With “Whatever Works,” a deeply unpleasant, unfunny “comedy” starring Larry David, Allen takes a disturbing stride towards condoning this form of nihilism. We’re far beyond “The Heart Wants What It Wants,” the memorable theme explored so tenderly in Allen’s 1986 masterpiece “Hannah and Her Sisters.” In that film there were at least very real and human consequences to infidelity and other selfish, romantic pursuits. No more. “Whatever Works” might as well be titled “Whatever Works Works.”

David plays Boris Yellnikoof, a misanthrope’s misanthrope and relentless Leftist elitist incapable of humanity or kindness. In a series of unfunny monologues, Boris breaks the third fourth wall, acknowledges those of us in the audience and spews the same philosophy on the worthlessness of life that recently drove him out a window in a failed suicide attempt. To anyone within earshot, he’s an insistent ranter sure he’s the only one who’s figured it out because the rest of us worthless insects are embalmed with pop culture and religion.

The former academic who was once “almost nominated for the Nobel Prize” lives in a decrepit walk up and teaches chess to kids (actually he hurls insults at them) in order to meet the monthly nut. One night, on his way home, he finds a teenage waif at the bottom of his stairs, Melodie St. Ann Celestine (Evan Rachel Wood), a runaway from Mississippi. Before you can say “Why Does Woody Always Bore Us With This Troubling Obsession of His,” the sixty-year old Boris marries teen-aged Melodie.

But “Whatever Works” is only getting started. Melodie’s estranged mother and father — uptight, God-fearing Redstaters played by Ed Begley Jr. and Patricia Clarkson – are the next to arrive and fall under the spell of a Bohemian Manhattan. Before long, Allen’s ham-handed stereotypes give up the Jesus talk and silly country values for the promise of happiness found in divorce, ménage a trios and the long-repressed, inner homosexual.

Allen’s writing is shockingly lazy. The dialogue plays like something from a high school play with every on-the-nose scene stiffly performed as if over-rehearsed. The characters are worse; paper thin. Other than Rachel Wood, who summons more depth than the script deserves, the usually terrific Clarkson and Begley Jr. seem satisfied playing caricatures, which should come as no surprise. Hollywood bigots, never shy about granting terrorists, Nazis, rapists and child molesters some level of depth and dimension, refuse anything of the kind for us Wal-Mart shopping, Jesus-lovers.

With mixed results, the 74-year old Allen has used stand-ins before but David’s the worst — yes even worse than Kenneth Branagh. At least Branagh’s a talented film actor who brings something to the table above the script. Allen himself brings an unspoken pathos to these characters, even the narcissist in “Stardust Memories” and rank bastard in “Deconstructing Harry.” David only proves he’s a television actor, a sitcom guy, whose sitcom schtick never parts its own waters long enough to allow us a glimpse of the human being beneath Boris’s bile.

Not only is “Whatever Works” Allen’s worst film by a long shot, it’s an unrelentingly ugly thing that allows for a horrible, cruel and selfish man’s philosophy to win the day. In the past, even in Allen’s godless world, a consequence of some kind was meted out to these types, or at least a rotting of the soul was implied. But the man who did more than anyone to lampoon his own kind, those he famously described as the “New York, Jewish, Left-Wing, Liberal, Intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, Socialist summer camps, and the father with the Ben Shahn drawings” crowd, appears to be devolving into something that lacks the self-awareness that once made him so unique.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS tore up the box office this weekend - especially in 3-D

That means that the Per Screen Average for the movie in 3-D was about $11,700, while the 4,800 or so traditional 35MM 2-D engagements had a Per Theatre of just an estimated $4,780. Exhibitors who figured out a way to overcome the credit crunch and pay the estimated $100,000 to convert a traditional theatre into one that can show Digital 3-D made a killing this weekend.

Unlike the hokey 3-D of past generations, Real-D technology is nothing short of astonishing. We’ve come a long way from 50’s chestnuts like Bwana Devil starring Robert Stack (“A Lion in Your Lap, A Lover in Your Arms” was the tagline for those that remember. 3-D moviemaking was discovered accidentally as doctors were experimenting with polarized lenses to treat kids with a “lazy eye.” Then came trioptiscopic photographt that allowed images to float off of the screen. Industry pioneers like Arch Oboler tried to make a go with 3-D under the clunky moniker Space-Vision, but couldn’t make it work. There was some success with that same Space-Vision system with movies like Jaws 3-D, Friday the 13th: Part 3-D and Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, but nothing like today’s state-of-the-art technology.

