While the biased AP apparently only whips out the term “heavily edited” when the institutional left is under fire, it’s difficult to disagree with them on principle, especially when we live in a world where on a daily basis the network nightly news programs, Jon Stewart’s “Daily Show,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, and every facet of the MSM broadcast and publishing world release reports no less “heavily edited” than Rosa and O’Keefe’s initial video releasse. However, unlike Rose and O’Keefe, the mainstream media never allows the public to view the full, unedited material in order to judge the full context for ourselves.

This can and must end today.

With New Media once again leading away, let’s start a new era of responsible journalism that we’ll call The Rose/O’Keefe Standard of Journalistic Transparency, where the insidious practice of “heavily edited” interviews and reporting finally comes to an end. If the mainstream media is as devoted to transparency, truth, and context as James O’Keefe, here are some examples of how it can work….

Within hours of a “heavily edited” broadcast report or interview on the CBS Evening News, Katie Couric and CBS will release online any and all video used to compile that report. Within hours of the Associated Press or Politico releasing an article quoting an interview subject, the AP and Politico will release the notes and/or audio recordings of the full unedited interview. The same with Rachel Maddow, and because he’s The New Murrow and awfully concerned with how the media behaves — Jon Stewart himself should lead the way with the release of the full video of any and all interviews within hours of his wacky editors making the latest “Daily Show” target look like a fool.

Because Mr. O’Keefe and Ms. Rose have led the way in journalistic transparency and taken the first step, as a show of good faith from the MSM in accepting this offer, we call on Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric to release every frame of video involving their 2008 interviews with then Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.

Veritas, anyone?

And now, some are pushing for Hollywood to go beyond these various messages of the past and take a shot at crafting one that fights terrorism by showing how misunderstood Muslims are in the minds of rank and file, xenophobic Americans.

In other words, some in Hollywood (and other aspects of the entertainment industry) are calling for “sitcom diplomacy” whereby a television show can allow Americans to become acquainted with middle eastern families in the same way that so many of us became acquainted with the Brady Bunch and the Partridge Family.

What would Americans learn from such Hollywood propaganda such television programming? According to Middle Easterner and LA Times’ contributor Firoozeh Dumas, Americans would learn that “Middle Easterners come in all shapes, sizes and belief levels, just like every other kind of American.” Moreover, looking back on her own experience growing up as a Middle Eastern in America, Dumas contends such a program could go a long way in lessening America’s suspicion of Middle Easterners by demonstrating that the Middle Easterners she grew up with weren’t terrorists and weren’t even “very Muslim.” (Notice: By contending that Middle Easterners who aren’t “very Muslim” aren’t terrorists, Dumas does nothing to alleviate the fear that radical Islamists, Middle Easterners that are “very Muslim,” thrive on terrorism.)

Of course, CBS News’ anchor Katie Couric thinks it’s a great idea regardless of whether Dumas’ points are valid are not. She even proposes the show be fashioned in a style similar to “The Cosby Show.” Said Couric: “People are afraid of what they don’t know” (there’s the elitist jab at stupid Americans again) “[So] a Muslim equivalent to the Huxtables could be just what the country needs to stay all of this hate in its tracks. ”

Why does the solution to tension between a foundationally-Christian nation like America and Middle Easterners (or any other group) always boil down to helping Americans move beyond hate? Why must we always be depicted as hate-filled bigots by Hollywood elites who are too bigoted to stop and think about the fact that American troops are giving their lives at this very moment to nation-build in Middle Eastern countries like Afghanistan, among other places?

Dumas, Couric, and other members of Hollywood’s movers and shakers who favor this “sitcom diplomacy” really ought to step back, take a deep breath, and understand that radical Islam has declared war on the West, thus our consequent declaration of war (the “War on Terror”) was and is a defensive measure. In this war, there are no actors, directors or stagehands. Our soldiers aren’t pretending to die when struck by shrapnel from an IED (improvised explosive device) nor is it a special effect when Westerners are captured and beheaded on camera by our enemies.

While this isn’t to say that every Middle Easterner condones the conduct of radical Islamists – to say that would be absurd – it is to say that lumping all Middle Easterners together (as Dumas and Couric are doing) and equating our distrust of some of them with a distrust of all them is ludicrous.

While we at Big Hollywood are quick to point out that celebrities can use their soapbox to do some good, but each time they open their mouth to tell us how to behave, they run the risk of losing the magic of their screen persona.  So to help remind you who spoke up on behalf of “all people” this year, here is a rundown of the 10 most asshat celebrity comments of 2010:

———-

10.  When Whoopi Goldberg went on O’Reilly to discuss her reason for walking off The View (i.e. plug her new book Is It Just Me?: Or is it nuts out there?”) rather than defend her position about the world having a “Muslim problem,” the two also touched on the issue of whether a Jewish kid or a Muslim kid is more likely to be bullied in the US because of his religion.  O’Reilly had the facts but like most good, Hollywood liberals, Whoopi just said, “I don’t believe it.”

———-

9. Mel Gibson finds himself on the list for having a long history of racist rants, drunk or not. He gets an extra asshat mention for not checking for a wire when being honest in the face of a Russian.

———-

8. When Hollywood leftists cannibalize one another as if they were a bunch of Troglodytes forced into an out of control Kubrick film, it sends a spool-of-drool to my mouth like a Pavlovian dog. In April, Sigourney Weaver served up this little dish about her showbiz sister Kathryn Bigelow while in Brazil promoting Pocahontas… I mean Avatar.  “Jim didn’t have breasts, and I think that was the reason,” she told told Folha Online, a Brazilian news site. “He should have taken home that Oscar.”

———-

7. After apologizing profusely throughout 2010 for grabbing Taylor Swift’s spotlight at the 2009 Grammys, Kanye West did an about face and complained that, after he dissed her onstage, he was disappointed that Taylor Swift “didn’t have my back.” Why would she have his back? He’s the one who humiliated her!

