The activist left, which denigrated the previous president in a merciless fashion, took the reins of power with reckless abandon and shoved its brand of poisonous hope and change down the throats of the American people. So we the people, the reawakening silent majority, responded in the form of a grassroots movement that is turning into a juggernaut set to roll past November 2nd and become something transcendent and long-lasting. Our Founding Fathers would be proud that we have rediscovered the spirit and the essence of their ideas.

While the Tea Party has not been specifically partisan–many Republican carcasses lie in its rubble–this conservative and constitutional checks and balances has created a rejuvenated GOP, chastened and wiser.

This weekend I have the honor of sharing the stage with one of the Tea Party’s and Republican Party’s fearless leaders, Sarah Palin. Since her arrival on the national stage, the Democratic Party has recognized her potential as a political powerhouse and has worked in tandem with its partners in crime, the mainstream media, to wage an unprecedented personal campaign against her and her family. The Tea Party can relate.

But the power of Alinsky and the politics of personal destruction vis a vis the Democrat Media Complex has reverse effects when the object of the hate bravely stands up to the bullies and thugs. The Tea Party and Sarah Palin have given America a great lesson in standing up to the bullies who have co-opted the Democratic Party and the American media.

As we head into the home stretch, Sarah Palin will be in California to draw attention to a state in economic shambles. After a generation of nanny-state and Ponzi scheme policies, Californians and Americans want a radical change. This is the Republican Party’s chance to win back one of the bluest states, and what better way to usher in that change than with a dynamic female leader like Sarah Palin cheering on fellow free market, limited government feminist success stories Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina.

Michael Steele, “American Heart” singer/songwriter Jon David, other California GOP candidates and I will join Palin on stage to cheer on a new era of hope and change in the pursuit of helping California avert economic disaster.

I invite all of our readers to come down to have a rollicking and patriotic time. I’ll be hanging out to meet and greet one and all well after the bunting has been taken down.

Palin FACT SHEET – CA 9.29.10-1 –

Without fail, every single time someone tells their story here, the insulting snark hits from every corner of the web, dismissing out of hand our ever growing list of witnesses to this new blacklist. Sure, the Gawkers and the Farkers are entitled to their fun. They peddle in shallow superiority and there are plenty of buyers. Welcome to Al Gore’s creation.

Lately, however, Patrick Goldstein, a film writer at the L.A. Times, has been taking his own partisan shots. Tuesday, after Jonathan Kahn came out in the Wall Street Journal, there was this:

[I]t’s seems like quite a stretch to say that Kahn’s politics have held him back. But that’s what all too many conservatives do. They put the blame for their stalled careers on liberal Hollywood, when lack of marketable talent might be a far more likely source for the problem.

What’s curious about this argument regarding Kahn needing “marketable talent” is how Goldstein willfully ignored this part of the WSJ story:

One person stunned to hear of Mr. Kahn’s double life as a tea-party troubadour is top Hollywood record producer and Grammy Award-winner Walter Afanasieff. The two have worked on projects for years and are now midway through writing and producing an album for a young singer.

And what part of the following confused Goldstein?:

“And I’m just finding out about this now? Oh my God, I’m getting chills hearing it,” Mr. Afanasieff says, when informed of his friend’s sideline. “I mean, he’s a member of a huge, Democratic, liberal organization called the Los Angeles entertainment business.”

After digesting the news, he adds, “It’s very wise he’s going incognito.”

Just to be clear: Goldstein writes about the entertainment business, Afanasieff works in the entertainment business. Goldstein thinks someone with a years-long working relationship with a Grammy-winning producer lacks marketable talent. Goldstein also thinks he knows more than a Grammy-winning producer about whether or not going incognito is wise for entertainment industry conservatives.

But “marketable talent” is a canard. When a well-known marketable talent like Andrew Klavan made claims similar to Kahn’s, Goldstein didn’t pause for a second to summon a different kind of wrist-flicking dismissal:

But where’s the evidence that conservatives are denied jobs because of their political beliefs? For all the vague charges being bandied about, I’ve never heard any specific examples of suppression in action. If you’re a conservative and can offer me chapter and verse, I will be happy to take up your cause.

So before I issue the challenge, let’s start with a question:

Where’s your curiosity, Patrick? Where’s your healthy skepticism about the powerful? Most of the people that are talking about this are doing so openly. Not only are there more than one but they’re telling the same story. Hmm? My understanding is that your job is to cover the film industry, to report and break stories, and yet your reaction to witness after witness after witness is never anything more than borderline contempt and complete disbelief.

Have you or anyone at the L.A. Times even bothered to try and contact Klavan or Kahn… Or anyone?

Of course not.

That kind of testimony upsets the comfortable narrative. Why, the very idea is too much for the progressive mind to bear. Conservatives aren’t discriminated against, they discriminate!

This is what skeptical looks like.

Since you’re obviously incapable of coming to grips with that, I’m going to challenge you instead to prove us wrong. No one’s asking you to prove a negative. On the contrary, this challenge doesn’t require you to rely on anyone not already in love with Hollywood.

