Director Brad Bird is basking in boffo box office returns for his first live-action feature, “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.”

But Bird proved he could tell a terrific story way back in 1999 with the beautifully crafted animated film “The Iron Giant.”

“Giant” didn’t use computers to generate its characters, and the only bankable star in the vocal cast, Jennifer Aniston, wasn’t even atop the A-list at the time. Bird relied on an old-fashioned story leavened with the kind of mature themes that transform kiddie fare into content suitable for all ages. And he might have coaxed Vin Diesel to give the most tender performance of his action-packed career.

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“Troll 2″ is a movie so bad it’s great.  The same holds true for “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “Showgirls.”

But 99.5 percent of terrible movies are just … terrible. That’s especially evident with the following five features, a quintet which cost millions to produce and yielded very little in return.

Dishonorable mentions include “The Change Up,” “Green Lantern,” “Larry Crowne,” “Sucker Punch” and “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy.” But these five movies went above and beyond the call of duty in draining precious hours from our lives.

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JENNIFER ANISTON NAMED SEXIEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME

Nothing against Aniston, who gets better looking every year, but… ever?

Here are the Top 100. No Angie Dickinson. Indefensible.

In no particular order, my top picks:

Ann-Margret, Tina Turner, Barbara Stanwyck, Pam Grier, Ava Gardner, Cyd Charisse, Maria Conchita Alonso, Angie Dickinson, Janet Leigh, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Ursula Andress, Raquel Welch, Paulette Goddard, Sheree North, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Rachel Ticotin.

CLOONEY ON BOARD FOR MORE HOLLYWOOD MASTURBATION

The Wrap:

Clooney and Heslov are teaming with Sony to turn David Bianculli’s 2009 book “Dangerously Funny: The Uncensored Story of ‘The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour’” into a film.

Bianculli confirmed the project on his site, TV Worth Watching. He called Clooney his dream choice for the movie adaptation of his book about the Smothers and their 1967-69 variety hour series.

No doubt the story of the Smother Brothers being subversive and censored and anti-American and against the Vietnam War will all be a large part of the film’s narrative.

Hollywood just loves to play the victim even as it applauds itself for being so courageous. This is especially true for Clooney. Did you see “Good Night and Good Luck”? Yeah, neither did anyone else.

CRAIG PROMISES ‘SKYFALL’ WILL BE BETTER THAN ‘QUANTUM’

Not a high bar:

“[Quantum] was never meant to be as much of a sequel as it was; it just ended up being one, starting where the last one finished. For me personally, on a level of feeling satisfied, I would want to do better next time. That’s really important to me.”

But why will SKYFALL be better?

“I really think this one is better even than Casino Royale”, Craig enthuses. “[Director] Sam Mendes has lived with Bond all his life, and he grew up with Bond in the same way I did. We have exactly the same reference points, we both like the same Bond movies, and we both like the same bits in the same Bond movies we like. We sat down and we just rabbited for hours about Live And Let Die or From Russia With Love, and talked about little scenes that we knew from them. That’s how we started talking about it. That’s what we tried to instill in the script. He’s been working his arse off to tie all these things together so they make sense… in a Bond way!”

“Skyfall” will be a crucial entry in the series. In the past, Bond films have survived stinkers because no matter how disappointing (“A View to a Kill,” “Die Another Day”) they were still Bond films. The formula was beloved and so people always kept coming back.

The Craig films dropped the Bond formula and the risk there is that they are now pretty interchangeable with other high-profile action films. This, I think, removes the loyalty factor. The closest thing I’ve seen to a Bond film since the Pierce Brosnan days is Angelina Jolie’s “Salt.”

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Our buddy Kyle Smith points out that the Daily Beast has made a laughably pathetic attempt to gin up some controversy over a line from the movie “Horrible Bosses,” which is in theaters today.  From NewsBeast’s Ramin Setoodeh:

In the new comedy Horrible Bosses, Jennifer Aniston plays an overbearing dentist named Julia who tortures her assistant Dale (Charlie Day) by sexually harassing him. She’s one of three managers (along with Colin Farrell and Kevin Spacey) meant to be so detestable that their underlings plot to murder them. She constantly corners Dale, asking him to perform lewd sexual acts. In one scene, Aniston’s character calls him into her office, wearing nothing but a white lab coat. When he expresses discomfort, she taunts him like a high-school bully. “You’re starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale,” she says.

