No, the great conflict I speak of is the schism between those of us who believe ‘The Walking Dead’ is great television and those of us who haven’t felt this level of disappointment in something they desperately wanted to support since John McCain got the nomination.

The premiere of the second season has scored boffo ratings, and Big Hollywood’s own Christian Toto has recently eloquently stated the pro-’Walking Dead’ case here. Many people love the show.  Can all these people be wrong?  Yes, and it gives me no pleasure to say so.

The fact is that ‘TWD’ is annoying, liberalish, and frustrating. It was last year as well, as I pointed out at length here at Big Hollywood (‘The Walking Dead: Populated With Racist Southerners, Dumb Characters‘). Testifying to the level of interest was the fact that it received over 400 comments, mostly questioning my taste, intellect and parental marital status.

People love zombie stories – I love zombie stories – and no one wants ‘TWD’ to fail. But the problem is that in the second season it seems to be going down the same dead end road as in the first season – except faster.

The problems with ‘TWD’ come in two flavors. The least annoying – yet still annoying – are the liberal Hollywood assumptions that permeate the stories. The second is the fact that the characters act like such utter idiots that it actually suspends the suspension of disbelief – for example, a “shocking” sequence at the end of the premiere (Caution: Light Spoilers Ahead!) actually caused me to burst into laughter.

One set of annoying liberal assumptions is about religion. Last season, we saw how the brutal wife-beater was – wait for it – one of those crazy born-again types. Naturally, his wife’s version of Christianity in the premiere is a twisted, weird form of it unfamiliar to anyone who actually knows and hangs out with born-again Christians. Her religion only manifests itself when the writers want to creep out the audience with gothic freakiness – and not the good kind. Note that though the story takes place in Georgia, this weirdo appears to be the only one with any kind of pre-existing interest in religion.

The hero, a sheriff’s deputy who, for reasons that remain unclear to me, still insists on wearing his full deputy uniform, complete with shiny badges on his chest and Smokey Bear hat (More about distracting tactical failures below), also prays at one key point. He admits he’s “not much of a believer,” then proceeds to deliver a monologue directed at a crucifix. It’s not an offensive scene, just a predictable and kind of dull one. And let’s just say his prayer is not answered.

Then there’s the stuff about guns. The dozen or so survivors in the little band seem to have plenty of guns.  It’s just that the hero and his cop buddy have decided no one else gets to have any. The rationale is that the others are “untrained.”  Let’s leave aside the fact that there aren’t a whole lot of Southern folks who don’t know how to shoot – though this band seems nearly entirely urban except for one redneck guy.

The liberal premise is that firearms are to be reserved to an elite is obnoxious – in fact, one key sub-plot in the premiere is that they took the gun belonging to one woman away, and refused to give it back to her even after she was nearly eaten because she was unarmed. I can’t abide a zombie flick that would earn the Brady Campaign’s seal of approval.

Maybe they could solve the training “problem” by actually training the civilians, but that never seemed to occur to the self-appointed leaders. In fact, the two cops don’t seem interested in preparing the civilians at all. Instead, they spend most of their time talking about their feelings. It’s agonizing.

Here is the thing about the hero that ‘TWD’ itself does not seem to realize. He’s completely inept, and over the course of the show, his failure to perform with even the most minimal level of tactical competence has directly led to scores of survivors ending up as zombie chow.

The ‘TWD‘ producers like to talk about how their show is about the people, not the zombies. Why that’s supposed to be a good thing is unclear.  Regardless, part of the payoff should be watching people we like and root for, not ones who are so lame that the entire series seems to consist of them doing stupid things in the first five minutes and then trying to unscrew them for the next hour.

The zombie apocalypse premise is interesting because it makes you think “What would I do?” ‘Dawn of the Dead’ was a great example. We watch as they go into the sporting goods store and gather ammo. We see the characters choose to hide out in a mall. We see them clear the zombies out and then fortify it. We see how they set up a secret hiding place, just in case. These are good ideas. That’s why ‘Dawn’ was a cool movie.

Here? Well, it’s a fiasco. I’m not asking for the tactical precision of a well-trained infantry platoon, but everything these characters do devolves into a complete cluster-flunk, and it’s distracting as hell.