THE PATRICK GOLDSTEIN ’PROVE BIG HOLLYWOOD WRONG’ CHALLENGE

Your Test Subjects — Lefties Who Love Them Some Hollywood:

Now we both know that throughout Tinseltown there are hundreds of character actors who aren’t quite stars but work pretty steady. We see them in bit parts on television, on the big screen and in commercials. We recognize their faces but don’t know their names. And they’re not rich, not by any means. But they have competent representation, a solid if unspectacular resume, and spend most of their days running around town to audition and take meetings with potential employers who see thousands of people a month and therefore won’t remember the last time they met our test subject.

This will be your pool — a group of fairly established actors who live paycheck to paycheck. Mature adults who know how the world works.

Best of all,  they’re just like you: Liberals who love liberal Hollywood. 

The Challenge — ‘Conservative Like Me’:

You will find ten test subjects who meet the above criteria and for the next two months they will document what it’s like to go undercover as they make the employment rounds as open conservatives in Hollywood. 

The Pitch: 

Patrick Goldstein: Hi, I’m Patrick Goldstein with the L.A. Times. You have a sec?

Ken: For the L.A. Times? Course.

PG: This may sound a little unorthodox, but I’m looking for some willing subjects to help with an investigative piece we’re doing. People like yourself who pick up a half-dozen one or two line gigs a year. 

K: Obviously, I’m always looking for that featured role, but sure.

PG: You’re familiar with McCarthyism, the blacklist and all that?

K: Insane times.

PG: Well, we want to find out if something similar to that is happening today. A number of people have gone on the record claiming that their political beliefs are costing them work in the industry–

K: That’s terrible–

PG: –and we would like your help in discovering whether or not that’s true.

K: Of course. What do you need me to do.

PG: For the next two months we’d like you to, in a way, go undercover–

K: Cool.

PG: Wonderful. Can you tell me a little bit about what a normal week is like for you, work-wise. How many meetings, auditions…

K: Well, pilot season’s over, so things have slowed. A good day right now is two meetings.

PG: So 5 to 10 a week?

K: Give or take.

PG: Perfect. Your assignment is that for the next two months, whenever you’re around people you don’t already know in the entertainment business — especially people who can hire you — you’re going to pretend that you’re a conservative Republican.

K: *inaudible*

PG: Don’t get me wrong, no one’s asking you to be strident or obnoxious. Nothing like that. We’ll have you slap a “Newt 2012″ sticker on your car, and once a week you’ll spend the day wearing a Sarah Palin t-shirt and sit in the waiting rooms reading Sean Hannity’s new book.

K: *throat clear*

PG:  But that should be okay because people in your circle wear Obama t-shirts to meetings and auditions, right?

K: Well, yeah…

PG: Again, we don’t want you to be obvious. Don’t bring up politics unless someone else brings it up. But if they do bring up a particular issue, you’ll politely disagree and take the conservative side. In other words, all we’re asking you to do is be as openly and politely conservative as they are liberal. You are now pro-life, opposed to same-sex marriage, and a Global Warming skeptic.

K: Uhm.

PG: Nothing crazy. You’re not a birther or calling Obama a Marxist or anything. In fact, we want you to be as thoughtful and considerate as possible as you explain why you didn’t vote for Obama and why you think the health care bill is a debacle, the Iraq War was worth fighting, and how much fun you had at last weekend’s Tea Party.

K: I should probably talk to my agent about this.

THE STORY:

The first story you could write is about the reaction to this proposal. Since it’s only crazy conservatives who believe right-of-center beliefs hold them back, why would anyone object to playing an open conservative for a couple of months as they search for a job.

Then after you find ten subjects, have them keep a diary and write the final story about how wrong all those nutjobs at Big Hollywood are.

——-

This is what curiosity looks like.

My idea may not be perfect. But I’m not a journalist — and the last person who called me one got knocked on his ass — but you’re looking for ”chapter and verse” and I’m telling you that we’ve already done our job by getting our folks to go on the record. Now I’m daring you to do your job. Lay down the lazy snark and act like you work for a newspaper.

MEMO TO THE REST OF YOU:

All over the Internet I see people who claim to work in the industry laughing at those of us who believe holding openly right-of-center views can hurt a Hollywood career. If we’re so wrong, try my Conservative Like Me challenge. Just take two months to prove us wrong by convincing your co-workers, bosses, potential employers, clients and potential clients that you’ve changed your political views. 

Prove us wrong. Replace the Obama sticker with with a Jesus fish.

Prove us wrong. Tell your potential client you were listening to Glenn Beck on the way over. 

Prove us wrong. Wear your Factor Gear.

Prove us wrong. Talk about the pro-life rally you went to over the weekend.

Don’t be obnoxious, don’t be rude, don’t be strident… Just be one of us.

Oh, and that revulsion you’re feeling at just the thought of pretending you hold a conservative belief…? That proves our point.

You lefties are all about empathy and sympathy and walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

Until you put up you can all shut up.

Jon will be on The Stage Right Show tonight for an in-depth interview.

My congratulations to our friend Mr. Kahn who set an example for all of us with his willingness to throw off those shades and fight the good fight.  There are right-of-center “sleeper agents” like Jon all over Hollywood. He is not alone. And when others throw off the shades and declare themselves the movement to reclaim a piece of the Hollywood/pop culture pie for pro-American and pro-liberty ideas and ideals can only grow stronger.