———-

6. After doing what all celebrity women who can’t maintain a healthy relationship do–buy a child–Sheryl Crow got back up on perch to tell Katie Couric about it for Glamour magazine last June. After Crow complained in the interview that Americans have become too blasé about politics and that nobody has taken to the streets to cause “a riot or a revolution,” Couric correctly pointed to the Tea Party as an example of modern day activism.

“What do you think of the Tea Party movement? Because that is the specific sort of group of people who would say we’re out there, we’re getting involved in the process…” asked Katie Couric.

“I appreciate the fact that those people are out there and that they are fired up,” responded Crow, before adding that Tea Partiers “haven’t educated themselves…they’re just pissed off.”

“My main concern is that [the Tea Party is] really fear-based,” said Crow, a cancer survivor and environmental activist. “What’s coming out of the Tea Party most often, especially if you go onto YouTube, and you see some of the interviews with these people who really don’t even know what the issues are, they’re just swept up in the fear of it and the anger of it.”

“They’re not sure what they’re angry at,” Crow continued. “[T]hey don’t understand what’s happening on Wall Street.”

This from a woman who every year tours the country in custom buses so people can hear music inspired by Eric Clapton, Don Henley, Owen Wilson, and Lance Armstrong.

———-

5. Gwyneth Paltrow said that losing her baby weight after the birth of her second child, son Moses, in 2006, was “by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” the Huffington Post reported on July 11. “It was really hanging on. It was not easy…but I really was seeing results so it motivated me to just work through it,” Paltrow said. She added that her celebrity trainer, Tracy Anderson, helped her lose the weight by having her work out for two hours a day. Two hours a day!  I don’t know any mother with small children that have time or energy to work out for two hours a day.  Oh, but it gets worse.  Paltrow explains: “Every woman can make time–every woman–and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work, and if it’s important to you, it’ll be important to them.

———-

4. As reported by Hollywoodland, Ben Affleck on NPR said, “The banks shouldn’t — people shouldn’t make such a giant profit off just moving money back and forth. And CEOs’ pay shouldn’t be 200 times the average worker. It used to be nine times.”

NPR didn’t ask whether that sentiment about overpayment counts for movie stars that make $250,000 for simply showing up at a casino grand opening.

———-

3. When not backing homophobic and misogynistic rappers on their latest “art” and winning awards from the Gay and Lesbian Community, Pink is thinking about beating her unborn child.  “It’s a great idea to spank your children!” And she’s not just talking about a light tap on the butt, either: “I think parents need to beat the crap out of their kids,” the 31-year-old pop star said to Access Hollywood. “Yes, I think the whole spanking and how it’s all gotten P.C. is just for the birds,” says Pink. Apparently Pink herself got paddled on the butt a time or two as a child by her dad. “Oh, he put me through a wall,” says Pink. “It’s the only reason I’m still here. It’s the only reason I’m still alive.” Thanks Dad.

———-

2. In her self-made YouTube PSA, Kathy Griffin reaches out to young gay teens the way tobacco companies hope today’s youth will bum a “fag,” light up, and pay their future bills. In it, Kathy sympathizes with gay kids stuck in a Bible-belt closet because of evil Republicans practicing trickle-down homophobia. Because Hollywood knows what’s best for everyone, Kathy also reminds us of how wrong Prop. 8 was and how the courts must overturn it. Laws only apply when they favor Hollywood’s agenda; when the law doesn’t and sides with the majority, Hollywood bullies everyone with a differing view. Days later, hosting VH1 Divas Salute the Troops, Griffin decided to bully Bristol Palin about here weight on “Dancing with the Stars,” shedding a light of shame on all young women who struggle with weight issues and don’t have access to personal trainers.

———-

1. Watching The Joy Behar Show on Headline News is akin to watching dead tuna dry in the sun–and the only thing that squashes this tuna melt more is when her guest is the man who inspired the term “jumping the shark.” I’m not sure what tank Henry Winkler’s been swimming in since he starred in that hit movie Heroes in 1977, but I wish he’d stayed there. Winkler, on the show to promote his children’s book that deals with dyslexia, felt the need to debase an American family that’s done nothing to him other than be different. In the clip, Winkler says this about Sarah Palin and her family: “I do know that she is the most articulate person in her family.” He and Joy then go to criticize Palin for living the good life they have enjoyed for many years.

Who are your Hollywood Asshats of 2010?

In the summer of 2007, Sheryl and alleged home-wrecker, Laurie David put together their Stop Global Warming Tour, consisting of a bus, several semi trucks and a private jet; caravanning across the nation, to tell college students to stop wasting energy. Of course, Crow and David weren’t hypocrites because the bus was fueled with leftover french-fry grease.

In the official press release they promised to encourage college students to “Simply Switch” to CFL light-bulbs. But what kind of bulbs does Sheryl use?  Well this was a mystery, until she recently opened her apartment to Elle Magazine. Apparently Sheryy likes her apartment brighter than she is, and CFLs just don’t seem to do the trick.

In her “gallery-like hallway” there is a row of halogen bulbs alongside the right wall to illuminate her cultural appreciation.

In the photo of her bathroom, you can clearly see an incandescent light over her sink, but not a single square of toilet paper. (There are also books all over her house, so it seems she has found a solution to her one-square dilemma.)

In one photo, you can clearly see that the light bulb over her head has been photoshopped out, as if to say that she is out of ideas. It seems someone might have noticed the ideologically contradicting bulb after the photo shoot was completed.

Why did she let photographers take pictures of her light-bulbs in the first place? Either she was to dumb to realize the light bulbs would show, or she was too overwhelmed with vanity to care, when she was approached by Elle with the layout pitch. (Apparently vanity is more than just a bathroom fixture.)

And she is vain. She has never been able to recreate the success of her 1994 hit  “All  Want to Do,” (which shares a title with the Elle article) because she abandoned the people who actually wrote the song. Not only did she steal their songs, she even stole the band’s name as the title of her debut album.