In the season premiere, they think there might be a military redoubt and decide to drive 100 miles or so south from Atlanta to Ft. Benning. Now, after attending the Officer Candidate School, Airborne School and the Infantry Officer Advanced Course there, the notion of anyone choosing to go to Ft. Benning is pretty hard to fathom, but the way they choose to do it is simply ridiculous.

Do they take light, four-wheel drive vehicles of the type that are all over the place in Georgia? No – instead of taking vehicles with mobility and fuel economy, they take a Winnebago with a track record of breaking down. Why? Who knows. Probably because it helps the plot.

They have a guy with a motorcycle. Does he recon the route? Nope. By the time they notice a jumble of wreaked cars, they are in among them. Then they drive deeper into the pileup not knowing if there’s a way out. Oh, and they bring the Winnebago into the jam, and it soon breaks down.

So then they pile out of their vehicles and proceed to talk. And talk. They talk a lot in ‘TWD.’ Mostly about feelings.  Hell, the only good thing about a zombie apocalypse would be that it would wring out this society’s insipid embrace of constant discussions of people’s stupid feelings.

Do they post security in all directions?  Nah. They put a guy on the RV who manages not to see a herd of about 200 ghouls until they are 50 meters away. By that time, all the survivors are scattered around the wrecks, walking about without a care in the world. Nice organization, Deputy. You just want to reach into the big screen and slap him.

Later, a search party composed of most of the survivors goes out, noting that they are taking everyone so they “can cover more ground.” Then, they proceed to walk in single file down a path.

The distracting part of ‘TWD’ is not that the characters do dumb things. People do dumb things. But that’s all they do – dumb things. It’s tiresome. It feels like it’s like a whole TV series that consists of nothing but the kind of dumb where the slasher victim’s hot best friend gets out of the shower in a towel to investigate a strange noise. Except there’s no hot girl in a towel, only these dumb dummies.

And don’t get me started on how, for a show about zombies, there are barely any zombies.

It seems like even with a new showrunner following Frank Darabont’s departure, ‘TWD’ is going to continue stumbling down the same path. It’s a shame; the idea is cool and the series could be awesome. But the execution is lacking, and if it keeps up, one Sunday night soon, crashing early is going to seem like the more rewarding choice. Pity.

But let’s not allow this conflict to tear us apart. No, in the end, those conservatives who find ‘The Walking Dead’ lively, quality entertainment and those who feel like hucking their shoes at the screen must find common ground. And that common ground should be a commitment to terminate this zombie administration.

Well, let’s test that theory. I go and find a listing on one of my favorite job sites, Media Bistro. The NRA’s publication is seeking a writer/editor… How hard could that be? I like guns. I grew up with a father who is an avid gun collector. I’ve even spent my fair share of time in the Bisti Badlands shooting cans off of stumps and sandstone hills.

But while I sit in my fantasy of making my daddy proud by becoming a writer for one of his favorite publications, I realize my knowledge of firearms extends to knowing the difference between a rifle and a handgun– oh, and knowing the pain of a BB piercing my right shoulder (yeah, my brother shot me once while we were playing in the backyard… at least he gave me a running start).

Well, there is one area I can actually offer some expertise, and that’s the subject of firearms and music. Do you know how many great songs are out there mythologizing holster-happy cowboys, bottle-shooting rednecks and gun-loving everyday Americans? There are a few vigilante tales of murder and woe in there, too. Take a listen to these tunes, and if they don’t make you wanna head to your local Walmart to buy a gun rack, I don’t know what will …

Song: Janie’s Got A Gun
Artist: Aerosmith

Lesley Ann Warren never looked so sexy as she did in her Aerosmith video roles. Her brief appearance in this one gives a little throwback to her character’s wardrobe in “Beulah Land.” Here she plays Janie’s mother, who finds out the titular girl is being abused by her father. The tune details Janie’s angst telling people about her daddy issues and, finding that no one believes her, taking matters into her own hands. The song’s heavy topic is somewhat cheapened when viewers see Steven Tyler crawl around on a grate and flip his microphone scarves all over the place (I need some of those for my own mic stand), but the tune’s still a classic and a worthy entry on the list.

