…there’s a real possibility that for the first time since the 73rd Oscars 10 years ago, there will be no black nominees in any of the acting categories at the February ceremony. In fact, there are virtually no minorities in any of the major categories among the early lists of awards hopefuls.

What the liberal media might call a “predominantly white” crowd…

I mean, we have the likes of Cher wondering why anyone who isn’t white, rich and Christian would want to be a Republican. Brilliant political mind John Cusack supports the idea of a “Satanic death cult center” outside of Fox News headquarters. Actor John Hamm agreed the Tea Party is a racist institution – on the show hosted by a guy who is upset that President Obama doesn’t act like a “real black president” with a “gun in his pants.” And white comedienne (?) Joy Behar says that only the majority (read: white people) can be racist. Well, I guess as a white chick, she should know. Plus, she studied sociology in college and everything!

Yes, these are the people who believe they set the social narrative in America. And yet…and yet…they don’t seem to live up to their own hype! I mean, here we have what might be the first Oscar night in 10 years with no ethnic minority actors/actresses nominated for an acting award. My goodness, what will George “Smug” Clooney have to say about it?

Actually, considering the high amount of tripe coming out of Hollywood lately, I should think that those excluded from the nominee list would be thrilled by their narrow escape.

Now there may be some of you out there who say that it’s the quality of the performance, not the color of the actor’s skin, that should count. In a rational world, this would be true. But leftists, many of them residents of LaLaLand, are constantly telling those of us who don’t agree with them politically that we are a bunch of bigoted, racist hacks who are destroying the social fabric of America. Just ask Megan Fox! Therefore, it’s quite satisfying to point out their particularly smarmy brand of hypocrisy whenever it pops up. 

John Cusack thinking: Don’t try this at home!

No matter where they live and work, leftists usually live by – and die by – the Balkanist sword. Rather than seeing us all as just plain old Americans, they like to sort us into different groups: black, white, brown, gay, straight, man, woman, handicapped, Christian, Jew, whatever. Divide and conquer is the game. Like the Greek goddess Eris, sow that golden apple of discord and resentment among different groups and then promise to cure all of their ills if they just vote for liberals and trust the powers that be in a centralist government to do right by them. After all, the people can’t be trusted to do right by themselves.

Unfortunately, when color and creed is all you think about, you often get caught in your own web of destruction. Take  Helen Thomas and Rick Sanchez as recent examples. These so-called journalists both made public comments about Jews that were definitely offensive: Thomas said Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go back home” to Europe – where they had nearly been exterminated during World War II by Hitler and his minions. Sanchez, who has been mocked frequently on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, complained that the Comedy Central star  (a Jew) is a bigot and that those who run CNN are “a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority? Yeah.”

Thomas, a White House press room regular since the Cretaceous period, resigned under the onslaught. Sanchez, a CNN anchor with pathetic ratings, was outright fired. That’s what you get for biting the proverbial hand.

Anti-Semitism is on the rise worldwide and Western media may be complicit in demonizing Israel. However, to come out and say such things outright is still considered taboo in the world of media. (Thank goodness for small favors.) Both Thomas and Sanchez rightly paid for their diarrhea of the mouth. “Journalists” claim to be unbiased (which is a load of baloney, IMHO). But as long as they’re making that bogus claim, they should at least attempt to live up to it.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Tea Party welcomes anyone who believes in smaller government and greater personal responsibility – no matter what color your skin may be.

But don’t tell Hollywood and the rest of the media. They’re still too busy promoting the myth of their own greatness and holier-than-thou stature to notice. Meanwhile, minorities in the entertainment world continue to bear the brunt of this self-serving lip service.

Who are the real bigots? You decide.

—– 

Tonight, a great lineup, for like the millionth day in a row!

Dana Vachon (crazy)

Paul Mecurio (funny)

Remi Spencer (gorgeous)

Lee Child (brilliant) 

—–

The Radio Equalizer:

[F]resh from declaring “communism” as the answer to dealing with corporate misconduct in America, O’Donnell actually appears to agree that Jews should depart Israel for Germany and Poland, especially since (GET THIS) THE OVENS ARE GONE!

Yup, the next Oprah:

Rosie O’Donnell has confirmed that she wants to return to daytime television with a new talk show in the fall of 2011. The timing is considered significant because that’s also the time The Oprah Winfrey Show is scheduled to end.

O’Donnell may have her sights on the Queen of Daytime TV’s throne, but she’ll have to compete with other major daytime hits like The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Dr. Phil and Judge Judy.