I suspect her recent environmentalist conversion is just milking a little more notoriety out of one hit song. (Ace of Base should have considered Environmentalism.) And Sheryl will probably be riding that wave long after solar panels have been installed over Santa Monica Boulevard.

KATIE COURIC: What do you think of the Tea Party movement? Because that is the specific sort of group of people who would say we’re out there, we’re getting involved in the process and—

SHERYL CROW: I think our system is broken in ways that can’t be fixed at this moment until we get some kind of campaign finance reform and we get people in office who—I think perhaps everybody starts off in office being altruistic and thinking they’re going to make big changes, and then they see the big dollars coming in. I don’t know what it is at the most fundamental level that…you know, what’s first, the chicken or the egg? But I appreciate the fact that those people are out there and that they are fired up.

My main concern is that it’s really fear-based. What’s coming out of the Tea Party most often, especially if you go onto YouTube, and you see some of the interviews with these people who really don’t even know what the issues are, they’re just swept up in the fear of it and the anger of it. They’re not sure what they’re angry at; they don’t understand what’s happening on Wall Street. They haven’t educated themselves, but they’re just pissed off. And I understand that, I’m pissed off too. But knowledge is power, and anything less than that when it comes to anger can be dangerous.

So that’s why we cling to guns and religion!

Hold on there, Sheryl. Let’s wade through these thoughts and reconsider what you’ve said.

1) The tea party movement is fear-based. Nope. It is based on a keen appreciation of individual responsibility and the threat posed by statist policies. That’s why tea party supporters make a point of offering liberty-based policy solutions. If you want to see fear-based activism that’s also fear-evoking, try the SEIU-sponsored storming of a private residence.

2) Some tea partiers don’t know what the issues are. I can’t speak for the level of engagement of every member of the tea party movement, but many are motivated by a strong desire to learn more about the big issues of the day. In fact, a March 2010 Rasmussen survey found that “52% of U.S. voters believe the average member of the Tea Party movement has a better understanding of the issues facing America today than the average member of Congress.” Go to any tea party and you’ll see homemade signs touching on topics ranging from the Constitution, government-sponsored enterprises, monetary policy, and regulatory overreach. Tea partiers know the issues—plus they’ve got great wit.

3) Tea partiers don’t know what they’re angry at. Really? How about corporate bailouts? Runaway government spending? Increasing taxes? Misguided plans to drive up energy costs through cap’n’tax? My colleague John O’Hara wrote the book about issues driving the tea party movement; Crow should give it a scan before she cavalierly dismisses such a wide swath of the American public.

4) Tea partiers haven’t educated themselves. This is off base on so many levels. A February 2010 CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey found that “nearly three-quarters of Tea Party activists attended college, compared to 54 percent of all Americans.” Glenn Beck’s show—watched by many tea party activists—is adding tomes on history and economics to Amazon.com’s best-sellers list. After Glenn Beck featured the economist Friedrich von Hayek on his show, The Road to Serfdom shot to the #1 slot on Amazon.com. Tea partiers are educating themselves, just not with big government dribble.

5) “But knowledge is power, and anything less than that when it comes to anger can be dangerous.” Crow gets this one right—knowledge is power. Active and informed citizens are a force to be reckoned with. The tea party movement’s political potential is scaring the bejeezus out of political fixers who prefer the Obama-Pelosi-Reid status quo. That’s why liberals are working so furiously to discredit the tea party movement in advance of the 2010 elections. The good news is that liberty-based ideas are on the move!

Crow and I are unlikely to see eye-to-eye on tea parties, but it would be refreshing to see Glamour and other outlets regularly feature women who appreciate the genuine grassroots movements supporting economic freedom.

So Mayor Bloomberg proves once again that he may be the dumbest rich man in the world. First, on Monday he speculated on who might be behind the Time Square car bomb. His speculation, which is purely speculative, of course! – was assisted by our nation’s elf, Katie Couric:

Bloomberg: If I had to guess 25 cents, this would be exactly that. Somebody….

Couric: A homegrown….

Bloomberg: A homegrown, maybe a mentally deranged person or somebody with a political agenda that doesn’t like the health care bill or something. It could be anything.

Yep, those folks are so angry at health care reform, that they’re setting off car bombs, left and right. You know, when they’re not running hardware stores, cheating at Scrabble with their neighbors, or playing with their grandkids.

Anyway, if you thought he couldn’t get any dumber, well, you’re wrong, people who thought he couldn’t get any dumber.

Yep, only hours after the arrest of – not a tea partier – but a Pakistani terrorist, Bloomy takes pains to calm our biggest concerns: the threat of backlash against Pakistani or Muslim people.

It was precisely what I was worried about!

“The fact that so many people are out and about in Times Square today, where I just came from, really shows that, and I want to make clear that we will not tolerate any bias or backlash against Pakistani or Muslim New Yorkers.”

God help me.

Look, I get why he said this. He said this, so he can say that he said this.

But look, the threat of backlash is one of the most exaggerated ideas known to modern culture. The mention of backlash, in my mind, must outnumber the actual incidents of backlash by about 3,000 to one. Remember all that 9/11 backlash around Manhattan? Yeah, neither do I.

Seriously, I wish I knew what experiences Bloomy bases his conclusions on. It’s infuriating to see breath and effort wasted on this PC drivel, when it should be focused only on a condemnation of cretins who want to kill all of us. Worse, it’s insulting to ALL OF US, Pakistani’s included.

First Bloomy suggests the car bomber is an American wacko, then he assumes Americans may start lynching innocent folks. Dang – how can a man who has done so well in this country, think our country sucks so bad? He loves running our lives, even as he hates those who live them.

And if you disagree with me, you’re a racist homophobe backlasher.

