Not from the Onion:

“Top kill” didn’t stop the Gulf oil spill. How about something “titanic”?

Federal officials are hoping film director James Cameron can help them come up with ideas on how to stop the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

The “Avatar” and “Titanic” director was among a group of scientists and other experts who met Tuesday with officials from the Environmental Protection Agency and other federal agencies for a brainstorming session on stopping the massive oil leak.

(more…)

Back in the late seventies I spent four years on active duty in the Marine Corps. As my military obligation was nearing completion I began a job search in the private and public sector. I narrowed my public sector job hunt to the FBI and the CIA. The CIA responded first and the application journey was like a Robert Ludlum thriller. My first interview was in a large room with only two chairs. Seated across from me was a man with a scar from ear to ear. I envisioned him being garroted in some third world country–he had my attention. Apparently I impressed him enough to recommend me in the next step of their process. Multiple flights from California to D.C. using assumed names, paying for everything in cash, meeting in safe houses, and submitting to a variety of tests only added to the mystique.

Alas however, it was not meant to be. A major stumbling block was a personality test the Agency gave all Jack Bauer wannabes. Scoring applicants on a 0-10 scale…a zero meaning you could live on a deserted island for years, a ten meaning you had to be constantly surrounded by people…I scored a ZERO. Yep, a zero. The psychologist said in all the years of administering the test he had never seen “a zero personality.” Now, I admit I somewhat skewed my answers. I figured they were looking for paid assassins they could drop behind enemy lines and remain secreted for weeks. Wrong! The agency was looking for “threes” and “fours.” On occasion my wife still reminds me I have been rated a zero personality by the federal government. I actually think I’m up to a .5, maybe even a one, but needless to say I’m not really comfortable in public settings making small talk… unless I’m undercover (but then I’m a completely different persona and my criminal alter ego takes over). (more…)