[...]

It’s always heartwarming to see celebrities who Care About the Planet™ cut back on the destructive waste and excess that defines America. Capitalism yields consumerism yields planetary destruction, don’cha know, but fortunately, these defenders of Mother Earth are doing their part to pay for our sins. Once the crew packs up the dozens of thousand-watt (non-CFL!) lights and return the stars’ gas-guzzling trailers, actors hit the press circuit to get their (and their upcoming projects’) names in the headlines, and what better way to cultivate a nice guy/gal image than playing defense for fragile ecosystems?

The Green Police gave her grief about this.

Enter Jennifer Aniston, the former Friends star who has successfully transitioned from TV to motion picture fame and cares deeply about conservation. In her contribution to a 2007 book about “saving the planet one simple step at a time,” Aniston reveals she takes three-minute showers and brushes her teeth in the shower. “Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day!” she explains.

Well, it’s good to know that Aniston has been consuming less water than the rest of us climate change deniers… in a $42 million Beverly Hills mansion. No cognitive dissonance there! Except, apparently, Aniston has recently decided that the lavish crib is “too much” for her, and she will be downgrading to a “wooden box” a la Mad Men’s Vincent Katheiser trailer a la director Tom Shadyac $4.95 million Manhattan luxury apartment. Now, I’m no expert on New York’s housing market, but that doesn’t quite sound like the kind of humble life that, say, we middle-cass flyover troglodytes already live, right? (more…)

A couple of weeks ago at a press conference for her new movie The Switch Jennifer Aniston said, “Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have that child.”  And with that, the starlet might have dealt a crushing blow to her own film.

After Aniston’s ill-advised political posturing, Bill O’Reilly picked up on the quote and riffed off it on his FoxNews show.  Key quote:

Aniston can hire a battery of people to help her, but she cannot hire a dad, OK? And Dads bring a psychology to children that is, in this society, I believe, underemphasized. I think men get hosed all day long in the parental arena.

This is, of course, right on the money.  Since the right to abort a fetus was dubbed “a woman’s right to choose,” feminists, the welfare state, and deadbeat dads across America have done their level best to marginalize the role a father plays in a child’s life.  And finally, in 2010, Jennifer Aniston proclaims that men are officially unnecessary for child rearing. (more…)

It’s always a surprise when you go into a movie theatre expecting one thing, and wind up with a completely different kind of experience. Usually that surprise is an unpleasant one, when a movie starring a superstar turns out to be a complete dud – for instance, 2003’s utter disaster “Hollywood Homicide” with Harrison Ford, a movie so bad that its writers and director never made another film.

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Far more rare is the case that a film can look atrocious and downright distasteful in its ad campaign and then turn out to be an outright winner. Yet thankfully that’s the case with the new dramedy “The Switch,” in which Jennifer Aniston plays Kassie, a woman who opts for artificial insemination when she can’t find Mr. Right while facing 40. Her best friend Wally (Jason Bateman) offers to be the sperm supplier, but she has him stuck in the “friend zone” and worries he’ll pass on his neuroses to boot.

The TV commercials for “The Switch” cut to the chase with a stomach-churning scene in which Wally (Jason Bateman) drunkenly sniffs, stares at, plays with and then spills the container of sperm that Kassie is hoping to use for the procedure. Realizing that she has an apartment filled with people attending her “pregnancy party,” and that he can’t face up to admitting he’s ruined her big night, he unzips his pants and takes care of replenishing the supply himself. (more…)

In the kick-off to BH’s “Death of the Movie Star” series, Steven Crowder posited that new media has rendered the Hollywood machine irrelevant. If you have the talent and the drive, you don’t need them. And writing for the UK Telegraph earlier this year, David Gritten has a similar theory in that Hollywood can no longer afford A-list stars (who are also aging and may not appeal to younger audiences) and is relying more heavily on lesser-known names and reality-based entertainment. They both make valid points. However, I think there’s something more to this rapidly spreading phenomenon.

Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire – class and glamour during Hollywood’s heyday

The term “movie star” used to mean a lot to the American public – glitz, glamour, excitement. It embodied an “other worldliness,” if you will, that took hard-working people away from the daily grind and gave them something thrilling and new to take their minds off of their troubles. An afternoon or evening at the movies really meant something then, and the stars who populated the silver screen lived up to the hype – publicly, anyway. This was due to the studio system. During the 1930s and ‘40s:

…the major studios groomed their stable for stardom by picking suitable vehicles that developed their personae—sophisticated comedy for Grant, intense melodrama for Davis, and so on. They also controlled the stars’ publicity, doling out digestible, often-erroneous tidbits on their personal lives for the fan magazines and gossip columns.

Once the studio system was broken, however, we began to see Tinseltown’s residents through a very different lens. Stars began to develop their own careers, making their own decisions and living with the consequences, both good and bad. And the press, which was once held at bay by the studio bigs, had much more access to celebrities. Television talk shows like The Tonight Show and Merv Griffin brought us even closer to our idols. They became…well, more like us, except with oodles more money, fancy cars, designer duds and entrée into exclusive clubs and resorts. (more…)

-”I take a three-minute shower,” [Jennifer Aniston] told Elizabeth Rogers and Thomas Kostigen, authors of The Green Book. She even brushes her teeth while she’s in there.

-“Entourage” star Adrian Grenier has lived in an apartment insulated with old pants.

-Vegetarian and planetary crusader Tobey Maguire reportedly has banned all leather products from his house. He also “makes everyone take off their leather belts and shoes and leave them by the door!”

-Leonardo DiCaprio “stays green at home, too—with his $3,200 eco-friendly toilet!”

-Bob Dylan sells “renewable grocery bags” at his concerts. (more…)

Transcending what objectively qualifies as “a great movie,” there is a rarer film still — a special kind of drug, tonic, and comfort blanket that guarantees a couple hours of escape from punishing reality. In 1999, “Office Space” died at the box office but something about it wouldn’t be denied and on DVD writer/director Mike Judge’s sharp, savage, right-on take of suburban office life found a ready-made audience desperate for that tonic – for anything that proved someone somewhere understood and sympathized with their own personal Cubicle Hell.

It was on a Friday night and I was in the Wal-Mart DVD aisle desperately searching for anything that might help to take the edge off a particularly brutal week of corporate bill collecting when the tagline “Work Sucks” caught my eye. Normally the thought of paying retail would’ve worked against such an impulse buy, but the comfort gained from those two words were alone worth $19.99, and home with me “Office Space” went. (more…)

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I went to see Management because Steve Zahn is in it, and I’ll see him in anything. Steve Zahn turns out to be pretty much the only reason to see Management, and then only if you’re a big Steve Zahn fan, and then only if there’s nothing else to do, because even his always-fun appearance cannot rescue this picture, ostensibly an arthouse vehicle for Jennifer Aniston. (And if you needed any more proof that people don’t go to see Jennifer Aniston in a movie but go to see movies that just happen to have Jennifer Aniston in them, Management is Exhibit A. This weekend, the Aniston picture made only a little more money than Taken, which was released 16 weeks ago and is now available on DVD.)

Zahn plays a slacker (Yeah, what else is new, but he’s so good at it!) wasting away as the night manager at his parents’ rural motel. Aniston sells motel owners the painted-in-bulk art you find in motel rooms. For reasons that are never made clear, she doesn’t try to sell Zahn and his parents any art. She’s in the tiny town to sell to someone else — which made me wonder… (more…)

It was another good weekend for Summit Entertainment. The distributor behind last year’s meteoric hit Twilight has scored a solid hit with the Alex Proyas-directed Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage. Despite shaky word-of-mouth and negative reviews, the sci-fi thriller got a solid 9% bump on Saturday for a $9.7M second day, and it will likely finish its opening weekend with a possible $24.8M.

As a production company, Summit is responsible for some monster hits, including commercially and/or artistically successful films like Once (Oscar nominee for Best Picture), American Pie ($102..5M domestic), Memento (Oscar nominee for Best Original Screenplay: Chris Nolan), Mr. & Mrs. Smith ($186.3M domestic) and In the Valley of Ellah (Tommy Lee Jones nominated for Best Actor). But as a distributor, they got off to a slow start. (more…)

Early box office returns are pointing to a weekend win for Knowing from Summit, but I will put my money on I Love You, Man (Dreamworks/Paramount) to generate more in US ticket sales over the long haul. The Nicolas Cage sci-fi thriller has grabbed an estimated $8.95M to start the weekend, and it will likely finish at $24M or so. That is, unless word-of-mouth catches up to it first.

