A blonde woman, tears running down her face, looks into the camera and pleads, “Why did the Mormons do this to us?”

In a crowd of what I presume are gay activists (and not film goers), a young man sobs so hard that he has to be comforted by a female friend.

–

A bulldyke (I’m guessing) stares out at the viewer, her despondent face sopping wet.

And one of the stars of the film, a pretty gay boy (and ex-Mormon) named Tyler Barrick – who seems have been inspired by Barbra Streisand in A Star Is Born – clings to his husband and bawls, “I can’t believe that people could hate us this much!” Really?  I can.

Judging from these nuggets, 8MP signals a new tactic (and new low) in the gay crusade to redefine the traditional meaning of the word “marriage”: frantic blubbering.   The filmmakers, all of whom are gay and most of whom boast street creds from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, seem to think they’ll win hearts and minds with a showy flood of tears.  They won’t.  The LGBT M.O .may have switched from rage to rue, but it’s still missing the mark.

Also irksome about this two-minute pity party are the vexing, tiresome questions it raises for independent gay people who don’t go in for Fire Island, Atlantis Cruises, zero-percent body fat, or mass approval: What’s wrong with this picture – and Why don’t I buy it?

The vast majority of Americans – many of them minorities, and many of them gay - simply believe a child’s best shot at a good life starts with a mother and a father, two consenting people of opposite sexes who can actually reproduce in the first place.  This belief has nothing to do with denying same-sex love, or equality, or rights.  It simply has to do with the basic, biological reality of conceiving and raising children.

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m continually thrilled and inspired by my fellow gays’ ability to build amazing lives, communities, and families for themselves, especially in the face of monumental adversities like AIDS.  And there is something truly heartwarming about the sight of two committed men (or women) reaching beyond themselves to care for a child (or two, or three).  Many gay people make exemplary parents.  We are, after all, human too (for those of you who think otherwise).

But the traditional definition of family remains sacrosanct to most Americans, and has since long before the Stonewall Riots brought gay rights out of the closet.  There’s nothing wrong with trusting in the conventional notion of the nuclear family, just as there is nothing wrong with being openly gay.  These two belief systems need to learn to COEXIST, as the bumper stickers say.  And that requires a two-way street.

“But Spain allows gay marriage – and that’s a Catholic country!” So what.  Spain doesn’t have three hundred million people living in it.

8MP promises to reveal details of a secret, “orchestrated campaign” by the Mormon Church to nefariously ban same-sex marriage across the entire USA.  Okay.  So remind me again what isn’t an orchestrated campaign?  When I see a montage of young, good looking, able-bodied homosexuals wracked with sobs because a church doesn’t approve of their lifestyle – Duh! - that strikes me as a campaign of emotional blackmail on a pretty grand scale.

To lend their conspiracy theory a malevolence it otherwise wouldn’t have, the filmmakers flash images of: George W. Bush (a.k.a. Evil Incarnate) shaking hands with a Mormon honcho; a young gay man bloodied in a riot (”I’m surprised I’m not dead!”), and a lesbian (I think) being led off in handcuffs (just in case you forgot you’re living in a police state).  And no piece of regressive – excuse me, progressive - propaganda would be complete without opportunistic prophecies of “the demise of our democracy!”

It’s true that Mormons, who comprise a measly two per cent of California’s population, managed to raise nearly half of the $22.8 million collected in support of Proposition 8 without drawing a lot of attention to themselves.  That’s modesty for you.  But contrary to popular mythology (and wishful thinking), that doesn’t mean the Church of LDS is the new Nazi Party.  As with the gay community, there is more diversity (of thought) among the pasty-faced followers of John Joseph Smith than meets the eye.

Just as all Muslims are not terrorists, all Mormons are not homophobes.  At the height of Prop 8 hysteria back in October 2008, The New Statesman reported that thousands of LDS believers demanded that their names be removed from Church records so they would not be associated with an organization perceived as being anti-gay.

“It’s been a very divisive issue,” said LA-based Mormon bishop Robert Bennion, who has an openly gay brother (with whom he is very close).  “It raises a lot of questions to which there aren’t a lot of crystal clear answers, and almost everybody feels like you have to be on one side or the other….  In my mind, it’s possible to be in favor of Proposition 8 without being anti-homosexual.”  Again, this is a war over a word.

