Instead, Stern had a Cain impersonator on for a faux interview.

Nothing wrong with that, per se. Impersonators are the coin of the realm for comics, and it isn’t the first time Stern has used them for his shtick. Some of his best bits featured an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator – although the real Ah-nold himself has also been on the radio show.

But when Stern announced that Cain would be in-studio yesterday, it seemed like the real deal, straight face and all.

No dice.

Mediabistro, one of the few sites which originally reported Stern’s Cain announcement yesterday, revealed that a Cain impersonator got the grilling instead.

Had the impersonator appeared on the show via a random call-in, the gag would have been grand. Instead, by announcing the bit as a real radio moment, it shows Stern longs for the days when his radio blatherings mattered.

Stern’s current schedule on SiriuxXM radio is so chockablock with vacation time it’s a minor miracle when he’s actually live on the air. His new contract has him working three days a week, although he recently agreed to do four shows during the month of December – but Stern routinely takes the last two weeks of that month off anyway.

And much of his radio time these days involves either denying or confirming media reports about him joining one reality talent show or another. Is that the best the King of All Media, Stern’s self-imposed title, can do?

“The Howard Stern Show” did make news recently. Oscar producer Brett Ratner spilled some sexual secrets on Stern’s radio show right after the director let loose with a gay slur at a movie screening. The combination got Ratner booted from his Oscar gig, but it was more about the gay slur than his sexual confessions.

Either way, Stern’s Cain stunt shows his reign as “King” is all but over.

Cain, who recently suspended his campaign following accusations of both sexual misbehavior and a long-term affair, will sit down with the shaggy shock jock tomorrow, according to an announcement Stern made on the program earlier today.

It’s satellite radio, so the language could get spicy. But the bigger question is how Cain will handle one of the more curious interviewers in the industry. Stern, who leans left but can be hard to categorize politically, has been vociferous in his defense of Cain against the various charges. That won’t stop Stern from asking more challenging questions on the subject than most mainstream journalists.

The irony is that if Cain had successfully visited Stern’s studio before dropping out of the race he could have done some damage control on his embattled campaign.

Now, their chat will be a curiosity – and not much more. That’s assuming this isn’t a stunt, which is always possible when Stern is involved.

Howard Stern briefly conquered books and music thanks to his best-selling autobiography “Private Parts” (and its sequel, “Miss America”) and the soundtrack to its big-screen adaptation. He remains uniquely suited for radio, and even there he seems disinterested of late if his voluminous vacation schedule is any indication.

Now, Stern is talking up a possible role as the new “America’s Got Talent” judge. Of course, he says he’d be great at the gig:

“Let me tell you — if I was a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent,’ there would be no nonsense. I’ve been on network TV many times. It’s a different animal when it comes to talent and running a business.

Stern may indeed have an eye for talent – just look how he turned a gaggle of misfit listeners into his infamous “Wack Pack” of supporting players. But TV isn’t his strong suit, a fact that’s been clear since his amateurish TV show back in the ’90s. He also struggled to prove his worth on several Pay-Per-View spectacles as well as his numerous late night talk show appearances. He comes across as uncomfortable, his usually nimble mind curbed by the format.

His best TV work came courtesy of the E! Network, which essentially trained its cameras on Stern while he conducted his morning radio show.

Stern faces a no-win scenario should he actually join the “America’s Got Talent” program. If he seriously considers the worth of each contestant he will disappoint fans expecting outrageous antics. If he goes the Full Howard, he’ll likely alienate Middle America and remind everyone else that sometimes a master of one medium isn’t a natural fit for another.

The self-described King of All Media lashed out via his SiriusXM radio show at the pressure put on director Brett Ratner to abandon his perch as the Oscar telecast producer after Ratner used the word “fags” in public.

Stern, who learned of Ratner’s “fag” slur from The Hollywood Reporter, said he stopped using that word a while ago, but that Ratner wasn’t gay-bashing when he used it, therefore he shouldn’t have lost his job as producer of the 84^th Academy Awards telecast …

Then he laid into Hollywood, calling it “a town where people have to run around closeted for many different things.”

“This is the same industry, by the way, that wants Roman Polanski to be forgiven for raping a 13-year old, that it’s time he be let back in the United States. I would hang him by his balls,” Stern said.

“There’s a lot of confusing morality here,” Stern said. “And I know the industry wants to think of themselves as pristine, but I believe they’ve given two Academy Awards to a woman [Hilary Swank] who just honored the president of Chechnya… this guy is despicable.”

Man alive, you spend 70 years building a legacy and then do something like this.

ABC News:

One day later, the 85-year-old singer took to his latest stage, Facebook, and wrote, ” There is simply no excuse for terrorism and the murder of the nearly 3,000 innocent victims of the 9/11 attacks on our country.”