Will reviews and word-of-mouth catch up to KNOWING?

Reviews for Knowing, written and directed by Alex Proyas, the inventive filmmaker behind the visually striking 1998 film Dark City and the 2004 Will Smith mega-hit I, Robot, has received overwhelmingly negative reviews (25% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), but thanks to Twitter, real-time movie-goer reactions spread like wildfire. Here are some Tweets I just grabbed off the social networking platform.

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For the last few weeks, Summit’s Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage, has appeared to be the likely winner of the upcoming box office weekend. But, my sources tell me that I Love You, Man, the new comedy starring Paul Rudd (Role Models) and Jason Segal (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) has surged in the latest pre-release industry tracking.

In the spirit of March Madness, I’m calling for the upset. I Love You, Man may not actually be a Judd Apatow movie, but it sure does look like one in trailers and commercials. The movie reportedly “rocked the house” at the South By South West Festival last week, and the buzz is very positive. I am calling for $21.5M, which would be above industry expectations.

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In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: Bernie Madoff, President Obama’s popularity, Newsweek, Air America, Jon Stewart vs. Jim Cramer, John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, The Taliban, Sesame Street, and PBS.

As expected Disney’s Race To Witch Mountain enjoyed a huge Saturday surge for just over $11M in tickets sold, and the reboot of the 70’s franchise will finish with about $25M for the 3-day. Overall, Race posted the year’s seventh-best Saturday performance.

TOP 10 SATURDAY GROSSES IN 2009
1. March 7 – Watchmen – $18.3M
2. February 21 – Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail – $16.6M
3. February 14 – Friday the Thirteenth – $14.3M
4. January 17 – Paul Blart: Mall Cop – $13.2M
5. January 10 – Gran Torino – $12.1M
6. January 31 – Taken – $11.65M
7. March 14 - Race To Witch Mountain – $11M (estimated)
8. February 7 – He’s Just Not That Into You – $10.9M
9. January 17 – Paul Blart: Mall Cop – $10M
10. January 17 – Gran Torino – $10M
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As Watchmen (Warner Bros) falls, “The Rock” appears to be racing to a weekend win. Disney’s Race To Witch Mountain, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, is off to a solid start with $6.8M or so on opening day, and, with its expected surge in family matinee audiences on Saturday and Sunday, it will likely triumph with a possible $24.25M.

Meanwhile last weekend’s winner Watchmen staggered to a second Friday of only $5.4M or so, and I am projecting only $15.75M for the 3-day. That marks a 71% drop. Anything over $20M would have been acceptable, but the bottom has fallen out of this movie, and it will now struggle to reach $100M domestic. When the foreign and DVD are added, it may make a small profit, but it will likely be negligible. The superstitious might suggest that Watchmen writer Alan Moore’s alleged curse may be to blame, but the reality is that word-of-mouth has been more negative than for any movie in recent memory.

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One of the coolest ways to use the social networking platform Twitter is to find out what people are thinking, saying and Twittering about in real time. Here’s a small sampling of Tweets from the opening weekend of Watchmen (Warner Bros).

The Watchmen = Epic fail!

If you haven’t seen The Watchmen yet, I’d urge you to read the graphic novel first. Well, actually, I’d urge you to JUST read the GN. lol.

Watchmen.undecided,confused as superhero film with

very little superhero action.Convoluted story,but overall watchable. My opinion only

I was bored while watching Watchmen

Just got out of Watchmen…. Ouch, would spend the 9 quid on – can’t even find the humour, brain switched off 1 hour into the 3- BIG YAWN (more…)

According to studio estimates, Watchmen (Warner Bros) will finish the weekend with an estimated $55.65M. After seizing $4.5M in Thursday midnight business, there were rumblings about $29M on opening day and an opening weekend of $70M+. When the picture scored a lesser but still good $25.2M Friday, weekend estimates were revised downward. As of Saturday morning, my projection was for $57M, and Watchmen came in even lower than that.

Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Alan Moore’s densely written graphic novel tumbled 24% from Friday to Saturday. Granted, midnight shows took a lot of steam out of the movie, but that’s a pretty significant fall given that the Males 25 Plus demo – a key one for this film – were not likely part of the Thursday fanboy crowd and, despite the current unemployment rate, were working on Friday.

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