For contrast, note the choice of words in this thoughtful comment left on an anti-Prop 8 website by a pro-gay marriage activist:  “I was going through the list of [Mormon] contributors and… I noticed that two people have died since making their donations, so I suppose that puts us up by two.  Every little bit helps!”  How many hearts and minds do you suppose he won that day?

8MP appears to be more of an anti-Valentine to Mormonism than a rational case for gay marriage (i.e. payback time for the filmmakers, including Oscar-winning Milk scribe Dustin Lance Black, who narrates).  After all, Mormons are, like the stereotype of Christians, devout white devils, the scapegoats of the age, the new boogeyman of post-9/11 America.

But as Jonah Goldberg posed to his fire-and-brimstone liberal readers:

“If opposition to gay marriage is morally indistinguishable from Jim Crow racism, anti-Semitism and the like (as so many of you say), why on earth aren’t you screaming bloody murder at Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid and the other Democratic politicians who run the US government?  Surely, they matter more than a few Mormon donors.  Why aren’t they bigots even though they hold the same fundamental position as Mormons?”

Thank you.

Meanwhile, where is the liberal rage at the world’s most extreme cadre of homophobes, the Islamic supremacists, whose “orchestrated campaign” against LGBT people goes far beyond preventing them from exchanging vows?  In 8MP, gay protesters display signs decrying “Christo-Fascists” - their oh-so-narrow comfort zone.  Mohammed-Fascists?  Off-limits.  Why?  Well, for one thing, those totalitarian bigots might actually respond.  And we wouldn’t want anyone to lose his or her head – literally – would we?

Unable to imagine a world in which Sarah Jessica Parker might not receive any more GLAAD awards, these short-sighted American whiners suffer glamorously for the camera, tears running carefully down their clean shaven (mostly Caucasian) cheeks.  Because in the Oprah-cized USA, victim-hood is power, and feelings are weapons.

The LGBT community will never be satisfied with civil unions now that the “marriage” seed has been planted – which is too bad since a recent Pew Research Center poll showed that a huge majority of Americans approve of allowing gay and lesbian couples to enter into legal agreements that would bestow many of the same rights as married couples.  As a matter of fact, in the past year alone, support for civil unions has grown significantly among folks who oppose same-sex marriage.  Right here in the knuckle-dragging USA.

That sounds like progress to me.  But true to form, gays aren’t likely to give up the drama.

Should lesbians and gays who want to make a home and raise kids be discriminated against from the federal level down?  Of course not.  Should committed gay partners enjoy the same benefits as married heterosexual couples?  Absolutely – and as far as I can tell, in a growing number of states, they do (and if they don’t, trust me, they will).

So why am I defending the Mormons?  To crib from Flip Wilson, the 8MP trailer made me do it (which may indicate how effective the movie will be when it finally opens).  In the meantime, this is America, not Iran – create your own rules, and move on.  And if you really want to get married, nobody’s stopping you from going to Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, or Vermont – or to Colorado, Hawaii, Maryland, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, or Wisconsin for the same thing minus the “m” word.

When the day comes that Barack Obama puts down his golf clubs to repeal DOMA – and gay marriage passes by vote in all 57 states - great!  Until then, can’t we all just get along?

In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: Balloon Boy, New GOP Website, Senator Olympia Snowe, Hillary Clinton, President Obama, Soledad O’Brien, Celebrity Jeopardy!, Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann, Senior Citizens, and Mike Huckabee.

On the last day of the June session, the Supreme Court unexpectedly decided to order a rehearing of our case in order to reexamine two cases that are the pillars of some of the more restrictive provisions of campaign finance law, and that, I believe, are unconstitutional infringements on the First Amendment. 

Beginning with its decision in Austin v. Michigan Chamber of Commerce in 1990, the Supreme Court has systematically chipped away at the First Amendment’s protection of political speech, culminating in 2003 with McConnell v. FEC, the decision to uphold the McCain-Feingold Act.  These decisions have so restricted the right to participate in the political process that during the original oral arguments in our case, the government actually took the position that the First Amendment does not prohibit the government from censoring books that contain phrases such as “Vote for Candidate X” and are commercially published soon before an election.  

Think about that for a moment.  We, as a country, have reached a point where our government has asserted that the Constitution permits it to jail the CEO of a company for commercially publishing a book critical of a politician standing for election!  

