The question of decency runs through my head every time I see or hear a celebrity or a politician these days.  For instance, I keep asking myself if I am more disgusted by what Roman Polanski did some 30-odd years ago or what his legion of defenders are presently saying in his defense.  Just because he directed a couple of good movies and a lot of lousy ones, we have most of Hollywood signing petitions on his behalf.  Whoopi Goldberg, who was apparently paying close attention when Bill Clinton was parsing the word “is,” has gone so far as insisting that what Polanski did to the 13-year-old girl wasn’t really rape.  The problem with calling these Hollywood freaks on the carpet is that the more repulsed that normal human beings are with them, the more convinced they are that they’re as sophisticated, not to mention morally superior, as their press releases claim they are. 

Some time ago, I suggested that when John Huston’s degenerate character, Noah Cross, dragged his young granddaughter off into the night at the end of “Chinatown,”  Roman Polanski was the only person in the world who actually believed he had directed a movie with a happy ending.  Now, thanks to the 150 show-biz celebrities who have signed a petition demanding that the child-rapist go free, I see how terribly naïve I was. 

Or consider Jimmy Carter, who has spent the past three decades cozying up to the likes of Yasser Arafat and working overtime to prove that people who call him America’s biggest anti-Semite aren’t just whistling “Dixie.”           

But, not content with merely condemning Israel’s Jews, he branched out a while ago and condemned Southern Baptists for oppressing their womenfolk, going so far as to turn his back on the church he has belonged to for his entire life.  No word yet whether Mr. Peanut plans to join up with the Sunnis or the Shi’a. 

Then we have an ex-vice president, Al Gore, who has spent the past several years getting rich in a way that would have had Charles Ponzi gnashing his teeth in envy.  First, Gore announced that the earth was heating up and that people in Kansas would soon be up to their knees in the Pacific Ocean.  Then, when Mother Nature pulled a fast one and cooled things down slightly, as is her wont, Gore didn’t miss a beat.  Instead, he said we were undergoing climate change.  People didn’t know what that meant, but Gore, in those ominous tones he has mastered, said it was every bit as bad as global warming and, so, the money just kept rolling in. 

Well, far be it from me to miss out on a good thing.  So it was that I, too, began paying close attention to the weather.  After all, it was obviously a growth industry.  What I found to my horror was that things were far scarier than Mr. Gore, at his spookiest, had suggested.  For instance, even here in Los Angeles, where we generally take weather for granted, I noticed that between January and July, the median temperature rose from 63 to 93, an average increase of five degrees a month.  The increase was so gradual that, like the frog in the pot of boiling water, I’m not sure I would have even noticed if I hadn’t been paying such close attention.  Now, it’s not my wish to panic anyone, but if the trend continues at that rate, by the end of 2010, the average temperature will be close to…180 degrees! 

In order to do further study, I’m hoping to obtain a federal grant so that I can get a really good thermometer and several notebooks and pencils.  I believe I can handle the entire job for about $10 million. 

While we’re on the subject of numbers, and while I’m waiting for my $10 million piece of the stimulus package, I recently checked out the ages at which our 43 presidents were first elected.  (Note:  Even though Barack Obama is the 44th president, he’s only the 43rd individual to hold the office.  The problem is that one man, Grover Cleveland, a born troublemaker, was both the 22nd and the 24th president, having been elected in 1884 and then again in 1892.) 

In any case, as I was saying, I discovered that 26 of our presidents were elected in their 50s, while nine of them were first elected in their 60s.  Some of those 35 men were fine, and included the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe and Lincoln; while others, such as Wilson, Harding, Hoover, FDR, LBJ, Nixon and Carter, left a good deal to be desired. 

What I found most telling was that the half dozen men who were initially elected in their 40s (Pierce, Cleveland, Teddy Roosevelt, JFK, Clinton and Obama) don’t make a very impressive case for youth.  On the other hand, the only one who was elected in his 70s was Ronald Reagan.  Now I’m not saying I’m another Reagan, but I will be in my 70s by the time 2012 rolls around and, assuming I’ve completed my weather study by then and have somehow avoided being burned to a crisp, I would consider it an honor and a privilege to run against that young whippersnapper, Barack Obama. 

In addition to my age, two other things I’d have going for me are, one, I didn’t attend an Ivy League school and, perhaps best of all, I’ve never been a lawyer. 

Finally, I fully expect that any day now Robert Gibbs will announce that Rio de Janeiro has been named Chicago’s sister city and, so, thanks to the efforts of Barack, and the sacrifices of Michelle and Oprah, Chicago will, in a sense, be co-hosting the 2016 Olympics. 

