The big stars and directors are the cool kids – the jocks – the preppies – James Spader in “Pretty in Pink.” They own the school, strut the halls and decide who’s in and who’s out based on one’s ability and willingness to conform into one of them.

The Motion Picture Academy is the Student Council packed with James Spaders who game the system in order to keep the pecking order ordered and to their liking.

Variety and the Hollywood Reporter are the school paper. Both are staffed with wannabes and once-weres who protect the myth and clothe the emperor living for those moments when James Spader gives them a taste of the inside where they can bask in his glow.

This leaves us with the cheerleaders, the Mean Girls, the most openly cruel of the bunch — a catty, nasty gaggle of bitches unafraid to say what the others think and determined to enforce what defines a James Spader. In Hollywood the cheerleaders are the gossip rags; newspaper columns, entertainment websites and most certainly E!

James Spader loathes Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and Heidi Montag, but mostly Miley because she represents the worst kind of threat to his kingdom: She’s already popular and a big, talented star, but she doesn’t want to be like him and therefore must be taught a lesson. And so his minions have been loosed.

Just last month, the head cheerleader, the L.A. Times, went after Miley over “the Jesus thing,” and soon after one of the cool-kid leaders himself, Jamie Foxx, blew his stack with outrage over her innocence. Tuesday it was E!:

Indeed. Gone are the days when we had a lone Kirk Cameron here, a random Mel Gibson there. Now it seems like the whole Disney talent stable is flashing a giant collective promise ring in our faces, bathing us in the virgin-white dazzle of all that metal.

Miley and the Jonas Brothers of course publicly love themselves some Jesus. Heidi Montag, too. Miley even twitters about it. A lot. (Jesus is Miley’s Neosporin? Really?) …

And that’s the new trend of “oversharing” among celebs…  At least they’re sparing us their bathroom habits-for now.

Those of you who buy into the idea that E! would like to be spared “oversharing among celebs” might want to change your middle name to “Duh.” If celebs didn’t overshare, E! wouldn’t exist. If there were laws about truth in advertising, E! would have to call themselves, “O! The Overshare Channel.”

E! also doesn’t have a problem with celebs who “love themselves some Jesus.” Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs is all about tweeting his love for Jesus – and from the looks of just the last few hours, does so a lot more than Miley. But E! is okay with that because Combs is one of them; a leftie fully engaged in the mission to spread Gomorrah throughout the land.

This isn’t about religion or celebrity oversharing, this is about the culture war – this is about a promise ring that “bath[es] us in the virgin-white dazzle of all that metal.” Because in celebrity-dom, that virgin-white dazzle is like throwing Holy Water on a Vampire.

Miley’s a target-rich environment for celebrity enforcers because she’s openly opposed to the spread of Gomorrah and therefore a threat who must be marginalized through ridicule at every opportunity. Now, Miley’s a big star and no cool kid or cheerleader can bring her down all on their own. But the plan’s bigger and more sophisticated than that.

One possible outcome is that someday, like all of us, Miley slips up in a way that allows the left to gang up and attempt to destroy her as a moral hypocrite. Call it the Miss California Playbook. But worse case, through their ridicule of Miley, the celebrity enforcers have sent an unmistakable warning to any up-and-comers who might have considered being true to who they really are and following in Miley’s moral footsteps.

The message is crystal clear: The path of least resistance to becoming one of the cool kids and spared public humiliation is to join the James Spader Collective.