Song: Happiness Is A Warm Gun
Artist: The Beatles

John Lennon got the idea for this tune from a magazine cover he saw. Writing about this particular song, Lennon said he thought the headline of the article “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” was so fantastic he had to write about it. But one has to wonder if the “Imagine”-singing peacenik realized at the time that a warm gun usually means someone’s fired it.  Still, the concept was a hit in the making as Lennon took three songs he’d been working on previously and formed them into this now-classic Beatles tune (for the record, I do know it’s not about firearms and is a sexual metaphor).

Song: Gun
Artist: Uncle Tupelo

Using a gun as a metaphor for your heart is always a bad sign. Uncle Tupelo “sold his guitar to the girl next door” and wrote a song about his quick-fire, now-empty heart. This tune even gets those rifle-hating liberals using the “G” word while singing in the shower.

Song: You Give Love A Bad Name
Artist: Bon Jovi

It’s an anthem of a generation who embraced a New Jersey boy, his great hair and the tightest pants on the face of the earth. Jon Bon Jovi, thank you for those glorious pants. Whenever I hear “Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name,” I think about how many Bon Jovi posters used to grace the walls of my bedroom as a teenager. Sometimes I can still hear my parents yelling “Deanna Marie Murray, turn that music down now.”

Song: Beer for My Horses
Artist: Toby Keith

Willie Nelson and the patriotic Toby Keith team up for this fun-loving cowboy tune touting justice for all and putting evil dudes in the ground– well, that and delivering liquor to four-legged, saddled beasts of burden. Just a quick question, though– what kind of citation can the police issue a horse for trotting under the influence?

Song: The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
Artist: Gene Pitney

All hail the western. Who doesn’t enjoy classic tales celebrating good versus evil, the love of a hardy woman, and the king of cowboy cinema, John Wayne? I throw this nostalgic tune in especially for my Gramps who is a Wayne aficionado and actually owns a John Wayne collector’s rifle. Both a film and a song, this song tells the story of a cowboy who gave the ultimate justice to the baddest of dudes. You have to wonder if Liberty Valance turned evil because the school kids made fun of his name– just a wild guess.

Song: I’m Gonna Get Me A Gun
Artist: Cat Stevens

This is simply the hokiest song I have ever heard. Musically, it’s silly, strange, and carnival-like. Yet Stevens’ exuberant delivery is absurdly comical, so I had to include it. You can almost imagine Pee-Wee Herman singing this in Stevens’ denim work shirts instead of the doofy bow tie. I can literally envision a person skipping along the sidewalk to the local pawn shop, singing, “I’m gonna get me a gun (doo doo doo doo doo), I’m gonna get me a gun.”

Song: Cleaning This Gun
Artist: Rodney Atkins

I think every dad in the world talks about the fact he’s going to buy a shotgun before his daughter starts dating. “Cleaning This Gun” is an ode to the fear of God every father wants to put into the teenage boys taking his little princess of the house. The song’s lyrics revel in the image of Daddy sitting on the porch, rifle in lap, laying down the law and making sure to reiterate he’ll be up when the boy returns with his daughter only to find the old man “still cleaning his gun.”

Song: Give Me Back My Bullets
Artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

The title track to Skynyrd’s fourth studio album, “Give Me Back My Bullets” was the band’s best charting record, reaching #20 on the U.S. charts. This tune is a prime example of a song proudly proclaiming a person’s right to own guns. Lynyrd Skynyrd contrasts the stigma of being a gun lover with the pride of ownership. It’s a serious responsibility, as he lets us know he “ain’t foolin’ around.”

Song: Gunpowder And Lead
Artist: Miranda Lambert

This sweet girl has a kickin’ edge. One of Miranda Lambert’s first songs to hit the charts is a gritty tune of a girl taking control of her own destiny after being abused by a boyfriend. Obviously, we don’t condone this type of violence, but we’re all in favor of a great country tune performed by a beautiful woman, right? I can’t think of a more feminist, pro-girl-power line than “his fist is big, but my gun is bigger.”

So, there it is. You might not think these tunes deliver the same kick as a Desert Eagle .44 or a 300 Weatherby Magnum (for those big game hunters out there),  but they’re as exhaustive a list as I could come up with. No worries, I won’t recoil (another gun term, points for me?) from your own suggestions. Fire away…

But before I sign off, any sure shots out there willing to teach a girl to point and shoot?