That overnight sensation belting out the State of Union? None other than me, Barry Obama. Just a scrappy skinny kid from the mean streets of Honolulu with a silky baritone and a pocketful of dreams. Now I’ve got those high rollers eating straight from the ever-lovin’ palm of my hand. Little do they know I’ve got another dream — the craziest heist the D.C. strip has ever seen.

BARRY

Spend me to the moon, and let me play around with TARP,
Give the folks some stimulus so they can all buy cars.
In other words, cut the debt.
In other words, fiscal re-spons-i-bility.

Yeah!

Appropriate that cash, just like you’re Johnny Maynard Keynes,
We need jobs and health care and some light rail urban trains,
In other words, tighten belts.
In other words, ef-fic-i-ency.

Spend meeeeeee (hit it boys) to the moooo-oooo-oooooon!

Look-out-Old-Barry’s-back!

(Crowd cheers)

BARRY
Thanks everybody, you’ve been a wonderful Congress. Remember to tip your lobbyists!

(Amid a shower of roses and panties, Barry sprints to the wings where he is greeted by his managers Twinkletoes Emanuel and Spats Axelrod).

TWINKLETOES
You slayed ‘em, Barry! Just like the old days back on the DNC vaudeville circuit! Listen to dat house go wild. Now get out there and take your curtain call!

BARRY
No dice, Twinky. Rule #1 in fiscal showbiz: always leave ‘em wanting more.

SPATS
Don’t let that ovation go to your head, kid. Remember we’ve got a bigger act to rehearse for. Speaking of which, it’s time to get back to the oval hospitality suite.

EMCEE
Ladies and gentlemen, Barry has just left the theater.

(On the way to the hospitality suite, Twinky and Spats shove aside various autograph hounds and golddiggers)

SHOWGIRLS (Rachel Maddow, Katie Couric, Andrea Mitchell, Helen Thomas, Chris Matthews)
Call us, Barry!

CHARLES GIBSON
Kid, your act is sensational! Stupendous! I want to sign you for an exclusive 52-week network interview contract!

BRIAN WILLIAMS
Scram, Charlie, I was here first! Whatever he’s offering you, I’ll double it!

STEVE CROFT
I’ll triple it!

OPRAH WINFREY
Honey, I’ll give you a blank check… and all the brown sugar you can handle.

SPATS
One side, boys! Call the office on Monday. Barry has some personal business to attend to. 

(inside the hospitality suite)

TWINKLETOES
Phew! I thought we’d never get through those fucking retards.

BARRY
You said it. Say, how about those drinks, Pussycat?

PUSSYCAT PELOSI
Coming right up, Tiger.

TWINKLETOES
Okay wise guys, what’s the big secret? What’s this “new act” business?

BARRY AND SPATS
Heist.

TWINKLETOES
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Nyet. No way, Joe-Say. Do I have to remind you jokers what happened with that Annenberg Challenge caper? We barely got out of that jam unindicted!

BARRY
We got out didn’t we? Besides, that was small potatoes, Twink. What we’re talking about is the biggest heist yet.

SPATS
The biggest in history, baby.

TWINKLETOES
Which is… ?

PUSSYCAT 
The United States Treasury. Okay, that’s one Zima on the rocks for Twinky… one chardonnay spritzer for Spats… and for you, tall dark and handsome, one double Arugula Martini.

BARRY
Did you remember to make it dry?

PUSSYCAT 
Drier than my va-jay-jay, loverboy.

TWINKLETOES
Hey — what gives, youse bums? How come Granma Moses knows more about this caper than me? No offense, Pussycat, but I don’t trust dames. No matter how old they are.

BARRY
Relax, Twinky. Pussycat helped us plan the whole job. We didn’t tell you sooner because of that big filthy mouth of yours.

TWINKLETOES
Okay, okay, so I drop a few inconvenient f-bombs now and then. So sue me for Tourettes. But I’m tellin’ youse guys, you are nuts if you think we can pull a job on the Mint! We don’t have the manpower!

SPATS
You worry too much, Twink. As a matter of fact, We were just about to assemble the whole team right now.

TWINKLETOES
Team? What team?

BARRY
The old Chicago community organizing unit.

TWINKLETOES
The Fightin’ 101st Southside Grifters? Why didn’t you say so… deal me in, Daddy-o!

(montage of Obama’s Eleven getting summoned)

************

(pulpit of Southside church)

PREACHER WRIGHT
God bless America?? No, God DAMN America! The Chickens are coming HOME to… um, I am sorry, brothers and sisters, it’s my goddamn cell. Gotta take this. Whuuuh?! Huuuuhhh??? Praise Sweet goddamn Jesus, Barry, I’m on the next flight out of O’Hare. Bye. Now where was I? Can I get a goddamn A-Men!

************

(Inside the Illinois State Prison)

GUARD
Rezko! Blagojevich!

BLAGO
Whaddaya want, you filthy screw?

FAT TONY
Yeah, we weren’t doin’ nuttin’.

GUARD
Pack up your stuff, youse mugs, You just got pardons from Diamond Pat Quinn. Something about a community service parole with “Project 101,” whatever that is.

FAT TONY
Heh.

BLAGO
Heh heh heh.

FAT TONY AND BLAGO
Hah hahhah hahaha haha!!! Heee ho hahhahah!

GUARD
Shaddup!

************

(A lecture hall at the University of Illinois-Chicago)

“BILLY THE BRAIN” AYERS
… and now, to perform an interpretive dance commemorating Amerikkka’s racism against the indigenous peoples, my wife, Professor Boom Boom Dohrn. Pay close attention, for this material will be on the midterm and… what in the name of Charles Manson is the meaning of this rude interruption? Can’t you see we are learning here!

SECRETARY
I’m sorry Professor, but you just received this emergency telegram from Washington DC. It seemed like it could be important.

BOOM BOOM
It better be — or I’ll stab your eyes out you filthy white bourgeois secretary pig of empire!

