Not so fast, says “Margin Call” writer/director J.C. Chandor.

—–

Not only does the film refuse to paint all Wall Street denizens as cold-hearted villains, it shows that money isn’t always the driving factor in foul financial decisions.

“The situation is far more complicated than quote, unquote greed. Careers are on the line, people’s self worth,” Chandor tells Big Hollywood. “It’s beyond monetary gain.”

The film, which nabbed two Independent Spirit Award nominations (Best First Feature and Best First Screenplay), is now available via Blu-ray, DVD and digital download from Lions Gate.

“Margin Call” follows a long, calamitous night in which a low-level investment bank worker (Zachary Quinto) alerts his bosses that the company’s fiscal house is about to come tumbling down. And, possibly, the entire economy along with it if the wrong moves are made. The modestly-budgeted film features Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Irons, Paul Bettany, Demi Moore and Simon Baker.

The impressive cast wasn’t drawn to the project for a quick paycheck. Chandor, a first-time feature director with experience in commercials and documentaries, had to do some unofficial selling to seal the deals.

“The first couple of conversations with every one of these actors were an audition in a weird way,” he says. “The script drew them in, and they agreed to sit down with me.”

One doesn’t need to be a professional number cruncher to follow “Margin Call,” and that was all part of the plan.

“At every stage of the process, from writing through shooting and, most importantly, editing, it was about finding that balance … so that there wasn’t unnecessary information flying around,” he says. “We tried to keep the story as simple as possible, zeroing in on what was most interesting.”

One of the darkest dollops of humor in the film stems from how the bigger the boss, the more clueless he is regarding the bank’s spread sheets. Chandor used his own research to flesh out these bleakly comic morsels.

“I ran into a lot of that on the trading floors,” says Chandor of how he asked various professionals to break down in basic terms the work they do.  “So many people were unable to do it. They’d get halfway into it, and then they couldn’t explain it in a very simple way.”

“If you can’t explain something in four of five sentences … that’s a sign that you yourself don’t understand what’s happening.”

“Margin Call” wasn’t a blockbuster by even independent film standards. But the movie raked in roughly $5 million in domestic ticket sales and north of $4 million through Video on Demand – the latter coming at the same time “Call” was in theaters.

The press seized on the OWS connection early on, but Chandor says that could have harmed the film’s profitability.

“In the end, things like that can have a very negative impact on the film. It makes it feel too ripped from the headlines,” he says. “That ended up not being the case. For a film with very little money for advertising, it helped raise our awareness significantly … but dollars and cents wise, I’m not sure how much an effect it had.”

The film’s impact on the greater independent film scene, though, may just be beginning. “Margin Call” maxed out on 199 theaters while simultaneously showing via VOD. The film was deemed a success on both platforms, assuaging theater owners’ fears that VOD distribution will eat into theatrical profits.

“For 95 percent of small, art-house releases that never break through the 200 screen release mark, this is absolutely a net positive,” he says.

Chandor initially rejected the VOD move, thinking back on the straight to video dreck of a decade or so ago. Now, he sees the “Margin Call”-style release pattern as a huge boon to independent film – and parents with small children.

“I have two kids. I don’t get to go to the theater any more … it’s an expensive night out,” he says. “I feel anything that increases the audience [for a film] is a good plus.”

It is good to know, though, that someone in Hollywood opposes children being forced into sex slavery. Love to hear their thoughts on ACORN, wouldn’t you? And what about Roman Polanski? Do real men forcibly rape thirteen year-old girls in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Thought so.

—–

—–

Hollie McKay at Fox News:

Demi Moore, husband Ashton Kutcher and their self-titled the Demi and Ashton Foundation (DNA), which seeks to combat the sexual exploitation and slavery of minors, have come under fire this week over a campaign many consider to be inappropriately light and fluffy given the severity of the issue.

The Hollywood power couple enlisted an array of their A and B-list friends (including Sean Penn, Jessica Biel, Eva Longoria and Justin Timberlake) for a public service campaign which consists of several short videos featuring the slogan “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls.”

In one spot, Sean Penn proves that “real men know how to use an iron,” by ironing his sandwich before eating it. Justin Timberlake exemplifies that “real men know how to shave” by taking to his facial hair with an electric chainsaw. Bradley Cooper shows that “real men know how to make a meal” by pouring milk into a cereal box and eating it with a giant spoon. 

