persecution of gays around the world, particularly the de facto gay genocide in Iran.

We should begin targeting and denouncing oppressive regimes like Iran’s, Cuba’s and Venezuela’s that persecute, terrorize and even slaughter gays like cattle, as we rightfully should anyway. It would go a long way in bringing many LGBTs into the Republican fold, given Dems’ silence on the issue.

I would even go so far as to punish the Iraqi government in order for them to stop the officially sanctioned persecution of gays in Iraq, which is now rampant and could not be more horrific. What good is freeing Iraq from Saddam, only to allow the present government to facilitate the Al Qaeda-like systematic extermination of Iraqi LGBTs? Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

–

IMMIGRATION: Again, liberal Democrats are beating us over the head with the club of ‘racist’ over the illegal immigration issue. Yet the successful stuffing of the Amnesty bill under Bush, driven by Rush Limbaugh and Herculean grassroots efforts, showed just how strong the undercurrent of opposition to illegal immigration in America really is, even from legal immigrants.

Again, we need not just oppose illegal immigration, but be specific as to why. The purpose of Ellis Island, where millions of legal immigrants were screened for diseases, psychosis and criminal records, has not changed, and should be our model. We welcome legal immigrants from all over with open arms. Always have.

But the protection of public health and safety must be paramount. We must state our case on legal immigration far more forcefully and eloquently than we have to date. I believe millions of Americans, the same who burned up the switchboards in Congress over amnesty, are dying to hear that message. I know I am.

–

THE BORDER: We need to lock the border up as tight as possible without totally restricting the free flow of trade. The Mexican cartels are to blame for Mexican drug violence that is raging out of control, not us, as SOS Clinton would have us believe. It is not Americans slaughtering cops, beheading rivals in Tijuana, or that have made Phoenix the kidnapping capital of the USA. It is the cartels. Those same cartels are using our border as the Viet Cong once used Cambodia’s.

And all that doesn’t even take into account Al Qaeda’s and Hezbollah’s attempts, some successful, in infiltrating our country. We are a nation at war. To continue to leave the Trojan Horse of our open border to stand will get a lot of innocent Americans dead in the end.

–

THE DRUG WAR: I’ve thought of a solution to the drug problem that may not go over very well with Republicans, and may even be more Libertarian in its approach. I say we legalize marijuana like alcohol, tax the shite out of it, and use that money to fight the real hard drug evils, of which cocaine and heroin are the most devastating. Come on! How many regular pot smokers do you folks in Hollywood know? I know dozens! Yet they are all normal and productive citizens who like lighting up after work, as many people like hitting the bars for a drink. Yet another reality we have to face.

What would be better? Continuing to waste billions in resources on stopping pot, which just ain’t gonna happen? Continuing to prosecute offenders and waste court resources on a relatively mild and very popular recreational drug? Or turning the situation around in our favor, as I have recommended? A bold statement, agreed. I seem to be making a career of them these days.

–

CLIMATE CHANGE: The American people are about to be slaughtered with draconian taxes and regulations on Global Warming bills, including Obama’s cap-and-tax scheme that may raise our electric bills by 50%. I already wrote a scathing Big Hollywood OpEd on this discredited Ponzi scheme-like fraud, that may just destroy the economy and our way of life if implemented.

We need to be as forceful with Congress on this issue as we were on amnesty. Bush, McCain and Congress were all for amnesty at that time, but they all knew where their bread was buttered, too. We need to remind them of that fact vis-a-vis The Great Global Warming Swindle.

31,000 scientists signed a petition declaring GW a scientific fraud. But that is not enough. We Republicans, as Reagan did, love the outdoors, and believe in sensible conservation. We much show our Sierra Club side. And speaking of clubs, whenever Lefties and GW Moonies slam us as tools of Big Oil, ask them how Al Gore’s net worth soared from $2M in 2000 to $100M today. Even Big Oil ain’t handing out that kind of money. A most Inconvenient Truth.

–

ABORTION: This is a subject that is very tormenting to me. I despise the mass disposal of human life it represents, yet the issue has touched on me personally as well. Until and unless Roe v. Wade is overturned (and let’s face it, that ain’t happening), we must also accept the reality of abortion in America as a legal right for women. Based on my own troubling experience with this issue, I do not believe sending women back to the days of back alleys and coat hangers is the way to go.

Yet I am also vehemently opposed to such barbaric and Dr. Mengele-like practices as partial birth abortion, or how much organizations like Planned Parenthood have made a cozy, profitable and blatantly corrupt industry out of infanticide on our tax dollars, and with full liberal Democrat support.

Some incredibly cold and inhuman practices by Planned Parenthood have even earned the term ‘black genocide’ by African-American activists. MLK’s niece, Dr. Alveda King, called the sweeping promotion of black abortions Planned Parenthood’s ‘racist agenda’.

A realistic and reasonable approach to yet another established reality in 21st Century America would go a long way in winning many hearts and minds. Conceding the issue of legalized abortion (as we should anyway, it’s been law for 34 years), along with other hot-button issues I have addressed here, could go a long way in winning the GOP many new gay, black and women voters, who may oppose Democrat policies but remain in the party for reasons given. Let’s give them an out.

In addition, by exposing the corruption rampant in the abortion industry in America today, especially regarding the Nazi-like Planned Parenthood practice of mass-marketing the abortion of black babies, we might even win over MLK’s niece. How phenomenal a political victory would THAT be?