BRAIN
Washington, you say? Let me see that… mmblmbm. hmbmlm? mlmbmbm! Alright, class dismissed. But I want those genocide essays on my desk by next Tuesday! Five pages, double-spaced!

************

(A back office the Illinois State Capitol in Springfield)

ALEXI “DAGREEK” GIANNOULIAS
Litsen, my friend, I’m nad ganna wase yer time wid a ladda small tak. I gadda ladda invintory I gadda move, en I’m ready ta wheel en deal. So lemme aks youse, whadda I gadda do to get yer iss into dis fine luxury Illinoise state candract today?

PAVEMENT CONTRACTOR
I don’t know, maybe I should talk it over with my slush fund manager before… is that some sort of dollar sign light in the sky? Outside you window?

DAGREEK  
Holy skata! Dass da signal fer the ol’ 101! Barry must be puttin’ da old gang bick tagedder. Litsen, pal, I gadda go. But call me next week about dat candract, I’ll trow in free unnercoating en a two-year briber’s pertection plan.

************

(inside a Southside confessional)

CONFESSOR
Fergive me fodder for I hiv sint.

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Bless you my son. Now what kind of sinnin’ have you been doin’ then?

CONFESSOR
Let’s see, I tore up Meigs Field wid some bulldozers, dere was that hiert truck ting, and a couple cost overruns at O’Hare. Oh yeah, I took da Lord’s name in vaint.

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Well now. If it isn’t little Richie Daley. Tsk tsk, Richie, what would your late sainted mother say about all of your mischief? Now for your penance I want you to say 10 Hail Marys, 2 Acts of Contrition, and give me 5% of the gross on those truck contracts unless you’ll be wantin’ to see me parishioners picketin’ outside City Hall.

(knock knock)

VOICE
Pssst…. heist meeting tonight at Barry Obama’s.

LITTLE RICHIE
Errr…. was dat message fer me or you?

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Why don’t you take it Richie. I’m picketing against the US military occupation of Haiti this weekend.

************

(Outside Keebler Headquarters, Elmhurst, IL)

JESSE “PUSH” JACKSON SR.
The voices of our community cry out. For too long. the Keebler Company has engaged. in the bigoted policies. of. Jim Crow. Elves of color continue. to be denied. cookie baking. opportunities. Ernie Keebler. must step down. as the tiny cookie cracker Bull Conner. of this. hollow tree. of shame. We call on the community. to boycott. Keebler. until they apologize. with $200,000. in small unmarked. bills.

(aide whispers into ear)

Or. best offer. I must. go now.

*************

(back inside the Oval Hospitality Suite, Obama’s Eleven is gathered around the boardroom table, drinking cocktails and getting neck massages from the Congressional Showgirl Caucus)

BABS BOXER
Refill on that Cosmopolitan, Fat Tony?

FAT TONY
Don’t mind if I do, doll. Make it a double. I gotta hand it to ya Barry, you’ve come a long way since Hyde Park.

DAGREEK
Yeah, dis Washington sure is da life! Maybe I’ll move here somedime.

BARRY
Sorry fellas, it’s time to get down to business. Okay dollies, time to go take a nap.

SHOWGIRLS
Aww!

BLANCHE LINCOLN
Must we, sugar? We were just getting all comfy and cozy-like with your big strong friends from Chicago.

DIXIE LANDRIEU
I do declare, these boys have political muscles on top of their political muscles.

BARRY
You heard me, ladies, scram. Here, take a billion and go buy yourselves some pretty little earmarks.

DIXIE
Oh Barry, aren’t you the sweetest thing! Come on girls, let’s get to K Street before it closes. I’m gonna buy my momma a Tiffany freeway bypass.

BARRY
Dames. Whattaya gonna do.

BLAGO
We appreciate da high roller treatment, Barry, but why don’t you tell us what youse guys got up yer sleeve.

BARRY
Gentlemen, I don’t have to tell you that inside this room sits the greatest assemblage of bag men, shakedown artist, fixers, and demolition experts that Cook County has ever produced. And deep underneath this humble Potomac Casino lies the ultimate whale: the United States Treasury. And, as the headliner in the main lounge, I have the combination. Together, gentlemen, we are going to liberate it.

PREACHER
Tell us something we don’t know, fool! You talkin’ crazy!

BARRY
Crazy like a fox, Preacher. In fact, this job will be like taking candy from a baby. An entire generation of babies.

LITTLE RICHIE
Dat’s what you said about the Olympics caper.

BLAGO
Yeah, dat place is crawlin’ wit dem Tea Party Pinkertons. They got security webcams everywhere!

SPATS
That’s why we’ve cooked up a little wing-a-ding-ding distraction.

LITTLE RICHIE
Distriction?

BARRY
It’s a new bossa nova number we call… shutting the lights off in Vegas.

OBAMA’S ELEVEN
Whuuuh—huhhhh!??

TWINKLETOES
Dat’s right boys. In fact, thanks to Ol’ Brown Eyes here, Glitter Gulch is already running on half power. After Andy Stern and the Nevada SEIU boys go on strike and Barry doobie-doobie-doos another anti-Vegas press conference ballad, then, pow! Lights out, baby.

SPATS
And for a little added insurance, Barry has some emergency stimulus funds for Brain and Boom Boom to do a little deconstruction on Hoover Dam.

BRAIN
Burn baby burn!

BOOM BOOM
Wild, man! I’m hip, I’m hip!

FAT TONY
Like I’m diggin’ your arpeggio, Daddy-O. Keep croonin’.

BARRY
In the confusion, that’s when the rest of you boys get to work. Little Richie is gonna crack the lock. Preacher and Push, you’re gonna back a couple of disguised ACORN buses to the loading dock. The rest of you mugs are gonna make like Teamsters with the forklifts.

DAGREEK
It’s so friggin’ crazy it just might wirk.

BARRY
Gentlemen, a toast to Lady Luck… and to the reuniting of the Rat Pack.

