Tonight’s drinking game: Jack Head Twitches!

Make sure to use the new live-blog software.

Of course, in real life this is impossible – it’s what we call fantasy.

But, not anymore. Today if such actions occurred it real life, it would simply be called criminal.

Because it has… and it was.

Earlier today President Obama said charges might be brought against those evil Bush lawyers behind the just-released memos justifying the harsh interrogation techniques used against folks who wanted to blow up our country. Or more specifically, blow up Los Angeles.

Which is why I brought up “24.” Not only is it about this sort of thing, it’s made in Los Angeles, a place that might have been totally screwed, if it weren’t for those evil lawyers. Writing in the Washington Post, Marc A. Thiessen refers to a memo noting that “enhanced techniques” led to the discovery of a Second Wave attack determined to crash an airliner into the Library Tower, the tallest building on the west coast. Thiessen writes that the info culled using these interrogations led to the arrest of those in charge of attempting this attack.

Now, Thiessen was once a Bush speechwriter, but that doesn’t take away from his point: that although Obama released memos revealing the interrogation techniques, what those actions actually achieved is blacked out.

And that’s the scary part. Usually what goes on behind the scenes is what keeps us alive. Now we know, however, that not only does our President find that sort of thing distasteful – as a consequence, he’s open to sharing this info with everyone.

Except the part where it says it works.

Jack Bauer is officially dead.

Tonight, we’ve got Marc A. Thiessen, comedian Jesse Joyce, the lovely Anna David, and Jonathan Hoenig. Plus Pink Eyes from F**KED UP.

Pigman, from ProPiganda: Drawing the Line Against Jihad

24 isn’t the first thing most people would think of when looking for a pop-culture representation of papal guidance, but if you’ve been watching 24 this season, you’ve seen a taste of what Pope John Paul II meant by “the genius of the feminine.” You’ve seen the complementarity of men and women at work.

During Monday night’s show, that Port Authority officer was not that innocent, having agreed to help a supposed electronics-smuggling ring (tempted by the extra money it would bring his family, with twins on the way). Seeing his regret once he knew the stakes–that he was aiding another terrorist attack on the United States–Jack Bauer couldn’t let him die if it was within his power to keep him alive.

At a remarkable moment in Monday night’s episode, Jack had the choice of keeping his word to have the guy’s back or (defensibly and understandably) sacrificing him. He chose what was probably the reckless option. But by doing so, Jack not only saved this man’s life but also affirmed his commitment to human dignity on another day when he was driven to do things he really didn’t want to, for the good of the country, in defense of freedom.

We saw this same compassionate side of Bauer at the White House a few hours ago, when he was locked in a safe room with the president: The president pleaded with him as a parent, playing on his love for his daughter, to let her save her daughter from torture (this is 24, so I mean that literally).

During these latter hours of the day, Jack has been under the influence of Renee Walker. Renee is an FBI agent who appreciates that desperate times call for desperate measures. As a necessarily rogue agent, Jack has broken rules of civility. I won’t defend all he’s done and he has made clear that he will take responsibility for every bit of it. But it’s hard not to notice that being around Renee, and the female president, has had an effect on him.

Renee, too, has done things she didn’t want to do. She was shaken not just by the near death of the president’s husband on their watch, but by the fear of the young mother and child she had to terrify in order to help locate the woman’s treasonous husband.

In a message to an international congress on “Life, Family, Development: The Role of Women in the Promotion of Human Rights,” at the Vatican this past weekend, Pope Benedict XVI said: “Given the distinctive influence of women in society, they must be encouraged to embrace the opportunity to uphold the dignity of life through their involvement in education and their participation in political and civic life.”

He said of women: “Because they have been gifted by the Creator with a unique ‘capacity for the other,’ women have a crucial part to play in the promotion of human rights, for without their voice the social fabric of society would be weakened.”

You have seen that concern for the other in Agent Walker throughout the season. You’ve have seen that concern for the other in the president all season.

That is not to say that David Palmer was self-interested. (President Charles Logan was another story entirely.) But a woman brings something out in a man (the reverse is true too, because we complement one another) and you’re seeing that on 24. In its way, it’s a little pop-culture clarity in a land of confusion.

1.  Anyone who goes to college at 16 and graduates Summa Cum Laude is clearly not smart.

2. Even though he is 24-years-old, and that SOUNDS cool, it’s not.  Ask yourself, is Jack Bauer a callow youth?  Don’t the young hotshots always go down hard when they’re around him?

3. Having happily posed for a picture with him, Kiefer Sutherland is expecting a little LOYALTY, thank you very much.

4. Ben has a very full head of hair, Jack Bauer does not.  Someone in that last sentence cannot fully understand the struggles Jack endures every day to simply make the right decision at every juncture.

5. Jack Bauer protects things, while Ben is trying to convince us that Jack Bauer is only a fictional character, thereby endangering us all.

6.  He probably learned the Constitution from Laurence Tribe while at Haahhhrvard Law School.

7.  He clearly has disrespect for the people of Sengala.  You can’t just imagine away a country, Ben.  Haven’t you visited the UN?

8.  I need help keeping this Johnny-Come-Lately live-blog alive, and Ben has not helped.

9.  I come to praise ‘24,’ not to bury it.

Forthwith, we will make fun of the show and each other.  Come on in – three’s not a crowd!

