So last Saturday, Earth Hour took place- that mystical event when cities around the world pledge to turn off the power, and go dark for an hour.

It began in Australia in 2007, and has since spread like a pimply rash to more than 130 countries.

But If you missed it, it’s not your fault.

I totally drank my way through it – and the only thing I had off were my pants.

And now, after five years, some commentators are pronouncing the fad over, which suggest we’re all uncaring jerks.

Which I know I am anyway.

And that’s where I’m going with this.

See, if you took a bunch of “caring” people, and a bunch of people like me, and compared our environmental behaviors, would you really see a difference?

To steal a quote from David Mamet’s new book, “no adherent of either view is going to live his life in congruity with all, or even most of the precepts he believes himself to endorse.”

Meaning, the girl lecturing me on carbon offsets, is still lecturing me at the bar, which is powered by oil and electricity. And we’re also drinking the same beer, trucked in by giant gas guzzling semi’s. We are both the same (except I made her up).

Anyway, it’s no wonder “Earth Hour’s” in trouble. Fact is, no one is going to sit in the dark for that long, when there’s fun stuff to do that involves electricity and/or batteries.

Which is why this earnest dreck will continue, in sympathy only. Meaning, people will engage in this symbolic activity… only with their feelings.

“Oh isn’t that a nice idea,” says a concerned citizen, as she boards her flight to Prague. For that moment, just thinking about “earth hour” feels like you’re doing something good – even if the chihuaha you’re holding was trucked in from Guam.

And if you disagree with me, you’re a racist homophobe.

Tonight:

Jim Norton!

Jedidiah Bila!

and a first-timer Krystal Ball!

OK, so if you were mujahedeen, after Saturday night’s display of defiance and retaliation by the Free World against global warming/cooling/something, wouldn’t you totally be like:

“Hey, Infidel — Look! Does one cloud look darker to you than the other?”

“Ohmygod — where?!” (Infidel looks up.)

Sound of throat slashing.

“Works every time! Works every time!” the mujahed laughs to himself as he moves on to the next vigilant infidel.

Ever notice how as the threat of global terrorism reaches a crescendo, so apparently does the threat of global climate change?

Tough language is borrowed from the war on terror and applied to the war on weather. “I really consider this a national security issue,” says Laurie David. Al Gore calls global warming a “planetary emergency.” Bill Clinton’s “first worry” is climate change: “It’s the only thing that I believe has the power to fundamentally end the march of civilization as we know it.”

That’s right — don’t fight terrorism. Fight the weather. I guess if the Sudan had handed me bin Laden on a silver platter and I declined, and then I allied the Free World with al Qaeda in Kosovo and Bosnia — and didn’t bother dropping by the World Trade Center after it was bombed even though I was just across the river, I’d prefer to talk about the weather now too.

(Gore, meanwhile, has said that we “have to think differently about war” — a reference to war’s environmental consequences — and a handy excuse to not fight any real enemies.)

Freud called it displacement. People fixate on the environment when they can’t deal with real threats. Shaking a fist at the climate gives non-hawks a chance to look tough. They figure, “Let’s flex our muscle on this Mother Nature thing. Let’s take a preemptive strike at an SUV. Show ‘em we can be tough too.” So they play up climate change like it’s as urgent as terrorism — a threat they claim is overstated. Forget the Patriot Act, it’s Kyoto that’ll save you.

That’s why in 2004 we got “The Day After Tomorrow” — so we could worry about junk science that may or may not kill us in 1,000 years instead of the people who really are trying to kill us the day after tomorrow.

Take the nuclear waste facility in the Yucca Mountains of Nevada. The storage site was made durable for 10,000 years. But the environmentalists said that wasn’t good enough — make it two million. What was wrong with 10,000? Even the Jews haven’t been around for 10,000 years. And with a jihad on that’s going unanswered, no one’ll be around for another 10,000. Who are the enviros trying to protect? The cockroaches?

Why are these people so worried about the environment, anyway? It’s not like they’re living on this planet. And why are Democrats considered to be better for the environment than Republicans? It’s liberals who are polluting our water supply with all their anti-depressant medications and birth control. That’s not Republican Prozac in the water (we’re able to function in reality and don’t have to create alternate universes like Hollywood and academia). Perhaps if Democrats were more Republican, they wouldn’t need so much medication? They might even be able to face real threats.

For example, a real solution to a real problem — say, missile defense — is regarded as a joke by these types. (“Ha ha ha—‘Star Wars’, that’s so dumb–it’ll never work.”) So we have to fight to have a ballistic missile defense shield so we can save their asses so they can continue arguing that it doesn’t work. But something that we don’t know if it even exists, or needs fixing, or can be fixed—that’s when their critical thinking skills kick in:

“Stop! Shhhhhhh! Did you hear that? Did you feel that?!”
“Uh, no.”
“AHA!”