Not everyone is amused.

“This is what happens when celebrities do an issue divorced from the movement. Once you chose an issue and don’t do it in collaboration with people who have been doing this for a long time, this is what you end up with,” Norma Ramos, Executive Director of the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women told FOX411.com. “There is a general dumbing down that is going on and this is an example of dumbing down a social justice movement with the narrowest message possible.” 

Full story here.

It is hard to find a media personality more widely despised than Perez Hilton.  From Will.i.am to Demi Moore, celebs across the spectrum think Hilton is a pimple on the butt of Hollywood.  And they’re basically correct. 

As of Sunday, he’s not just an annoyance – he’s a child pornographer.  On that fateful day, Hilton, whose standards of good taste include using Photoshop to paint semen on the faces of stars and starlets and helpfully labeling body parts like “ass” and “boobs”, hit a new low.  He linked via his Twitter account to a picture of rising Madonna wannabe Miley Cyrus climbing out of a car in a short skirt and no underwear.  In the picture, which has been removed, Cyrus’ genitals are allegedly clearly visible.  

According to Salon.com, Jeffrey Douglas, a criminal defense attorney in Los Angeles, said that Hilton had subjected himself to “extraordinary and intense” liability and that it was “suicidal for him to do this.”  Douglas continued, “We’re not talking about a misdemeanor.  You don’t have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph.”  

Douglas is exactly right.  Under 18 USC §2252, any person who:

“…knowingly transports or ships using any means or facility of interstate or foreign commerce or in or affecting or foreign commerce by any means including by computer … any visual depiction, if – (A) the producing of such visual depiction involves the use of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; and (B) such visual depiction is of such conduct.” 

This sounds like the child would have to be engaged in sexual activity, so a nude shot wouldn’t do the trick, but that’s not correct – under 18 USC §2256…

“…‘minor’ means any person under the age of eighteen years,” and “‘sexually explicit conduct’ means actual or simulated … lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area of any person.” 

So upskirt shots of Miley Cyrus count as child porn, and Hilton absolutely distributed one of them.  What’s Hilton’s penalty?  Under 18 USC §2251, “Any individual who violates, or attempts or conspires to violate, this section shall be fined under this title and imprisoned not less than 15 years nor more than thirty years.” 

Hilton also violated California state law.  Under California Penal Code §311.2(b):

“Every person who knowingly sends or causes to be sent, or brings or causes to be brought, into this state for sale or distribution, or in this state possesses, prepares, publishes, produces, develops, duplicates, or prints any representation of information, data, or image … any obscene matter, knowing that the matter depicts a person under the age of 18 years personally engaging in or personally simulating sexual conduct, as defined in Section 311.4, is guilty of a felony and shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for two, three, or six years, or by a fine not exceeding one hundred thousand dollars ($100,000), in the absence of a finding that the defendant would be incapable of paying that fine, or by both that fine and imprisonment.”  What is “sexual conduct” under §311.4?  It includes “exhibition of the genitals or pubic or rectal area for the purpose of sexual stimulation of the viewer.” 

That would be what Hilton just distributed. 

So let’s total this up.  Hilton is facing a maximum fine of $100,000 under California law, more under federal law, as well as a maximum of 36 years in prison and a minimum of 17 years in prison. 

The fact is that Hilton has come close to crossing this line before.  Last year, Hilton posted pictures of Tallulah Willis, the 15-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, wearing revealing a revealing top.  Hilton called her a “slut.”  Then Hilton posted a picture of Tallulah’s shorts riding up, and labeled it “ASS.”  

So there’s a pattern here.  While Hilton may not be printing these pictures out and tacking them to his walls for his own sexual pleasure, he’s making the photos widely available to those who do.  And that violates federal and state law. 

The only question is: is there a DA gutsy enough to take Hilton on?

 —–

Steve Jones is not really Steve Jones.  He is a former car salesman hired by a shadowy marketing company to pose as the father in a Potemkin model family pushing high-end consumer goods on their unsuspecting neighbors.  His lovely wife Kate is really their boss or the slightly sinister sounding “cell” leader.  All ridiculously good-looking, the Joneses (Demi Moore, David Duchovny, Pineapple Express’s Amber Heard, and a dude from a cancelled CW show) effortlessly bedazzle those dumb, hardworking rubes.  Before they know it, they are buying ugly track suits and sports cars they cannot afford because of the “ripple effects” generated by the Joneses’ extremely unsubtle product placement. 

