“I like her make up. I’m pretty sure it was tested on animals.”

That’s one of the many lines the screenwriters use to show off the cold personality of Rachel Kramer (Drew Barrymore) in the new film, “Big Miracle.” Adapted from the nonfiction book “Freeing the Whales” by Thomas Rose, “Miracle” presents Kramer as a hardcore Greenpeace activist who is unwilling to watch three whales die when they are trapped five miles inland in northern Alaska.

Unfortunately, the heavy-handed script — full of obnoxious lines like the one above — and Barrymore’s poor performance undercut what could have been a decent family film.

The story revolves around three whales trapped in the middle of an icy landscape. The magnificent creature need pockets of unfrozen land to breathe and none exist around them, so they are forced to remain in a little hole that could freeze up at any time. That is until a reporter named Adam Carlson (John Krasinki) brings the story to a local television network.

His report receives worldwide attention because– it turns out–Tom Brokaw has “a thing for whales.“ Brokaw includes the report on a national newscast and soon enough, members of the media are swarming Alaska to save three whales that would have died otherwise.

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Once released on DVD, conservative parents everywhere should immediately buy a copy of “Away We Go,” place it in a box marked Break Glass Only In Case of Emergency, and hang it somewhere handy in the event the children begin to show troubling signs of becoming insufferable Leftists: White kids with corn rows, NPR on the preset, Al Gore poster on the ceiling over the bed, more than five sanctimonious “awareness” bracelets…  That’s how it begins, so before they’re lost to the final phase — a complete lack of self-awareness — break the glass and show your children who exactly they’re in danger of becoming.  

Directed by the very gifted Sam Mendes, (American Beauty and Road to Perdition are two personal favorites) “Away We Go” obviously wasn’t designed to portray our friends on the left as utterly dysfunctional and clueless, but never will you see a more unsympathetic bunch of self-involved, navel gazers. And not just the supporting characters, some of whom are supposed to be unlikable (I think), but also the leads, Burt (John Krasinski) and Verona (Maya Rudolph), two self-proclaimed 34 year-old, unmarried “fuck ups” who discover they’re about to have a baby. In their defense, they are a committed couple (he wants marriage, she refuses), so committed that when she laments the coming weight gain, he reassures, “I will love you even if I can’t find your vagina.” (more…)

With 400,000 Americans showing up every year at the Indy 500 and 200,000 more buying tickets to see NASCAR’s premiere event The Daytona 500, you would think that the most creative minds in Hollywood would be looking for a way to cash in with more movies about car racing and car culture. NASCAR has an estimated 75 million fans, and it is second only to the National Football League in terms of television ratings, so where are all the good racing movies?

Jordana Brewster is reunited with Vin, Paul and Michelle in FAST & FURIOUS

Universal seems to have answered that question by getting its successful street racing franchise back into the fast lane this weekend with Fast & Furious. The movie, which reunites Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster and Michelle Rodriguez for the first time since 2001’s original surprise blockbuster, has exploded to a high octane $30.11M or so on Friday and that could mean a $70M opening weekend. That would make it the all-time #1 opening for a car racing movie.

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Universal’s Fast & Furious will be “burning rubber” this weekend at America’s multiplexes as the original street-racing cast reunites after some sub-par chapters of the franchise.

The original The Fast & The Furious hit theatres in 2001 under the direction of Rob Cohen who had shown a knack for action with Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story ($35M US cume) and Sly Stallone’s Daylight ($33M US cume) and a savvy feel for bigger-than-life characters in his Golden Globe winning biopic The Rat Pack (which, if you’ve never seen you should put in your Netflix cue and prepare to be amazed by Don Cheadle’s turn as Sammy Davis, Jr.). In tow, he had a 34-year-old Vin Diesel in only his second starring role following the surprise low budget hit Pitch Black ($39M cume) and 28-year-old Paul Walker, who had just starred in Cohen’s forgettable The Skulls. Also in the cast was Jordana Brewster (As the World Turns) and a pre-Lost Michelle Rodriguez, whose most notable credit was a gritty little indie called Girlfight.

Vin Diesel returns for FAST & FURIOUS

The result was box office jet fuel. Seemingly out of nowhere, The Fast & The Furious scored a scalding $40M opening weekend and reached $144.5M domestic and over $200M worldwide. But Diesel, whose signature line in the original movie is “I live my life one quarter of a mile at a time,” didn’t like the script for the sequel (or they wouldn’t pay his asking price depending on who you ask). That led to the 2003 sequel 2 Fast 2 Furious directed by Academy Award nominee John Singleton (Boyz n the Hood) starring Walker along with rapper Tyrese Gibson and Eva Mendes. Despite Diesel’s conspicuous absence, 2 Fast still delivered $127M in the US. (more…)

It is an excellent weekend for Dreamworks Animation. Although the credit crunch prevented financing that would allow exhibitors to undertake the digital conversion of more of its theatres, Monsters vs. Aliens is benefiting spectacularly from the 2,075 or so standard Digital 3-D engagements and the added 143 Digital IMAX runs. The audaciously ambitious animated send-up of 50’s B-movies has used the “bleeding edge” of technology to milk an estimated $16.7M in opening day ticket sales. The which could translate to $58M or so for the 3-day weekend.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS towers over previous 3-D releases from Hollywood

If that number holds, and, if anything, they could drift higher as family audiences flood America’s multiplexes, Monsters vs. Aliens will be the all-time third-best opening in the month of March.

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Jeffrey Katzenberg has been the film industry’s strongest proponent of 3-D over the past few years, and this weekend his advocacy will start paying dividends for Dreamworks Amimation. Monsters Vs. Aliens will debut with 4,104 playdates. That makes it the 13th-widest release in modern film history, and it becomes the biggest non-summer debut of all-time.

Jeffrey Katzenberg - The Pied Piper for Digital 3-D

ALL-TIME WIDEST NON-SUMMER RELEASES
- with summer defined as May 1 – August 30 -
1. 3/27/09 – Monsters Vs. Aliens – 4,104 playdates
2. 11/07/08 – Madagascar 2 – 4,056 playdates
3. 10/01/04 – Shark Tale – 4,016
4. 3/31/06 – Ice Age: The Meltdown – 3,964
5. 3/14/08 – Dr. Suess’ Horton Hears A Who – 3,954

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