So while the hawks among us worry about preventing the real apocalypse that’s coming, the lefties just want to make sure the planet is in pristine condition when it gets here. In fact, the more menacing terrorism becomes, the more some people worry about the weather. Scared out of their wits and at a loss for how to fight terrorists — which requires some balls — they confront “climate change,” which only requires spending other people’s money like a bitch. No wonder some of these people chain themselves to trees — they think money grows on them. This whole global warming scare is just another scheme to bankrupt the American economy, so that the socialists can turn around and say, “See? We told you capitalism doesn’t work!”

There are people who just spent the winter cycling across America in freezing temperatures to promote awareness of global warming.

***Newsflash*** That heat you’re feeling isn’t global warming. It’s global Islam. It’s real, and it’s getting closer. You’ll have to cycle faster.

Then again, as one commenter pointed out on the Free Republic website, stoning is environmentally friendly, improves the fertility of the soil, and rocks can be recycled for future stonings.

So here I am walking around hunched over and flinching in anticipation of the next terrorist attack — and liberals are trying to talk to me about the freaking weather.

When did the weather become political, anyway? Whose idea was it to politicize the weather and call it environment? It’s not the environment — it’s the weather; stop trying to control it.

Ah, but some people need to. While they’re working toward socialized health-care and a controlled economy, they also have to socialize the weather. Showing of course no respect for the fact that the weather is a diva that doesn’t like to be predictable. (Why do you think it’s called the “weather”? Because you don’t know whether it’s going to behave the way it’s supposed to.)

Some even want to hold the U.S. legally liable for rising sea levels in other countries because of our high carbon dioxide emissions — even though an awful lot of people from those countries move here to do their emitting. (Can we be legally liable if half of them come here illegally?) Maybe if more countries were more industrialized and free-market, people wouldn’t risk their lives to do their driving and their farting over here?

Since liberals know that their threat is not as bad-ass as ours, they’ve recruited hooded, menacing children for public service announcements — apparently using the casting director from “Children of the Corn” — to warn us about screwing with THEIR future. (Weren’t all the liberal kids supposed to be aborted by now?)

If liberals think their threat is so big and bad, then I’d like to challenge them. Hey Lefties: I’ll bet that our threat can kick your threat’s ass. Let’s see — can climate change kick jihad’s ass? Put them in the ring together. In the right corner, we have two million Islamofascist fundamentalist jihadi psychopathic killing machines, supported actively or tacitly by several hundred million of the earth’s inhabitants, weighing in at 90 trillion pounds. In the left corner, we have Global Warming, alias “Climate Change,” weighing in at, um, uh, eh, beh — well let’s just get ready to rumble:

It looks like jihad is going in for the first punch — and the second punch. Global Warming/Cooling/Changing/Something is not responding. It seems to be hanging back in its corner, perhaps waiting for jihad to get tired. But it’s getting pummeled pretty bad. If it keeps on like this, Climate Change won’t be in any shape to be a threat to anyone. It may lose the title and never see another dime.

But who are we kidding — the lefties’ threat wouldn’t even show up for the match. And yet it is our threat that has already been declared non-existent by the current administration which last week ended, at least semantically, the war on terror, thereby making no pretense about its reluctance to fight real threats. The warnings are all about climate change now. (Wasn’t change supposed to be a good thing?)

In other words, as was warned, if Obama won, so would the terrorists.

Then again, having seen Rocky’s comeback in the 2006 movie “Rocky Balboa,” I’m not one to underestimate the spirit of the underdog, in this case Global Warming, alias “Climate Change.” Indeed, using one of those enviro-doomsday computerized weather models, I calculated that our catastrophe-to-be should befall us soon after the Islamic caliphate has completed its takeover. Just in time to put the planet out of its misery.

The worship and love of materials is our nation’s religion. I’d say it was a new religion, but it’s actually the oldest religion in the world, Paganism.  Judeo-Christian values came from a pagan world with a radical new concept: the Creator, not the creation, should not be worshiped.

Recent leftist hysteria demands the removal of formal religion from public life. But they snuck in a new absolute for which we are not to argue. There’s no “true for you but not for me.” when it comes to the dogma of Global Climate Change. If someone tells me I have to change the light-bulbs in my house or I’m a bad person, I cannot reply, “Who are you to judge?” Their answer will likely start with something like, “Science says…” or “Everyone knows…” or a standard ad hominem like “racist,” “homophobe,” “anti-science,” or “Bible-thumper.”

My children aren’t allowed to hear about God in public school, but my seven-year-old daughter brings home Earth Day bullshit propaganda that instruct children to tell their parents to change light-bulbs, turn off lights, and re-use shopping bags. When my daughter obeys the national religion’s mandate I tell her, “Those aren’t our values. That’s not our religion. We don’t fear capitalism, and we pay for the energy we use. We believe in a God that is not the creation.”

I’d like to announce that Saturday, March 29th 28th from 8:30pm to 9:30pm local time is Creator Hour! We will make a statement that God’s illumination is the ultimate hope for mankind by turning on every light in the house for that one hour. Let your pagan neighbors self-flagellate themselves by depriving themselves of light. We need to make up for their lack of illumination by turning on yard lights, garage lights, maybe even start up the fireplace.

