There are certain things that make you a man.  It’s not a matter of mere plumbing or chromosomes.  A man is more than that.  A true man defeats his enemies.  A true man can make it happen with the ladies.  A true man can repeat, verbatim, all of the classic dialogue from Heat.

Heat (1995) is more than just a heist film – it’s an epic, a shambling three-hour monster of a movie that soars and frustrates, leaves your jaw hanging in awe and you scratching your head wondering what the hell is going on.  The star power it unleashes is literally unparalleled, the direction by Michal Mann is superb, the music is incredible (go buy the soundtrack now), and the cinematography creates a vision of Los Angeles that is more real than the reality.

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I will not insult your manhood by recapping the plot.  Actually, it’s so dense and convoluted it would take forever anyway.  Plus, there are the tangents that I still don’t fully get – what the hell is that whole Natalie Portman subplot doing in there anyway?  And some parts you just have to see for yourself – think Waingro’s plot line.  Bottom line: if you have never seen Heat, go buy it immediately.  Until you do, if you are biologically male, you are not entitled to stand while urinating.

For many of us, Heat has a personal connection that comes from both its time and place.  I saw Heat in Houston the day it came out (December 15, 1995), having been waiting for it for months thanks to the remarkable trailer.  I was there for a buddy’s wedding the next day; at that wedding, I would meet my hot wife for the first time.  About a month after, the giant law firm I was then slaving away for moved into the 444 South Flower building.  You probably know it best as the bank De Niro’s crew robs.  Before I quit (I had more business than many of the partners but they offered me the same crappy $500 bonus they gave to the guy caught sleeping under his desk, so I counter-offered that I’d keep everything), I must have walked past the spot where Val Kilmer first opens up with his CAR-15 a hundred times thinking, “Dude, I know where you’re coming from.” (more…)

There are movies that I have no business liking, which feature stories that I should not find compelling, given my, ahem, puerile tastes. Such is the case with Robert Redford’s “Quiz Show,” a movie I love despite the fact that it features no bloody deaths, explosions, or fart jokes (or any combination of the three). Paul Attansio earned his first Academy Award nomination for the screenplay, which dramatizes a potentially boring subject matter into a tightly paced story of class envy, corporate greed, and the intoxicating effects of fame and money.

For those who haven’t seen it, “Quiz Show” is about the, um, quiz show scandals that rocked TV in 1958. America tuned in by the millions to watch “Twenty One,” sponsored by Geritol, the “fast-acting tonic, high-potency tonic that makes you feel stronger…fast.” Turns out the show were completely rigged, and it all comes crashing down…because of a snub.

Ralph Fiennes, fresh off Schindler’s List, plays Charles Van Doren, the latest sensation sweeping the nation. The son of noted poet and author, Mark Van Doren (Paul Scofield), Charles teaches at Columbia University, and tries out for Tic-Tac-Dough on a whim. The producers, Dan Enright (David Paymer) and Albert Freeman (Hank Azaria), love him. He’s the answer to their prayers. See, the reigning champion is an odd character, equal parts dork and blowhard, a Queens’ native named Herbert Stempel (John Turturro). (more…)

If the first “Night at the Museum” was weighed down with a cookie-cutter plot involving the stale idea of a single dad desperate to redeem himself in his son’s eyes, “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian” has no weight whatsoever thanks to a flat story loaded with monstrous plot holes and a cast of dull, one-dimensional characters.

There’s also only one laugh — one — and all the special effects in the world simply can’t make up for a single chuckle over 105 very long minutes. The only good news is that Ben Stiller appeared to be even more bored than I was.

If you remember, Larry Daley (Stiller) was once a night guard at the Museum of Natural History in New York City where after the sun went down, thanks to ancient artifact, the exhibits all came to life. Mayhem ensued, adventure was had and lifelong friendships were formed.

A few years have passed (between films and for our characters) and today Larry has managed to tinker his way into fortune and some fame as a highly successful entrepreneur hawking inventions, like his glow-in-the-dark flashlight (so you can find it when the power goes out, duh), on infomercials.   (more…)