Disney/Pixar will soon follow the technological path paved by Dreamworks

Hollywood is 40+ major 3-D releases in the pipeline, and there are still only 2,218 individual screens where those movies can play, so the race is on. Digital conversion and Real-D installation will be on the march for exhibitors who can figure out a way to finance the extraordinary expense.

Here are trailers for some of the 3-D features coming soon.

May 1 - BATTLE FOR TERRA (Lionsgate/Roadside Attractions)
What’s left of the human race invades a peaceful alien planet called Terra. A Terrian teen, voiced by Evan Rachel Wood from The Wrestler, tries to ward off the humans. Voice cast includes Brian Cox (Running with Scissors), Luke Wilson (3:10 to Yuma), David Cross (Arrested Development), Justin Long (He’s Just Not That Into You) and Amanda Peet (Syriana).

May 29 - UP (Disney/Pixar)
As always, it’s an odd premise with Pixar. In this one, a cranky old guy decides it’s time to see the wilds of South America, so he ties a bunch of balloons to his house. But after Ratatouille, Wall-E, Cars, Toy Story, I’ve learned to reserve judgment and prepare to be amazed. Featuring the voices of TV legend Ed Asner (The Mary Tyler Moore Show), Pixar vet John Ratzenberger (Cheers), Golden Globe nominee Christopher Plummer (The Insider) and Delroy Lindo (Heist).

July 1 – ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS (Fox)
The third in the Ice Age series and, possibly, the #1 grossing movie of the summer. Dinosaurs in 3-D is box office gold. Seann William Scott (Dude, Where’s My Car), Oscar nominee Queen Latifah (Hairspray), Golden Globe nominee John Leguizamo (Nothing Like the Holidays), Emmy winner Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) and Denis Leary (Rescue Me) are all featured.

Then comes Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince in IMAX 3-D only on July 17, followed by G-Force on July 24, Final Destination: Death Trip 3-D on August 14, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs on September 18, the reworking of Toy Story in the 3-D format October 2, Astro Boy on October 23, Disney’s A Christmas Carol on November 6, Planet 51 for Thanksgiving and, finally, James Cameron’s long-awaited Avatar. Here’s the teaser trailer (that gives nothing away).

I am an unabashed lover of the acting craft. I see virtually every movie, large and small, that passes through the US marketplace, and, taking nothing away from Sean Penn, Kate Winslet, Penelope Cruz and Heath Ledger, not all of 2008’s best performances have been recognized. I’m not going to be obvious here. Clint Eastwood was snubbed for Gran Torino, but he received lots of acclaim for the role including being named Best Actor by the National Board of Review. My goal is to highlight 10 performances from last year that have received virtually no acclaim in the US. Many of these roles can be found in hardly-seen, under-appreciated movies that came and went without much notice. Each and every one of these movies deserve a spot in your Netflix (or Blockbuster) cue.

My list is by no means definitive. If you have a favorite performance from 2008 that sticks with you, this is a great place to tell the world. There were 20 actors nominated on Oscar night, but there is a lot of great work that hasn’t been recognized with a walk down the red carpet.

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1. JEAN DUJARDIN, 0SS 117: CAIRO NEST OF SPIES
This was the funniest movie of the year for me. OSS 117, a reboot of a previously successful franchise, was a hit in France, but generated only about $300,000 in very limited engagements in the US. Dujardin is a James Bond-style secret agent who bumbles his way across the middle east with the panache of Sean Connery and the comic physicality of Peter Sellers. He was nominated for Best Actor at the Cesar Awards (French Oscars), but almost nobody saw Nest of Spies here. The sequel OSS 117: Rio Ne Repond Plus is due later this year. Steve Martin, who badly resurrected the Pink Panther franchise, should watch this movie with a deep sense of shame.

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2. PATRICIA CLARKSON, ELEGY
Sold about $3.5M in tickets at American box offices. In many ways, Penelope Cruz’s performance here is more courageous and luminous than her winning turn in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but I am choosing to focus on Patricia Clarkson who brings a heartfelt honest to her small role. I am always impressed when a woman is unafraid to appear nude in a film, especially if it gives us a window into that character’s soul. Clarkson is close to 50 and her character is maintaining a purely sexual relationship with Ben Kingsley’s David Kepesh. She has no illusions about being young or being in love. She is settling for the occasional comfort of a tumble with this man, and sadly, her constant career demands make a permanent loving relationship a faraway idea.