I understand that many filmmakers in Hollywood are anathema to the films that I produce, and frankly, thinking about some of the people that inhabit that city, I’m comfortable with that sentiment.  What I am not comfortable with, however, is the idea that the government believes that it has the right, the ability, and the power to tell any of us what we can and cannot say in our films. 

Many Hollywood liberals who read about my case simply dismiss it as a film that criticized a member of an exalted Democrat family.  They see it, like the Federal Election Commission does, as a long campaign ad that should be banned from the airwaves.  What they don’t realize, however, is that if they do not stand up for the First Amendment today, it may not be there to protect them when they need it.  Regulating speech, especially political speech, is a very slippery slope fraught with unintended consequences. 

In our case, Citizens United produced Hillary The Movie, a documentary that focused on Hillary Clinton from an unabashedly conservative point of view.  We released our film in January of 2008, but the Federal Election Commission prohibited us from advertising the film on television and radio or showing the film through cable “On Demand” services.  We were allowed to make the film but were prohibited from telling anyone that it existed via broadcast advertising, and even those who would have sought out the film in an “On Demand” format were denied that opportunity to see it.  

While we may be pioneering the legal argument, we are hardly the first filmmakers to be censored by the Federal Election Commission.  Most people are not aware of this as the incident was not well publicized, but in 2004, shortly before banning Citizens United from advertising our first film, Celsius 41.11, Michael Moore was forced to take down his television and radio ads for Fahrenheit 9/11. If Michael Moore, the most commercially successful documentarian of our time can fall victim to government censorship, any filmmaker can. 

Denying me the ability to promote or broadcast my film is functionally the same thing as prohibiting me from making it in the first place.  If a film plays in an empty theatre because I’m not allowed to advertise it, or if viewers are denied the ability to watch on television, isn’t that pretty close to banning it outright?  Whether the documentary is anti-Bush, pro-Obama, or critical of a Clinton should make no difference.  Speech, and political speech above all else, should be protected. 

This issue is non-partisan.  People from across the political spectrum have every right to participate in the political process in whatever peaceful form they choose.  Groups as varied as the California Broadcasters Association, ACLU, the AFL-CIO, the Chamber of Commerce, the NRA, and the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press have all joined in fighting for the First Amendment rights of every filmmaker and every citizen.  

I am optimistic that the Supreme Court will side with the First Amendment in this case, but if we fall short, people must be aware of the dangers of this law and the extremes to which the government seems to be willing to go.  This is not simply a case about my organization’s right to air a documentary, this is about all of our rights to participate in the political process, and no one should give that up without a fight.  Citizens United Productions will release our 15th feature documentary this fall and we are determined to continue to exercise our right to free speech.

But this leads me to MSNBC, where on Tuesday Contessa Brewer – someone I’d like to see in a shower – filed a report about health care protesters showing up armed. In it, she used tape of that same black man carrying an assault rifle and said “there are questions about whether this has racial overtones….white people showing up with guns.”

Of course, like I said – the guy was black. But you never would have known. Because MSNBC has strategically edited the tape, so the race of the armed dude wasn’t revealed. You just assumed he was white, thanks to Contessa.

Take a look at the tape from the MSNBC segment:

And here’s tape of the actual armed dude:

How awesome is that? Anyway, later, pop culture analyst Toure added that there is “anger about a black president being president,” again ignoring that the armed man was black.

So why deny this salient fact?

Because it didn’t fit the story MSNBC wanted to tell: that if you disagree with Obama, you must be a white crazy person with guns.

Even if you’re black!

Look – there were millions of people angry at Bush – and the media never seemed to worry if their own vicious anti-Bush rhetoric would foment hate. Worse, the idea that every angry person is a potential assassin just makes it harder to deal with the real threats. I also resent that my opinion, enraged or not, can be dismissed as racism. Fact is I’ve been against Obama’s policies back when they were Hilary’s policies, and even before that, when they were Ted Kennedy’s and Jimmy Carter’s. Wrongheadedness knows no color, which is why my shorty robes only come in Topaz.

TONIGHT, an awesome super-duper lineup of awesome super duper people!

Professor Marc Lamont Hill! (yeah!)

Alyson Camerota (yum)

Carl Cameron (yum yum)

and from Hall and Oates: John Oates (yippee!)