Ok, so we’re late to the party.  What are you going to do, set up a perimeter?  This is the show I love, then love to hate, then actually hate, then come back to to see how much Kiefer’s drinking has wrinkled his face, because I also like to drink.  Every year, it seems that Jack Bauer, the most bad-ass little man since Wolverine had his chest waxed and grew 8 inches into Hugh Grant, makes choices that put those he loves just slightly ahead of national security. Everyone else who does this pays for it dearly, often with the perp walk….but not Jack…  SO FAR this season, Jack was compelled to come back from lovely Africa to face a Senate hearing about his…methods of interrogation.  CTU is no more (which is good, as it was the single most penetrable security organization in the United States), but when the FBI comes calling for Jack’s help, it isn’t long before the old gang gets back together.

First we find Tony Almeda, whom we like to call Schlumpy, for his round-shouldered sensitivity.  He’s rockin’ a goatee, still has amazing hair, and is apparently one of the bad guys…EXCEPT HE ISN’T ANYMORE!  Schlumpy is back with the angels, in the form of modern dance versions of Old Man Buchanan and The Scowl (Chloe).  The three of them are trying to save the world from super-secret evil that has infiltrated the U.S. Government, all paid for with African diamonds, which really helps in a recession.  It’s a hard job for 3 people…but now they have a 4th, and his name, is Jack Bauer.

Oh, and there’s another very thin love interest for Jack.  And the president is a woman.  And her husband is kind of pathetic.  And their son was killed for looking into the conspiracy.  And his (former) fiancee is HOT and technically available.  And the whole show centers around the most handsome African actor in the history of the world (we need a name for him) trying to get back his country from evil rebels…and a singular device.  This device glows in a lovely blue, and can apparently do magic and is essentially more powerful than the entire United Stated military.

Sweet.  Let’s roll people…live blogging – keep refreshing the page and jump in the comments and make fun!

******

Quick update before we start – The hot fiancee is very dead, and currently NOT available.

9:09pm - The First Gentleman laid down the law, and now he just needs to lay down a little while.

9:12pm – Two Senegalese leaders trying to out-presence each other…very nice.

9:13pm - When did Tony shave?

9:15pm – Chloe has really nice hair this year, but has Old Man Buchanan even noticed?

9:17pm - Get ready for the Ohio Simpleton Players…

9:18pm – Garafalo certainly picked up some techspertise at Air America.

9:23pm – Ok, first political potshot…Madame Presiden’ts White House sems to be reacting more quickly than a certain perfect person’s is to the Kentucky ice storm…

9:24pm - Hey, TONY’S GOATEE IS BACK!

9:25pm – Oh yeah, Captain Ohio is going down with the ship.

9:28pm - Is it possible, does Garofalo scowl more than Chloe?

9:29pm – Oooh, some African militant is scared of Jack Bauer…

9:30pm - CIP, CIP, CIP!

9:32pm – Promos for American Idol during 24 are the most I ever see of that supposed cultural juggernaut.

9:35pm – I’m not a doctor, but bleeding out of the ears looks bad.

9:36pm – The CIP guy has not fallen into Stockholm Syndrome just yet.

9:37pm – Oops, poor CIP guy.

9:39pm – Crazy director guy from Entourage is the best actor at the FBI.

9:40pm – He. Had. A. Name! and it was John Bruhner.

9:48pm – Hey, Madame President seems a little compromised right now…bring back Powers Booth!

9:49pm - ALL female presidents have their husbands kidnapped, doesn’t everybody know that?

9:56pm – Perfect, let’s get Ethan in on this.

9:58pm - Oh, F#%k you, Jack. Schlumpy does not need to turn himself in. You weren’t going to until your hand was forced. Wait, is Jack kind of like an Obama appointee?

10:02pm – I’m going to go ahead and call that a lame episode. Maybe it was because I had to peck at these keys, but mostly, i think it was really lame.

10:04pm – Best part of the episode was the preview of next week. “You can trust me.” Good luck with that.

10:08pm – Well, that wraps up the first week of this experiment… easier than actually writing a thoughtful post, but I was hamstrung by the need to hold back my wit, lest I outshine and upset Iowahawk, who some people think is very funny. See you in the comments.

I know some have grown weary of the the over-the-top story lines, but I was late to the game in watching the show.  I missed the first couple of seasons so I still sit at the edge of my seat during every commercial break.  I am still able to suspend my disbelief.

The political undertones and controversies surrounding the show never enter my mind — it’s just great TV.  ‘24′ is one of the few television shows my wife and I look forward to watching together.  The clock can’t tick fast enough for Jack Bauer’s return.

The show, featuring Kiefer Sutherland as the terrorist-hunting Jack Bauer, returns after a long absence Sunday night (8 p.m. EST). “24″ delights right-leaners by showing an American hero battling terrorists without apology.

November’s “24: Redemption,” a Fox TV movie designed to set up the new season, threw a bone to conservative viewers by openly mocking a UN official.

This weekend, though, Jack does some serious navel gazing.

SanDiego.com’s Robert P. Laurence reports a few juicy quotes from Jack during this weekend’s first episode.

“It’s better that everything comes out in the open,” he says. “We’ve done so many things in the name of protecting this country, we’ve created two worlds. Ours and the people’s we’ve promised to protect. They deserve to hear the truth and decide how far they want to let us go.”

Let’s not write off “24″ before seeing the quotes in their full context. But it’s clearly a sign the producers are trying to adapt to a new political reality.

But will audiences respond to a kinder, gentler Jack? That approach might generate a few new fans, but it could turn off those who saw “24″ as that rare Hollywood product that took the threat of terrorism seriously – and didn’t feel the need to rationalize taking extreme measures to protect the innocent.