Stand Up Notes From Flyover Country: Fallen Heroes and Terrorists

As I was driving to Wisconsin on Thursday a disturbing report came on the news. A mass shooting had taken place at Fort Hood in Texas. The details were unclear, at first report there were several shooters and seven dead. Several thoughts crossed my mind, solders suffering from PTSD, disgruntled civilian employees and of course a terrorist attack.

As details became clearer the death toll rose and the attack seemed to be the work of a single shooter, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a devout Muslim. As the day wore on it became clear that Major Hasan held radical beliefs concerning United States foreign policy and had shared those beliefs not with just a few close friend but with just about anyone who would listen.

Then it was announced that the President was going to speak about the shootings. I expected to hear a calming voice that would honor those slain and get to the heart of the matter: We have a serious problem in this country with domestic terrorists both in and out of the military and we need to do something about it.    (more…)

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Tags: Fort Hood, Islam, Janet Napolitano, Major Nidal Hasan, Muslims
Posted Nov 11th 2009 at 6:44 am in Military, Politics | 26110696 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jjena/2009/11/11/stand-up-notes-from-flyover-country-fallen-heroes-and-terrorists/Stand+Up+Notes+From+Flyover+Country%3A+Fallen+Heroes+and+Terrorists2009-11-11+14%3A44%3A51Jeffrey+Jena

Stand Up Notes from Flyover Country: Sarah Palin for Czar-Czar

According to PolitiFact.com the Obama administration has thus far appointed twenty-eight czars! You may have missed some of these but we now have a Great Lakes Czar, so those lakes stay in line and don’t opt for moving to Canada.  Come to think of it, some of the Great Lakes already belong to Canada. I wonder if Canada has their own Great Lakes Czar? If they do and there is a conflict would it be Czar Wars?

We now have a Sudan Czar. I thought they had their own Czar, but hey, if it helps improve our image in the Arab world I am all for loaning them a Czar or two. We have a Health Czar despite the fact we have a Surgeon General and to be honest I’m not sure who’s in charge of health. You might think a Czar would outrank a general but a number of third-world countries with tons of Generals are run by colonels. (more…)

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Tags: Afghanistan, Canada, Czars, Janet Napolitano, President Obama
Posted Aug 19th 2009 at 10:34 am in Politics | 205570158 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jjena/2009/08/19/stand-up-notes-from-flyover-country-a-capo-di-capi/Stand+Up+Notes+from+Flyover+Country%3A+Sarah+Palin+for+Czar-Czar2009-08-19+17%3A34%3A50Jeffrey+Jena

Did You Hear the One About President Obama?

You know, people, it’s a damn shame. I remember when great comedians like Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce held nothing sacred. I know I don’t. And so many comedians, especially late-nighters, are really missing the boat with President Obama. There’s a wealth of material just waiting to be tapped, and I’m really not looking forward to four more years of lame Bush and Palin jokes. Are you?

All it takes is one person to break the ice. Example. Twenty years ago, my brother won tickets to a Journey concert in Worcester, Massachusetts on the radio. We rode a packed WBCN Party Bus out of Boston, but everyone was kind of uptight and kept to themselves, like there were cops in the crowd. So I took a risk and lit up a big fattie anyway. Within minutes, it was like a Cheech and Chong movie. You couldn’t see out the windows. Everyone was laughing, joking, hacking and toking. (more…)

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Tags: al qaeda, Barack Obama, Bermuda, Chinese Uighurs, gitmo
Posted Jun 21st 2009 at 3:04 pm in Political Humor | 16034216 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jtsimpson/2009/06/21/did-you-hear-the-one-about-president-obama/Did+You+Hear+the+One+About+President+Obama%3F+2009-06-21+22%3A04%3A12John+T.+Simpson

The Power of Language

In the 1930’s, when world audiences were asked to name the capital of the U.S.A., one answer was high on the list: “Hollywood.” That was the location listed at the end of every amazing movie: “Made In Hollywood.” How could such magic not come from America’s capital?