Bennett also cited his World War II experience as shaping his position that “war is the lowest form of human behavior.

“I am sorry if my statements suggested anything other than an expression of my love for my country, my hope for humanity and my desire for peace throughout the world,” he said.

Full piece here.

One comment I read put it best: Too bad Frank Sinatra isn’t alive to kick his ass.

ABC News:

[On his radio show, Howard] Stern then asked Bennett about how America should deal with terrorists, specifically those responsible for the 2001 attack on the World Trade Center.

“But who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right,” Bennett said.

In a soft-spoken voice, the singer disagreed with Stern’s premise that 9/11 terrorists’ actions led to U.S. military involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“They flew the plane in, but we caused it,” Bennett responded. “Because we were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

Following seconds of silence, Stern said that his guest was “making some good points.”

Before leaving, Bennett recalled an evening in 2005 when he was honored at the Kennedy Center. Meeting President George W. Bush at the event, the singer said that the commander-in-chief shared his opinion about the Iraq War.

“He told me personally that night that, he said, ‘I think I made a mistake,’” Bennett said.

Bennett believed that the president made this revelation because “he had a special liking to me.”

Bush told a lib crooner he made a mistake in Iraq?

Looks like Bennett also left his credibility in San Francisco.

Yeah, this will sell albums.

USA Today:

This is a new low for Andy Dick.

The often legally troubled comic started an all-out war with Howard Stern this week, launching into an antisemitic rant while a guest on the “Greg Fitzsimmons Show” Tuesday. A shocked Stern fired back hard on his Sirius satellite radio show.

So what exactly did Dick say? You won’t believe what came out of his mouth.

On Fitzsimmons’ show, Dick spewed that the radio legend was a “shallow, money-grubbing Jew” with a “big fat hook nose.”

Where’s all this coming from? That’s exactly what Stern asked on his show, sounding disappointed and angry when he replayed the shocking interview on his own show.

“Wow. Woweee,” he said. “This is bad, bad for society.”

The radio host played more of Dick’s interview, during which Dick went off on Stern for not going to bat for him when his own Sirius show was canceled years back.

“Legally troubled” is an interesting way to describe a man currently being prosecuted for felony sexual abuse. 

Unfortunately, we all know that no matter what Dicks says or is found guilty of, he’s only ever one mean-spirited anti-Sarah Palin rant from a Hollywood comeback.

If Kathy Griffin wasn’t an asshole, would anyone pay attention to her?  

Today on the Howard Stern Show, Kathy Griffin, aka the ‘50-year-old adult bully… has-been comedienne’ (gawd, I love Sarah Palin) remained defiant after Governor Palin requested that she leave Willow, her 16 year-old daughter, alone. No one should be surprised. After all, this is what 50-year-old adult bully, has-been comedienne’s do. They target anyone to get attention — even children. It’s also what those lacking in talent do — gin up the outrage for attention at any price. 

Griffin’s excuse for publicly bullying Willow Palin? Supposedly Willow called someone a faggot on her Facebook page — you know, because she’s the only 16 year-old to ever lose her temper and use such a taunt. Griffin also condescendingly claims that she must defend her friends the gays against this menacing child. Well, if true, that doesn’t say much for the decency or courage of her friends the gays. But I doubt it’s true. There just aren’t a whole lot of bullies in this country despicable enough to publicly hold children up for humiliation — there just aren’t a whole lot of Kathy Griffins.

I wonder, though, if Griffin has ever shown the courage to speak out against Islamists murdering and subjugating gays in the Middle East?

Does she love the gays enough to publicly stand up against a danger bigger than a 16-year-old girl?

Looking at things on paper, it appeared it wouldn’t be long before Hannity would be forced to come begging and pleading for a menial position on Morgan’s staff.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the actual squaring off of Morgan’s show with Hannity’s: namely, Morgan’s guest lineup betrayed the fact that he believes the American people want to spend another hour of their night watching Hollywood elites get tossed softball questions by a host who’s consumed with reminding us he came here from across the pond.

In other words, to date, Morgan’s plan to beat Hannity includes interviews with Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, and Kim Kardashian, among others. When we consider the fact that Hannity’s offerings have included salt-of-the-earth folks like Sarah Palin and down to earth commentary from the ever-present “Great American Panel,” it’s little wonder that Morgan is getting shellacked in the ratings. (Yes, Morgan is beating MSBNC’s Rachel Maddow, but that’s no feat.)

The lesson here is the same one that Hollywood elites refuse to learn from plummeting box office ticket sales and which politicians from the ruling class are still denying in the wake of the November 2, 2010 midterm elections: the American people are as sick and tired of seeing elitists and pontificators on the big screen as they are with having them in legislative offices (and this carries over to the television we watch).