While its fun and all to smack Hollywood people around (as I did with Megan Fox), it is occasionally important to do the opposite. The plight of Katherine Heigl in the media has a lot to do with her background and what is expected of actresses in today’s Hollywood cesspool. In broader terms it speaks volumes as to what the left expects from women in our society.

Full disclosure. I have two personal connections to Ms. Heigl. My first feature film starred Dalton James who co-starred with her in the film “My Father the Hero.” Dalton always spoke highly of her and suggested her for numerous roles in our film. A few years later Katherine was one of the finalists for the lead role in my second feature film. Despite great auditions and numerous, friendly chats with my producer and me, we decided that she was a bit too young to play the part. As a side note this is exactly the kind of critical thinking on my part that has lead me to make movies with giant, rubber sharks. But I digress. In my dealings with her she was nothing but fun, friendly and talented.  I point this out not to impress or name drop, but to hopefully mitigate the trolls who will claim that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Flash forward to today. Heigl is a popular movie and television star and has launched her own production company. Bloggers, tabloids, and television shows have branded her “bitchy,” “difficult,” “obnoxious,” and worst of all apparently “ungrateful.” There was a brief dust up between her and the producers and stars of “Knocked Up” after she stated that the film was “sexist.” The people behind the film (Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow) took offense and said some unflattering remarks about the actress.

If you read bile like Perez Hilton’s site (he calls her a “bitch” in almost every article), you will see tons of negative posts about Ms. Heigl. She also took some heat for complaints she made on the David Letterman show about the producers of her show “Grey’s Anatomy.” Everywhere you look, Heigl is getting slammed by the press.

Internet Traffic Generating Trick #4: Sassy Photos.

In the Vanity Fair article that sparked the beef with the Apatow cult, is a little known fact, one already known to those of us who have directly interacted with her. Her family is Mormon and she possesses some very traditional values concerning sex and marriage.

Ah ha! That’s it. That’s why she’s persona non grata amongst the PR “intelligencia.” She’s a Mormon who refused to live with her boyfriend before she got married. She must be one of those evil, retarded, selfish Republicans. She must hate the gays and the blacks and want to convert all people to Christianity while embracing capitalist principles that oppress the poor.

But hold the phone. Heigl is a loyal, supportive member of SAG. She also marched with the writers during the recent writer’s strike. Gulp. And what’s this? During the whole “Grey’s Anatomy” hubbub, where one cast member made a derogatory comment about another, she publicly supported the gay guy. Gasp. And look, she smokes. She smokes more than Christopher Hitchens or Leigh Scott. Yikes. What are we to make of this?

Katherine Heigl isn’t a poster child for conservatism. Far from it. She maintains her own personal code and lives life marching to the beat of her own drummer. When asked about politics, she stated that it “wasn’t her forum” and declined to endorse a political candidate on camera.

Could it just be that Heigl pissed off the wrong people; the beloved Apatow team and their minions? Could the sycophants in the media simply be backing the man that they view to be the reincarnation of Frank Capra? Hardly. Katherine Heigl earns their scorn because she is a feminist; a vocal, powerful, successful feminist. And nothing ticks off the left more than a feminist who doesn’t fit their mold of what feminism should be.

Just ask Sarah Palin.

Feminists, by the leftist definition, are bitter, unattractive women who have been abused by the male dominated society. They are the types who cry foul at every opportunity. They are angry malcontents. I’ve linked two videos that are awesome displays of what leftist feminists should look and act like.

–

–

Feminists shouldn’t be able to pose for Maxim. Feminists shouldn’t have happy, loving relationships with men who respect them. For the leftist, feminism is only useful as another divisive tool, a way to create another class of victim ready to be embraced by the gentle arms of Big Government. Only through the continued oppression of different groups of people can Marxism, Socialism, and Statism gain any traction.

When women achieve love, money, and power on their own, it destroys the construct that society makes it impossible for them to do so. Empowerment is a goal that must always be kept in the distance. The end zone is always moving. If you’re a Fox News anchor, Miss California, the Governor of Alaska, or an attractive actress/producer you must be slandered, silenced and stopped.