OBAMA’S ELEVEN
To da Rat Pack!

BARRY
Now… (slamming palm on the pool table) who’s with me?

(one by one, Obama’s Eleven stack their hands on top of Barry’s)

******************

(at the Press Conference lounge, where Barry is performing an early dinner show)

SPATS (backstage on lapel mic)
Come in Team O. This is leader base. Sychronize Rolexes at 1900 hours.

(montage of Obama’s Eleven at designated locations, wearing jumpsuits and cat burglar gear)

LITTLE RICHIE
Check.

PUSH AND PREACHER
Check.

BLAGO, FAT TONY, DAGREEK
Check.

BRAIN AND BOOM BOOM
Wild, man!

SPATS (to BARRY)
All systems are go. You’re on, kid.

TWINKLETOES
Ladies and Gentlemen, and media nutsack swingers of all ages, please put your hands together for America’s favorite entertainer, the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Barry Albert Obama!

(thunderous applause)

BARRY

How lucky can America be,
they elected little ol’ me,
Like the fella once said,
Ain’t That a Kick in the Fed?
Your future was completely black,
’til you hugged me and I hugged you back.
Like Soros said quote,
Don’t that make your interest rate float?
Your head keeps spinning;
You go to sleep and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
Your life’s gonna be beautiful.
I’ve stimulus enough to spread;
It’s like the fella said,
Tell me quick, Ain’t love like a kick in the Fed?

Ain’t thaaaat… a kick in the Fehhhhd!

Yeah!

Questions?

SCOOP TAPPER
Tell us Champ, what’s your latest take on the economic situation?

BARRY
Lemme tell you. The big problem is we got too many of these big shot corporations throwin’ around their money. They gotta stop wastin’ their cash at dese fancy schmancy conventions.

SCOOP
Conventions? Like where?

BARRY
I’m glad you asked that. I’m talking specifically about…

SPATS (backstage on lapel mic)
Go go go! We have lift off!

(jump scene inside Hoover Dam; Brain and Boom Boom are wiring a bomb)

BRAIN
Roger that Spats! Now, where’s that wire…

BOOM BOOM
Off the pigs! Hey, what’s this button for?

KABLOOOOOIEEEE

(jump scene back to press room; lights flicker)

TWINKLETOES
Holy crap! Those two beatnik morons blew up the wrong power supply! Barry’s TelePrompter just went out!

BARRY
…about… places like… uhm… it’s right on the tip of my… inside-mouth lick-thing…

SPATS (sweating profusely)
Come oooooonnnn… you can do it… think, Barry, think!

BARRY
… place like… um… is it Vas Legas?

SCOOP
You mean Las Vegas?

BARRY
Yeah, yeah! That’s it! Las Vegas, uhhhh, bad. Bye bye, I go now!

TWINKLETOES
Phew! Dat was too close for comfort.

SPATS
You said it! If my calculations are correct Vegas will be going dark in precisely 47 seconds. Come on Barry, let’s get you to the motorcade pronto.

BARRY
But Prompty!

SPATS
Exnay on the Teleprompter! No time! We gotta rendezvous with the boys at exactly 2130 hours.

******************

(inside the Treasury vault)

LITTLE RICHIE
Left 33… left 21… left 666. Bingo! Come on youse clowns, open dat door.

BLAGO
Holy mackerel, feast your peepers on that pile of cabbage!

DAGREEK
14 trillion… 14 trillion bucks… 14 trillion sweet simolian smackerinos of legal tenner! Come to papa!

FAT TONY
And how. Now dat kinda dough would buy a lotta rental slum property in Englewood!

LITTLE RICHIE
If you goons are finished playin’ pocket pool, get busy loadin’ that dough on da pallets.

HORN
Beeeeep

LITTLE RICHIE
Hurry it up youse mugs! Push and Preacher are here with the buses!

(Outside, at the loading docks)

PREACHER
Where are them goddamn crackers? I got a goddamn sermon to prepare for Sunday.

PUSH
I am. going to. put in for. overtime.

******************

(Barry, Spats, and Twinky are hurtling down the Pennsylvania Avenue Strip when a mysterious Prius races by and cuts them off. They are forced to stop. A strange figure exits the Prius, wildly waving hands)

SPATS
What the hell is going on? Is that some kinda cop?

TWINKLETOES
No.. it’s some fat ugly blonde broad in an evening gown… with a butcher knife!

BARRY
That ain’t no broad! That’s dat lunatic autograph stalker Freak Olberman!

FREAK
I knew it! Oooooh, I just knew it! I knew it was you, Barry. I can see you in there, even behind the delicious smoked glass. Mmmmm, llll-lll-lll. Do you know what this means, Barry? This can’t be chance, it’s destiny! No matter what Mother says, we were meant to be together. Forever. That’s why I will always defend you on my television show. That’s why I always carefully and lovingly save my stools to send to your enemies. Have you get my latest Countdown Special Comment stoolcam video? Mother promised she sent it to you by certified mail, but I don’t believe her. Just like Mother doesn’t believe in us. She says it’s silly for me to keep a wig and gown in my car in case I see you. But we proved her wrong. Didn’t we, Barry? SEE, MOMMY??? Ha hah hah heh. Heh! And now, for your birthday, I would like to writhe on your big black hood and perform a special comment in song. Happy birthday toooo yoouuuu, happy birrrr-iiirrrthdayyyy to you, happy birthday mister Baaaarrryyyy O-baaa-maaa, Happy birthdaaaaay to yooooou. Giggle.

SPATS

TWINKLETOES

BARRY
Fer God’s sake hit the gas!

Fluhmppf Fladummpppfff

******************

(at the loading dock)

LITTLE RICHIE
Come on you dopes, get da lead out! Dis ain’t no union shop! We got one minute to load that last trillion.

FAT TONY
Aaaiiieee! My back! I tink I broke it!

BLAGO
Congrats, Tony! Lemme get you in touch wit a personal injury lawyer friend of mine.

