**UPDATE: I was a little careless with my language below. Readers have correctly pointed out that “Shark Night” is rated PG-13 and that there is no “gratuitous nudity.” This is correct. What there is, though, are a lot of young, very fit people running around with hardly any clothes on even at the silliest of times (not a criticism). So gratuitous near-nudity is a better description.

In the undeniably entertaining “Shark Night,” director David R. Ellis brings to life a couple of one-dimensional, stereotyped, Southern, racist rednecks to… lecture… us… about… bigotry… Talk about a disconnect. Naturally, there’s a young black man and Hispanic woman who are racially taunted by these two inbred-looking good ole’ boys, but when the film itself engaged in this kind of racial stereotyping (and more), I began to wonder if “Shark Night” was working on the kind of  high level, self-aware social satire only a dog could hear.

For instance, the black guy and the Hispanic woman are naturally a couple — can’t have them romantically mixing with Caucasians, I guess. ***SPOILERS*** Also, both are the very first victims of the shark. But it’s when the shirtless Black guy fights the shark with — ready for this? — a spear, that I began to see the real genius in this film’s penetrating racial commentary.

Or not.

Anyway, “Shark Night” is pure B-movie dumb in the finest way possible. Though no legitimate masterpiece like last year’s epic “Piranha,” you will be entertained throughout. Mixed in with the dumb is a little suspense, gratuitous nudity, gore, action and more dumb. “Shark Night” proudly is what it is and, by design or accident, more insightful when it comes to racial issues (that expose the Hollywood left) than the Academy Award-winner “Crash.”

It’s also a much better movie than “Crash.” Not that that’s a high bar.  

But the real brilliance in the storytelling comes from a shark-attack story where the gaggle of lovely, barely-clothed victims-in-waiting reside on an island. Oh the contrivances you’ll witness to get them into the water, especially after they know what’s in the water. 

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Bestselling horror novelist Stephen King recently helped out his fellow Mainers by holding a contest through his Bangor-based radio station: however much money listeners donated, King would match. The money would then be donated to lower-income Mainers to help pay for heat this winter.

King raised $242,370. Not too shabby. Clearly, this is a commendable and gracious effort on the part of King. It says a lot about his character. But when you bring it into context with past King quotes and his overall liberalism, it brings up an interesting hypocrisy in what famous liberals and 1 percent types do and say.

In the past, King has stated that he thinks people who make as much as he does should be taxed as much as 50 percent. Why? Has King fully thought about a world where 50 percent of his money is taken by Big Government and then they decide where it goes? Just because it goes to the government with the “best intentions” does not mean it will help heat fellow Mainers’ homes. Yet liberal entertainers like King continue to beg Obama to tax them more when they are fully capable as individuals who have found financial success to use their disposable income anyway they see fit, including helping those they see as needy.

How Stephen King has not connected his actions with his beliefs is really quite amazing.

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The newest and scariest FX original series ‘American Horror Story’ combines all the right aspects of the horror genre and squeezes them into an incredible nighttime storytelling show. An hour’s worth of gruesome scenes, mysterious plot lines, and scandalous characters make ‘Horror Story’ worth screaming over.

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The new drama had a strong premiere about two weeks ago, scoring about five million viewers. ‘Horror Story’ is equal to the demo rating for ‘Nip/Tuck’ and scored 33 percent higher than ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ one of FX’s most watched shows ever.

‘Horror Story’ is about a Bostonian family who decides to move across country to L.A. into a 1920s Victorian home that (surprise surprise) is haunted. The house has definitely been a prime spot for some murders, but that doesn’t stop the Harmon family from calling it home.

On top of the house being a death zone, the Harmons have several problems of their own. Ben (Dylan McDermott) is a psychiatrist who is caught cheating with one of his students by his wife Vivien (Connie Britton), obviously causing some severe trust issues in their relationship. In addition, Vivien is working through the traumatic experience of having delivered a stillborn child months earlier. Their teenage daughter Violet (Taissa Farmiga, Vera’s younger sister) is far more troubled than the average high schooler and is starved for attention from both parents who can’t give her any at the moment.

Their domineering and creepy neighbors Constance (a colorful Jessica Lange) and her daughter Adelaide (Jamie Brewer) constantly enter the house without permission, disturbing the Harmons, especially when Adelaide says to Vivien, “You’re going to die in here.” (more…)

Those shuffling, oozing “walkers” are back on AMC, and that’s heartening news for horror junkies looking for a fix this Halloween season.