Sandra Bullock, America’s sweetheart, has also recently taken some heat from pundits and critics for her latest film. She is one of the most successful hyphenates in the industry. She is happily married to a man who is extremely popular with all of us in “flyover country.” She represents what can be done in our country through hard work and talent. She is the product of decades of struggle by great women to achieve equality and respect. She’s also about to get more bad press because she no longer fits the narrative of female victims.

There is another scary thing about people like Heigl. They demonstrate that we all don’t fit into tiny little ideological boxes. You can be religious and moral but still support gay friends, smoke, and march for labor unions. You can be a chain-smoking, scotch drinking, B-movie director who hasn’t been to church since he was 13, but passionately support the War on Terror and oppose all of the tomfoolery of the Obama administration. Long ago, the left seized on the alliance between the secular Libertarians and the Christian Right to reframe all arguments as scholarly theory vs. religious faith. In reality, it is a battle between faith in the state and faith in the individual. Once the masses figure that out, the left is screwed. They have to keep us divided into two simplistic opposing teams.

So there you have it. Katherine Heigl is a victim of her own success; personal and professional. She also represents a graying of political ideology that terrifies the demagogues. Think twice before you hate on her. If you knew her, and not the leftist projection of her, you might have a different opinion.

And Katherine, my bad, I should have cast you. If you ever want to battle aliens, dinosaurs, or giant insects you know where to find me.

Which brings me to my subject; did anyone besides me see the irony in sending Bill Clinton, perhaps the most famous serial philanderer of the past two centuries, to pick up two hot Asian girls in North Korea? Was it the ultimate in Asian carry out!

How did that go down? Was Bill sitting in his Laze-E-Boy while Hillary was talking on the phone to the North Koreans? She hangs up and says, “I got the release all worked out. Now ,if I could just find someone who wouldn’t mind sitting on a private jet for twelve hours with two hot Asian women.” Before you can say Paula Flowers, Bill is on his way to the airport with a blue suit and a bottle of Viagra.

Did the women know the ride home was going to be with the biggest snake of them all on the plane? I wonder how the North Koreans broke the news.  “Listen ladies, you can go home with Bill Clinton or stay here for ten years of hard labor.” They look at each other and say, “How many years was that?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for Ms. Laura Ling and Ms. Euna Lee. There are some questions that need to be answered: Why were two of Al Gore’s employees hanging on the China/North Korea border? Why didn’t Big Al hop on one of his carbon-neutral personal jets and go pick up these two women? What were they doing there to begin with? Did the Chinese government know they were there?  What did we give the North Koreans for the release of these two women?

Call me cynical but I don’t think a few pictures with Bill Clinton and some carbon credits from Al Gore would do the trick. Once again the Obama administration has shown that it’s business as usual in Washington where the same old people get all the good gigs.

It all played out a little too perfect — a surprise last-minute swoop by Clinton into enemy territory to heroically stare down the world’s most blood-thirsty dictator and rescue two damsels in distress.  The press asked the White House how Bill Clinton became involved in the rescue of the two American women, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, trespassing into North Korea and sentenced to “10 years hard labor.”  They said they had no involvement.  Of course, Bill Clinton’s wife Hillary works for President Obama as Secretary of State; certainly, the press surmised, she must have been responsible.  The response from the State Department was that Bill Clinton was on a “private humanitarian mission.” How does one pull off such an extempore feat without government help?  Why, call a movie mogul — of course!

Steve Bing, the multimillionaire behind “Beowulf” and “The Polar Express,” now has a new blockbuster in his collection — call it “The Pyongyang Express.”  Clearly a man who knows how to make things happen, Bing didn’t have time for protocol, pesky nuclear disarmament concerns or international law.  He fueled up his private Boeing 737 and before you could yell “Action!” a former U.S. President was on his way to meet Kim Jong Ill, a sworn enemy of the United States — who just a month ago was launching missiles aimed precariously close to Hawaii.

But it doesn’t stop there.  As any mogul knows, making the picture is one thing — but it’s all about marketing it big, baby!  No worries, Bing’s Hollywood P.R. firm Rogers & Cowan was brought in to arrange a spectacular homecoming.  Since the women being rescued worked for a company of Academy-Award winning, greenie Al Gore, the firm wisely chose a solar powered facility to accommodate press events.  Meanwhile, the pictures coming back from North Korea were playing out beautifully.  Clinton looked so glum and stern next to a clearly delighted, but frail Kim Jong-Il.  It reminded the world how wonderful Clinton can play emotions for the cameras: “In this scene, Bill, you are meeting a man who wants to take over the world — remember, you’re Luke Skywalker, and he’s Darth Vader.”