LITTLE RICHIE
Leave ‘em for the cops you moron! We gotta go – now. Get these buses rolling. And Tony — remember what we do ta snitches.

FAT TONY
*gulp*

PREACHER (struggling to start his bus)
This goddamn thing won’t start!

(the team gathers around to inspect the disabled bus)

PUSH (reading the bus registration plate)
“This vehicle is a product of General Motors. Detroit, Michigan and Washington DC.”

LITTLE RICHIE
Dammit Blago, what’d I tell you about buyin’ two bit government equipment for this heist?

BLAGO
It’s Dagreek’s fault, Richie! I swear! I wanted to buy some good buses but Dagreek said we could skim the rebates.

DAGREEK
Shaddup you lousy rat!

LITTLE RICHIE
Shaddup da two of yers! At least we got one bus dat wirks. Everybody get on dat one. And dis time, I’m drivin’.

******************

(at the deserted Washington Mall rendezvous point, Barry, Spats and Twinky are pacing around the limo)

SPATS (on the radio)
Where the hell are youse guys?

LITTLE RICHIE
Keep your shirts on, we had some trouble. Fat Tony went down and we’re short about 8 trillion. Aw crap, cheese it! Da cops!

BARRY (grabbing radio)
FBI?

LITTLE RICHIE
No, CBO.

BARRY
Dammit! The Manchurian bond syndicate must have tipped them off. Can you outrun them?

LITTLE RICHIE
Not under full load. This bus is a freakin’ hybrid!

BARRY
Then you’re gonna have to lose some weight. You know the drill, Richie.

LITTLE RICHIE
Radger dat.

(One by one, Blago, Dagreek, Preacher and Push are thrown under the bus as it speeds down the Strip)

LITTLE RICHIE
Heh heh hah! I lost ‘em! I lost da cops! I should be at da rendezvous point in 30 seconds!

BARRY
Richie. Listen to me carefully. Did you remember to unload all those firebombs that Brain was hauling on that bus?

LITTLE RICHIE
Firebombs?

BLAFLOOSHHHH

(The rear of the ACORN bus bursts into flames, engulfing the $6 trillion cargo. Little Richie white-knuckles it on to the Washington Mall. The flaming bus hits an inexplicable ramp at 85 mph, spirals three times, and t-bones into the Reflecting Pool where it makes one last incendiary explosion. Little Richie swims to safety.)

TWINKLETOES (pulling a scorched and dripping wet Richie from the pool)
You okay dere Richie?

LITTLE RICHIE
Eh, no big deal. I ride the CTA sometimes.

SPATS (looking morosely on the $6 trillion going up in smoke on the flaming bus carcass)
*Sigh*. So close.

BARRY
We’ll get ‘em next fiscal year, Spats. You gotta admit, though, it is kind of a pretty sight. Kinda peaceful even. Like some kinda abstract sculpture, with them flames reflectin’ in the water.

TWINKLETOES
Yeah. Maybe we could dedicate it as the Barry Obama Memorial.

(Twinky, Spats, Richie and Barry walk glumly down the sidewalks of Pennsylvania Avenue with their hands in their pockets, to a bluesy harmonica theme)

VOICE OVER (BARRY)
Just another day at the craps tables in this nutty kookoo casino we call Washington DC. Sometimes you’re rolling sevens, sometimes no matter what you do you come up snake eyes. But Mister, that just means it’s time to dust yourself off and tip the cigarette dolly. Because in this crazy City of Dreams a jackpot is always one pull away. And there’s always a sequel around the corner.

BARRY

Show me a man without a dream, and I’ll show you a man that’s dead.
Reeeaaal dead. Daddy-o.
Once I had me a dream, but that dream got kicked in the head.
By the Fed.
Some electors say, I’m puttin’ you away,
Three more years not seven.
In the meantime,
O-o-ba-ma’s Eleven.
Eleven.
E-le-ven.

THE END?

They were not going to report this blockbuster unless they were forced to. And they were. What’s more, it ain’t over yet. Not every hint I dropped in that piece about what was to come has played itself out yet.Stay tuned.

When filmmaker and provocateur James O’Keefe came to my office to show me the video of him and his friend, Hannah Giles, going to the Baltimore offices of ACORN – the nation’s foremost “community organizers” – dressed as a pimp and a prostitute and asking for – and getting – help for various illegal activities, he sought my advice. In the past, Mr. O’Keefe created brilliant social satire that rocked his college campus and even made its way on to the talk-radio and cable-news shows, but the magnitude of his latest adventure had the potential to rock the political establishment.

I was awed by Mr. O’Keefe’s guts and amazed by the footage, but explained that the mainstream media would try to kill this important and illuminating expose about a corrupt and criminal political racket, and that the well-funded political left would go into “war room” mode, with 25-year-old Mr. O’Keefe and 20-year-old cohort Miss Giles in the cross hairs. I felt I had a moral obligation to protect these young muckrakers from the left and from the media, and to devise a strategy that would force the media’s hand.  (more…)

And that’s kind of amazing. I`ve never done 600 of anything – and that includes reverse tricep curls (which I invented, by the by). But from the day we began, on February 5th, 2007 to tonight –we`ve witnessed some pretty amazing events. And thankfully, Red Eye was there to cover them – when no one else would.

–

I mean, who can forget the dog that barked like a cat? It was the story Katie Couric wouldn`t touch – but we were there – covering the dog that barked like a cat.

And what of our in-depth coverage of John McCain`s election sweaters? While everyone else focused on irrelevant issues, we asked the tough questions about those ugly sweaters.

Hell, while people chose to examine Barack Obama’s qualifications, we were the first show to reveal startling photos of an octopus that could open beer bottles with its tentacles. You tell me: what`s more important, now?

And then there was the man who had sex with a table. And the man who had sex with a car. And the man who had sex with balloons. Whenever a man was having sex with an inanimate object, Red Eye was there to bear witness. And sometimes take pictures.