Tonight at 9:00 PM Pacific Time, Greg Gutfeld joins me on “The Stage Right Show” for a one-on-one interview.  Listen here at Big Hollywood as Gutfeld pontificates on Helen Thomas, Bill Maher, Ann Coulter, Fox News, Michael Moore and bondage paraphernalia.  All the while seamlessly plugging his hugely popular new book, The Bible of Unspeakable Truths.

That overnight sensation belting out the State of Union? None other than me, Barry Obama. Just a scrappy skinny kid from the mean streets of Honolulu with a silky baritone and a pocketful of dreams. Now I’ve got those high rollers eating straight from the ever-lovin’ palm of my hand. Little do they know I’ve got another dream — the craziest heist the D.C. strip has ever seen.

BARRY

Spend me to the moon, and let me play around with TARP,
Give the folks some stimulus so they can all buy cars.
In other words, cut the debt.
In other words, fiscal re-spons-i-bility.

Yeah!

Appropriate that cash, just like you’re Johnny Maynard Keynes,
We need jobs and health care and some light rail urban trains,
In other words, tighten belts.
In other words, ef-fic-i-ency.

Spend meeeeeee (hit it boys) to the moooo-oooo-oooooon!

Look-out-Old-Barry’s-back!

(Crowd cheers)

BARRY
Thanks everybody, you’ve been a wonderful Congress. Remember to tip your lobbyists!

(Amid a shower of roses and panties, Barry sprints to the wings where he is greeted by his managers Twinkletoes Emanuel and Spats Axelrod).

TWINKLETOES
You slayed ‘em, Barry! Just like the old days back on the DNC vaudeville circuit! Listen to dat house go wild. Now get out there and take your curtain call!

BARRY
No dice, Twinky. Rule #1 in fiscal showbiz: always leave ‘em wanting more.

SPATS
Don’t let that ovation go to your head, kid. Remember we’ve got a bigger act to rehearse for. Speaking of which, it’s time to get back to the oval hospitality suite.

EMCEE
Ladies and gentlemen, Barry has just left the theater.

(On the way to the hospitality suite, Twinky and Spats shove aside various autograph hounds and golddiggers)

SHOWGIRLS (Rachel Maddow, Katie Couric, Andrea Mitchell, Helen Thomas, Chris Matthews)
Call us, Barry!

CHARLES GIBSON
Kid, your act is sensational! Stupendous! I want to sign you for an exclusive 52-week network interview contract!

BRIAN WILLIAMS
Scram, Charlie, I was here first! Whatever he’s offering you, I’ll double it!

STEVE CROFT
I’ll triple it!

OPRAH WINFREY
Honey, I’ll give you a blank check… and all the brown sugar you can handle.

SPATS
One side, boys! Call the office on Monday. Barry has some personal business to attend to. 

(inside the hospitality suite)

TWINKLETOES
Phew! I thought we’d never get through those fucking retards.

BARRY
You said it. Say, how about those drinks, Pussycat?

PUSSYCAT PELOSI
Coming right up, Tiger.

TWINKLETOES
Okay wise guys, what’s the big secret? What’s this “new act” business?

BARRY AND SPATS
Heist.

TWINKLETOES
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Nyet. No way, Joe-Say. Do I have to remind you jokers what happened with that Annenberg Challenge caper? We barely got out of that jam unindicted!

BARRY
We got out didn’t we? Besides, that was small potatoes, Twink. What we’re talking about is the biggest heist yet.

SPATS
The biggest in history, baby.

TWINKLETOES
Which is… ?

PUSSYCAT 
The United States Treasury. Okay, that’s one Zima on the rocks for Twinky… one chardonnay spritzer for Spats… and for you, tall dark and handsome, one double Arugula Martini.

BARRY
Did you remember to make it dry?

PUSSYCAT 
Drier than my va-jay-jay, loverboy.

TWINKLETOES
Hey — what gives, youse bums? How come Granma Moses knows more about this caper than me? No offense, Pussycat, but I don’t trust dames. No matter how old they are.

BARRY
Relax, Twinky. Pussycat helped us plan the whole job. We didn’t tell you sooner because of that big filthy mouth of yours.

TWINKLETOES
Okay, okay, so I drop a few inconvenient f-bombs now and then. So sue me for Tourettes. But I’m tellin’ youse guys, you are nuts if you think we can pull a job on the Mint! We don’t have the manpower!

SPATS
You worry too much, Twink. As a matter of fact, We were just about to assemble the whole team right now.

