Iowahawk Geographic: The Secret Life of Climate Researchers

Narrator

Our very planet depends on them. Yet they remain nature’s most elusive scientific species, inhabiting some of the world’s most delicate and daunting academic environments. But thanks to new breakthroughs in high speed cameras and email files, metascientists are finally beginning to understand their mysterious behaviors and complex social interactions. Tonight on Iowahawk Geographic: step inside the Secret Life of the Climate Researchers.

French Horn Fanfare Theme

Fast-cut montage of walrus mating with polar bear, astronomer peering through telescope into neighbor’s window, cheetahs chasing penguins on the Serengeti, scientists filling out NSF grant proposals

Dah dat dat DAAAH dat, dah daht duh dah dee-dah dee dah-dah!

Narrator

This is the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom, home of one of the largest nesting populations of climate scientists in Europe.

Gentle ant’s-eye scene of idyllic campus lawn, strewn about with drunken mating undergraduates

Each year it attracts magnificent migratory flocks of graduate students, adjuncts and visiting faculty from across the northern hemisphere.

Shots of jumbo jets landing at Heathrow; herds of climate researchers busily milling at Duty Free shops, retrieving baggage, phoning for prearranged limo service

Within minutes of arriving on campus, the migratory researchers approach the entrance of the Climate Research Unit and perform the secret credential dance, fiercely displaying their prominent curriculum vitae. This signals to the security drone that they can be trusted with the sacred electronic lanyard badge that will grant them entrance to the hive’s inner sanctum.   (more…)

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Tags: climate change, emails, iowahawk, National Geographic, scientists
Posted Nov 24th 2009 at 1:10 pm in Featured Story, Political Humor | 26806218 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/11/24/iowahawk-geographic-the-secret-life-of-climate-researchers/Iowahawk+Geographic%3A+The+Secret+Life+of+Climate+Researchers2009-11-24+21%3A10%3A31Iowahawk

Membership Has Its Privileges

[ed. note: republished and amended from a 2007 post]

Dear   BARACK OBAMA  :

Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to   STRENGTHEN INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AND COOPERATION    .

I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:

• A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or official state aircraft
• A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
• Special discount shopping bargains for for you and your family
• Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro
• Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)
• Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang’s, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!

Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members: (more…)

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Tags: Barack Obama, iowahawk, Jimmy Carter, Kofi Annan, Nobel Peace Prize
Posted Oct 9th 2009 at 11:19 am in Featured Story, Political Humor | 24419043 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/10/09/membership-has-its-privileges/Membership+Has+Its+Privileges2009-10-09+18%3A19%3A14Iowahawk

Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski

Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86!

How’s that?

You’re 78?

Still, you should really take better care of yourself. Just look at those bags under your eyes! You’re no spring chicken and all that protesting just causes stress. Here, why don’t we wheel you over to the balcony so you can get some of that fresh healthful air. (more…)

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Tags: health care, hospital, iowahawk, medical, Obama
Posted Aug 25th 2009 at 10:44 am in Political Humor | 21137043 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/08/25/wake-up-mrs-petrowski/Wake+Up%2C+Mrs.+Petrowski2009-08-25+17%3A44%3A37Iowahawk

Filed In Triplicate

Ed. note: many thanks to Charles Glasser for alerting me to this incredible business opportunity]

————————–

THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
WASHINGTON, DC

FORM US/BJHA-1106(d) : AARA Budget Procurement Code LOL-431[ROFL]

APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR

This space for official use

SYNOPSIS:

The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, “FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook.” In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny “ha-ha,” not funny “peculiar.” 

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE: (more…)

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Tags: bureaucracy, Department of Education, iowahawk, Political Humor, The US Census Bureau
Posted Aug 1st 2009 at 6:03 pm in Entertainment, Featured Story, Political Humor | 19615428 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/08/01/filed-in-triplicate/Filed+In+Triplicate2009-08-02+01%3A03%3A23Iowahawk

‘D.C. Garage’: Outtakes from My Failed Reality Show Pilot

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

DAVE
Hi everybody, this is Dave Burge — and welcome to [growl voice] D.C. Garage! [/growl voice] Where we hijack classic American muscle and give it a monster makeover with our pro team of Washington gearheads and Beltway power tools! On tonight’s episode of of D.C. Garage: can the team remake this ugly ‘57 Chevy Bel Air into a lean, clean, federal green machine? Grab your torque wrenches and let’s start American choppin’! 

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER
D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH

DAVE (whispering)
Van Nuys, California. This is the home of our ‘mark,’ Scott Mumford. In the garage out back: Scott’s Matador Red 1957 Chevy Bel Air 2-door hardtop. Inherited from his grandfather, this tired old Tri-Five has been Scott’s baby for over 25 years. What he doesn’t know is that it’s about to get pimped [growl] D.C. Garage style! [/growl] Watch what happens next from our hidden camera.

SCOTT (sprinting out the back door)
Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing? (more…)

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Tags: D.C. Garage, iowahawk, Obama, pilot, reality show
Posted Jun 15th 2009 at 3:11 pm in Entertainment, Featured Story, Politics | 1619423 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/06/15/dc-garage-outtakes-from-my-failed-reality-show-pilot/%27D.C.+Garage%27%3A+Outtakes+from+My+Failed+Reality+Show+Pilot2009-06-15+22%3A11%3A42Iowahawk

Red Scare

FILM PROJECTOR

thlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthl

ROLL TITLES

“It Could Happen Here!”

A PRESENTATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

JANET NAPOLITANO, DIRECTOR

IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
AND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE

AN IOWAHAWK EDUCATIONAL FILMS PRODUCTION

SCROLL

march music (more…)

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Tags: "right wing extremist", Anderson Cooper, Department of Homeland Security, iowahawk, Janet Napolitano
Posted Apr 17th 2009 at 4:09 pm in Featured Story, Political Humor | 1089542 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/04/17/red-scare/Red+Scare2009-04-17+23%3A09%3A38Iowahawk

TV Classics: “Chutch”

Still reeling from Vietnam, and with Watergate and OPEC looming on the horizon, 1972 was a turbulent time for America. Nowhere was the zeitgeist more reflected than on ABC Thursday nights, with the debut of “Chutch.” Starring Jan-Peter Bronston in the title role, the fast-paced action series centered on the adventures of a mystic, Indian-like professor at fictional Boulder University. Based on the rugged hippie anti-hero Bronston portrayed in a skein of popular low budget drive-in biker films (including 1968’s “Tenured Losers” and 1970’s “The Angry Ones”), Chutch battled against injustice and The Man with a lethal arsenal of martial arts, mystic dialog, dirt bikes and his faithful mountain lion, Zapata.

The show’s unique combination of serious social commentary, folk music and violent desert dirtbike action sparked a brief but intense popularity among young viewers, spawning the memorable catch phrase “you heap big dead, paleface” — uttered by Chutch whenever a villain questioned his Native American bona fides.

“Chutch” rose to #16 in the Nielsens in its debut year, a level of popularity it never repeated. Ratings continued to slip through 1974, hobbled by weak scripts and the increasingly bizarre behavior of Bronston, a gifted method actor whose obsession with his role as a mystical revolutionary pseudo-Indian led to an unfortunate and debilitating peyote habit. The series was finally replaced in 1975 by the gritty police drama “Torino Squad” starring Lash LaDouche. (more…)

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Tags: 70's television, abc, iowahawk, Phony Indian, tenure
Posted Mar 11th 2009 at 8:10 am in Entertainment, Political Humor | 7736234 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/03/11/tv-classics-chutch/TV+Classics%3A+%22Chutch%222009-03-11+15%3A10%3A43Iowahawk

Every Man Has A Right to the Left (and other revisionist neo-proverbs)

Iowahawk hit the paremiology on the head with his collection of proverbs last week, aptly enlightening American audiences about the truths and practical precepts of various Third World tribes, whose proverbial collective experiences are infinitely more liberating and inspiring than those of the so-called Dead White European Males (DWEM) – the useless inventors of an offensive culture with dull, dysfunctional proverbs.

Yet we would like to offer a small correction. The above view utterly disregards the recent progress made in our culture, most recently allowing the Western civilization to catch up with the more advanced tribes of the multicultural community. Obsessive revisionism and self-loathing, sacrificing the individual to the collective, consolidation of power in the hands of a strong central government, and the cult of a godlike leader have rightfully made us an equal member among the wonderfully diverse Third World countries. Miracles abound. One of them is the spontaneous supplanting of the misleading ex-proverbs of the shameful past, with correct neo-proverbs that properly reflect the current truth in accordance with the regularly updated political context. (more…)

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Tags: Culture, economic recovery, humor, iowahawk, Obama
Posted Feb 4th 2009 at 8:08 am in Entertainment, Media Criticism, Political Humor | 398789 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/redsquare/2009/02/04/every-man-has-a-right-to-the-left-and-other-revisionist-neo-proverbs/Every+Man+Has+A+Right+to+the+Left+%28and+other+revisionist+neo-proverbs%292009-02-04+16%3A08%3A42Oleg+Atbashian

LIVE-BLOGGING 24, Comments

In loving memory of Andrew’s youth, here we go…

Ok, so we’re late to the party.  What are you going to do, set up a perimeter?  This is the show I love, then love to hate, then actually hate, then come back to to see how much Kiefer’s drinking has wrinkled his face, because I also like to drink.  Every year, it seems that Jack Bauer, the most bad-ass little man since Wolverine had his chest waxed and grew 8 inches into Hugh Grant, makes choices that put those he loves just slightly ahead of national security. Everyone else who does this pays for it dearly, often with the perp walk….but not Jack…  SO FAR this season, Jack was compelled to come back from lovely Africa to face a Senate hearing about his…methods of interrogation.  CTU is no more (which is good, as it was the single most penetrable security organization in the United States), but when the FBI comes calling for Jack’s help, it isn’t long before the old gang gets back together.

First we find Tony Almeda, whom we like to call Schlumpy, for his round-shouldered sensitivity.  He’s rockin’ a goatee, still has amazing hair, and is apparently one of the bad guys…EXCEPT HE ISN’T ANYMORE!  Schlumpy is back with the angels, in the form of modern dance versions of Old Man Buchanan and The Scowl (Chloe).  The three of them are trying to save the world from super-secret evil that has infiltrated the U.S. Government, all paid for with African diamonds, which really helps in a recession.  It’s a hard job for 3 people…but now they have a 4th, and his name, is Jack Bauer.

(more…)

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Tags: 24, African diamonds, Air America, American Idol, Andrew Breitbart
Posted Feb 2nd 2009 at 8:44 pm in Entertainment | 3952638 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jude/2009/02/02/24-time/LIVE-BLOGGING+24%2C+Comments2009-02-03+04%3A44%3A30Jude

The Idiossey

The Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles
Revised and Updated

(with Apologies to Homer)

Book the First: A question for the Muse

Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine of Potomac,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero’s reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn’s protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don’t mind,
We don’t have all day.

(more…)

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Tags: homer, iowahawk, odyssey, poem barack obama, spoof
Posted Jan 22nd 2009 at 9:19 am in Featured Story, Media Criticism, Politics | 27373136 Commentshttp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/01/22/the-idiossey/The+Idiossey2009-01-22+17%3A19%3A13Iowahawk