Such is the power of a single word.

That power has not diminished but only increased with an ADD, multi-channel, hyperactive media-centric world. The silver screen has long given us immortal dialogue which now blends so deeply into the culture that people may not know their origin, but we know the meaning.  A wise man I know said, “Image creates perception, perception creates reality.”  It couldn’t be more true in the film business.

–

In a media-centric world, from motion pictures to internet to phones, we are pounded with images, forming our perceptions and then creating our reality. How fast did the Internet meme “Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys” become a daily reference at the coffee klatch, in your email, or on phone calls?  Not long.  We forget how powerful words can be when written in a clever and pithy way.  The masters of dialogue like Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond, and the Epstein brothers, knew irreverent and immortal lines.  And as producers, writers or just Americans who appreciate a good, nimble turn of a phrase, we should excel at creating phrases that demonstrate the values we hold dear.  Don’t understand?  “What we have here is a failure to communicate!” (more…)

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Tags: "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys", "China", activism, Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond, Charles Brackett
Posted Jun 2nd 2009 at 11:11 am in Political Humor, Politics, Video | 145802No Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/mmandaville/2009/06/02/daily-dialogue/The+Power+of+Language2009-06-02+18%3A11%3A46Michael+Mandaville

Daily Gut: Soldiers on Drugs

Their valor is second to none. But are drugs helping them get the job done? According to Men’s Health, American troops are taking piles of prescription meds – citing a U-S army survey that found 12 percent of soldiers in Iraq and 15 percent in Afghanistan reported taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, or sleeping pills.

But– not mentioned in this strange article: Their prescription med use is actually lower than the national average.

Funny, that. We actually did some digging and found that 10 percent of Americans take drugs to combat depression and 25 percent take sleep medications. That’s a total of 35 percent – double that of those brave folks in the military.

In short, Men’s Health should stick to flat abs. (more…)

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Tags: "Men's Health", health care, Janet Napolitano, Marines, Military
Posted May 20th 2009 at 2:08 pm in Daily Gut | 139454No Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/ggutfeld/2009/05/20/daily-gut-soldiers-on-drugs/Daily+Gut%3A+Soldiers+on+Drugs2009-05-20+21%3A08%3A03Greg+Gutfeld

The Beauty of Modern Airline Travel

I am a stand- up comic and I love what I do for a living but I hate traveling to get there. I do between 125 and 150 road dates a year. Fortunately for me I can drive to a lot of my gigs and I would rather be at the mercy of the potholed, drunk driver infested, revenue enhancing state police-filled interstate highway system than under the thumb of our crack security force the TSA.

Isn’t it nice that after 9/11 the government, under a supposed small government conservative president, decided to take over a large portion of the airline business and provide security at all airports? I don’t know why they stopped there. Aren’t Major League Baseball games potential terrorist? Why doesn’t the TSA provide security for MLB and its patrons? In Israel terrorist often target restaurants and shopping centers so why isn’t Homeland Security saving the businesses at the mall a few bucks and having the TSA chase the skateboarders out of the food court. (more…)

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Tags: airlines, airport, flying, Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano
Posted May 18th 2009 at 2:46 pm in Politics | 1369142 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jjena/2009/05/18/the-beauty-of-modern-airline-travel/+The+Beauty+of+Modern+Airline+Travel2009-05-18+21%3A46%3A58Jeffrey+Jena

Obama’s Second Hundred Days: My Psychic Predictions

I say, why wait! While a lot of pundits and talking heads are busy dissecting the first hundred days of the Obama Nation, I’m looking to the future!  I am going into one of my famous psychic trances to peer into the next hundred days.

In late 2008, I published a list of predictions for this year on my personal blog and many of them have already come to pass. Because of this success and the urging of many liberal readers on Big Hollywood who have encouraged me to get a life, I am giving up comedy and am starting a career as a psychic predictor!