Jon is proof that you are not alone. It’s time to activate yourselves. Join the fight.

Or, as Robert Davi memorably put it,  ”After all we’re only talking about saving our country.”

The Wall Street Journal:

The guy in the spotlight singing “American Heart,” it can now be revealed, is 42-year-old Jonathan Kahn, a Hollywood screenwriter, director and scribbler of songs whose faith in America doesn’t extend to the place he calls home.

Fearful of being ostracized in the town where he peddles his songs and scripts, Mr. Kahn has gone sub rosa on the rally circuit. “It’s for protective reasons,” he says. “In Hollywood, being a conservative is the kiss of death.”

The tea-party movement’s passion for cutting taxes and shrinking government has spilled into hundreds of rallies and conventions across the country. Mr. Kahn has ridden that surge—under cover.

Read the full piece here.

That’s why I’ve been asking Jon to play it at Tea Parties. I’ve seen and heard the reaction to this song in Quincy, Nashville, Nevada, and soon DC on April 15. The story behind the writing of “American Heart” is also a great example of how pride and creativity can flourish in the contorted face of left wing hate and misguided patriotism.

And that’s why I’m asking you to Tweet, Facebook, and email “American Heart” to whomever you can. This should be our anthem.

I’m American made. I’ve got American parts. I’ve got American faith in America’s heart.

Go on raise the flag. I’ve got stars in my eyes. I’m in love with Her and I won’t apologize.

I sing it in the bathtub.

On Saturday, Oct. 10, more than 150 wounded heroes will complete a 7-day, 475-mile journey from San Francisco to LA. The Wounded Heroes, many home from Iraq and Afghanistan, are cycling down scenic Highway 1 from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Their goal is to raise awareness and money to provide bikes and equipment for mental and physical therapy for fellow military heroes. The final leg of this journey brings the riders down San Vicente Blvd. from 26th to the West LA VA. 

This is where you come in.  We are looking for everyone, You, your family, friends, community members, organizations, and congregations to come out and line San Vicente Blvd. all the way to the VA. Welcome home these brave men and women and cheer them on their final miles.  Special guest riders include James Cromwell, Adam Baldwin, Tobey Maguire, Mike Vogel, Patricia Heaton, David Hunt, Kristy Swanson, Adam Housley, and Andrew Breitbart. 

Afterwards, join us for a FREE celebration at the West LA VA next to the Wadsworth Theater. The entertainment will be provided by SNL’s Victoria Jackson, Jon David, and Rock Nation and you can visit and talk with the heroes including Congressional Medal of Honor recipient Walt Ehlers and the American Legion Riders.

Schedule

• 9:00 AM   Riders leave Ventura
• 1:00 PM  Join us on San Vicente Blvd. to welcome the riders home
• 1:30 PM   Riders Arrive – West LA VA 11301 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90073
• 1:45 PM   ROCK NATION                     
• 3:15 PM   Jon David Performs
• 3:30 PM   VICTORIA JACKSON LIVE
• 4:45 PM   Program concludes 

Join our community in saluting these Heroes

Listen to it here:

Jon David, our anonymous Hollywood player known for trolling for liberal starlets and reporting back to his conservative compatriots at Big Hollywood, was inspired to write, perform, finance and record “American Heart” after a recent run-in with a cynical L.A. woman who at a Venice-area party admitted her contempt for the United States of America. But when Jon David asked her to name a better country, she couldn’t.

Read the rest of the hysterically funny and all-to-familiar story behind the song (and the lyrics, too) here.

‘American Heart’ — let’s get this song on the radio.

Let’s get it going viral.

We’ve needed something like this to rally around for a while. It’s got a perfect American blend of pop, rock and country flowing through its patriotic veins.

And if it does well enough, Jon David can come out of the shadows and announce who he is. Until we support our own, the Hollywood conservative is going to have to fly under the radar undetected by the town’s well-coiffed totalitarian liberals.

“American Heart” is available on iTunes.

Breitbart entered. The woman was there waiting, but this time she had a young lady friend with her. The woman could no longer keep this to herself. She needed to share it with someone. Not surprising, Breitbart had no objection.

Who was he to deny anyone an opportunity to see it, particularly this young beauty?

She looked on with a combination of curiosity, skepticism, and perhaps a hint of excitement which she tried to hide.

He slowly opened his “laptop”…her eyes landed on his Big Hollywood and then grew wide as if trying to make room for what she was seeing.  She had been prepped, but apparently not well enough. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted.

BREITBART
Looks like it’s just the two of us.

_______                                                                                                                _______

                                                                                                           
Note: The above scene is WGA registered. 

For those readers unfamiliar with my specific niche within the Big Hollywood community, I urge you to read my initial column before proceeding any further.

Consider it an army field manual of sorts. With a better understanding of my motivation and commitment to research, this manual will help you survive with me, side by side, and together, we will navigate the treacherous mine field which is the dating of a Liberal. 

Note: In the case of this field manual, torture is permissible and lawful as it is self inflicted.  

If you choose to continue without watching the Pilot so to speak, at least let me share with you one of the sharpest insights I’ve read on the subject. 