The Earth Hour website calls for us to “Vote Earth,” but  I intend to cast my ballot for the other party: Vote Creator! Turn on the lights and show the pagans that illumination, inspiration, capitalism, creativity and sobriety in the face of hysterics is how we conquer our problems.

So, if you also have a higher opinion of the Creator than you do of fear-mongers, join me and turn on every unnecessary light you can from 8:30 to 9:30pm on the 29th 28th. I’m turning on my pool lights, I’ll light some tiki torches, and I’ll probably leave the fridge open for that hour just to make sure my carbon production offsets the liberal church-ladies shoving their religion down my throat.

A couple of the usual entertainment suspects made some gross-out videos to get us to go along with the program. See, according to them if you switch off your lights for an hour, you are voting for the planet. But what you’re really doing is raising your hand when they say: “Which suckers believe in this crap?”

They want you to get used to the idea of turning off your lights when they tell you because, believe me, they will be telling you to in the future. And it won’t be a suggestion. The excuse will be climate change, of course.

Yet, increasingly, fewer people are accepting the climate change mantra. One reason is the weather has not warmed appreciably. In fact, if anything we had a much colder winter this year. NASA climate pimp James Hansen had to backtrack on some of his claims on more than one occasion.

Most of the global warming arguments are based on logical fallacies. The scientist proponents based most of it on climate computer models which simply can’t work because they don’t have all the data they need. Climate is an area we are still very much in the dark about. And the simple fact is, the study of the earth’s climate requires the study of epochs — 5,000 years at the very minimum. Most global warming scientists are basing it largely on a few hundred years of data, which amounts to the blink of an eye in earth history.

This is because the farther back you go, the more embarrassing it gets for them. We had something called the Medieval Warm Period which was warmer than today, and was actually a period where Europe flourished. And all without that nasty man-made CO2 problem.

The greenhouse gases claim is easily disproved by Al Gore’s movie. He shows a chart where temperatures go up alongside CO2 increases. Except the CO2 goes up after the temperatures increase. Something he misleads the audience about, but you can see that it does when you look at his chart. After all, most CO2 is created by life. From microscopic algae to large mammals. When temps get warmer, animals and plants thrive. They come out and breed and so on.

The bottom line with global warming is that it’s become a huge business. Bureaucrats see it as another excuse to tax people. So-called greens see it as a market for selling their products, technologies and government schemes. Scientists see it as an ATM card for government grants. The reason so many scientists “believe” in global warming is that they made it their livelihood.

Here’s the problem. The anthropogenic global warming (AGW) fanatics want everyone to cut back on energy. They want to force people to use their cars less. They want us to ration our use of electricity. Right now they’re suggesting we do this. Just like they suggested once upon a time that you don’t smoke indoors. But we saw where that went.

It always starts off with some cute stunt. Earth Hour is based on the egotistical belief that human beings are changing the climate by “being too greedy.” This is based on no evidence, just a lot of assurances from the same people who also think they know how to fix the economy. The same people who think higher taxes means more jobs. The same people who like to call others greedy while they fly around in corporate jets, commuting between mansions.

We’re supposed to believe them because they are the “smart ones.” This is how they see themselves, they like to claim they are pro-science. Except they refuse to believe the sun causes climate change and that CO2 is a “dangerous pollutant.”

What the AGW proponents are demanding will make this economy look like the gilded age. They want our economy to make significant cuts in energy use. 50% in some cases. Imagine that. They want us to use 50% less energy? Do you have any idea what that would do to us? And how do you think they’ll manage that?

Guess.

Meanwhile they want, and are getting, thanks to President Obama, billions of dollars in investment in their pet projects and technologies. Many of which are vastly inferior to oil, coal and nuclear. Many of which won’t work or are just scams.

And just to show how insincere the President is about cutting our carbon use, he’s essentially killed the nuclear power industry by shutting down Yucca Mountain. Nuclear energy is the cleanest source we have. No carbon is emitted by nuclear plants and they can provide our energy needs. But the Democrats hate nuclear power and have tried to kill it since Jimmy Carter.

The government has actually turned down a lot of MPG improving technologies since the 1970s because the states and the feds make major revenues on gasoline taxes. Increasing gas mileage would cut down on gas use. Do you really think they couldn’t come up with better MPG by now? They’ve had cars in Europe getting 50 MPG for decades.

And the real kicker is, greens keep blocking wind and solar farms for the same reasons they try to block every other kind of power plant. They seem to be against progress and industry. They don’t want our economy to keep growing. Some of these people want us all to go back to living in caves (except for themselves, of course).

Right now it’s all a big guilt trip. But don’t worry, soon they’ll stop asking and make you go a day without power. They already do that in a lot of poor countries. Even Russia. Of course, it’s largely because their economy and infrastructure are bad. But at the rate our geniuses are going, we’ll catch up to them.