My service as a psychic predictor may be a great boon to the conservative cause. There is very little we can do about the past. The budget is done, TARP is passed and the stimulus is, well attempting to stimulate. It’s hard to stop a truck that has already begun rolling down the hill but if we know what is coming then maybe we can act rather than react.

Here are some things that will happen in the next one hundred days: (more…)

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Tags: Barack Obama, First 100 Days, Janet Napolitano, Jeffrey Jena, Kathlene Sebelius
Posted May 6th 2009 at 5:48 pm in Political Humor, Politics | 1265583 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jjena/2009/05/06/psychic-predictions-for-the-second-hundred-days/Obama%27s+Second+Hundred+Days%3A+My+Psychic+Predictions2009-05-07+00%3A48%3A34Jeffrey+Jena

There’s More to Worry About Than the Obama Tax Plan

In all of history, so far as I’m aware, there had only been two famous tea parties.  At the first one, Samuel Adams and a few of his freedom-loving friends pitched several crates of tea into Boston Harbor.  The second was the one Lewis Carroll wrote about, a madcap affair with the March Hare, the mad Hatter and the narcoleptic Dormouse, ganging up to give Alice a hard time.    

All of that changed on the 15th of April, when a series of tea parties took place all across America.  Even I, who try to avoid crowds, attended a gathering here in the San Fernando Valley. 

If you believe the creeps in the MSM — and why would you? — we were all dues-paying members of political fringe groups, and none of us would think about leaving the house without first donning our little aluminum hats.  If you believe Janet Napolitano — and how could you? — we were not merely man-created disasters like Somali pirates and Islamic butchers, but full-fledged terrorists.  Some among us even confessed to being military veterans.  (more…)

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Tags: Chris Matthews, evan sayet, Israel, Janet Napolitano, Obama
Posted Apr 21st 2009 at 5:37 pm in Politics | 1122782 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/bprelutsky/2009/04/21/i-attended-a-tea-party/There%27s+More+to+Worry+About+Than+the+Obama+Tax+Plan2009-04-22+00%3A37%3A36Burt+Prelutsky

Question Democratic Authority? Not!

This week’s Washington Times column:

On April 15, I joined hundreds of thousands of everyday Americans across the nation at the tax day “tea party” protests. I wasn’t told to go there by Fox News or by billionaires or millionaires. But what if I had?

The mainstream media and the Democratic Party – one and the same these days – spent much of the last week furiously attacking the grass-roots tea party protest movement as somehow illegitimate – or worse.

Days before the uniformly peaceful and patriotic gatherings took place, Homeland Security czar Janet Napolitano conveniently issued a bizarre report slandering military veterans and assorted right-leaning groups as racist, homegrown terrorism threats.

News anchors resorted to prime-time “tea-bagging” jokes in frequent attempts to mock the participants’ grievances. On Keith Olbermann’s hate crime of a show on MSNBC, Janeane Garofalo fused two memes to declare tens of thousands of Americans as “tea-bagging rednecks.” (more…)

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Tags: AstroTurf, CNN, Fox News, janeane garofalo, Janet Napolitano
Posted Apr 19th 2009 at 11:07 pm in Featured Story, Media Criticism, News, Politics | 1103303 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/abreitbart/2009/04/19/question-democratic-authority-not/Question+Democratic+Authority%3F+Not%212009-04-20+06%3A07%3A37Andrew+Breitbart

Red Scare

FILM PROJECTOR

thlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthl

ROLL TITLES

“It Could Happen Here!”

A PRESENTATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

JANET NAPOLITANO, DIRECTOR

IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
AND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE

AN IOWAHAWK EDUCATIONAL FILMS PRODUCTION

SCROLL

march music (more…)

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Tags: "right wing extremist", Anderson Cooper, Department of Homeland Security, iowahawk, Janet Napolitano
Posted Apr 17th 2009 at 4:09 pm in Featured Story, Political Humor | 1089542 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/04/17/red-scare/Red+Scare2009-04-17+23%3A09%3A38Iowahawk

Daily Gut: War Vets and the People Who Play Them

So once there was a man who had been arrested for violently beating another man – simply because he took his picture. Previously, he`d been busted for beating his own wife. Another man was busted for drugs – the least of his problems, since he`d previously shot his fiancé. And then there was this other creep named Tom – nailed for assault and battery, dealing in crystal meth, and most recently – down on his luck – busted for stealing cell phones.