Back in Tinseltown, the set folks were readying a hangar at Bob Hope International Airport in Burbank for our hero’s triumphant return.  No official U.S. government personnel in this scene.  No, this is where tears are shed, and father-figure Al Gore emerges to hug the dear employees he feared were lost forever.  One of the rescued women said Clinton’s team was “super-cool,” and she was right.  Welcome to the A-List sweetheart.  No disrespect to the woman, but the team may have done too much of a super-cool perfect job — usually prisoners look a little more shaken and stirred as they descend the airplane steps back into captivity.

These rescued prisoners had make-up, wardrobe and perfect hair that gleamed under the lights of the awaiting cameras.  Thankfully, no hard labor evident.  But something about this blockbuster leaves the audience feeling a tad anxious after the credits roll.  After all, the bar has certainly been raised.  Will there be more cinematic rescues of American captives — servicemen and women in Afghanistan who are taken by the Taliban or captured in Iraq by roving militias?  The three “hikers” who crossed into Iran and were taken prisoner?  Should Clinton be dropped by helicopter onto ships seized by Somali pirates?

We’ll have to wait for the sequel.

(Ringggggggggggggg.)

Todd, the assistant to the assistant of Ms. Clinton:

Mrs. Clinton? Mr. Clinton is on the phone for you.

Hillary:

That’s MS. Clinton. Give me that phone.

Hello…?

Bill: 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA BWAAA HAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHA! Ho ho ho HOOO HOOO BWAAAAAAAAH HAHA HA HA HA, uh Heee hee heeee………Ohhhhhh hey, Hun!

Hillary:

Helloooooooo?

Bill:

Bwaaaaaaa Heee hee hee heee… Ehh hmm.. Hey, Hillary, how’s it going?  See me on the TV?

Hillary: 

Yes saw you. How’s it going with me? Oh pretty well, Bill. Very busy over here in….. ah… this country he’s got me in.

Bill:  

Yeah, Barry sure has got you on the run, huh?

Hillary:

No Bill, I’ve got me on the run to important things. What is it you want, Bill?

Bill:

What is it I want?  BWAAAAAAAAAA HA AH AH AH AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HA. Just to let you know babe:… I’M BAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKK! The Slickster! The Reuniter! I’M BAAAAAAAAAACK! No more walking that rotten dog! No more boring lunches in Harlem! No more MISTER Hillary. BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHAAA HAHA BWAAA Heee hee hee. Oh ho ho… sorry hun.

Hey all kiddin’ aside Honey, did you see Al with that green ‘welcome home’ banner? And that lil’ commercial for that radio station he’s hawkin’?

Hillary:

It’s a TV station, Bill.

Bill: 

Yeah, whatever… I mean is he a hoot or what? And what about Barack ‘Dr. Distraction’ Obama. This guys slick meter is on the uptick.

Hillary:

Quite a compliment coming from you. Bill, is there anything important you need to tell me? I mean I am very busy here.

Bill:

Oh sure you are, I know, honey. I just wanted to talk to you first… as soon as I got off the plane.

Hillary:

Oh, I planned on hearing from you, Bill.

Bill:

Okay babe, being I’m in L.A., I’m gonna go hit the strip tonight with Al and a few of his greenies. He’s got a super stretch that runs on mouse crap, or something. I’m just gonna go have a few laughs.

Hillary:  

Hopefully no more than you’re having on this conversation, Bill.

Bill:

Oh I am sorry, Hill, it’s just… it’s just… don’t you just find this ironic? I mean I call the Obama camp a fairytale, and he has me go out there and save the day.  Bet you wish it was you, huh Hillary?

(Click)

Bill: 

Awww… she hung up. Hey, H.W., you still on the line? 

President George Herbert Walker Bush:

Yeah, Bill, I’m here.. You still got it bro!

Bill:

Pretty good huh?

H.W.:

Oh man I am cryin’ here. I gotta call the boy and tell’m about this one. BWAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See ya on the golf course, Billy!

It’s not easy being a conservative in comedy these days. Folks like Evan Sayet, and no doubt Drew Carey or Kelsey Grammer, can tell you that.