—–

Now, understand that it gives me no pleasure to report that Terra Nova is off to a crappy start.  None.  Anyone living in California knows lots of people who work in the Industry, from crew to talent, who rely on production to feed their families.  We want shows to be great, to be hits, to run for years.  And none of them got up and said “I want to take an interesting idea and turn it into a hackneyed, tedious death march.” Well, maybe the writers and producers did – the vicissitudes of chance do not account for how they managed to hit every tiresome cliché and make every bad choice available every time.

The conceit of Terra Nova is that a bunch of people from 2189 are sent back in time from a polluted, fascist Earth 85 million years to restart human civilization.  They face all sorts of ferocious dinosaurs, which is cool, and that have all sorts of bitchin’ guns, which is also cool.  Steven Spielberg is involved with it, and once upon a time he made movies I actually liked.  Fox is spending a fortune on it.  It should be kinda interesting and kinda fun.

But no.

No, the premiere was a ponderous nightmare composed of the same cookie-cutter, lazy choices that have been wrecking such shows and movies for years.  Like the mega-disappointing Walking Dead, which somehow made a zombie apocalypse boring, Terra Nova has somehow done the same for another cool idea – this one being carnivorous dinosaurs. 

Terra Nova has done a lot of things wrong, though it did do a few things right.  But the premiere’s meh ratings, despite months of hype, showed that the creators better get a grip before the show joins its main attractions in extinction.  Here are some key takeaways from the endless two-hour premiere:

1. Enough of the Manufactured Family Drama:   Surprise – our hero has a family, and they spend all of their time talking about their feelings toward one another.  The father, played by Jason Mara, was in prison because the family had an extra kid and he only rejoins the family (after the world’s simplest maximum security prison breakout) as they step back in time.  So he has issues.  With his wife.  And his teen son.  And his teen daughter.  And his other daughter.  And they talk about them.  All the time.  Then they hug.  It all makes me want to projectile vomit.

Now, screenwriters, I know they teach you at screenwriting seminars that you have to create a rooting interest for the audience.  Okay, here, rooting for them to win the gunfights with the rampaging velociraptors is plenty interesting.  Interminable discussions of emotions followed by cuddling, not so much.

Why …. why …  does every show seem to have to focus on bizarre daddy issues?  I want an exciting, interesting entertainment experience, not to sit there watching you work out your personal psychodrama.  Just show me a tyrannosaurus biting a tank.

Remember 2005’s War of the Worlds?  It sounded great on paper.  You got aliens and Spielberg and special effects…it should have been awesome.  And what did we get?  We get this idiotic domestic drama with Tom Cruise arguing with a couple of urchins as they drive around the Eastern Seaboard.  Sure, he beat on Tim Robbins, which was cool, but otherwise it was like Are We There Yet? with an older, duller Maverick taking the Ice Cube role. 

—–

And I bet Cube would have spent less time bickering with the shorties and more time going upside some alien head.  Yeah, now that would have been the mierda.

Look.  There’s this stupid notion floating around out there in Tinseltown, promulgated by self-appointed script gurus and enforced by Hollywood suits whose only flair for creativity is within the realm of their personal debaucheries, that the focus of every story needs to be a loving family that fights then hugs.  Give me a freaking break.  That’s the same thinking that turned Super 8 into Super Suck.

Someone needs to dare to speak truth to hackery and say, “How about the story focus on something cool, like running from dinosaurs, without taking momentum-halting stops to work through abandonment issues every time something interesting is about to go down?”  Which leads us to the next point:

2. Can the Characters Not Be Idiots?  Characters doing dumb things, like going for a naked swim while Hatchet Boy is running around the abandoned summer camp, has been a cliché for decades.  In Terra Nova, it’s even more frustrating because it usually revolves around the same insane need to stop the story  every two minutes in order for a couple characters to hash out their stupid feelings. 

Someone is missing and needs to be found before darkness falls and the dinos come out to dine…what do you do?  Do you grab your rifle and join other trained warriors, moving quickly to locate and rescue the lost people, or do you get into a lengthy argument with your wife who isn’t a trained warrior but wants to come along anyway because…well, I don’t know…because fighting off carnivorous reptiles isn’t hard enough without bringing along some unarmed civilian to slow you down. 

