So Obama’s speech Thursday morning was like the free buffet at a low-level hotel: a balanced breakfast served way too early, and I slept right through it.

However, lucky for me, I found the transcript, and what a balanced meal it was! Muslim outreach on one side of the plate, the Jews were the kosher meat of choice, 9/11 were the hash browns, with Al Qaeda the bitter, decorative sprig on top.

If you look at the response, you can’t say it was a bad speech. On one side there were Arabs who wanted more, and then there was CNN fondling themselves in public. Everyone else seemed okay with it.

Sure, if it were Ronald Reagan, he would have praised America more, as the “shining city upon a hill.” If it were Moveon.org, it would have been war crimes for Bush and praise for Hezbollah. If it were Joe Biden, it would have been all about Joe Biden. And it would have been hilarious, with or without Neil Kinnock’s assistance. (more…)

I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room, so I’ll just come out and say it. Christians are corny, out of touch, lonely creepers who generally end up becoming murderers or rapists…. At least that’s what Hollywood’s taught me.

Not to mention they’re all a bunch of minority-bashing fear mongers. Why does anyone continue to allow this hateful, extremist group to exist? Am I the only one who feels that they could stand to learn a lot from the peaceful, Muslim folk?

If I hadn’t been raised in such a logical household, the entertainment industry would have elicited only one reaction from me in regards to “Christians”; “Good God, these people are crazy.”

It all started with the flick “Carrie.” Who can forget Sissy Spacek’s loopy, evangelical mom citing Bible verses amidst insane spiritual tirades until she was finally skewered with every kitchen utensil in the cabinet…all to a disturbing orgasmic moaning session. The scene was used to drive the point home: Christians are dangerous and nuts, but they’re great to make fun of. (more…)

In my Big Hollywood post of April 27th, I decried the media’s acting as a cheerleading fourth branch of government, in which the MSM has not only assumed a Dear Leader-like reverence and awe for our new president, but attacks any and all critics with slander, ridicule, and even intimidation, and discounts any real concerns by the public as right wing extremist rabble-rousing and racism.

Given my love of true reporting and Woodward and Bernstein-like investigative journalism, which is really nowhere to be found in this Messianic Media Age of Obama, it was a very depressing piece to write. But after the recent flyover of New York City by Air Force One and F-16 fighter jets, which sent half of the Big Apple fleeing for their lives, it occurred to me.

How would the Left report the news if Obama were a Republican, i.e. an Uncle Tom, as many on the Left call now-GOP Chairman Michael Steele? Eureka! That’s it! See, it’s one thing for me to point out the obvious, as I did in my media slam yesterday. But what if we walked GOP President Obama’s media coverage through the mirror darkly, as was SOP for President Bush?

NOW we’re gonna have some fun! (more…)

Earlier this week, UPI reported Vice-President Joe Biden and his wife released their 2008 tax returns and while the Second Couple had an adjusted gross income (AGI) of $269,256, they gave a mere $1,885 to charity.  Not quite the Biblical standard of a tithe. According to a statement by the White House, the charitable donations are “NOT (my emphasis added) the sum of their annual contributions to charity. They donate to their church, among other contributions.” Then what is the sum of their contributions to charity? Inquiring minds want to know.

I realize many recent political appointees have had tax avoidance issues but no one has yet been accused of understating their charitable contributions. Even Turbo Tax encourages you to take full advantage of charitable contributions in several different ways, as I’m sure the Treasury Secretary can attest.  But on the bright side, the Biden Family increased their charitable givings fifteen-fold compared to a decade ago. (more…)

Just in case you’ve never read my bio, I am a stand-up comedian and have been slinging jokes for over thirty years. I have had my ups and downs, worked the road for years, gigged in dumps and Vegas palaces, done TV and had a few shots at the big time. I have hurt my career by my personal behavior and I blame no one but myself for that.

I reinvented myself as a performer almost as many time as Dylan and I’m still standing. To quote my good friend, radio host Marc Germain, “I’m better than most and not as good as some.” (more…)

Copied below is the ACTUAL letter that I sent to and was signed for by Lorne Micheals (and assistant) today over at NBC. I know that the writing is a little less snippy than usual, but please take into account that this man could squash my nuts into oblivion. There’s plenty of room for suggestions, so I encourage you to chime in.  And bear in mind, Lorne may be stopping by here.

Dear Mr. Michaels

I write this letter not as a disgruntled fan, but as a true admirer of what SNL stands for (and as a fellow Canadian/American). We both know how popular it is to mutter things like “I liked SNL, back when it was good” or “SNL used to be cool, but now their writing sucks etc.” Trust me; I’m as annoyed by those folks as you are. I truly believe that you have one of the most talented casts ever assembled over there at NBC. (more…)

Ever since Bill Clinton gave us the greatest insight into the modern political mind with the words, “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is,” it has become important for the intelligent citizen to closely parse all political speech. I didn’t listen to President Obama’s speech to Congress live because I was busy watching a “Maude” marathon on some obscure cable network. I recorded the speech so I could fast forward through all of the obligatory applause breaks and got his hour and ten minute speech down to forty five minutes. I pulled out a few quotes from the speech so I could break them down and share their deeper meaning. Mr. Obama’s words will be in bold and my explanation will follow. I may have missed your favorite quote, or your take on these may be a little different than mine, so feel free to add it when you comment.

“Nor did all of our problems begin when the housing market collapsed or the stock market sank. We have known for decades that our survival depends on finding new sources of energy.”

So your theory, Mr. President, is that if we would have given out a wind turbine or a solar panel with every bad loan we would be ok today? (more…)