“The divide between the sexes is great and mysterious. The divide between the sexes with opposing political perspectives could prove to be dangerous enough to cause irreparable harm to anybody willing to explore it.”

 - Jon David

As a noble and anonymous crusader for Big Hollywood, I have decided to dive on the grenade for all conservatives and date One Liberal a week. The following self mandated criteria must be met weekly. 

• She has to be a confirmed liberal
• I can not tell her I’m a conservative until mid way through the date
• I shall report my findings honestly, and in excruciatingly painful detail. 

Date #2 “Angelib”  

There really is no such thing as a “blind” date anymore.  Google and Facebook are pretty much all you need to find out anything about anyone. It saddens me that in our quest for immediate gratification, we have abandoned our principles…out of narcissism, we keep no secrets kept, and out of laziness and convenience we have jettisoned all traditional notions of stalking. Nobody has the time or wherewithal to get in a car and properly stake out a woman’s house or place of work anymore. Nobody has the courage to defy a restraining order in the name of unrequited love. God forbid we actually put in some legwork or show some real initiative…or dare I say….pride. 

But why should we?  We need not put in any extra effort when all that is required of us is the click of a mouse to remove all mystery from a time honored tradition, while robbing ourselves of one of the few surprises left in the world. 

We have lost respect for the institution itself. We have given eyes to the blind date. 

Some of the more insightful readers may have already guessed that my second date started off blind. In fact, the date was procured by my brother as he lay in a hospital room recovering from a most embarrassing hemorrhoidectomy, of which I promised I would never speak. However, the magnitude of the gesture I’m about to describe trumps any promise of confidence I may have made. 

As he lay on his stomach, pain killers coursing through his veins, a new shift of nurses began, and in walked Angelib to check on my brother’s wounded posterior. How are you feeling Mr. Brother of Jon David? Now the good thing about having a brother who’s married is that every girl he’d like to have sex with, he sends my direction. Despite the medication and his compromising position, he was still able to see his vicarious forest through the trees. 

As she removed and replaced the gauze from his bottom, he slurred the words: Do you have a boyfriend? Why he felt this an auspicious time to pose such a question, I will never fully understand, but somehow it garnered a laugh from Angelib. So he continued. I’d like to introduce you to my brother.  

Like a soldier putting his company first, my brother ignored the throbbing pain in his backside and put me first. When I think of the valor, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Apparently I wasn’t the only one moved because I kid you not, she said okay. 

It was on: a blind date: one of the few surprises left in the world. I immediately logged on to Facebook to check her out. 

Note: in my defense, please refer back to the first of my self mandated criteria. She had to be a confirmed liberal. If there was another way, I would have pursued it.  

As I combed through her photos (only downloading the really hot ones) I came across a disturbing image: a photograph that truly upset me and had me thinking that I might not be able to go through with this.  Even more disturbing was what she had written beneath it…. 

“My favorite picture of the year” – Angelib

 To calm myself a bit, I did what I usually do when I need to relax, I began reading the Constitution.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

It’s her right. It’s her right. It’s her right.  I was hoping the mantra itself might make what was inherently her right, feel less wrong. But it didn’t. So I turned to my imagination for comfort, thinking of all the potential finger gestures our former President could have been making from within that helicopter as he flew off to a place where he might actually be appreciated.

But then I realized that President Bush was far too classy to indulge in that type of petty antics as evidenced by my favorite picture of the year.

My caption would have simply read……Class

If I had truly taken anything away from the latter image, then I too, would have to walk the high road. I could not blame Angelib for her stupidity and misguided patriotism as both are protected under the constitution. I had to embrace her and the greater cause: the commitment I made to all of you here at Big Hollywood to seek the truth. Not to mention, my brother’s hemorrhoidectomy was not as successful as initially thought and might require additional surgery. I owed my fallen comrade the courtesy to follow up on his shameless inquiry.

I would proceed but I have to be honest, I was hesitant to spend any money on this date.

I called my local Congressman: Henry Waxman. I explained to his office the purpose of my research in hopes of securing a handout. Unfortunately, the notion of Republicans understanding Democrats is of little or no importance to the current administration. I was also informed that the last of the monies for my district in the current Omnibus spending bill had already been allocated to study canine testicular elephantitis within short legged breeds. Seemed reasonable, so I moved on.

I stopped by the offices of Big Hollywood. Breitbart greeted me warmly. I explained that I was having a hard time justifying spending money on this particular date. I showed him the picture from her Facebook page and explained my adverse reaction. He listened intently, nodding his head. It was good to see a friendly face. He stood up from his desk, took a swig from a jar of moonshine, and said 2 words: “Personal Responsibility.” I thought about this.  He was right. I had abandoned one of the core principles of conservatism. I didn’t need any help. I had initiative. I’d figure something out on my own. I thanked him. Then he punched me in the face.

When I woke up, the answer was clear: the perfect date with a liberal…and it wouldn’t cost me anything…at least monetarily….the HIKE date.  Every liberal loves a good hike. Don’t get me wrong, conservatives enjoy a good climb as well. We just prefer more scenic environments…like melting glaciers.