TWINKLETOES
Team? What team?

BARRY
The old Chicago community organizing unit.

TWINKLETOES
The Fightin’ 101st Southside Grifters? Why didn’t you say so… deal me in, Daddy-o!

(montage of Obama’s Eleven getting summoned)

************

(pulpit of Southside church)

PREACHER WRIGHT
God bless America?? No, God DAMN America! The Chickens are coming HOME to… um, I am sorry, brothers and sisters, it’s my goddamn cell. Gotta take this. Whuuuh?! Huuuuhhh??? Praise Sweet goddamn Jesus, Barry, I’m on the next flight out of O’Hare. Bye. Now where was I? Can I get a goddamn A-Men!

************

(Inside the Illinois State Prison)

GUARD
Rezko! Blagojevich!

BLAGO
Whaddaya want, you filthy screw?

FAT TONY
Yeah, we weren’t doin’ nuttin’.

GUARD
Pack up your stuff, youse mugs, You just got pardons from Diamond Pat Quinn. Something about a community service parole with “Project 101,” whatever that is.

FAT TONY
Heh.

BLAGO
Heh heh heh.

FAT TONY AND BLAGO
Hah hahhah hahaha haha!!! Heee ho hahhahah!

GUARD
Shaddup!

************

(A lecture hall at the University of Illinois-Chicago)

“BILLY THE BRAIN” AYERS
… and now, to perform an interpretive dance commemorating Amerikkka’s racism against the indigenous peoples, my wife, Professor Boom Boom Dohrn. Pay close attention, for this material will be on the midterm and… what in the name of Charles Manson is the meaning of this rude interruption? Can’t you see we are learning here!

SECRETARY
I’m sorry Professor, but you just received this emergency telegram from Washington DC. It seemed like it could be important.

BOOM BOOM
It better be — or I’ll stab your eyes out you filthy white bourgeois secretary pig of empire!

BRAIN
Washington, you say? Let me see that… mmblmbm. hmbmlm? mlmbmbm! Alright, class dismissed. But I want those genocide essays on my desk by next Tuesday! Five pages, double-spaced!

************

(A back office the Illinois State Capitol in Springfield)

ALEXI “DAGREEK” GIANNOULIAS
Litsen, my friend, I’m nad ganna wase yer time wid a ladda small tak. I gadda ladda invintory I gadda move, en I’m ready ta wheel en deal. So lemme aks youse, whadda I gadda do to get yer iss into dis fine luxury Illinoise state candract today?

PAVEMENT CONTRACTOR
I don’t know, maybe I should talk it over with my slush fund manager before… is that some sort of dollar sign light in the sky? Outside you window?

DAGREEK  
Holy skata! Dass da signal fer the ol’ 101! Barry must be puttin’ da old gang bick tagedder. Litsen, pal, I gadda go. But call me next week about dat candract, I’ll trow in free unnercoating en a two-year briber’s pertection plan.

************

(inside a Southside confessional)

CONFESSOR
Fergive me fodder for I hiv sint.

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Bless you my son. Now what kind of sinnin’ have you been doin’ then?

CONFESSOR
Let’s see, I tore up Meigs Field wid some bulldozers, dere was that hiert truck ting, and a couple cost overruns at O’Hare. Oh yeah, I took da Lord’s name in vaint.

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Well now. If it isn’t little Richie Daley. Tsk tsk, Richie, what would your late sainted mother say about all of your mischief? Now for your penance I want you to say 10 Hail Marys, 2 Acts of Contrition, and give me 5% of the gross on those truck contracts unless you’ll be wantin’ to see me parishioners picketin’ outside City Hall.

(knock knock)

VOICE
Pssst…. heist meeting tonight at Barry Obama’s.

LITTLE RICHIE
Errr…. was dat message fer me or you?

PADDY O’PFLEGER
Why don’t you take it Richie. I’m picketing against the US military occupation of Haiti this weekend.

************

(Outside Keebler Headquarters, Elmhurst, IL)

JESSE “PUSH” JACKSON SR.
The voices of our community cry out. For too long. the Keebler Company has engaged. in the bigoted policies. of. Jim Crow. Elves of color continue. to be denied. cookie baking. opportunities. Ernie Keebler. must step down. as the tiny cookie cracker Bull Conner. of this. hollow tree. of shame. We call on the community. to boycott. Keebler. until they apologize. with $200,000. in small unmarked. bills.

(aide whispers into ear)

Or. best offer. I must. go now.

