Charmless and seedy only begin to describe the flat, meandering story of Stanford-bound Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust), the nerdy high school valedictorian who uses the opportunity of his graduation speech to say out loud what is best left unspoken, including the film’s title. What comes next is the expected “wild night” where repressed Denis — and his mouthy best friend Rich (Jack T. Carpenter) — head off on a graduation-night romp with the aforementioned Beth Cooper (Hayden Pantierre) and her two cheerleader friends (Lauren Storm as a slutty dim-bulb and Lauren London as someone who registers no personality whatsoever). Chasing them is Beth’s psychotic, coked up Army boyfriend and his psychotic, coked up Army friends. They should’ve been called, “Convenient Plot-Movers I, II, and III.”

Almost immediately, the story portends the hoary clichés to come when during The Speech of What Must Be Said Denis tells Rich to come to terms with the fact that he’s homosexual. Just like that – within minutes – a major subplot has lost any chance of surprise because anyone who’s watched what’s come out of Hollywood these last few years knows there’s absolutely no way Rich can’t be gay now. Political correctness demands this tired character arc end exactly one way … and that one way it does.

Another off-putting moment that sets this film’s surprisingly sordid tone — which will be heightened by a teenage threesome and Denis “coming of age” when he agrees to an orgy with Rich and the girls in the school shower — involves Denis’s dad, played by Alan Ruck (best known as Ferris Bueller’s best friend in that unforgettable John Hughes’ film). In his introductory scene, Mr. Cooverman let’s Denis have the house for a party, supplies the alcohol (to eighteen-year olds) and encourages his son to “come of age” with the finding of some loveless sex. “Sometimes, you just gotta say, ‘What the F,’” Dad explains, becoming Miles in “Risky Business” instead of a loving, responsible parent.

In the past, we’ve seen Movie Dads wink-wink/nudge-nudge teenage sex and drinking, usually in the hopes of keeping the lines of communication open and fatherly advice coming, but Mr. Cooverman sitting his innocent son down for a man-to-man about the pagan joys of losing his innocence (which includes sharing a condom stash), is just creepy. Tom Cruise’s parents in “Risky Business” might have been a little sterile and removed, but you never questioned the love they had for their son. Here I wasn’t so sure.

In-between tired gags, unfunny flashbacks, and an inordinate amount of driving, “I Love You, Beth Cooper” does show a flicker of promise when Beth displays a touching moment of self-awareness talking of a future which holds nothing for her beyond looking back at high school as the best days of her life. On the other hand, she also understands that while Denis may have been socially toxic in high school, he’s off to Stanford and a life that’s only now begun.

What a moving, bittersweet theme that would’ve been to explore here, but instead it’s presented as something of an afterthought that comes way too late to wash away the bad taste of what’s already transpired. 

When the end credits rolled, I was shocked to discover Chris Columbus was the director, the same Chris Columbus who helmed both “Home Alone’s” and “Only the Lonely” for none other than producer John Hughes. How do you work that closely with John Hughes and learn nothing about the heart, memorable characters and awkward longing necessary to make a timeless, iconic film about high school?

Then in July of 2007, New Line grabbed an almost identical $27.47M with the opening weekend of the female-skewing Hairspray, translating to $118.87M domestic. Also Enchanted, starring Amy Adams, was a hit for Disney over the holidays reaching $127.8M domestic.

In 2008 the game changed forever as women began flexing their box office muscle in a big way. 27 Dresses (Fox), starring Katherine Heigl from Grey’s Anatomy, debuted to $23M in January on its way to a domestic cume of $76.8M. Then came the Digital 3D phenomenon Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds (Disney), which enjoyed a meteoric $31.1M opening 3-day, finishing with a tween-fueled $65.2M. The all-girl comedy Baby Mama (Universal), starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, came along in the spring with a nifty $17.4M opening, finishing at $60M.

Then the all female Fantastic Four”  landed – Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall and Kristin Davis – in mega-hit Sex & The City. After a mind-boggling $57M opening weekend, the HBO-to-big screen adaptation kept selling tickets to the tune of $152.2M in the US, becoming 2008’s eleventh-best grossing movie.