And in other totally unrelated news, Gibbs will inform the media that President Obama has declared war on Denmark.

Luckily our Great Leader and the people in Washington who look out for us poor, ill-educated masses have set “Cap and Trade” into motion.  The heathens and “anti-intellectuals” will cynically point out that “Cap and Trade” is a massive tax, a way to further grow government, a way to control behavior and a way to benefit Democratic supporters and lobbyists.  But those of us who righteously follow “smart power” know better.

Saving the planet.

Cap and Trade isn’t enough.  I’ve taken a few minutes to scour the halls of knowledge (i.e. the Internet; Wikipedia and the Huffington Post to be specific) to relay a couple more things that you can do to stop the biggest threat to our planet right now!

1) Drink more carbonated beverages.   That’s right, enjoy that delicious Coke, Diet Coke or A&W Root Beer.  See, the bubbles in soda products are made from…you guessed it, deadly CO2.  When you drink it, your body absorbs the CO2, emitting far less CO2 than the contents of the original soda. Your body is like a little CO2 destroying factory.  So, drink up.  But please note, I didn’t say drink more Pepsi products.  That’s because I own stock in Coke and not Pepsi.   I don’t think Pepsi puts as much CO2 into their drinks as Coke. Yeah, that’s it.  Pepsi has 5/10th less carbon byproducts per linear ounce than Coke, so drink Coke.

2) Stop Vegetarians. People breathe Oxygen and emit CO2.  Plants breathe CO2 and emit Oxygen.  Animals also emit CO2 and breathe Oxygen.  When we eat animals, we offset our CO2 output.  When I enjoy a mouth watering filet mignon, I’m taking another pesky CO2 emitting cow off the streets.  Vegetarians screw this up.  They don’t eat animals which means more animals emitting CO2, then they have the gall to eat only plants, which take the CO2 out of the atmosphere.  Plus, humans are omnivores and being a vegetarian is just weird.  I mean, every vegetarian and vegan I know is always sick.  Has anyone done an analysis on this to see the overall burden on our health care system caused by sickly vegetarians?  Or maybe they’re always sick because the only vegetarians I know are hypochondriac actresses and models who do a lot of blow.

3) Let species go extinct. This place is crowded.  I already pointed out how animals emit CO2.  In fact, the average polar bear emits about 365 k/g per year of CO2.  Polar bears can live up to 30 years, and right now there are about 25,000 polar bears on the planet.  That means polar bears emit 250 million k/g of CO2!!!  The U.N. says that with current global warming trends we could lose 2/3 of the polar bear population by 2050.  I say that’s not soon enough!  These bears are causing hurricanes, melting the polar ice caps, and threatening to put Florida under six feet of water by the end of the next decade.  They must be stopped.  Killing every polar bear would be the equivalent of taking 80,000 cars off the road.

Die! Die! Die!

4) Ladies should wear more revealing clothes.  A 2007 study, which I can’t seem to find the link to, indicated that there was a direct correlation between the production of women’s clothing and dangerous CO2 emissions.  The report recommended that women wear clothing that requires less fabric per square inch.  Based on fashion trends, younger women tend to purchase more dangerous clothing and therefore should reduce their overall fsi (fabric per square inch) consumption.  If younger women simply wore shorter skirts, shirts without bras, and tighter pants and shorts they could effectively reduce dangerous CO2 emissions roughly as much as removing 80,000 cars from the road (or the equivalent of euthanizing 25,000 Polar Bears).

5) Go to work after a few cocktails. A 2008 study, again I have to dig up that link, suggested that grain distilleries perform a valuable service by converting CO2 into less dangerous “minoxocarbons” (which are roughly the equivalent of 1/7th of a k/g per overall gram of CO2) when making alcohol.  Increasing alcohol consumption would dramatically reduce dangerous CO2.  But drinking after work and on the weekends isn’t enough.  If everyone started drinking early in the day, say having one or two mimosas or bloody marys, we would all be too hammered to drive to work.  We would be forced to take public transportation.  Once at work, we would be far less productive, choosing to talk to each other loudly, play drinking games, watch TV, dance or nap instead of our dangerous work activities that produce high levels of CO2.  A 2008 U.N. study indicated that if the average U.S. office simply required all of their workers to show up drunk, they would reduce the carbon footprint of that office by 90%, or the equivalent of removing 8,000 cars from the road or executing 2,500 polar bears.  As a side note, may I recommend Seagrams alcohol products.  They produce almost twice as much “minoxocarbons” as their competitors and I own stock in the company.