And who can forget the nude car thief, the nude ice skater, and the nude rambler? When it came to stories about nude people doing things nude, Red Eye was the go-to source. If there were a Pulitzer for the perverse, we would have won that trophy. And ended up in the ER, trying to get it removed.

Of course, we covered bigger stories, and at times we were way ahead of the pack – the piece on the German underwear thief springs to mind – but I prefer that Red Eye not take itself too seriously on this momentous occasion. Instead, I would rather salute all our amazing fans, who stood by this unusual little show – when everyone else just stared at it, confused – or ran screaming.

You deserve the congratulations – not us.

And if you disagree with me, you`re probably a racist Nazi who`s worse than Hitler.

TONIGHT: We’ve got a great show!

Oderus Urangus! from Gwar

Governor Huckabee!

Bill Hemmer!

Andrea Tantaros!

Alison Brie from Mad Men and Community!

Moments after I heard the news I did a radio interview and predicted that the news media would destroy her in their transparent quest to pave the way for Barack Obama’s historic election. I had no idea just how right that “blink” calculation would be and I certainly never would have guessed that I would become a small part of that story by dedicating my life and fortune to documenting just how unbelievably bad it would get.

The last twelve months of Sarah Palin’s life truly bring new meaning to the phrase “what a difference a year makes.” I strongly believe that no public figure in modern America has ever endured more stress, pressure and unfair scrutiny in a more dignified fashion than she has over the past year (though what George W. Bush tolerated over the last three years of his presidency probably comes in a close second).

On August 28th of last year Sarah Palin was a largely unknown governor considered to be a rising star largely because of her willingness to take on Republicans in a way that had endeared her to Democrats. Today she is an ex-governor wrongly perceived by most of the country and virtually all of the news media as an erratic, unqualified, lightweight and ultra-partisan Republican who can’t even mange her own family. 

What did she do exactly to deserve this unfortunate perception? I have literally gone around the country (screening my film “Media Malpractice” which features an exclusive interview with then Governor Palin) and asked numerous media outlets that question and I have yet to get a remotely sensible answer.

The best I can come up with (oddly, this is hardly ever mentioned when the topic comes up) is that, after having to deal with three or four sittings with a Katie Couric who was clearly out to get her, she did not name a supreme court case with which she disagrees other than Roe v. Wade. Other than that, my documentary proves that every other alleged transgression that she committed has been either blown out of proportion or simply made up by a news media that obviously had both a political and financial agenda against her. When you consider all of the whopper-sized blunders committed by her campaign counterpart Joe Biden, the unfair treatment of Palin does become, at least based on the live audience reactions to my film, rather hilarious.

On top of this, I wish you to consider the unique circumstances Palin was dealing with while she went through the last year, circumstances that a remotely fair media would have considered a remarkably successful and nearly error-free year.

If, in just one spin around the sun, you had given birth to a baby with Down’s Syndrome (that even mainstream media outlets would not fully accept as really belonging to you even though there was no other biological possibility), had your unmarried teenage daughter’s pregnancy (and later, her sex life) become fodder for massive worldwide coverage, had your first child sent to Iraq, had your fourteen-year-old, non-public figure daughter become the subject of rape jokes on national television, had your reputation and character destroyed by lies intended to foster the election of a man you knew would forever change/destroy the country you love, were prevented from doing your day job by a group of loser bloggers who lay awake at night (probably under the roof of their parents’ homes) dreaming of being interviewed by Keith Olbermann, and were thrown under the bus by numerous people on your “side” because they decided it was in their self-interest to do so — what are the chances you would not be left in the fetal position in a pool of your own drool?

But instead of cracking under this unprecedented pressure, Sarah Palin has proven her courage (and perhaps wisdom) by simply pivoting. While I disagreed with the timing of her decision to resign as Governor (mostly because I knew it would be misperceived as “quitting” by those who didn’t understand the facts on the ground in Alaska), I know it was done out of intentions that in a just world would be rewarded and not condemned. So far, it has also proven to be remarkably effective. After all, what other housewife from Wasilla, Alaska could have possibly altered the course of the health care debate (and possibly the entire Obama presidency) by simply posting some strong and well-footnoted opinions on her Facebook page?!

So, what have we learned from Sarah Palin’s remarkable year? Hopefully, we have learned a lot.

Among other things, we should have learned…

That surprise announcements can often create more long-term perception problems than they are worth (at least when they come from Republicans).

That to the media if you are a young, good looking, charismatic,  non-white male without a long resume and  are a conservative running for Vice-President, you are an embarrassment to the country. But if you are a young, good-looking, charismatic, non-white male without a long resume and are a socialist running for President, you are the Second Coming.

That the candidate who told the truth the most during the 2008 campaign was Sarah Palin.

That the media is perfectly willing and able to destroy someone’s character simply because it suits their political and economic agenda and will stop at nothing to do so.

That there are far too many high-profile “conservatives” willing to sell out their “cause” to gain favor with the news media and that there is almost no accountability for their treason.

That the left understands that this is a war where “assassinating” leaders of the other side is perfectly acceptable, while the right seems to still think that this is a picnic and that the Sarah Palins of the world grow on trees.

That the only people more threatened by a highly successful and good looking mom than liberal women, are Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, David Letterman and Bill Maher.

That the power of being a celebrity is far greater than the power of being Governor of Alaska.

That the ex-boyfriend of the daughter of the ex-Governor of Alaska can get treated as a media star if it is perceived to hurt a prominent conservative.

That more character was revealed in Sarah Palin over the past twelve months than America probably deserves in a politician.

That August 29th, 2008 was a seminal moment in our politics and media which has changed, perhaps forever, the rules of engagement in a way that may make it impossible for conservatives to ever fully recover and should truly frighten all fair-minded Americans.

If we don’t heed these lessons, then we will deserve what we will inevitably get.