Another benefit of the L.A Hike date is that for some reason, the hiking trail is the only place in the entire city where people let their guards down, greeting every passing stranger as if they’ve known them for years. It’s a place where people set aside their differences, re-evaluate their prejudices, and open their arms to the loving essence of every soul….all a result of some bizarre unity created by a common interest in walking uphill.

I knew of a hill. I also knew that once I got Angelib on the trail…in her element, she’d be singing like a little liberal canary in no time. …plus it wouldn’t cost me anything.

Note: there are no notes at this time.

I must say I was a little nervous as I waited for my not so blind date to arrive. To make matters worse, at the mouth of the trail there was posting of things to look out for while hiking: Poison Oak, Ticks, Rattlesnakes, Mountain Lions, Republicans.

“Jon?” I turned around and there she was…all smiley and liberal. “Angelib?”  I won’t bore you with the pleasantries, but we made a pact not to discuss anything related to my brother’s hemorrhoidectomy.

She suggested we hike up to the waterfall. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there had been a 3 year drought in California and there was most likely no waterfall and thus, we probably wouldn’t come across any unicorns either, as they tend not to show up when nature’s faucet runs dry.  I was in the business of finding truth. Not crushing dreams.

So off we went. It was a narrow trail, so I suggested she lead. That way I could evaluate the firmness of her booty, under the guise of being a gentleman. This was suggested by a friend of mine who had more hiking dates under his belt than I.

___

I’ve always been told to ask a lot of questions on a date….to take the focus off myself while showing an interest in the woman. Apparently she came from a different school, and spoke only of herself, saving me the trouble of asking or answering any questions whatsoever.

Her river of narcissism was diverted only for encounters with other hikers.  ”Good Morning.” “Hi, how are you?” “Good morning.” “Beautiful day.” “Hi, how are you?”  And then seamlessly flowed back to her dreams….her fears….her son.

Her what? Her son? What son? Nobody told me anything about a son.

There were no pictures of a child on Facebook nor did it list her as a “Proud Parent.” Why didn’t she have any pictures of him? Maybe she wasn’t proud. What kind of woman isn’t proud of her son?  I’ll tell you what kind: One with a really nice butt. Good tip from my friend.

I was worked up and couldn’t figure out why. I had dated single moms in the past. It was never an issue. I love kids. I was once a kid, and I think I’m fantastic.

And then it hit me: omission can be a lie. For me, a woman needs be up front about 3 things. 1) Does she have kids?  2) Does she have herpes? 3) Does she have herpes?

At this point I had to assume she had herpes. She left me no choice.

I was starting to feel bad about myself.  Maybe I needed to be more open. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Be One, with the…hill.  Maybe there was a reason she didn’t mention him, or have his picture up. Maybe there was something wrong with him. I had been working on becoming more sensitive. This was as good a time as any to put it into action. 

So I took an interest in her son by…..asking his name. Stuart, she said proudly. Stuart Libble, I thought.  According to Angelib, Stuart was far from wrong. In fact, not only was he was the cutest in his class, he was also the smartest, warmest, the most generous, best athlete, the most insightful, and the most sensitive…little did I know, her 5 year old was the best child ever made. 

Now this is a strange phenomenon I’ve noticed with parents. Every parent has the best child. I know this isn’t true. I have a niece and couple of nephews and I love ‘em dearly, but frankly, there nothing’s spectacular about any of them. They know this. I’ve told them. 

So how can there be so many great kids? If all these kids are so great and so smart, that would mean great genes were passed on by the parents who must also be great because they’re the ones who passed on the genes, not to mention, they were born to their parents who must’ve thought they had the greatest kids. So in essence, everyone who has parents is the greatest and the smartest. As cogent as I feel this theory to be, it must be flawed because upwards of 63 million people voted Barack Obama into the highest office in the world.  

We took a break to soak in the dry brush and waterless creek. From her backpack, she took out two re-usable plastic water containers and two bags of homemade trail mix she had prepared specifically for the hike.  I was starting to dig the whole maternal thing and started to think about how warm and safe I’d feel in her womb. I was getting distracted and losing focus. I had to pull myself together.  I had to remember her favorite picture of the year. I had to figure out an organic way to steer the conversation into the political arena. I couldn’t be looking for a fight….and then she asked Do you like kids?  

Then I saw it. My first move….and then the second…and then the whole board. I was Big Hollywood’s Bobby Fischer.  My transition would be stealth, organic, and inevitably lead to an unhealthy ideological debate. 

Note: If you can’t see the move, don’t be down on yourself. Feel good about You.   

I love kids. They just scare me a little these days.   

Why’s that? She asked.  

I thanked her for the water, placed the bottle in her backpack, and said because there’s no respect anymore.  Then I took the lead up the trail. She followed. I knew she would…..because….we were hiking together. 

I was setting up the Jerome Gambit, an opening move in chess described as extremely dubious, where White sacrifices two pieces in hopes of exposing Black’s king and obtaining a mating attack. 

Note: I have no idea what that means. 

What I did know was that this was a “Plug in and Play” situation: a pre-existing family with rules of interaction and engagement already in place. All I had to do was get her talking, which hadn’t proven difficult thus far, but more specifically, about those rules…about her parenting style…unfortunately that would entail hearing more about Stuart. 