Does my math seem funny or incoherent?  Do my solutions seem ridiculous?  Do you detect a bit of a self serving agenda?  Good for you.  Now, examine what the politicians in Washington, the U.N. and all the “Green” groups out there are doing.  Come back and let me know if you can see a difference between me and them.  I sure can’t.

And hey, if all things are equal, wouldn’t you rather live in my world?  Unlike the real world where Al Gore gets rich, the middle class suffers, and we are faced with regulation on top of regulation that limits modern convenience and our standard of living, I propose a world where we all get to show up to work drunk, girls wear sassy outfits, diet coke flows from your kitchen faucet, and everyone eats steaks!  Hey, whatever we can do to save the planet!

Quatrain 3 Century XMII (The Vice President)

Then came in the wild stories. The tall of the truth will be at full ebb. Laughter from high rooms of the House of White walls. Quash factus, push out all that matters in truth. Rove on in the snicker. Wash away all the real and only then the Byden will spin the tallest tales and really shovel the crap.

Quatrain 24 Century XXMI (Obama’s world tour)

Flying in the largest, with the peon scribes of the one sided tablets, the high man launches a mighty wind whilst bowing down to the shorty.

Quatrain 24 Century XXMXX (Amnesty for Illegal Aliens)

Launched from the pants of the new elder, the ones who come with the coyotes will be made to taketh all the jobs that  Amerigo man needeth.  The poor hardworking fathers who needeth work shall scream at the depot of homes: “Oh please to amscray!”

Quatrain 4 Century XXXX (Gun Control)

Whenst the worry comes from the bad unstable men bearing arms, it leadeth always to abstract from the lawful man the right to protect his children and his land. Listen all to the Second Rule. Now comes the time for you to runneth, and for me to reloadeth  … for ye best not burgle my bitchin’ pad.

Quatrain 4 Century XIII (More Joe Biden)

Being more apt to be found in the hall of elks, on the 7th days eve, in a green suit of leisure with white shoes pulling a draft, slapping backs and yacking it up; the second in charge of the great nation yet pulls at our legs, and leaves us all to beg for more spirits to quell our hysteria. Winnebago Man cometh.

Quatrain 4 Century XIV (GM, Ford and Chrysler)

The carriages of thin metal turned to rot, as the eastern man copied to the better. The leaders of the governors gave them the gold and they tossed it into the bottomless cavern. A union of men folded their arms and said they were on their break.

Quatrain 43 Century XVIII (Hollywood strikes and pending strikes)

The writers struck the blow that sent the small man packing, whence the ones from the stage argued among themselves and remained deaf to the sufferings of the city of the angels. Powerless and laughed at, these selfish ones will even suggest a strike. Tone deaf to the scene, say they: screw the below-the-line schmucks.

Quatrain 35 Century XVII (Over spenders and debtors)

A bag of Coach for my lady, a table of teak for the yard, think not of smalling your bills you tool, just put it all on the card.

Quatrain 5 Century X (Screen Actors Guild)

The ones of the production howl the gut of their laughter whence come the divided group of bickering knaves. Short in the cranium is their negotiating skills, whence the camp that demands is at odds with itself. A child would sayeth “Duh”..

Quatrain 25 Century I (Left Wing Blog Trolls)

The pages from the left, send forth the Trolls at a meager pay, to rip the truth from the knowing ones. But lo, whence they toy with Nolt’s Big Wood, their flim flam gets slapped more than Shemp. Can I get an en-how?

Quatrain 13 Century X (PDA devices)

The modern times shall bringeth forth the small tap-tap-tap on impossible keys with the strange curtailment of words shortened to idiocy by the one named Roflmao. He shall anounce his strange land over and over, always ending his scribe declaring that he’d been sent from the land of black berries. The iphonians shall scoff and cling to their orchard’s rad apps.

Quatrain 224 Century XXI (Tammy Bruce on Eminem)

The one who knows of the smarter sex, and has proudly declared the equality, shows M and M to be nothing but a thug. Shaming a mighty woman in a vile way, he is shamefully ignored by the false leaders of these women. Tammy of the Bruce tore him a ripe new one.

Quatrain 45 Century X (Al Gore)

The cross of coal feetprint has been borne by the one with the locking box. He smiles through the guilt of an overflowing castle replete with bidets. He dictates the Spartan life, but leads a lush one. My strange mystical vision of him using those bidets makes me want to lose my freaking lunch.