Oh, and when you do find an injured person in the middle of nowhere, do you: A) Secure the wounded person, load her in a vehicle, and move out before the monsters come back or B) spend some time out in the open in the dark, lizard-filled forest discussing your feelings.  Well, if the answer was “A”, it would be Terra Awesome.

3. The Concept Is More Interesting Than Any Character:  Sorry folks, but I know that your gurus tell you character is everything, but this isn’t freaking Ingmar Bergman.  I’m not tuning in to delve deep into the psyche of… geez, I watched two hours of that show and already forgot the main character’s name.  Whatev.  I don’t care about the characters.  The concept is cool; if I want a character study, I’ll seek out a story that doesn’t involve time travel to the Jurassic Age.  You feel me?

Now, the concept is not just dinosaurs.  The idea of starting a civilization over could be really interesting if they started exploring issues like how society was organized, whether they would try communal living or a market, dictatorship versus democracy.  The focus on feelings overwhelmed most of it, but there were interesting hints at how this new society was forming.  Contributions seem to be made according from the ability of the colonist, while resources appear to be distributed according to his needs.  We call that communism; Hollywood people called that “Awesome…for you peasants.”

I wonder if the producers will have the guts to confront the failure of non-market economics in a way that the super-lame – and overtly fascist/socialist Star Trek: The Next Generation (Yeah, I went there Trekboys) – never did.  Probably not – Terra Nova’s executive producer Brannon Braga is a Star Trek alum.  So we’ll probably hear lots about a wonderful new world without greed or capitalism or stuff.   It’ll be a paradise, just like the pilgrims (whose name the series appropriates for the colonists) experienced in New England prior to introducing free enterprise.  Communism worked really well there, just like it has everywhere it’s been attempted.  At least, that’s what Chet the Unicorn told me.

4. There Are Hints of a Mythology Which Must Be Ruthlessly Suppressed:  Ever since Chris Carter’s The X-Files started the trend by weaving its detailed, incoherent, stupid back story into its episodes, every sci-fi/fantasy show on TV now has to have some elaborate and pointless mythology.  Mythology episodes are always death – you can tell a terrible X-File episode because it starts off with some portentous Scully monologue and inevitably ends up raising more questions and bile than it answers. 

Please don’t think we need that here.  You have man-eating dinos.  You don’t need an all-encompassing conspiracy by powerful forces that come together in a terrifying effort to occupy the imaginations of lonely 35-year old virgins with nothing better to do than think about TV shows.

5. There Are Some Good Things:  There are some things that deserve praise.  First, Stephen Lang as the dictator of the place is pretty awesome.  And his character is not what you expect – though he is on the cusp not only of a mythology plot line but one that involves his lost son.  Don’t.  Go.  There.

The dinosaurs are pretty cool, as are the rest of the special effects.  They’re not perfect, but who cares?  The set design and props are really good.  It would be nice, though, if those neat-o guns seemed to have any effect on the dinosaurs.  The characters get all Scarface on the  lizards, firing off long bursts of rounds that have about as much effect as a multi-billion Obama stimulus package.

And the politics do not (yet) make me sick.  I was busy complaining to my Hot Wife, so I missed what somebody told me was the shot showing that 2189 money had Obama’s face on the bills – that’s amusing.  I just wonder who gets his mug on the higher denomination, him or Jimmy Carter?

It’s so far not as eco-stupid as I expected.  The producers mention that “we” somehow ruined the planet, but they don’t mention or attribute it to the global warming scam, which was nice since I grilled some really tasty cheeseburgers right before and it would have been a shame to puke them up. 

Also, the fascist government that arrests people who have too many kids cannot be considered right wing – in fact, famed Chinese family planning fan and liberal fave Thomas Friedman would have approved.  So, at least for now, there was no liberal sucker punch. 

Perhaps Terra Nova will improve.  I hope so.  No one wants to see a show fail.  It certainly could be interesting.  For the viewers, it’s a cool concept and might be a fun diversion.  For the many folks on and off camera, it’s their livelihood.  This is not just a beat down for the sake of beating down an easy target.  This is a plea… to give us a fresh, exciting program that doesn’t spout the same hopeless clichés that have wrecked so many other movies and shows.  So, guys, get it together and cut the mierda.

Those were the simple words of Iowa Congressman Leonard Boswell, after fending off an armed intruder in his house.