If I could stomach this, the promise of ideological division would be great. After all, I’ve seen marriages fall apart as a result of differences in parenting styles. But these differences usually turn out to be symptoms of something else: an underlying resentment or hatred for the other person seems to be the most popular root cause in the institution these days. 

I had no doubt, that once the division was established regarding child rearing, I could skillfully guide her into the political arena and from there, the underlying resentment and/or hatred for one another would no longer be “underlying.” It would surface and then we could explore it, embrace it, and see if we could overcome it.                                                                                                   

So I chose the concept of “respect.” She was a liberal, so I knew it was likely she might find the notion antiquated, and thus elicit an adverse reaction. It did. 

You’re not one of those people who thinks it’s disrespectful for Obama to take his jacket off in the Oval Office, are you? 

Ah…the condescending negative question…a technique used by the arrogant by which any answer other than “no” labels you an idiot. So I applied the technique of answering a question with a question, often used by smart people. 

Why do you think people were so bothered by that? I asked. 

Her answer….wait for it…..here it comes…..: because Republicans are uptight a**holes who can’t handle the fact that we have a cool President. Taking off his jacket makes him one of the people as opposed to some King on a throne.  

She was apparently participating in a scarcely known cerebral cap and trade program, whereby she was rewarded for using the least amount of her brain possible….by limiting the amount of intelligent thought escaping into the atmosphere she was accumulating credits. I could only assume she’d be getting an unprecedented tax refund. 

As she continued, the ideological division between us grew as I suspected it would. When it came to parenting, she subscribed to the teachings of progressive behaviorist Alfie Kohn, who believes that respect comes from internal authority as opposed to external authority….Stuart was allowed to call his mom, teachers, and adults by their first names. This was so they were not viewed as authority figures to be feared, but rather as equals.   

I was interested in knowing more about how liberals were grown. 

Here are some other interesting tenets of Alfie Kohn which Angelib was applying. 

• No punishment
• No rewards
• No competition

I had hit the mother load.  This was a big game liberal. I half expected a helicopter to swoop down over the ridge, where I’d see Sarah Palin leaning out, aiming an assault rifle to put Angelib down like an Alaskan Bull Moose. 

But the Governor didn’t show so I was left with the only weapons I had: logic, reason, and the desire to see her face when she realized I was one of the uptight a**holes who can’t handle the fact that we have a cool President. 

I expressed a genuinely feigned interest in her methods which pleased her greatly. I did however, have some questions. I started off innocently: if there is no punishment, how does he learn not to do something? She explained that recently Stuart punched her in the stomach. Fortunately I was in the lead hiking position so she couldn’t see me fight the laughter. She continued. Instead of meeting aggression with punishment, she and Stuart talk it out. She sits him down and says that punching Mommy or Angelib in the stomach doesn’t “work for her.” It makes her sad. It was liberal foreign policy applied to a 5 year old.

–

Dear President Medvedev, Dmitry, 

We realize our missile defense system doesn’t work for you. We understand how you feel. So we hope you understand that a nuclear weapon in the hands of Iran, doesn’t work for us. Does it work for you?  If not, could you please sit down with Mahmoud and tell him what he’s doing doesn’t work for either of us? We’d really appreciate it. Look forward to talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.

See you later alligator, 

Barack 

P.S. I hope you don’t interpret this letter as a sign of weakness. And please don’t tell anybody I wrote you. That wouldn’t work for me and it would make me sad.

–

We moved on to no rewards and no competition. My question was simple: if you remove rewards and competition, aren’t you also doing away with initiative, incentive, and personal responsibility? She made it very clear that Alfie Kohn was a scientist and that there were many studies that show a child performs better when there is nothing at stake. 

This time laughter trumped courtesy.  

What’s funny? She asked aggressively. 

I’m sorry….I just don’t understand… When is there nothing at stake? In the real world, there are stakes.    

The real world? She gave me the forward head tilt combined with the eyebrow lift, which in my experience, usually means “bring it.” So I brought it. 

Yeah, the one I live in. Where competition drives innovation. Where hard work and good behavior should be rewarded. Where bad behavior should be punished. Where socialism doesn’t work. Where diplomacy is not a policy, it’s a tactic.  

Note: I borrowed that last part from former UN Ambassador John Bolton.  

For the first time on our hike, she was speechless, but only briefly. And then as if the possibility had just occurred to her… 

You’re not a Republican are you?  

It was as if Reagan himself hurled a lightning bolt from that Oval Office in the sky, where jackets are required….and it struck my heart such that I pulsed with strength and pride. She deserved the answer on behalf of uptight A**holes everywhere. 

And I said, Yes. I’m a Republican.  And then….. 

….shirtless hippies carrying djembes descended from the dried out shrubs which line the Santa Monica Mountains, formed a drum circle, and began beating Hail to the Chief. I thought of my favorite picture of the year. 

Actually there weren’t any hippies….just dead silence, save for the jolly couple passing by with a cheerful “Good Morning.” This time she didn’t respond. I did. “Hi, how are you?” 

Angelib looked confused, almost disoriented, while still managing a hint of disgust. I clarified my position, not aggressively, just truthfully. 