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3. BILL IRWIN, RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
Loading a dishwasher has never been so dramatic. Primarily a theatre actor (he played George alongside Kathleen Turner in the 2005 Broadway revival of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf), he does something very different in Jonathan Demme’s documentary-style Rachel Getting Married. He is the buttoned-down, peacemaker who is hiding a shattered emotional interior that comes forward in a remarkable scene in which he demonstrates how to correctly load a dishwasher. Oscar nominee Anne Hathaway and Golden Globe nominee Rosemarie DeWitt were both excellent, but Irwin’s performance has stayed with me in a meaningful way.

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4. ELSA ZYLBERSTEIN, I’VE LOVED YOU SO LONG
This extraordinary French film from the masterful Phillippe Claudel features the luminescent-but-prickly Kristin Scott Thomas, who was nominated for the Golden Globe for Best Actress – Drama and many other awards. Elsa Zylberstein portrays the fully accepting sister who loves without any strings attached. She unwinds the mystery about why her sister committed a horrible act, and simultaneously remains patient and receptive. She allows for as happy an ending as this film can possible allow. Her soulful beauty softens the rough edges of Kristin Scott Thomas’ Juliette.

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5. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR, REDBELT
David Mamet does a movie about Mixed Martial Arts. Go figure. The master of dialogue practices jujitsu in real-life, and now he has found a way to incorporate it into one of his films. Chiwetel Ejiofer portrays Mike Terry whose mantra is that “There is always an escape.” Some Hollywood types, played with the appropriate dollops of sleaze and smarminess by Tim Allen and Joe Mantegna, put him in an impossible situation, and he must find the escape. A buff Ejiofor delivers physically (easy to buy him as a badass), and he has a rigid sense of honor. His scene with Emily Mortimer in which she exorcises a past demon in worth the price of admission.

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6. KARINA FERNANDEZ, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
I love Happy-Go-Lucky. Writer/Director Mike Leigh takes a full year rehearsing and improving with his actors in order to finalize the script. He hit solid gold with Poppy, played by Sally Hawkins, who won the Golden Globe and, I assume, narrowly missed an Oscar nomination for Best Actress. The same can be said for Eddie Marsan as the anal retentive driving instructor Scott. But my shout-out here goes British stage actress Karina Fernandez who, in two short scenes, demonstrates her rigid and unbending love for the flamenco and that those very steps may be the only thing keeping her from becoming emotionally unhinged.

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7. HAAZ SLEIMAN, THE VISITOR
So much of the lightness in Oscar nominee Richard Jenkins’ turn in The Visitor is his reaction to the joyful drumming of Haaz Sleiman’s Tarek Khalil character. His co-star Danai Jekesai Gurira is also wonderful, but something tells me that the Lebanese-born Sleiman will be heard from again. After drumming with reckless abandon at one point, Tarek realizes that he is going to be late and says his girlfriend will kill him because he’s on Arab time, “It means I’m late by an hour. All Arabs are late by an hour, It’s genetic. We can’t help it.”

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8. CANTINCA UNTARU, THE FALL
The weirdest, most fantastical movie of 2008 was directed by Tarsem Singh, whose best-known previous film was the strikingly visual horror pic The Cell, starring Jennifer Lopez. This is a fable told by an injured, drug-addicted stuntman in the early 20th century who befriends a little girl. Lee Pace (brilliant in the 2003 film Soldier’s Girl and also seen in ABC’s short-lived Pushing Daisies) weaves a spectacular fantasy that plays out in the imagination of a little girl played by novice actor Cantinca Untaru. I love this movie, and I’m not alone. Roger Ebert wrote, “You might want to see this for no other reason than because it exists. There will never be another like it.” Part Wizard of Oz. Part Lord of the Rings. 100% original. And it all works because of the innocence and spontaneity of a chIld actress before the camera for the first time.

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9. KATE DEL CASTILLO, UNDER THE SAME MOON
She is absolutely beautiful and has a number of popular telenovelas to her credit including El Derecho De Nacer, Ramona, La Mentira and Imperio De Crystal before mading the jump to American television with the 2002 PBS series American Family from creator Gregory Nava (Selena, Mi Familia). This heartbreaking story of a little Mexican boy who decides to try to make it over the border to find his mother, working as a nanny and sending money home, is sweet and pulls at the heartstrings, and this Patricia Riggen movie also features a strong performance from Mexican comic actor Eugenio Derbez.