In fact, you can make a strong argument that 2008 releases Twilight ($187.9M cume), Mamma Mia ($144.1M cume), Beverly Hills Chihuahua ($94.5M cume) and High School Musical 3 ($90.5M cume) were also chick flick hits. Here’s a complete list of last year’s biggest female-skewing movies.

The cast of TWILIGHT

TOP GROSSING CHICK FLICKS OF 2008
Twilight – $187.9M cume
Sex & the City – $152.6M cume
Mamma Mia! – $144.1M cume
Beverly Hills Chihuahua – $95.5M cume
High School Musical 3: Senior Year – $90.5M cume
27 Dresses – $76.8M cume
Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds – $65.2M cume
Baby Mama – $60.5M cume
The House Bunny – $48,2M cume
Made of Honor – $46M cume
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 – $44M cume
The Secret Life of Bees – $37.7M cume
Definitely Maybe – $32.2M cume
The Other Boleyn Girl – $26.8M cume
TOTAL 2009 GROSS – $1.14 billion cume

Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Anniston and Jennifer Connolly in HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

The first chick flick out of the gates in 2009 was the Kate Hudson-produced Bride Wars (Fox), which should finish its US theatrical engagements with about $60M. He’s Just Not That Into You (Warner Bros), based on the bestseller co-written by Sex & the City writers Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, is holding up extraordinarily well in its second weekend. I am projecting a #2 finish for the 4-day with a possible $23.9M and a new cume just shy of $60M. Meanwhile, Confessions of a Shopaholic, one of this week’s wide openings, seems destined for $20M or so by Tuesday morning.

When all is said and done, 2009 could be an even bigger year for female-geared releases. Here’s how the remainder of the year lays out.

February 20 – Fired Up (Sony)
Two popular high school guys quit football to join the cheerleading team.

February 27 – Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert (Disney)
The title says it all. Every tween girl in America will see it at least once.

March 20 – Sunshine Cleaning (Overture)
Amy Adams (Enchanted) and Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) star in this Grand Jury Prize nominee from last year’s Sundance Film Festival.

March 27 – The Accidental Husband (Yari Film Group)
Uma Thurman stars as a radio talk show host who dishes out relationship advice.

April 8 – Hannah Montana: The Movie (Disney)
The world’s biggest teen star is back on the big screen.

May 1 – Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (Warner Bros)
Matthew McConaughey stars as a bachelor who contends with past girlfriends at his brothers wedding. Also starring Jennifer Garner (Catch & Release), Lacey Chabert (Party of Five), Emma Stone (The House Bunny) and pop star Christina Milian.

May 8 – My Life in Ruins (Fox)
Nia Vardallos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) stars in a romantic yarn set in Greece.

May 8 – Wild Child (Universal)
Emma Watson from Nancy Drew and Hotel for Dogs plays a Malibu princess who must adjust when she is sent to boarding school.

June 12 – The Proposal (Disney)
Rom-com starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.

July 10 - I Love You Beth Cooper (Fox)
Hayden Panettiere (Heroes) shows the nerdy valedictorian of her high school class the night of his life.

Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl on the set of THE UGLY TRUTH

July 31 – The Ugly Truth (Sony) – Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler star as television morning show workers who test their relationship theories (and, just a hunch, fall in love).

August 7 – Julie & Julia (Sony)
Nora Ephron is writer/director of this movie based on a Julia Child memoir and starring Meryl Streep as the famed TV chef.

September 25 – Fame (MGM)
A remake of the 1980 film about a New York High School for the Performing Arts.

November 20 – New Moon (Summit)
The sequel to 2008’s mega-hit Twilight.

2-time Oscar winner Daniel Day Lewis and Penelope Cruz in a scene from NINE

November 25 – Nine (Weinstein)
Chicago director Rob Marshall adapts the Tony Award winning Broadway musical starring Oscar winners Daniel Day-Lewis, Judi Dench, Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard and Sophia Loren and Academy Award nominees Penelope Cruz and Kate Hudson.

Untitled Nancy Myers Project – December 25
The writer/director behind such chick flicks as Baby Boom and Something’s Gotta Give is set to star Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.

Steve Mason is on Facebook and now also on Twitter.