And I don’t think Obama’s cool. Taking his jacket off in the Oval doesn’t make him one of the People. It makes him pompous and disrespectful. He’s no more one of the People than I’m Tenzing Norgay. Obama seems like a guy who won the lead in the school play and he terrifies me. Not to mention he uses more adverbs than any orator since Cicero. Everything this guy does will be done “boldly” and “swiftly,” including the destruction of our country if we’re not careful. Is there any more trail mix? 

She shook her head “no.” The awkwardness was palpable. Neither of us quite knew what to do. 

Should we hike any further?  I asked. I think the waterfall is just a little further. We both understood the metaphor. And upon reflection, I think we both knew there was no waterfall. 

She considered it, briefly, and then once again, shook her head “no.” I understood and agreed. So with very few words, we hiked back down our cars…boldly and swiftly.

Breitbart slowly approached the woman. This was the second time they had been together in just 3 short weeks. But in that relative blink of an eye, something had changed.  Something she couldn’t put her finger on.  He was different somehow. 

And then he showed her.

Any questions she may have thought to ask would not have been heard above the pounding of her heart, even if she could have mustered a single breath to speak.

It was true: his Big Hollywood had grown monumentally since their first encounter…its potential size and scope immeasurable and undeniable.

BREITBART
It gets bigger.

_______                                                                                                                        _______

                                                                                                          
Note: The above scene is WGA registered. 

For those readers unfamiliar with my specific niche within the Big Hollywood community, I urge you to read my initial column before proceeding any further.

Consider it an army field manual of sorts. With a better understanding of my motivation and commitment to research, this manual will help you survive with me, side by side, and together, we will navigate the treacherous mine field which is the dating of a Liberal.

 Note: In the case of this field manual, torture is permissible and lawful as it is self inflicted.

If you choose to continue without watching the Pilot so to speak, at least let me share with you one of the sharpest insights I’ve read on the subject.

“The divide between the sexes is great and mysterious. The divide between the sexes with opposing political perspectives could prove to be dangerous enough to cause irreparable harm to anybody willing to explore it.”

- Jon David

—

As a noble and anonymous crusader for Big Hollywood, I have decided to dive on the grenade for all conservatives and date One Liberal a week. The following self mandated criteria must be met weekly. 

• She has to be a confirmed liberal
• I can not tell her I’m a conservative until mid way through the date
• I shall report my findings honestly, and in excruciatingly painful detail. 

—

Date #1 “Gwendolib”  

Picking my first liberal proved to be more of a dilemma than I had anticipated. After all, liberals come in many different forms with gradient shades of hypocrisy accompanied by various degrees of passion with which to loathe our great country. However, once I made my choice, I knew I would approach the date with an open mind.  

I recall meeting Gwendolib a few years ago at a dinner party. I was with my girlfriend at the time, who hadn’t yet found a dosage of Adderall that would keep her from regrouting an entire bathroom at 4 in the morning. Gwendolib was with her fiancé who carried a book about Falconry in his pocket at all times. Surprisingly enough, neither relationship lasted. But at that party, I recall a connection…a meeting of the eyes…an unspoken understanding between me and Gwendolib.  It wasn’t political. I was hoping it was sexual. But when you’re dating someone who’s trying to level out their Adderall, you don’t even toy with the idea of infidelity, not that I would….but a boy can dream. Alas, I think the connection was a silent acknowledgement of our respective relationships coming to their inevitable and timely demise.

Cut to: early last week. I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she was still in touch with Gwendolib. It had been several years. I was careful about my inquiry; sensitive to the fact that my ex still had feelings for me. We talked of the past…the mistakes we made…how hard we tried, and that she had subsequently found out that Adderall was not the appropriate drug for her and that she was now coasting comfortably on a moderate to heavy dose of Lithium. With this revelation, I felt exonerated from any mistakes I had made in the relationship and promptly attributed all of the blame to her, which she accepted calmly.  A girl once told me that if you want to make a girl like you, ask her to set you up with someone else. I was semi hoping this theory was correct and through my inquiry, our old passion would be re-ignited.  As it turns out, the theory is not true and my ex promptly set me up with Gwendolib without even blinking an eye. *

* Note: I attribute this to the Lithium.  

I put the past behind me.  My research was the future and my future was Gwendolib.

 GWENDOLIB – BASIC STATS  

• Hometown – New York City
• Education – Harvard University
• Occupation – Artist
• Facebook Political Views – Liberal
• Bosom – Ample  

It was time for my first date with a liberal. I had found her. 

Being a traditional guy, I offered to pick her up. She seemed uncomfortable with this notion which then made me feel uncomfortable for offering and then somehow, through this exchange, I ended up feeling like Joran Van Der Sloot.  This was not the vibe I was going for. We agreed to meet at the restaurant. 

Note: I attribute the death of chivalry solely to the success of Greta Van Susteren.   

I parked around the corner for fear she might see the “Wounded Warrior Project” sticker on the back window of my SUV. The last thing I needed her to know was that I was grateful to our troops. My cover would have been blown immediately. My research sample…soiled.  So I hoofed it.  

We arrived at the same time and promptly had the awkward hug moment, but being a professional journalist, I took the opportunity to confirm that my stats were correct: she did indeed have ample bosom. 