Add in the fact that I’m just trying to get to where they are, and not already fully entrenched in success, and a lot of people would wonder if admitting I’m a conservative (actually, libertarian but pro-life to boot) isn’t tantamount to career suicide. The fact I’m also a reporter in the ultra-liberal world of alternative-weekly newspapers, and some would say that I might as well pick out my casket.

I’ll admit that I was a virtually a card-carrying liberal for about a decade until I reached my moment of conversion last summer. Before that, I was hoping for Hillary to win it all, having grown up in Arkansas with Bill ‘n’ Hill keeping things colorful, and then watching Bill keep us out of wars and leaving us with a budget surplus while in the White House.

I bought the Kool-Aid that Bush could do nothing right and was a fervent follower of Michael Moore (I even have a photo with him where we sadly almost look like twins). But when I saw my brethren in the news media suddenly fawning blindly over the Chicago mystery man Barack Obama, giving him the easiest free pass to the White House I’d ever seen despite the fact he had less relevant job experience than it takes to manage a department store, I started to wonder if maybe my profession and its liberal slant had veered dangerously off-course.

And the more I read about him, the more questions I had. I also had always held respect for John McCain and his incredible sacrifices for the nation, so by the time fall rolled around, I was campaigning for the war hero and speaking out against the man who couldn’t even produce a normal birth certificate to prove he belonged in the White House.

All that intersected with the opportunity to fulfill my dream of combining my comedic interests and my journalistic abilities as a radio talk-show host. Bringing the two funniest men I know, fellow showbiz neophytes Jake Belcher and Brant Thoman, we pushed hard for advertising and landed a coveted spot on the lineup of one of America’s top talk-radio stations, KABC in Los Angeles.

Our show was called “Grand Theft Audio: The Jake, Brant & Carl Show,” and for three weeks leading into the election and one week after, we raged hard and comedically in the name of conservatism, McCain and against the encroaching trauma of the Obama Nation. We did it pretty creatively, too; you can still hear the episodes in the “Comedy” section of my website, www.americasfunniestreporter.com.

But then the station had a shakeup and brought in a nationally-syndicated talk show from Guardian Angels founder Curtis Sliwa. We were out of luck, it seemed – that is until a month ago, when we learned about the site www.latalkradio.com and brought “Grand Theft Audio” back, bigger and better than ever because now we could be heard live all over the world. We also have been able to use our past episodes and my decade of experience in the stand-up comedy world to bring in some major players as guests, with comedy superstars like Carlos Mencia, “SNL” vet Kevin Nealon and Bob Saget on tap to guest soon. The site averages 10,000 listeners at any time, but with these kinds of guests and support from places like Big Hollywood, we believe we can grow explosively and soon cross back into regular radio and even TV in addition to our Web efforts.

Our show is like “The View” for guys, only rather than having a token conservative like Elizabeth Hasselbeck, we are the ones steering the ship on the literal Right course.  We’ve spoken passionately (yet, again, humorously) against cap and trade and tonight we’re ripping on the Obama health care plan. We talk about all sorts of entertainment and showbiz stories too, plus sports when it matters (like the Michael Vick reinstatement).

And thanks to great people like Evan Sayet and the folks at Breitbart, our daring to be boldly conservative hasn’t been suicidal at all. I’ve found, through Evan’s “Right to Laugh” show (where I recently performed), that not only is there a large conservative audience hungry for entertainment that doesn’t mock them, but that they’re the best and most appreciative audience I’ve ever experienced.

And so I welcome anyone reading this to come along for the ride. We want to take this far and show that not all young people are hopelessly, blindly liberal. We three, for instance, are libertarians in favor of marijuana decriminalization (I don’t use, but my partners are “don’t ask don’t tell” on that one!) and laissez-faire about same-sex marriage. There’s plenty of people our age thinking for ourselves as well, and realizing that we have to wake up now or risk losing so much of what makes our country great.

We may be making the medicine of serious messages sweeter by providing laughs, but our message is dead serious. Tune in at www.latalkradio.com, Channel One, at 7 to 8 p.m. PST, 9 to 10 p.m. CST and 10 to 11 p.m. EST every Thursday night or go to www.latalkradio.com/Grand.php for permanently archived podcasts.