*************

(back inside the Oval Hospitality Suite, Obama’s Eleven is gathered around the boardroom table, drinking cocktails and getting neck massages from the Congressional Showgirl Caucus)

BABS BOXER
Refill on that Cosmopolitan, Fat Tony?

FAT TONY
Don’t mind if I do, doll. Make it a double. I gotta hand it to ya Barry, you’ve come a long way since Hyde Park.

DAGREEK
Yeah, dis Washington sure is da life! Maybe I’ll move here somedime.

BARRY
Sorry fellas, it’s time to get down to business. Okay dollies, time to go take a nap.

SHOWGIRLS
Aww!

BLANCHE LINCOLN
Must we, sugar? We were just getting all comfy and cozy-like with your big strong friends from Chicago.

DIXIE LANDRIEU
I do declare, these boys have political muscles on top of their political muscles.

BARRY
You heard me, ladies, scram. Here, take a billion and go buy yourselves some pretty little earmarks.

DIXIE
Oh Barry, aren’t you the sweetest thing! Come on girls, let’s get to K Street before it closes. I’m gonna buy my momma a Tiffany freeway bypass.

BARRY
Dames. Whattaya gonna do.

BLAGO
We appreciate da high roller treatment, Barry, but why don’t you tell us what youse guys got up yer sleeve.

BARRY
Gentlemen, I don’t have to tell you that inside this room sits the greatest assemblage of bag men, shakedown artist, fixers, and demolition experts that Cook County has ever produced. And deep underneath this humble Potomac Casino lies the ultimate whale: the United States Treasury. And, as the headliner in the main lounge, I have the combination. Together, gentlemen, we are going to liberate it.

PREACHER
Tell us something we don’t know, fool! You talkin’ crazy!

BARRY
Crazy like a fox, Preacher. In fact, this job will be like taking candy from a baby. An entire generation of babies.

LITTLE RICHIE
Dat’s what you said about the Olympics caper.

BLAGO
Yeah, dat place is crawlin’ wit dem Tea Party Pinkertons. They got security webcams everywhere!

SPATS
That’s why we’ve cooked up a little wing-a-ding-ding distraction.

LITTLE RICHIE
Distriction?

BARRY
It’s a new bossa nova number we call… shutting the lights off in Vegas.

OBAMA’S ELEVEN
Whuuuh—huhhhh!??

TWINKLETOES
Dat’s right boys. In fact, thanks to Ol’ Brown Eyes here, Glitter Gulch is already running on half power. After Andy Stern and the Nevada SEIU boys go on strike and Barry doobie-doobie-doos another anti-Vegas press conference ballad, then, pow! Lights out, baby.

SPATS
And for a little added insurance, Barry has some emergency stimulus funds for Brain and Boom Boom to do a little deconstruction on Hoover Dam.

BRAIN
Burn baby burn!

BOOM BOOM
Wild, man! I’m hip, I’m hip!

FAT TONY
Like I’m diggin’ your arpeggio, Daddy-O. Keep croonin’.

BARRY
In the confusion, that’s when the rest of you boys get to work. Little Richie is gonna crack the lock. Preacher and Push, you’re gonna back a couple of disguised ACORN buses to the loading dock. The rest of you mugs are gonna make like Teamsters with the forklifts.

DAGREEK
It’s so friggin’ crazy it just might wirk.

BARRY
Gentlemen, a toast to Lady Luck… and to the reuniting of the Rat Pack.

OBAMA’S ELEVEN
To da Rat Pack!

BARRY
Now… (slamming palm on the pool table) who’s with me?

(one by one, Obama’s Eleven stack their hands on top of Barry’s)

******************

(at the Press Conference lounge, where Barry is performing an early dinner show)

SPATS (backstage on lapel mic)
Come in Team O. This is leader base. Sychronize Rolexes at 1900 hours.

(montage of Obama’s Eleven at designated locations, wearing jumpsuits and cat burglar gear)

LITTLE RICHIE
Check.

PUSH AND PREACHER
Check.

BLAGO, FAT TONY, DAGREEK
Check.

BRAIN AND BOOM BOOM
Wild, man!

SPATS (to BARRY)
All systems are go. You’re on, kid.

TWINKLETOES
Ladies and Gentlemen, and media nutsack swingers of all ages, please put your hands together for America’s favorite entertainer, the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Barry Albert Obama!