Last year’s debut of ‘The Walking Dead’ proved the small screen was just the right size for an undead miniseries. Season two, which begins with a 90-minute episode at 9 p.m. EST tonight, confirms those initial six episodes were no aberration. This is seriously good horror, the kind that doesn’t require gallons of fake blood to grab our attention.

Not that ‘Dead’ skimps on the gore, mind you. It’s got cinema-level effects to go along with the addictive story lines. The behind-the-scenes squabbling during the production of season two – ‘Dead’ showrunner Frank Darabont left the series abruptly – hasn’t dampened the creativity behind this undead jamboree.

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Sorry, George, but your zombies have been served by a little ol’ TV show.

Zombies have been shuffling across movie screens for decades in films like ‘I Walked with a Zombie’ and ‘The Last Man on Earth.’ But director George A. Romero gave the genre new, er, life with his 1968 classic ‘Night of the Living Dead.’

Romero is still making zombie movies, but they lack the bite of his best shockers like ‘Dawn of the Dead.’ His ‘Diary of the Dead’ was a well intentioned but clumsy attempt to fuse the genre with ‘Blair Witch’ style found footage. And ‘Survival of the Dead,’ with its laughable Hatfield-McCoy feud, should have been put out of its misery before reaching movie theaters.

A great zombie story demands more than masticated human flesh. And that’s where AMC’s ‘The Walking Dead’ comes in.

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I just watched this prequel trailer on my computer in broad daylight in my sunlit office with the windows open, the birds singing and the comforting sound of a lawnmower mowing somewhere off in the distance … and it still scared the hell out of me.

Can’t wait for October 21 … or for it to hit Redbox.

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The Blair Witch Project marks a touchstone in film horror, one best remembered for shattering the mold of what to expect from the genre.

No blood.  No monsters.  Just our own imagination tweaked by the single cam format, a sub-genre leveraged years later by Quarantine, Cloverfield, and Paranormal Activity.

Those films wouldn‘t exist unless Blair Witch proved the format could draw audiences in.

Made on the uber-cheap by a pair of unknown filmmakers, Blair Witch was nothing less than a sensation when it hit theaters 11 years ago. It was the ultimate word of mouth hit without recognizable stars, just a savvy Internet campaign that hinted that what you were about to see actually happened. Everything coalesced into a bracingly original experience, something impossible to recapture today.

That makes the just-released Blu-ray release a chance to appreciate a groundbreaking film, but not a moment to jump out of our seats all over again. The scares simply aren’t the same as they once were. That leaves a curious film, one that still commands our attention but cannot help but disappoint when compared to timeless shockers like The Omen and The Exorcist. (more…)

The new monster movie “Piranha 3D,” is packed with clichés. From the unloved dork who spends most of the movie trying to court and protect the girl he likes, to the quirky fish historian who knows a lot about piranhas thought extinct for millions of years, this film relishes B-movie clichés. As the title implies, “Piranha 3D” is an over-the-top thriller about piranha that attack the viewing audiences in three dimensions. Although both campy and predictable, there are enough interesting twists and exciting scenes to make it highly watchable.

The story opens on a quiet lake as Matt (played by a surprise cameo), is fishing. A quake from beneath the lake suddenly shakes his small boat (he really needs a bigger boat but that’s another story.) Soon enough, Matt’s boat is swirling around as he tries to stay above water, not knowing what has been unleashed below him.

What has been unleashed are huge numbers of piranha who have been cannibalizing themselves for millions of years and are now pretty excited to have escaped from their underground prison. Unfortunately for the townspeople and the spring break visitors, the hungry flesh-eaters are set free during the high-traffic tourist time for a busy local sheriff (Elizabeth Shue). It is also a busy time for Derrick Jones (Jerry O’ Connell), a filmmaker working on a “Girls Gone Wild”-type video featuring college teens on spring break. (more…)

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Absolutely LOVED this. So did Kurt Loder. The first masterpiece on 2010. No, I’m not kidding. Aiming to post my review tomorrow. — JN

The first “Paranormal Activity” was one of my most pleasant and unexpected cinematic finds of last year. Even in the comfort of my living room, the story of a young  suburban couple haunted by some kind of demonic poltergeist kept the tension tightening and tightening right up until the final scene, which was so scary it would take a glass of strawberry Nesquik and a phone call from mommy to get me to nigh, nigh.