His wife, daughter and grandson were about to hit the sack late Saturday, when the thug broke in, attacking his daughter.

The wily 77 year old tried to stop him, but it was Boswell’s grandson’s loaded shotgun that caused the punk to flee in the opposite direction.

Yep, if there’s one thing you can learn from a shotgun: you never run at one.

Now, publicizing tales like these do nothing but good, for they remind the common thug of a key life or death question: what house would you rob, if you could?

One in which the owner is armed, or not?

And it poses a question to everyone else: if you’re the victim, would you rather be armed – or not?

Me – I don’t want to depend on the kindness of strangers, I prefer to depend on the accuracy of my shot.

Of course, the biggest gun control advocates will disagree, but they all work in well-protected media networks, surrounded by well-trained, well-armed security.

You don’t.

Guns are a conservative, libertarian way of privatizing safety.

It’s also the best way to keep good people free.

And bad people scared.

TONIGHT:

and…KT McFarland!

While I don’t know whether the show raised Morgan’s ratings or not, I do know one thing: Nugent put on a clinic for anyone wondering how best to take down a weak-minded, egalitarian European who doesn’t know Natural Law from Natural Light.

In all honesty folks, as I watched the interview I almost felt sorry for Morgan a couple times: Nugent was at his best and Morgan was at his usual.

Nugent had Morgan so worked up that at one time during the interview, Morgan actually said, “I’d love to suck on your machine gun.” I had to read the transcript afterwards to get things in context and see that Morgan was being sarcastic, trying to shame Nugent because the Motor City Madman had said pointedly of gun-grabbing politicians: “Anybody that wants to make me unarmed and helpless, people that want to literally create the proven places where more innocents are killed called ‘gun-free zones,’ we’re going to beat you. We’re going to vote you out of office or suck on my machine gun.”

Like a typical liberal, Morgan spent a lot of time trying to drag Nugent away from fact-based arguments to emotional ones. But Nugent would have none of it.

For instance, when Morgan whimpered about how “80 people a day die from gunshots in America,” Nugent snapped back: “And 75 of them to 78 of them — statistics by the Uniform Crime Report by the FBI and the U.N. study on violent crime — [75 to] 78 of those 80 are let out of their cages by corrupt judges and prosecutors who know the recidivism is out of control…[yet] they let them walk through plea bargaining, early release, and [other] programs.”

As the interview continued, I kept looking for the referee to step in, wrap his arms around Morgan, and signal a standing knock out. Why? Because Nugent was beating him at every turn and every question of every argument.

The only way the verbal beat-down could have been better is if Nugent’s lyrics had been blaring in the background: “Got you in a stranglehold baby, I’m gonna crush your face.” (Would have gone great with “suck on my machine gun.”)

Now this is not a new idea, but it’s still a great one -if not for a state, perhaps for a game show. Pit two groups of people, with opposing views, against each other, and see who wins.

Arizona is perfect, in that it contains the most liberal and conservative folks in the Union. You can spot the libs by the turquoise, and the righties by their guns.

In Arizona, even their guns have guns.

And those guns? They carry tiny knives! (made of guns)

And these groups hate each other. The left calls the right bigots, and the right sees the left as patchouli-drenched socialists, which of course, they are.

I kid: patchouli is so over.

But a contest between ideologies seems ripe.

True, it’s been done (see communism vs. capitalism, East vs West Germany, Rocky vs. Drago, and – of course – Quisp vs. Quake). but why not try it here – without government intrusion?

This way, we can see whose ideas work, while keeping folks who hate those ideas, from benefiting from them.

Because that’s what keeps bad ideas alive. See Michael Moore – a pacifist who condemns the killing of bin Laden – while still benefiting from the killing of bin Laden.

Likewise, in Baja, people won’t benefit from the low taxes found in the rest of Arizona; and conversely, citizens of Arizona won’t benefit from the great hummus found in Baja’s street fairs.

And if Baja’s streets are cleaner from higher taxes, cool. The rest of Arizona will have more cash for beer.

At the end of year five, the citizens can assess the progress, and decide where they want to live.

Either way, it will still be hot.

But it’s a dry heat.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Tonight:

Lauren Sivan

Pat Caddell

Dee Dee Benkie!

And now, to my second favorite topic: guns.

(My first favorite topic? knee socks.)