(thunderous applause)

BARRY

How lucky can America be,
they elected little ol’ me,
Like the fella once said,
Ain’t That a Kick in the Fed?
Your future was completely black,
’til you hugged me and I hugged you back.
Like Soros said quote,
Don’t that make your interest rate float?
Your head keeps spinning;
You go to sleep and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
Your life’s gonna be beautiful.
I’ve stimulus enough to spread;
It’s like the fella said,
Tell me quick, Ain’t love like a kick in the Fed?

Ain’t thaaaat… a kick in the Fehhhhd!

Yeah!

Questions?

SCOOP TAPPER
Tell us Champ, what’s your latest take on the economic situation?

BARRY
Lemme tell you. The big problem is we got too many of these big shot corporations throwin’ around their money. They gotta stop wastin’ their cash at dese fancy schmancy conventions.

SCOOP
Conventions? Like where?

BARRY
I’m glad you asked that. I’m talking specifically about…

SPATS (backstage on lapel mic)
Go go go! We have lift off!

(jump scene inside Hoover Dam; Brain and Boom Boom are wiring a bomb)

BRAIN
Roger that Spats! Now, where’s that wire…

BOOM BOOM
Off the pigs! Hey, what’s this button for?

KABLOOOOOIEEEE

(jump scene back to press room; lights flicker)

TWINKLETOES
Holy crap! Those two beatnik morons blew up the wrong power supply! Barry’s TelePrompter just went out!

BARRY
…about… places like… uhm… it’s right on the tip of my… inside-mouth lick-thing…

SPATS (sweating profusely)
Come oooooonnnn… you can do it… think, Barry, think!

BARRY
… place like… um… is it Vas Legas?

SCOOP
You mean Las Vegas?

BARRY
Yeah, yeah! That’s it! Las Vegas, uhhhh, bad. Bye bye, I go now!

TWINKLETOES
Phew! Dat was too close for comfort.

SPATS
You said it! If my calculations are correct Vegas will be going dark in precisely 47 seconds. Come on Barry, let’s get you to the motorcade pronto.

BARRY
But Prompty!

SPATS
Exnay on the Teleprompter! No time! We gotta rendezvous with the boys at exactly 2130 hours.

******************

(inside the Treasury vault)

LITTLE RICHIE
Left 33… left 21… left 666. Bingo! Come on youse clowns, open dat door.

BLAGO
Holy mackerel, feast your peepers on that pile of cabbage!

DAGREEK
14 trillion… 14 trillion bucks… 14 trillion sweet simolian smackerinos of legal tenner! Come to papa!

FAT TONY
And how. Now dat kinda dough would buy a lotta rental slum property in Englewood!

LITTLE RICHIE
If you goons are finished playin’ pocket pool, get busy loadin’ that dough on da pallets.

HORN
Beeeeep

LITTLE RICHIE
Hurry it up youse mugs! Push and Preacher are here with the buses!

(Outside, at the loading docks)

PREACHER
Where are them goddamn crackers? I got a goddamn sermon to prepare for Sunday.

PUSH
I am. going to. put in for. overtime.

******************

(Barry, Spats, and Twinky are hurtling down the Pennsylvania Avenue Strip when a mysterious Prius races by and cuts them off. They are forced to stop. A strange figure exits the Prius, wildly waving hands)

SPATS
What the hell is going on? Is that some kinda cop?

TWINKLETOES
No.. it’s some fat ugly blonde broad in an evening gown… with a butcher knife!

BARRY
That ain’t no broad! That’s dat lunatic autograph stalker Freak Olberman!

FREAK
I knew it! Oooooh, I just knew it! I knew it was you, Barry. I can see you in there, even behind the delicious smoked glass. Mmmmm, llll-lll-lll. Do you know what this means, Barry? This can’t be chance, it’s destiny! No matter what Mother says, we were meant to be together. Forever. That’s why I will always defend you on my television show. That’s why I always carefully and lovingly save my stools to send to your enemies. Have you get my latest Countdown Special Comment stoolcam video? Mother promised she sent it to you by certified mail, but I don’t believe her. Just like Mother doesn’t believe in us. She says it’s silly for me to keep a wig and gown in my car in case I see you. But we proved her wrong. Didn’t we, Barry? SEE, MOMMY??? Ha hah hah heh. Heh! And now, for your birthday, I would like to writhe on your big black hood and perform a special comment in song. Happy birthday toooo yoouuuu, happy birrrr-iiirrrthdayyyy to you, happy birthday mister Baaaarrryyyy O-baaa-maaa, Happy birthdaaaaay to yooooou. Giggle.

