My Secret Life as a Conservative Republican

I’m tired of hiding it. Everybody knows anyway. So it’s time to come clean, just like the Klan hoods I’ve got spinning in the dryer as we speak. It’s time for the Neanderthal knuckle-dragging, open mouth-breathing, racist, sexist, Klan and Timothy McVeigh-loving Montana militia member gun nut conservative Republican religious zealot in me to be set free. Repression is a bitch, and so am I.

I go to bed full of hate and wake up the same.  I hate blacks, Hispanics, gays, women, abortion doctors, liberals, Lefties, Democrats, you name ‘em, I hate ‘em if they’re not like me. I especially hate President Obama for being black. Just ask Janeane Garofalo, although being a Stalinist Socialist doesn’t help Obama’s cause any with me. Fact is, Obama could be a GOP Michael Steele Uncle Tom, and I’d still hate him even more than liberals hate Steele. Skin color trumps all. Thank God I was born the right color, or I’d probably kill myself. Wait, the hoods are dry! Be right back. (more…)

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Tags: "teabagging", 9/11, abortion, Adolf Hitler, AIPAC
Posted Jul 15th 2009 at 2:36 pm in Politics | 182706188 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jtsimpson/2009/07/15/my-secret-life-as-a-conservative-republican/My+Secret+Life+as+a+Conservative+Republican2009-07-15+21%3A36%3A48John+T.+Simpson

Bond Forever, Bourne Forgotten

In a new listing of film and TV’s coolest heroes, James Bond emerged in the top spot — while rival spy Jason Bourne was MIA — finishing behind the likes of young Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In its 20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture rankings, Entertainment Weekly listed 007 #1 — a move not likely to please fan’s of every hippie’s favorite spy (other than Valerie Plame), that assassin with a conscience, Bourne. In fact, if EW was going to run a Top 2 All-Time Most Cheesed Off Folks right now, it might rank Bourne’s cinematic creators –Team America star Matt Damon and United 93 director Paul Greengrass — in that order.

Damon or Greengrass seem obsessed with attacking the James Bond films and the character himself every chance they get. Mixing up a bitter soup of professional envy at Bond’s legacy and success, personal insecurity at producing movies beholden to Bond and (of course) self-righteous political arrogance, both artists froth at every opportunity to brand Ian Fleming’s creation a soulless killer. Ignoring Bond’s efforts to battle terrorism and global crime, they stamp him a militarist imperialist misogynist. (more…)

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Tags: 007, Bond, Bourne, Film, heroes
Posted Mar 30th 2009 at 1:44 pm in Entertainment, Featured Story, Politics | 92242One Commenthttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jslewinski/2009/03/30/ews-hero-ranking-bond-forever-bourne-forgotten/Bond+Forever%2C+Bourne+Forgotten2009-03-30+20%3A44%3A49John+Scott+Lewinski