Quatrain 24 Century XXMXX (Barney Frank)

He talks to us with authority, high from the hill to say that all must own a home, no matter the lack of any purse. Whence the debacle comes, he points the finger at others in false witness. We then ask: Barney, Is it Wabbit season or Duck season?

A couple of the usual entertainment suspects made some gross-out videos to get us to go along with the program. See, according to them if you switch off your lights for an hour, you are voting for the planet. But what you’re really doing is raising your hand when they say: “Which suckers believe in this crap?”

They want you to get used to the idea of turning off your lights when they tell you because, believe me, they will be telling you to in the future. And it won’t be a suggestion. The excuse will be climate change, of course.

Yet, increasingly, fewer people are accepting the climate change mantra. One reason is the weather has not warmed appreciably. In fact, if anything we had a much colder winter this year. NASA climate pimp James Hansen had to backtrack on some of his claims on more than one occasion.

Most of the global warming arguments are based on logical fallacies. The scientist proponents based most of it on climate computer models which simply can’t work because they don’t have all the data they need. Climate is an area we are still very much in the dark about. And the simple fact is, the study of the earth’s climate requires the study of epochs — 5,000 years at the very minimum. Most global warming scientists are basing it largely on a few hundred years of data, which amounts to the blink of an eye in earth history.

This is because the farther back you go, the more embarrassing it gets for them. We had something called the Medieval Warm Period which was warmer than today, and was actually a period where Europe flourished. And all without that nasty man-made CO2 problem.

The greenhouse gases claim is easily disproved by Al Gore’s movie. He shows a chart where temperatures go up alongside CO2 increases. Except the CO2 goes up after the temperatures increase. Something he misleads the audience about, but you can see that it does when you look at his chart. After all, most CO2 is created by life. From microscopic algae to large mammals. When temps get warmer, animals and plants thrive. They come out and breed and so on.

The bottom line with global warming is that it’s become a huge business. Bureaucrats see it as another excuse to tax people. So-called greens see it as a market for selling their products, technologies and government schemes. Scientists see it as an ATM card for government grants. The reason so many scientists “believe” in global warming is that they made it their livelihood.

Here’s the problem. The anthropogenic global warming (AGW) fanatics want everyone to cut back on energy. They want to force people to use their cars less. They want us to ration our use of electricity. Right now they’re suggesting we do this. Just like they suggested once upon a time that you don’t smoke indoors. But we saw where that went.

It always starts off with some cute stunt. Earth Hour is based on the egotistical belief that human beings are changing the climate by “being too greedy.” This is based on no evidence, just a lot of assurances from the same people who also think they know how to fix the economy. The same people who think higher taxes means more jobs. The same people who like to call others greedy while they fly around in corporate jets, commuting between mansions.

We’re supposed to believe them because they are the “smart ones.” This is how they see themselves, they like to claim they are pro-science. Except they refuse to believe the sun causes climate change and that CO2 is a “dangerous pollutant.”

What the AGW proponents are demanding will make this economy look like the gilded age. They want our economy to make significant cuts in energy use. 50% in some cases. Imagine that. They want us to use 50% less energy? Do you have any idea what that would do to us? And how do you think they’ll manage that?

Guess.

Meanwhile they want, and are getting, thanks to President Obama, billions of dollars in investment in their pet projects and technologies. Many of which are vastly inferior to oil, coal and nuclear. Many of which won’t work or are just scams.

And just to show how insincere the President is about cutting our carbon use, he’s essentially killed the nuclear power industry by shutting down Yucca Mountain. Nuclear energy is the cleanest source we have. No carbon is emitted by nuclear plants and they can provide our energy needs. But the Democrats hate nuclear power and have tried to kill it since Jimmy Carter.

The government has actually turned down a lot of MPG improving technologies since the 1970s because the states and the feds make major revenues on gasoline taxes. Increasing gas mileage would cut down on gas use. Do you really think they couldn’t come up with better MPG by now? They’ve had cars in Europe getting 50 MPG for decades.

And the real kicker is, greens keep blocking wind and solar farms for the same reasons they try to block every other kind of power plant. They seem to be against progress and industry. They don’t want our economy to keep growing. Some of these people want us all to go back to living in caves (except for themselves, of course).

Right now it’s all a big guilt trip. But don’t worry, soon they’ll stop asking and make you go a day without power. They already do that in a lot of poor countries. Even Russia. Of course, it’s largely because their economy and infrastructure are bad. But at the rate our geniuses are going, we’ll catch up to them.