SPATS

TWINKLETOES

BARRY
Fer God’s sake hit the gas!

Fluhmppf Fladummpppfff

******************

(at the loading dock)

LITTLE RICHIE
Come on you dopes, get da lead out! Dis ain’t no union shop! We got one minute to load that last trillion.

FAT TONY
Aaaiiieee! My back! I tink I broke it!

BLAGO
Congrats, Tony! Lemme get you in touch wit a personal injury lawyer friend of mine.

LITTLE RICHIE
Leave ‘em for the cops you moron! We gotta go – now. Get these buses rolling. And Tony — remember what we do ta snitches.

FAT TONY
*gulp*

PREACHER (struggling to start his bus)
This goddamn thing won’t start!

(the team gathers around to inspect the disabled bus)

PUSH (reading the bus registration plate)
“This vehicle is a product of General Motors. Detroit, Michigan and Washington DC.”

LITTLE RICHIE
Dammit Blago, what’d I tell you about buyin’ two bit government equipment for this heist?

BLAGO
It’s Dagreek’s fault, Richie! I swear! I wanted to buy some good buses but Dagreek said we could skim the rebates.

DAGREEK
Shaddup you lousy rat!

LITTLE RICHIE
Shaddup da two of yers! At least we got one bus dat wirks. Everybody get on dat one. And dis time, I’m drivin’.

******************

(at the deserted Washington Mall rendezvous point, Barry, Spats and Twinky are pacing around the limo)

SPATS (on the radio)
Where the hell are youse guys?

LITTLE RICHIE
Keep your shirts on, we had some trouble. Fat Tony went down and we’re short about 8 trillion. Aw crap, cheese it! Da cops!

BARRY (grabbing radio)
FBI?

LITTLE RICHIE
No, CBO.

BARRY
Dammit! The Manchurian bond syndicate must have tipped them off. Can you outrun them?

LITTLE RICHIE
Not under full load. This bus is a freakin’ hybrid!

BARRY
Then you’re gonna have to lose some weight. You know the drill, Richie.

LITTLE RICHIE
Radger dat.

(One by one, Blago, Dagreek, Preacher and Push are thrown under the bus as it speeds down the Strip)

LITTLE RICHIE
Heh heh hah! I lost ‘em! I lost da cops! I should be at da rendezvous point in 30 seconds!

BARRY
Richie. Listen to me carefully. Did you remember to unload all those firebombs that Brain was hauling on that bus?

LITTLE RICHIE
Firebombs?

BLAFLOOSHHHH

(The rear of the ACORN bus bursts into flames, engulfing the $6 trillion cargo. Little Richie white-knuckles it on to the Washington Mall. The flaming bus hits an inexplicable ramp at 85 mph, spirals three times, and t-bones into the Reflecting Pool where it makes one last incendiary explosion. Little Richie swims to safety.)

TWINKLETOES (pulling a scorched and dripping wet Richie from the pool)
You okay dere Richie?

LITTLE RICHIE
Eh, no big deal. I ride the CTA sometimes.

SPATS (looking morosely on the $6 trillion going up in smoke on the flaming bus carcass)
*Sigh*. So close.

BARRY
We’ll get ‘em next fiscal year, Spats. You gotta admit, though, it is kind of a pretty sight. Kinda peaceful even. Like some kinda abstract sculpture, with them flames reflectin’ in the water.

TWINKLETOES
Yeah. Maybe we could dedicate it as the Barry Obama Memorial.

(Twinky, Spats, Richie and Barry walk glumly down the sidewalks of Pennsylvania Avenue with their hands in their pockets, to a bluesy harmonica theme)

VOICE OVER (BARRY)
Just another day at the craps tables in this nutty kookoo casino we call Washington DC. Sometimes you’re rolling sevens, sometimes no matter what you do you come up snake eyes. But Mister, that just means it’s time to dust yourself off and tip the cigarette dolly. Because in this crazy City of Dreams a jackpot is always one pull away. And there’s always a sequel around the corner.

BARRY

Show me a man without a dream, and I’ll show you a man that’s dead.
Reeeaaal dead. Daddy-o.
Once I had me a dream, but that dream got kicked in the head.
By the Fed.
Some electors say, I’m puttin’ you away,
Three more years not seven.
In the meantime,
O-o-ba-ma’s Eleven.
Eleven.
E-le-ven.

THE END?

–

However, my dear wittle wabbits; please to knock me over with a feather (imitation of course, not from a eagle or a dolphin).  The savior of my week was none other than the far-left lady from the great state of Bush-Bashachussetts: Ms. Helen Thomas.