A sad bunch, really.

Now if you`re Janet Napolitano, then you’re probably assuming I’m referring to a common sampling of our nation`s vets returning from Iraq or Afghanistan. After all, it was her report that said we`ve got a pile of damaged souls on our hands, on the brink, and ready to snap.

But actually I’m not: like Janet, I was only making a cursory assessment about a group of people – actors, actually – from recent anti-war films. (more…)

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Tags: "The Road to Guantanamo", anti-Iraq films, Governor Rendell, hollywood, Janet Napolitano
Posted Apr 17th 2009 at 11:09 am in Daily Gut | 1087265 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/ggutfeld/2009/04/17/daily-gut-war-vets-and-the-people-who-play-them/Daily+Gut%3A+War+Vets+and+the+People+Who+Play+Them2009-04-17+18%3A09%3A24Greg+Gutfeld

Enemy of the State? Me?

Wow! Here is what I did today. I taught my comedy writing classes, I went to the driving range and YMCA with my son, and I worked for about four hours on a new web site I‘m helping to launch. Let me see was there anything else? Oh yeah, I became a dangerous potential terrorist and enemy of the state.

Gun Owner

How did I become more dangerous to America than an Islamic fundamentalist with a vest full of C-4? It was all my fault! You see, I was so worried about Big Brother I didn’t see Big Sister sneaking up on me.  Janet Napolitano has declared that a lot of Americans who are only exercising their constitutional rights are a danger to the country. 

After six years of hearing the liberals in this country cry about how the evil Bush/ Cheney cabal had infringed their civil rights we have change. Our new administration is bringing us change we can believe in. They would rather spy on conservative Americans than offend Europeans or the King of some third world country. They would rather infringe upon my God given freedoms than offend the Castro brothers. (more…)

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Tags: 1st Amendment, 2nd Amendment, constitution, Janet Napolitano, The Bill of Rights
Posted Apr 15th 2009 at 11:27 am in Political Humor, Politics | 106514No Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jjena/2009/04/15/i-have-become-a-threat/Enemy+of+the+State%3F+Me%3F2009-04-15+18%3A27%3A14Jeffrey+Jena

Obama’s War on English

In an age when a waiter is a server, an actress is a female actor, and a dubiously-competent socialist cult leader is an American president, it was only a matter of time before the “Global War on Terror” became an “Overseas Contingency Operation” (OCO).  Thus Spoke Zarathustra this week via a memo sent to the Pentagon and select speech writers, officially establishing Team Obama’s redesigned terminology.  The War is over, long live the Operation! This should show the road-side bombers, suicide bombers, bombers-in-burqas, snipers-for-Allah, and other assorted, blood-thirsty, Jihadist savages that the US really means business now.  Victory through euphemism!

The unveiling of OCO capped-off a terror euphemism trifecta for the administration.  Previously, the Justice Department scrapped the ghastly “enemy combatant” to describe war prisoners in favor of the much more uplifting, “detainee.”  Additionally, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano─who may be the only member of the administration more intellectually troubled than Tim Geitner─rebranded terrorism as “man-caused disaster.” (To review:  mail carrier; police officer; business person; but man-caused disaster… maybe the errant sexism has something to do with Ms. Napolitano’s romantic leanings.)   (more…)

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Tags: Add new tag, Barack Obama, constitution, cultural marxism, doublespeak
Posted Mar 27th 2009 at 11:13 am in Featured Story, Politics | 897103 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/rhunter/2009/03/27/obama%e2%80%99s-war-on-english/Obama%E2%80%99s+War+on+English2009-03-27+18%3A13%3A23Riley+Hunter