Thus, while Morgan’s fourth show drew roughly 1.03 million viewers, Hannity’s continued to draw about twice that number.

Tellingly, Morgan recently sought to steady his floundering ratings by interviewing none other than Howard Stern. I don’t know if they talked about the demented topics that usually please Stern’s fans on satellite radio, but one thing’s for certain: Morgan made a one time trade of elites for a train-wreck in hopes that the old adage is true and people wouldn’t be able to turn away.

Long story short: it didn’t work. Hannity’s substance and America-first approach to life and his art are demolishing Morgan’s pretense and esotericism as soundly as conservatives trounced liberals on November 2, 2010.

It’s time for the King of All Media to relinquish his throne.

This New York native followed Howard Stern from his early days at W-NNNN-BC all the way to his current perch atop SiriusXM Satellite Radio. But it becomes more clear every day his best broadcasts are behind him. He’s done all he can to promote satellite radio, and his impact on the culture, much to the dismay of social conservatives, is secure. The longer he lingers, the more his legacy fades. Stern may have precious little in common with “The Tonight Show” legend Johnny Carson, but the silver-haired talker knew how to exit show business gracefully – near the top of his game.

It’s odd that a man who talks about lesbians, sodomy and bodily excretions can stain his own career simply by talking, but that’s what’s happening on the days Stern is heard live via satellite. Being King must have its perks, since in addition to taking every Friday off Stern’s current vacation schedule would make Carson blush.

The modern version of “The Howard Stern Show” reveals a performer far more concerned with navel gazing than skewering sacred cows. When Stern savages a subject now, it’s more often because he or she dared to cross his path. Today’s Stern seems disinterested in lampooning the powerful. Yes, he still swats Oprah Winfrey whenever the chance appears, but he barely lays a glove on a vulnerable president or the stars in his expanding inner circle.

The young Stern gained our trust because he was one of us, a workaday father and husband who understood what it’s like to sit in traffic, deal with inept co-workers and field complaints from an irate spouse. The modern Stern is part of the media power structure, and he knows it. That air of entitlement seeps into every monologue, distancing himself from us in ways that can’t be mended.

The loss of sidekick Artie Lange dealt Stern’s show a serious blow. Lange not only brought a nonstop barrage of humor to the broadcasts, but he took the spotlight off the increasingly self-obsessed Stern. Would you rather hear Lange’s take on “American Idol,” or listen as Stern rants about how much money he’d need to “save” the show? Now, with Lange in an extended break to recover from a suicide attempt, there’s no forceful personality to counteract Stern’s shtick. And it shows.

The program’s best comic bits now come from Stern’s “Dumb and Dumber” sidekicks Sal Governale and Richard Christy. The duo generate brilliant prank phone calls, the kind that both reinvent the tired genre and leave listeners gasping for air between laughs.

The phoniness in Stern’s shtick is tough to take for longtime listeners. Remember how he used to blast the likes of Cousin Brucie, Jay Thomas and Bubba the Love Sponge, radio personalities he deemed unfit to shine his oversized shoes? Now, they’re part of the big, happy SiriusXM family, with Bubba even sharing a channel alongside Stern.

Stern’s contract is set to expire at the end of the year, and already listeners have had to suffer through retirement threats. Pit bulls have nothing on Stern when it comes to biting onto something and not letting go. So consider the next few weeks to be tortured with hints of his future plans and threats to leave his radio gig.

The Long Island native could always attempt a career overhaul, bringing his R-rated romp to a new medium. Stern still has the clout, in theory, to launch an Internet-based radio show and bring tons of attention to the new venture. Or, he could team up with some whiz kids and launch an iPhone app to let fans hear the show on their terms.

But does Stern have any fire left in his belly for such a task? His rigorous vacation schedule reveals a man who can’t wait for the weekend – or Friday, in his case.

Stern thrived for decades not because he pushed the envelope or aired naughty bits, but because he spoke with candor and humor on issues too many broadcasters wouldn’t touch. His critics never understood his true appeal.

Those who discount Stern’s legacy do so at the risk of ignoring a game changer. Experts kept predicting he would fail over the last 20-plus years. So it will be fitting if he goes out near the top, on his own terms, and leaves said critics as wrong as they ever were.

There’s still no one else like Stern on the dial – or podcast. Listening to him chat up Billy Joel recently proved he can still tease nuggets out of even the most jaded celebrity. But the misses of late far outweigh the hits, and that’s not like Stern at all.

So let’s pay tribute to the King by wishing him a healthy, happy retirement – and a legacy fitting a man of his gifts.