She (for the time being) has undone my jaded eye-rolling hopelessness–she has (for at least this article) turned me into a reporter of sorts. Brava lady. Brava. Okay, it took the longest running member of the White House Press Corps to get any of the mainstream media to actually pay attention and not sweep it away with their “Right Wing Conspirator-Fox News” broom – but hey, whatever dudes! This week the news was the news.

Chip Reid, was questioning Press Secretary Gibbs about stacking the deck and the lack of openness at the Annandale healthcare ‘town hall’ meeting, when Helen ran to his aid. Here’s the transcript:

Gibbs: (Talking to Chip Reid)  “… But, again, let’s–How about we do this?  I promise we will interrupt the AP’s tradition of asking the first question.  I will let you (Reid) ask me a question tomorrow as to whether you thought the questions at the town hall meeting that the President conducted in Annandale…“

Chip Reid: “I’m perfectly happy to…”

Helen Thomas: “That’s not his point.  The point is the control…

Reid: “Exactly.“

Thomas: “We have never had that in the White House.  And we have had some, but not… This White House.”

Gibbs: “Yes, I was going to say, I’ll let you amend her question.”

Thomas: “I’m amazed.  I’m amazed at you people who call for openness and transparency and…”

Gibbs: “Helen, you haven’t even heard the questions.”

Reid: “It doesn’t matter.  It’s the process.”

Thomas: “You have left open…”

Reid: “Even if there’s a tough question, it’s a question coming from somebody who was invited or was screened, or the question was screened.”

Thomas: “It’s shocking.  It’s really shocking.”

Gibbs: “Chip, let’s have this discussion at the conclusion of the town hall meeting.  How about that?”

Reid: “Okay.”     

Gibbs: “I think…“

Thomas: “No, no, no, we’re having it now…”

Gibbs: “Well, I’d be happy to have it now.”

Thomas: “It’s a pattern.”

Gibbs: “Which question did you object to at the town hall meeting, Helen?”

Thomas: “It’s a pattern.  It isn’t the question…”

Gibbs: “What’s a pattern?”

Thomas: “It’s a pattern of controlling the press.”

Gibbs: “How so?  Is there any evidence currently going on that I’m controlling the press…poorly, I might add.”

Thomas: “Your formal engagements are pre-packaged.”

Gibbs: “How so?”

Reid: “Well, and controlling the public…”

Thomas: “How so?  By calling reporters the night before to tell them they’re going to be called on.  That is shocking.”

Gibbs: “We had this discussion ad-nauseam and…”

Thomas: “Of course you would, because you don’t have any answers.”

Gibbs: “Well, because I didn’t know you were going to ask a question, Helen.
Go ahead.”

Thomas: “Well, you should have.”

Reporter: Thank you for your support.

Gibbs: “That’s good.  Have you e-mailed your question today?”

Thomas: “I don’t have to e-mail it.  I can tell you right now what I want to ask.”

Gibbs: “I don’t doubt that at all, Helen.  I don’t doubt that at all.”

Well there’s my report.

Again, thanks Helen. You did good. I actually got excited and smiled at some real news coming out of that appalling room this week. To my regular readers, please stay tuned. I just know Washington will have me rolling my eyes and shaking my head once again real soon, running off to find a brand new Whoopee Cushion.

Please keep reading all of you who hate sports in general or golf in particular because this isn’t about sports or golf. In order to make sure I got the entire finish of the Masters I recorded the next two hours of programming on CBS. When I got home and watched the golf I realized I had inadvertently recorded “Sixty Minutes.”

I was just about to hit the delete button since I gave up watching this leftist propaganda program after Dan Rather flaunted his fake Bush Air National Guard documents. Then I thought what the heck I haven’t seen a good biased program lately and my wife and son were away for the evening. I decided to play a game and count the liberal clichés in the program. 

I wasn’t disappointed. First up, a piece about a Pentagon program for advanced prosthetics with only one mention of the Pentagon and no mention of Obama military cuts that will endanger this program. Second “news” story, a liberal standard: EVIL GUNS! Leslie Stahl and CBS just can’t seem to figure out why anybody would want to protect themselves with a weapon. In their world, if you outlaw guns then criminals will be forced to rob the local convenience store with a rock or a knife. You see, you silly, silly Second Amendment nut jobs, if we just had stricter laws then criminals would obey them!  Then Leslie interviews some college guy who admitted on national TV that he committed a gun felony by conspiring to buy a handgun without proper identification. Of course, he was breaking the law to show how easy it was to break the law! I wonder if any law enforcement agency will track down this gun felon. Here is my question: was CBS news complicit in this man’s crime? Did they encourage him to go into the gun show and buy a gun illegally? Did they give him the money? “I am sure CBS would never do anything like that!” He said, as the sarcasm dripped into the paragraph below.