Therein lays the greatest problem with The Joneses.  While it unequivocally reproaches the supposedly predatory capitalism practiced by the phony family, it simply drips with contempt their hapless targets.  This is personified with excruciating clarity by the Joneses’ Mertzes: Larry and Summer, the couple next door.  Though he supposedly owns his own business, he is a classic hen-pecked husband, nauseatingly ineffectual in every way.  Summer is an equally unsympathetic figure, obsessed with her motivational tapes and her Mary Kaye-like cosmetics sales program.  Sure, the Joneses wreck havoc on their lives, but it seems like the film can hardly blame them for taking advantage of such easy marks. 

Of course, it is hardly shocking when the Joneses’ neighbors start having economic problems, since nobody in this film ever seems to work.  Instead, they spend all their time on the golf course or at the spa.  When asked what he does for a living, Steve Jones replies “a little of this, a little of that, but mainly just keeping my wife happy.”  This would arouse plenty of suspicion in Middle America, but everyone in the Joneses accepts it, no questions asked. 

Indeed, the filmmakers seem to have little or no familiarity with “flyover country.”  Predictably, the Joneses’ predominantly white upper-middle class neighborhood is presented as an intolerant enclave of conformity.  To emphasize the point, when the gay fake son Mick comes on to the wrong guy at a party, he naturally gets a beating rather than a firm but polite rejection.  As a result, Duchovny’s constant moral agonizing seems hollow and misplaced.  Frankly, had the audience been encouraged to root for the Joneses to make their nonsensical sales targets, the film might have worked better.  

Obviously, Moore and Duchovny make an attractive couple.  To be fair, as they evolve from coworkers to tentative lovers, they demonstrate enough chemistry to suggest a straight-up rom-com might be worth exploring for them.  Unfortunately, they are squandered in a thoroughly unbelievable, frequently unpleasant film. 

Sure, the plot is predictable and the characterization is problematic, but the Joneses’ faulty premise is its Achilles heel.  It suggests American consumers are inherently irrational and utterly immune to economic incentives.  Yet, it is flatly contradicted by hundreds of years of economic history, including the predictable drop in demand that always follows tax increases levied on luxury goods, shocking absolutely no one except perhaps a stray filmmaker here and there.  The truth is average Americans are decidedly rational.  It is The Joneses that could use an infusion of common sense.  It opens today (4/16) in New York at the Chelsea Clearview.

Last week Big Hollywood drew attention to a 4:13 video directed by Demi Moore and starring Kutcher and fifty-six of their famous friends and intended to “illustrate how they will help make the nationwide change, inspired by President-elect Barack Obama, a reality.”

One of the central tenets of the pledge is to be more neighborly.

From the script — “I pledge”:

Ioan Gruffudd: “to meet my neighbors”…
Rex Lee: “Find out their names”…
Cameron Diaz: “I am gonna give ‘em a smile”…
Tatyana Ali: “And ask them how I can be of service to them”…

The smiling and community service-mindedness ended Thursday morning on the affluent side of Beverly Hills. According to TMZ, “Kutcher went absolutely insane when he was woken up by a neighbor who started construction on a house at 7:30 in the morning.”

Wearing his morning fedora, Kutcher chose to videotape and chronicle the inconvenience online.

Among Kutcher’s early morning Twitter offerings:

“this SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick!”

“Jack ass 7am building a goddamn fort next to my house f’in up my view and noise polluting the entire f’in neighborhood with pounding steal”

“holy moly I’m gonna lose it!”

“this ass clown has another thing coming!”

“I’m gonna kill my neighbor”

Video seen here.

Screenwriter Bruce Goldsmith, the neighbor, told TMZ he found Kutcher “silly” and “out of line.”

Moore, 46, not to be out-Twittered, tried to calm down her husband:

“The neighbor doing consruction (sic) with six guys pounding hammers against steel at 7 a.m. is no way to wake up! … baby keep it together there should only be another 5 months of this… calm and gentle baby you can pull out the paint gun later!”

According to the LA TIMES, Goldsmith “says that the house Kutcher lives in was built over a 10-year period and that all the neighbors had to suck it up and cope with their construction noise.”