Now, if you need proof that having a gun in your household is a smart move (it’s like owning a tiny, potty-trained dog that shoots bullets) then ponder the F out of this fun story.

Last night, In Portland, Oregon, a man named Timothy James Chapek called 911. The reason: He was terrified, and in distress. He thought he was going to die, and rightly so. After all, he had an unkempt beard.

But more important, Chapak had broken into a house, and was there, in the bathroom taking a shower – when the homeowner returned. The homeowner asked Chapek what he was doing, and Chapek responded by locking himself in the john, and calling 911.

The reason? He told the 911 operator: he thought the owner, a woman, had a gun. Yep, he sought the help of law enforcement because he feared an armed lady who he just tried to rob.

The homeowner also called the cops, but the real story is the change in behavior, whenever a gun enters the picture. If someone thinks – and fears – that you have a gun, he becomes wonderfully compliant.

Which means, when a gun arrives, the lifespan of a crime diminishes, too. Here, the homeowner didn’t have to brandish a pistol. The thought of one, was enough.

Anyway, the perp ended up in jail – and I don’t think the homeowner really had a gun to begin with.

What mattered: the intruder thought otherwise.

And if you disagree with me, it’s over between us.

Tonight:

Nick DiPaolo!

Jill Dobson!

Mick Foley!

—–

Dear Michael Moore, just a friendly heads up that the same Martin Luther King you’re quoting to make your nonsensical anti-gun argument, is the same Martin Luther King who — wait for it, wait for it — owned guns!

UCLA Law Professor Adam Winkler, via Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit:

King applied for a concealed carry permit in Alabama. The local police had discretion to determine who was a suitable person to carry firearms. King, a clergyman whose life was threatened daily, surely met the requirements of the law, but he was rejected nevertheless. At the time, the police used any wiggle room in the law to discriminate against African Americans.

Glenn Reynolds closes with this: Give the authorities discretion, and it will be abused.

Remember everyone, there are only certain parts of the Bill of Rights the Left is in favor of. They can shove Freedom of Speech all the way over to allowing the New York Times to print national security leaks while we’re at war and find the right to abortion in a non-existent right to privacy, but this whole Right to Bear Arms thing remains fuzzy and therefore negotiable.

Jim Treacher destroys the rest of Moore’s argument here.

Brokaw explained this upsurge as a bunch of scared lemmings stockpiling their guns in “underground bunkers” in case new laws arrive to ban them.

He elaborated somewhat…

“In Arizona they have a wide open system. I would be nervous about going into a bar or restaurant in Arizona on a Saturday night where people can carry concealed without permits.”

You would be nervous?

That’s the point, Tom.

You should be nervous. And by “you,” I really mean, generally, any jerk who comes in to start trouble at the bar. That’s the beauty of guns, or the threat of guns – it’s a natural motivator to lighten up, back off, and mind your own beeswax.

And let’s not forget, people bought those guns, to protect themselves. As John Lott Jr., points out, a major factor in determining how many people are harmed by a lunatic killer is the time frame between the start of the attack and when another gun arrives. The quicker it gets there, the faster the crime spree ends.

To me, this debate over gun ownership seems like class warfare. People like Brokaw just don’t know anybody who owns guns. Except of course, the security around him when he visits NBC. He’s safe and sound, spouting his opinions – not like everyone else at campuses and supermarkets.

So, from his perch, he stereotypes gun owners as gun nuts, hunkering in bunkers. It would be the same, if I said all newscasters were egocentric, aloof elitists who can’t pronounce the letter L.

No offense, Tom.

And if you disagree with me you’re a racist homophobe.

Tonight

S.E Cupp

Joe De Rosa

National Review’s Kevin Williamson

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Maher complains about right-wing rhetoric and then says:

No, because that’s the rhetoric they love. The Right-wing loves… the go-to rhetoric for them is ‘Wouldn’t it be fun to kill the people we disagree with?’

Then some in the audience start to argue with him, an audience that surely isn’t 100% Republican. No one comes to his defense.

Leno, hilariously, just sits there like he’s watching a crazy uncle poop his pants at Thanksgiving dinner and Maher’s closing rally about the Democrats reclaiming patriotism is wet with flop sweat. But at least he admits the Democrats come up short in the department of patriotism.  

More painful awkwardness below the fold.

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