The show closed with some old guy who reminded me of Andy Rooney but I am pretty sure Andy Rooney died in 1984.  A study at the University of Montreal discovered that Andy wrote his last funny line in 1977. It was a joke about Billy Carter and it almost got him kicked out of the East Coast Liberal Elitist Journalist Society. Since that incident he has been afraid to make any jokes since they might offend someone somewhere. Has anybody in America, left or right, every laughed at Andy Rooney? How does this guy still have a job? What does he have on the execs at CBS that they are afraid to get him a room at the Retired Leftist Home right next to Helen Thomas?

Andy closed out the show with a little global warming piece that hit all of the right liberal clichés. The poles are melting and the world water levels are rising, man is evil and using up all of the natural resources of the planet! We are running out of oil! We are cutting down all the trees! Andy even said that a big iceberg from the South Pole might hit the United States. I would try to dispel all of the eco-leftist lies that were in his piece but I don’t have the time. Come to think of it, Andy probably doesn’t either.

I noticed Helen doze off a time or two during the Presidential presser. She seemed to have this attitude that this whole thing was interrupting her evening. I am willing to kick in a few extra bucks myself to find her a place in a managed care facility. Isn’t there some sort of liberal social safety net for their aging propagandists?

That Helen Thomas is still employed is amazing given the fact that she appears to have passed away several years ago. Employed and dead! This feat had previously only been accomplished by city employees in Chicago’s garbage removal department.

I am not exactly sure what rag employs Ms. Thomas. This is what really amazes me. Somewhere out there is an editor who one day said, “The world needs a ninety year olds’ view of the news. Why just hear about the last depression when we can have somebody who lived through it?” Perhaps this attitude explains the downward spiral of the dinosaur press.

Oh yeah, the President also said something about spending trillions to get the economy moving. I could have sworn I heard him say that his plan was to grow the economy by raising taxes on the rich and charities, and expanding government control of business and health care. I think I also heard him say by omission that if Congress didn’t give the middle class the tax break he promised it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. Do those girls have a puppy yet?

The first was while I was watching a guy I really like, Governor Mike Huckabee on Fox News. After watching Gov. Huckabee do a lot of guest spots on its other shows, Fox decided to give the Governor his own talk show. Being a great guest and an outstanding leader doesn’t mean you are automatically a great host. I watched the show the first time it was on and cringed but figured he was a good speaker and was used to talking to folks after being a pastor so he would grow into the role. After this weekend with the three Miss Americas and Rosie Perez someone should speak to the Governor. Does he know anyone who will tell him he makes a good talking head but if he ever wants to be taken seriously again for any major political office he should stop doing his talk show? Two of the Miss Americas singing “Leaving on a Jet Plane” was ironic in that that it is exactly what Fox should do with this show, send it somewhere on vacation. Does Fox not have a budget for writers? If the monologue jokes were any lamer they would have to come out in a wheelchair. Please, Governor Huckabee, for the sake of all conservatives everywhere stop being a third rate Jimmy Kimmel and start putting your organization together for 2012.

Then we had sweet lovable Helen Thomas making a fool of herself in front of yet another president. My Great Uncle is 93 and the state of Pennsylvania and his step daughter recently stepped in and took his drivers license after he sideswiped three cars on his way to church. Can’t someone who loves poor Helen do the same with her press pass? Isn’t there a nice group of Red Hat ladies she could go to Vegas with? You’d think the rest of the liberal “journalists” might have had a word with her a few months ago when she started spewing all her “what else should a journalist be except a liberal” stuff. But no, Helen Thomas is the AIG of White House reporters she is too big to fail!

Finally, where are the friends of Brett Favre? Why doesn’t his wife or his best hunting buddy take his Internet connection away from him at this time of year? This is the third straight year he has retired from football which I believe moves him ahead of George Blanda on the all-time list. Why didn’t he just let the Jets know he wasn’t coming back and head down to the bayou for some alone time?

I was just rereading this and thought it might be too snarky, I wish my buddy Bill was here to set me straight. Cue the James Taylor and fade to black.