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10. JASON BUTLER HARNER, CHANGELING
I did not like Changeling. I am a huge fan of Eastwood the director, and, for me, Angelina Jolie’s performance was one-note, Jeffrey Donovan from TV’s Burn Notice was doing a 1930’s rat-ta-ta-tat dialect while Oscar nominee Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone) seemed to be playing it present day. As for the art direction, it’s been done so much better in classics like Chinatown and more recent noir like L.A. Confidential. But, the reason to see the movie is Jason Butler Harner as serial killer Gordon Stewart Northcott. He conveys a certain cavalier smarminess when confronted with his evil deeds. He enjoys the infamy he has achieved and uses it to manipulate and torture Jolie’s Christine Collins. Unsettling and unforgettable.

HONORARY MENTION
-in no particular order-

MILA KUNIS, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

MISTY UPHAM, FROZEN RIVER

DON CHEADLE, TRAITOR

DAVID KROSS, THE READER

REBECCA HALL, VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

JEFFREY WRIGHT, CADILLAC RECORDS

EVAN RACHEL WOOD, THE WRESTLER

DANNY MCBRIDE, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

DOMINIQUE PINON, ROMAN DE GARE

TILDA SWINTON, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

PAUL RUDD, ROLE MODELS

RICKY GERVAIS, GHOST TOWN

ALAN RICKMAN, BOTTLE SHOCK

Steve Mason is on Facebook and now also on Twitter.

His speech is so entertaining that as I was hosting an Oscar Eve radio special on 790 KABC in Los Angeles last night, every guest that had been at the Spirits could talk about nothing else, including Best Supporting Actress nominee Taraji P. Henson from Benjamin Button, E!’s Ben Lyons, Associated Press film critic Christy Lemire, James Marsh, the writer/director of Man On Wire (favored to win Best Documentary Feature tonight) and Emmy winning actor Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad (set to return on AMC on March 8).

This acceptance speech comes with a strong R rating, so if you are easily offended, be forewarned.

The Adam Sandler-produced comedy has broadened its audience, showing real family appeal. That led to stronger Saturday and Sunday matinees for a stellar $21.5M by Monday morning. That gives the movie a 10-day cume of just shy of $65M, which is impressive considering that it was budgeted at just $26M. After success as a supporting star in movies like Hitch ($179.5M cume) and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry ($120M cume), it appears that James can open a movie without the help of Will Smith and Adam Sandler. Mall Cop dipped only 32% from last Friday-thru-Sunday (and that was part of a 4-day weekend, which can often lead to a sharper drop).

My Friday night projection column had Underworld: Rise of the Lycans as the #1 movie with $19.75M, and the picture actually improved on that number, finishing with an estimated $20.7M. The Patrick Tatopolous-directed prequel starring Michael Sheen (currently seen as David Frost in Best Picture nominee Frost/Nixon), but the movie finished with less than the original 2003 Underworld ($21.75M) and Underworld: Evolution’s $26.85M in 2006.

The missing ingredient would seem to be the very sexy Kate Beckinsale, who starred in the first two movies in skintight leather. Rise of the Lycans cost about $35M to make, so this picture will make money for Sony. The picture skewed very male (only 41% of the audience was female), but the surprise is that it also drew an older audience. In fact, only 45% of ticket-buyers were under 25.

Oscar voters were not friendly to Clint Eastwood this week. After scoring surprise nominations (Letters From Iwo Jima) and wins (Million Dollar Baby) in recent years, the screen icon was completely shut out on Thursday. No Best Actor nod for Gran Torino (Warner Bros). No Best Director nomination for either of his two well-received 2008 movies Gran Torino or Changeling. No nominations for composing the scores for either of those movies. Clint didn’t even receive a Best Original Song nomination for the haunting and heartfelt theme song from Gran Torino that he co-wrote with son Kyle and jazz vocalist Jamie Cullum.

Instead of an Oscar, Eastwood will settle for a blockbuster hit. Gran Torino, in which he plays a bigoted Korean War veteran who befriends a Hmong boy in a rough Detroit neighborhood, scored another $16M, down only 27% from the MLK 3-day. The micro-budgeted movie by a first-time screenwriter has now grossed a staggering $97.57M, and, sometime on Wednesday, it will surpass In the Line of Fire’s $102.3M, becoming Eastwood’s al-time #1 grossing movie.