Kutcher later responded to TMZ’s report on his Twitter account: “[C]an’t someone have a moment and even a sense of humor about being annoyed without skanky tmz twisting into something it’s not?”

Maybe Goldsmith is being “punk’d” and has yet to be informed that he is in the middle of one of the 30-year old Kutcher’s notorious Allen Funt-inspired hijinks. Or perhaps, TMZ is being played by the neighbor and Kutcher in an inside joke thus far lost on the general population. Or plausibly, a recent president now clearing brush at his Crawford, Texas ranch is the one to blame.

Whatever the reasoning, one thing is for sure. I’m still keeping my pledge.

And not for the reasons you might think.

Yes, he’s a liberal’s liberal. And he epitomizes all that Big Hollywood rails against. He infuses his politics into everything he writes. He purposefully paints most conservative characters with broad, stereotype strokes which leave them characterized as either stupid or evil. He makes liberal characters out to be earnest, hard-working idealists with hearts of gold. They are all intelligent and sympathetic and their only fault seems to be that they just care too much. Even when he’s writing about sportscasters or a sketch comedy show, liberal political positions come out of most of his character’s mouths as if they are given facts, gospel truths. When he does offer up a sympathetic character with conservative views (Ainsley Hayes or Harriet Hayes) they are “lone voices” that always seem to be outnumbered, shouted down or merely there as a foil for the lead character (heroic liberal) to intellectually vivisect for the happy ending.

But, no, that’s not why he pisses me off. He pisses me off because he’s SO DAMN GOOD!

Sitting in the Music Box theatre for the first public performance of A Few Good Men was one of the most electric theatrical experiences of my life. The energy from that cast as they worked the not-yet-legendary “Sorkinese” was something to behold. If you get a kick out of following the characters on “Sports Night” or “West Wing” as they meander the hallways of their workplace trading rapid-fire verbal barbs that make the Algonquin look like an I-Hop, then you really need to experience Sorkin’s work live in the theatre. There’s nothing like being in the same room with the actors and being part of the pace and build and crescendo of his scenes.

And although Sorkin has devoted most of the past fifteen years to television drama, I would contend that each episode of “Sports Night” or “West Wing” or the under-appreciated “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” were mini-plays. They were structured like plays and mostly worked within the confines of two or three sets that could have been constructed on a proscenium stage. Sorkin is a man of the theatre and that’s one of the reasons he is so good at character, plot and dialogue (you know, the three things writing used to be about).

Now, of course, the fact that he is so good is not what really pisses me off… but it’s part of it. You see, because he’s so good, I know that he could write a play with a conservative protagonist. I know he could make that conservative person intelligent, and heroic and I know he could get the whole audience rooting for him. I can prove it. Pretend you don’t know the end of “A Few Good Men.” Pretend you haven’t already spent 90 minutes rooting for Tom Cruise and Demi Moore (Demi in a Navy uniform no less!). Pretend you don’t already know that the Col. Jessup character is sinister in some way… now read this:

Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and curse the Marines; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Sorkin’s words are powerful, patriotic and true. But, they are used in a context that paint the Col. Jessup character into an evil, twisted and angry man. Couldn’t this dialogue been used for a protagonist instead of a villain? Sorkin could do it…. he could. He doesn’t want to. I don’t believe that because he is a liberal he is incapable of writing a sympathetic conservative character. There is too much in the script of “A Few Good Men” that betrays his respect, understanding and admiration of the military.

Dawson: We joined the Marines because we wanted to live our lives by a certain code, and we found it in the Corps. Now you’re asking us to sign a piece of paper that says we have no honor. You’re asking us to say we’re not Marines. If a court decides that what we did was wrong, then I’ll accept whatever punishment they give. But I believe I was right sir, I believe I did my job, and I will not dishonor myself, my unit, or the Corps so I can go home in six months… Sir.

Kaffee: A crime? What crime did he commit? Lieutenant Kendrick? Dawson brought a hungry guy some food… what crime did he commit?

Lt. Kendrick: He disobeyed an order!

Kaffee: And because he did. Because he exercised his own set of values. Because he made a decision about the welfare of another Marine which was in conflict with an order of yours he was punished. Isn’t that right.

Lt. Kendrick: Lance Corporal Dawson disobeyed an order!