I guided her to the bar where we took a seat. Although the original plan was to meet for a drink, she mentioned that she was hungry. Being a fiscal conservative, I pointed out the merits of the extensive bar menu in hopes that she might select the cheese plate or perhaps the Sliders…those trendy mini burgers that have become so popular apparently because they are small.  I was hoping these options might create the illusion of an entire meal. However, being a liberal, she was big on entitlements, and opted to order off the pricier dinner menu. 

I intentionally chose the day after the inauguration for my first date, as every liberal I know was changing their shorts with every Obama event that week….including the “We are One” concert which was exclusively licensed to HBO.  Apparently “We” are “One” only if we have HBO. Bring us together baby. Bring us together. 

I figured by the time the actor returned with her Pinot, I would be nodding, agreeing, and voicing these words: Yes. The Inauguration brought tears to my eyes. Yes. I am glad Bush is gone forever. Yes. He is the change he told me that I am waiting for….We are the change he’s been waiting for….We should stop waiting and change….whatever…Yes. Yes. Yes.  

It was like fishing for Halibut…which incidentally I just learned that you don’t strike a halibut…you just sort of let it run with the bait. So I waited and waited. Waiting for the halibut to run so I could pick my moment at the height of hers and announce that I was a Republican. Watch her expression change from joy to disgust to anger and then I would fight. I’d fight that halibut to the bitter end, drag it up to the boat, Billy club it with facts and common sense, and then come home, gut it, cook it, and serve it up Al Mojo on Big Hollywood….on the pricier dinner menu. 

But here’s the thing.  The Halibut never ran. 

She never brought it up.  Not once.  She never mentioned Obama, the inauguration, change, hope, tax hikes, socialism….nada. Now let me recap real quickly…..this is a girl living as artist in LA, raised in New York, a Liberal from Harvard, ample bosom, and she never even uttered his name the day after the inauguration. Now there are a few ways to interpret this: 

1. She hadn’t heard about the election.
2. She was classy enough to not assume I was an Obama fan
3. She had ample bosom.
4. B and C 

I was pretty sure the answer was D.  Now this may be disappointing to some readers but I have to remind you all that I promised authentic reporting regardless of the outcome. The goal here is to learn. 

And what I learned was that Gwendolib was very charming. She was flattered that I remembered her from years back, and was “pleasantly surprised” that I contacted her.

She had a great sense of humor with a hint of vulnerability sprinkled with that certain I have showered today vibe which I had not anticipated. Bottom line was…I liked her. 

All of the sudden I was racked with guilt. I was a liar…a manipulator. Should I tell her the truth? That I used her? That I prejudged her?  That I think Falconry is pretty cool?  As I wrestled with this moral anaconda, I sensed something strange….a presence. I looked down the bar where I saw a phantom image of Breitbart, unshaven and very pissed off. He was staring at me. He whispered but I heard it: “Dig deeper Jon.” Then he swallowed 7 fingers of straight bourbon, punched the guy next to him in the face for no apparent reason, and sauntered out. He was right. I had to dig deeper. 

It was at that moment, the actor brought our meal: a strawberry pecan salad for her…Sliders for me. She looked down at my plate with a half smile. Although there were only 3 mini burgers, I felt as if she wanted one, so I offered 33% of my meal to her. She declined. Gwendolib was a vegetarian. I felt a tug at the line. Breitbart who had apparently come back in for another tumbler of bourbon, whispered from the end of the bar “Let out some line.” Then he punched another guy in the face. 

So I asked her a single question: Why are you a vegetarian? 

And then the Halibut ran…..As I raised the slider toward my mouth, she described to me in detail, the cruel and horrific process by which cows are raised…the inhumane conditions…and their ultimate violent slaughter.  I won’t bore you with the specifics, but it actually sounded kind of brutal…if you’re a cow. 

I considered what she was saying. Was this enough?  Was this enough for me to stand up right there and announce: 

I am a Republican. I am a Carnivore. Ted Nugent kicks ass. But again, I didn’t and I’ll tell you why. Because as my eyes went from her, to the mini burger then back to her again, she smiled, winked, and said “Dig in. I’ll still kiss you.”  I felt a stimulus in my package but maintained my composure. 

I said “I like your leather boots. Maybe I’ll kiss you back.” 

She smiled, acknowledging her own hypocrisy and my witty repartee.  I felt sufficiently vindicated and sunk my teeth into the 1^st of three Sliders. 

I know what you’re thinking. This guy’s changing the rules as he goes along. He’s not adhering to his own mandate. Sound like anyone else?  

But as I mentioned early on, liberals come in all different forms and I have the honor….the distinct privilege of writing a recurring column and such it is my responsibility to make tough choices. That being said, I felt that there was no need to declare myself a Republican, and that there was more be learned by revisiting Gwendolib in the future.  Let out some more line.

Already I had learned something: I could have chemistry with a liberal. It’s pretty obvious when you see us together. 

    Jon David (R – L.A.)                    Gwendolib (D – New York/ L.A.) 

Note: I walked her to the Valet. Being a liberal, she was big on entitlements. Of course, she drove a Prius, on which there was no Obama sticker to be found.