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Before actually viewing it, the conceit of the film’s concept — having the events all caught on a home video camera — turned me off. But in this case, my prejudice towards gimmicks and Internet hype failed. If seeing this skillfully crafted low-budgeter at home made me wish I hadn’t given up my stuffed bunny Rudy when I was 15, seeing it in a theatre must’ve been twice the experience.

Horror is my favorite genre. The problem is that effectively and honestly terrifying your audience is in my opinion the most difficult thing for a film to do. Which is why truly worthy horror films come around so rarely. When they do work, however, there is no better movie-viewing experience. And the original “Paranormal” not only works but proves that even with no budget a skilled filmmaker — in this case writer/director Oren Peli — can freeze you cold with nothing more than the movement of a bedroom door. (more…)

Hollywood’s problems are such right now that the only way they can make any money is through soul-killing popcorn films that everyone sees, no one likes, and fewer of us are buying on DVD. We are simply no longer willing to pay for any film that looks anything close to “serious.” But can you blame us? After a decade-plus of being relentlessly beat over the head with anti-American, anti-troop, anti-Bush, anti-Southern, and anti-anything that isn’t elitist Blue State and all things Meterosexual, if the trailer doesn’t contain a whole lot of explosions or some kind of romcom meet-cute, we just aren’t going to risk being insulted.

One way Hollywood might earn a smidgen of our goodwill back would be to lay off the American military. If these Hollywoodists were just a little flexible and willing to meet us halfway — if they were just willing to treat the American military with half the respect they show for a child-rapist director, there could be a mutual quiet area in this ongoing culture war that would benefit all of us. 

After all, how hard would it have been to make “The Crazies‘” evildoers — those who bully, terrorize, and murder the innocent civilians of a small Iowa town, something other than our military? There’s a whole world of bad guys out there but as our guys risk and sacrifice everything to liberate 50 million people they’ve never met in Iraq and Afghanistan, as they do God’s work in Haiti, I’m supposed to sit back and accept them being portrayed as no better than concentration camp Nazis? (more…)

The way I see it television needs, among other things, the following:

1. Science Fiction/Thriller/Horror Channel

A short form/short film channel showcasing those genres. Independent producers, writers, creators could submit work to be aired. It wouldn’t have to be, nor should it be at the Sundance level of professionalism delivered on DigiBeta and starring Cameron Diaz doing a favor for the filmmaker because it’s her friend’s cousin, either.

We don’t want that. There’s plenty of that kind of venue and they turn down 99% of the stuff submitted anyway, mainly because it’s not the work of someone’s friend’s cousin. So forget that right away. It has to be underground, guerilla, shoestring and, most important, good. Very good. Damn good. But not expensive. How can you do that, you say? 

With writing.   (more…)

Yes, vampires are still a hot media commodity, but zombies are vying to knock them off the cultural pedestal, with the rise of zombie movies as a cultural force and numerous books about zombies hitting the stores, capped by the spoof novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies having recently reached the top of the bestseller list. An article in the Chicago Tribune documents the phenomenon and suggests some reasons for it.

First the author suggests audience identification as the main factor: we are interested in zombies because according to the mythology, we could become them ourselves (should we die after being bitten by one):

“There’s a sadness,” said S.G. Browne. “They used to be us. But they’re tragic and comical and they want to be friends, but we run. Vampires are Brad Pitts. Zombies are more like the Steve Buscemis. We can relate.”

That natural sense of sympathy, however, conflicts with an even more fundamental urge: the drive to stay alive, as the latter absolutely requires that we kill every zombie we can find. That’s a rather poignant situation, and I think it does indeed account for some of the power of zombie stories. (more…)

The explicit portrayal of rape in Last House on the Left (2009) is repugnant and coarsening and wrong. Director Dennis Iliadis dwells on the act long past the moment in which we get the point; long past when we have been emotionally affected. The scene quickly becomes exploitation.

This poison goes down smooth because Last House is creepy, frightening, and well-executed, as horror movies go. The movie looks as good as any other mid- to big-budget Hollywood picture. The acting is above-average for this kind of thing, the villains are creepy (though made oddly sympathetic at times), and the updates to the original story make the plot far more believable than it was in the amateurish, junk-pile original from 1972. (more…)