Kaffee: Yeah, but it wasn’t a real order, was it? I mean it’s peace time. He wasn’t being asked to secure a hill or advance on a beach head. Surely a Marine of Dawson’s intelligence can be trusted to determine, on his own, which are the really important orders and which orders might, say, be morally questionable? Lieutenant Kendrick? Can he? Can Dawson determine on his own which orders he’s going to follow?

Lt. Kendrick: No, he cannot.

Lt. Weinberg: Why do you like them so much?

Galloway: Because they stand upon a wall and say, “Nothing’s going to hurt you tonight, not on my watch.”

He can do it. I think any good writer can do it. God knows there are many conservative writers in Hollywood forced to work on product that goes against their ideals, but they do it because they are talented writers and that is their job. Sorkin is so damn good.

He could do it to. But he chooses not to.

And that pisses me off.

Stage Right is on Facebook.

This clip is from the finale of “Babes In Arms,” the first of four extremely entertaining, black and white, “Let’s put on a show” musicals Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland made over just a few years.

The context of the clip is what’s fascinating. The year is 1939, two years before Pearl Harbor, so this is not a studio humorously and affectionately saluting a wartime president. In fact, FDR’s New Deal was well into its fifth year but still the Depression raged. Even more interesting is that MGM studio head, Louis B. Mayer, was a staunch and active Republican who opposed FDR and loathed his Big Government solutions.

After five years and no end in sight to the Depression you would think Mayer, who ruled MGM with an iron fist, might use his power over the most effective propaganda tool ever created to undermine Roosevelt, but he didn’t. Certainly, some of his motives were business based, but Mayer also put the interest of the American people above his own. FDR might not have been Mayer’s man and FDR’s policies might not have been Mayer’s policies, but for the good of the people, Mayer understood the nation had to be unified and that we had to believe in ourselves if we were to find our way out of bad times.

Louis B. Mayer was no situational patriot.

Stars coming out in support of their country and president are nothing new. What’s changed is how they do it. The contrast between Mickey and Judy’s rousing number, and this, which only roused the contents of my stomach, is more than just the obvious … like talent.

The success of this seventy year-old musical number is mainly due to its lack of ambition. It knows its place. No one’s trying to change the world on that giant sound-stage. The cast, crew and equipment have all been brought together for the singular purpose of helping Depression-weary audiences forget their troubles for 90 minutes. The agenda is to boost morale. The humble talking point is, “We’re all in this together and we’ll get through it because we are Americans.”

And there’s no “me” coming from Mickey and Judy, which is in stark contrast to the Kutcher video which is pure “me.”

The biggest difference between the two clips, however, can be found in intent. God help “children battling serious illnesses” and victims of “21st Century slavery” if their only hope is that Ashton and Company must move even a half-degree out of their cult of personality to do some real good. Look for checks made payable to “Publicity” and parties disguised as fundraisers. A stark contrast to what the likes of Mickey Rooney (and many stars from that era) were prepared to do.

In 1944, after one deferment to finish a picture and at the height of his fame, Mickey Rooney pulled no strings to get out of the draft and entered the U.S. Army. 21 months later he was honorably discharged.

His career never recovered.

[Fade in; cue pseudo-soulful electric piano dirge]

Courtney Cox and her husband, what’s-his-name: I pledge.

Demi Moore: I pledge.

Cameron Diaz: Me pledge too!!

Courtney Cox: To end hunger in America.

Mr. Courtney Cox: By ordering smaller endive portions from craft services.

Some guy with baseball cap that I guess I’m supposed to know: I pledge.

Stringy-haired Manson girl with creepy gray eyes: I pledge.

Demi Moore: Too-ooo-oo smile more.

Eva Longoria: To laugh more!

Can’t quite place her, but think I maybe saw her on a cosmetics commercial once: [intense glare] to LOVE more.

Black Eyed Peas guy: I pledge.

Evita Lopez or Chiquita Gonzalez or something like that: To help children battle with serious illnesses — by standing here on the far right side of the frame.

Beats the hell outta me: Or here, on the left side of the frame.

Cameron Diaz: Me plemdge.

Nicole Richie: To give up food all together.

Possibly that red-haired chick from Spiderman: To be a great mother.

Some d-bag from that emo band, “Fallout Charlotte” or something, that my daughter was into when she was 11: To be a great father.