IN SUMMARY

Many of you staunch conservatives, Republicans and devout Christians may consider some of my positions blasphemy, far left even. But if you look closely, they are the ultimate in Reaganite political pragmatism. You are all welcome to cling to the rigid and inflexible ideologies of the past. I would much rather accept 21st Century realities, and make some important political compromises and concessions in order to see some semblance of a Reaganite GOP survive, than to stand by and watch liberal left-wing Democrats turn America into a total one-party state. Is that what you want?

I believe my positions on immigration, foreign policy, love of America, reduced government, the border, the fraud of climate change and even the drug war are right in line with what President Reagan’s would have been, and are all hugely popular with millions of Americans. As to gay rights, abortion and the legalization of marijuana, I am merely facing the realities of the America we live in today. Those realities cannot be denied, any more than the brutal realities of today’s Islamist Iran can be denied by liberal Democrats.

Some adjustments on those latter issues must be made for the times, or we risk losing any future control over the former for all time, in Quixotic battles with windmills that will eventually rend us asunder politically. On the issue of abortion, a great deal of reform can be pursued in purist fashion that may even win us throngs of new female and black voters, if they see that our concerns on partial birth abortion and Planned Parenthood’s targeting of the black community for boffo business are genuine and real, and not just political camouflage to undermine freedom of choice.

Gay rights are now a 21st Century reality that should be accepted in full by both parties, as many issues like civil rights are now. To remain at odds with the tremendously powerful and hugely influential American gay community is to be like the hardline segregationists of old, who alienated every black American. It can only result in even more truckloads of votes and cash being queued at the DNC loading dock. Votes and cash we can ill afford to forego. I don’t want that. Do you?

I myself have built many new friendships and bridges to the gay community, both within and without America, in my relentless reporting and dissemination of investigative journalism on the Gay Holocaust in Iran. It is in fact that horrorshow, that Auschwitz for gays in Iran, that has caused me to re-evaluate my own perception of gays everywhere.

My heart breaks to think of how much innocent gays are suffering around the world, and it has stirred a compassion in me that just wasn’t there before. And it pains me to think that GOP representatives in Congress, in their heated opposition to what is in effect a symbolic bill named after Matthew Shepherd, one of America’s most well-known victims of real homophobia, may have burned some of those bridges and friendships for good by the anger and mistrust that kind of opposition inspires. How does that help us in rebuilding the party? Or attracting new voters and supporters?

Sorry. I’m with George Takei on this one.

Supporting gay rights in full measure is the right thing to do. And we have an opportunity here, by attacking the worldwide persecution of gays (which we should do anyway, just on basic human rights principles), to actually become their foot soldiers and heroes, something liberal Democrats are basically MIA on. They’re too busy trying to make friends with the gay butchers of Iran. Just like Chamberlain with Hitler. How many new gay votes do you think THAT would win us?

We can either accept new realities while sticking with the truly core issues that make us who we are, or we can sacrifice their future on the altar of rigid ideological purity. What’ll it be, boys? Yes or no? Many more issues, granted. I just wanted to get the debate rolling. But consider this also. If we make important political compromises as I’ve recommended, think of how many weapons we remove from the leftie liberal Democrat arsenal. They would then be forced to debate us toe-to-toe on all the other major issues outside gay rights and abortion. Those are battles they can never win.

Also let it be know far and wide, in Reagan-like “Let Poland Be Poland” fashion (which the Left also hated, but at least they’re consistent in betraying Poland), that I believe that we should let Fat People Be Fat, Gas Guzzlers Be Gas Guzzlers, Energy Burners Be Energy Burners (like Big Al), Gun Owners be Gun Owners, Hunters Be Hunters, Christians be Christians, Atheists Be Atheists, Straights Be Straights, Gays Be Gays, Tea Partiers Be Tea Partiers (of either party), Franken Be Franken, Moore Be Moore, Rush Be Rush, Beck Be Beck, O’Reilly Be A Factor, Stewart Be Daily, Government Be Small, Immigration Be Legal, and Smokers Be Smokers.

Unlike some people. I also believe we should let mass-murdering dictators like Omar Bashir, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-Il also Be Smokers. ’nuff said. Discuss Amongst Yourselves. And remember, elections are only eighteen months away. Get busy, people!

See you in the next DHS report!

Oh, and did I forget? Let Specter Be Democrat. Was, anyway. And since LibDems have super-majorities now, it seems a great time for the GOP to clean house of all the RINOs that are a left-wing liberal cancer in our party, like Specter was. I won’t go so far as to write a DHS report on them, but we need to show them the door. If they want to be asses, they can do it on Dean’s dime, not ours. We will never get to where we need to go as a party as long as they’re subverting us from within.

To paraphrase President Bush, you are either with us, or you are with the Democrats. Make your choice, Senator McCain. You are free to leave too, if you like. You can either wise up, or push your amnesty bill from the other side of the aisle. We could sure use a hell of a lot fewer John McCains and Arlen Specters, and a hell of a lot more Jim DeMints. Fortunately, McCain may be following Specter shortly, anyway. And for the same reason. Hope Springs Eternal.

Amen, and God Bless America and Ronald Reagan

MAJOR UPDATE: Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring. Obama has a vacancy on SCOTUS now. If Republicans oppose an Obama nominee based on gay rights advocacy or non-extremist pro-choice positions, you can stick a fork in the GOP. And call me an Independent.

I’d rather climb off the mammoth while I can, as opposed to sinking into the tar with it.