The fourth-place finisher for the frame is the live action dog movie Hotel For Dogs (Dreamworks/Paramount), which fetched about $12.36M for a new 19-day cume of almost $37M.

Meanwhile, 10 Academy Award nominations have propelled Slumdog Millionaire to a wildly successful expansion. Widening to 1,411 playdates, Fox Searchlight has perfectly calibrated the platform release and coaxed a terrific $10.55M. It’s hard to believe that after being developed by the now-defunct Warner Independent Pictures, this $14M indie almost wound up going straight-to-video. Now Danny Boyle’s life-affirming masterpiece will have grossed almost $56M by Monday, and Slumdog will be selling a lot more tickets between now and Oscar day.

The other major studio release is Inkheart, which is the product of New Line (absorbed last year by Warner Bros). Based on a novel by Cornelia Funke and starring Brendan Fraser, Paul Bettany (The Da Vinci Code) and Academy Award winner Helen Mirren, this Narnia-wannabe never really had much of a chance. With tepid reviews (36% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes) and very low awareness according to pre-release industry tracking, Inkheart only mustered about $7.72M for the weekend, finishing a disappointing #7.

The most-nominated film of the year got a boost as well as The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount) managed another $1.6M to start the 3-day, which translated to another top ten finish with a $6M weekend take (ninth for the 3-day). With nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor: Brad Pitt, Best Supporting Actress: Taraji P. Henson, Best Director: David Fincher, Best Adapted Screenplay: Eric Roth and Best Original Score: Alexandre Desplat among others, Ben Button has a new domestic gross of $111M.

Three other Oscar nominated films got their post-nomination expansions. Revolutionary Road (Dreamworks/Paramount) was crushed by Thursday’s Oscar announcement, but still managed to do some decent business. Dreamworks was clearly banking on a nomination for Best Actress for Kate Winslet and an outside shot at a Best Picture nom, but the Sam Mendes-directed movie settled for nods for Best Supporting Actor: Michael Shannon, Best Art Direction and Best Costume Design: Albert Wolsky. Rolling out on 1,058 screens, the dark, domestic drama sold a respectable $5.26M in tickets over the 3-day for a $4,979 Per Theatre Average.

Mickey Rourke’s career-resurrecting performance in The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight) grabbed an approximate $6,500 PTA for the weekend. With a more limited 566 playdates, the Darren Aronofsky-directed gem corralled about $3.7M for a new cume of $9.5M. The picture could get another boost if Rourke manages to win the Screen Actors Guild Award for Best Actor.

Finally, Best Picture nominee Frost/Nixon (Universal) has failed to ignite much interest despite 5 Academy Award nominations. Co-starring the aforementioned Michael Sheen, the Ron Howard-directed film has expanded to 1,100 locations, but it managed only a disappointing $3.02M for the weekend for a new cume of just $12M.

FINAL STUDIO ESTIMATES
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony) – $21.5M, $$6,838 PTA, $64.8M cume
2. NEW – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (Sony) – $20.7M, $7,036 PTA, $20.7M cume
3. Gran Torino (Warner Bros) – $16M, $5,255, $97.57M cume
4. Hotel For Dogs (Dreamworks/Paramount) – $12.36M, $3,779 PTA, $36.95M cume
5. Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight) – $10.55M, $7,477 PTA, $55.91M cume
6. My Bloody Valentine 3-D (Lionsgate) – $10.05M, $3,966 PTA, $37.72M cume
7. NEW – Inkheart (Warner Bros) – $7.72M, $2,910 PTA, $7.72M cume
8. Bride Wars (Fox) – $7M, $2,671 PTA, $48.7M cume
9. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount) – $6M, $2,651 PTA, $111M cume
10. Notorious (Fox Searchlight) – $5.7M, $3,473 PTA, $31.79M cume
11. Defiance (Paramount Vantage) – $5.43M, $3,030 PTA, $18.32M cume
12. Revolutionary Road (Dreamworks/Paramount) – $5.26M, $4,979 PTA, $11.86M
*The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight) – $3.9M, $6,890 PTA, $9.71M cume
*Frost/Nixon (Universal) – $3.24M, $2,948 PTA, $12.22M cume

Steve Mason is on Facebook and now also on Twitter.