Demi Moore: To hire only the best nannies… because all of our children deserve a good nanny.

Lucy Liu: To continue working to support raising awareness as a voice for UNICEF and their international nanny awareness programs.

That witch show chick that used to be on the Tony Danza sitcom: To volunteer my voice coach to give a voice to those who have no voice, so they can have a voice.

Vaguely familiar black chick: I pledge.

Hey wait a minute… is this the one who was the Spiderman chick? Now I’m confused: I pledge.

Michael Strahan: To consider myself an American — not a gap-toothed-American.

Ashton Kutcher: To ALWAYS represent my country with total pride and dignity and shit, broheim!!

Come on, I’m really supposed to know this guy? Really?: to go to RaisingServiceAwarenessForTheVoicelessChildren.com.

Okay, I’m going to take a wild stab and say it’s that chubby Korean guy from Mad TV: To find a service project that I’m just as passionate about as the mousse product for my faux-hawk.

Totally-wasted-on-heroin guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: I… uhhh…. ihhh… ahhhh… monkey funky like da junky…

Jason Bateman: I plehhhhdge… to fondle this microphone in a whimsically provocative manner.

Mr. Haney from Green Acres: To never give anyone the finger when I’m driving again. I will instead moon them, with my frightening elderly haunches.

‘Greg and Darma’ chick with scary feral baby: To save water, by never bathing my child.

Underwear model: I pledge.

I think it’s that Spunky Winkerbean chick, the one who had a boob reduction: I pledge.

Brain-fried Chili Peppers guy: To caaaare? For? America’s elderly?

Pockmarked guy in Urban Outfitters T-shirt: To make sure America’s senior citizens have access to free healthcare and iPods and ringtone downloads.

Spunky Winkerbean: So that our next generation’s USB memories will not be forgotten.

Eva Longoria: Now I’m pledging here on the other side of the frame!

Absolutely no clue who this is, whatsoever: To bring awareness to mental disease, like I am doing right now.

Weirdly bloated lips chick: To advance research into stem cells, collagen, and Botox.

Huh? Maybe I’m just getting too old but this is another guy who simply isn’t ringing a bell: To spread the awareness of autism — by becoming autistic.

Natalie Portman, I think, possibly after a weekend oxycontin bender: I pledge…

Michael Strahan: … to give more love to strangers. Lots and lots of strangers.

Maniac English guy in leather coat: To MEET my NEIGHBORS. Whether they LIKE it or NOT.

Mad TV Korean guy again: Find out their names.

Cameron Diaz: Me make smile for thems.

I’m gonna say… she was in one of those ‘High School Musicals’ or something?: I’m going to ask how I can be of service to them, by ridding their home of subversive materials.

That creepy-eyed redhead from Desperate Housewives: I pledge.

Oh fer crissakes, you’re telling me this guy is famous? Seriously?: I pledge.

Whoever came up with this ad sure had a hard-on for redheads: To be a better mentor to my younger sisters.

I think this guy was in an episode of one of those crime autopsy shows: to be a mentor for Big Brothers.

Another redhead? Okay, I’m pretty sure we have a psychopath director on our hands: I pledge.

Mrs. Tom Hanks: To reduce my use of plastic, and raise the awareness of mentors of the voiceless.

That vaguely familiar Hispanic chick from earlier: By starting with the lowering of plastic awareness.

Eva Longoria: To tell my gardening staff to plant 500 trees this year while Tony and I are at our house in Majorca.

Man, that Rene Zellweger has really let herself go: To not use plastic bags at the food store.

Kinda half-Asian looking guy, maybe from one of those doctor shows my mom watches: To consume less. Except movies and TV, obviously.

Cameron Diaz: So we am on this planet. Like, forever. Totally.

Jason Bateman, apparently after a snorting few lines in the trailer: For the environment I pledge to flush only after a ‘deuce,’ and only then after mentoring and raising awareness of my ‘deuce.’

Courtney Cox: I pledge.

Mr. Courtney Cox: You pledge! We pledge! Haha! Let’s giggle whimsically!

Po Diddley or Poof Puppy or whatever: I pledge to turn off the damn lights in both my Gulfstreams. I’ma turn the lights off the off, so you turna lights off, bitch.

Okay, now I’m officially creeped out, a turkey-neck grandma redhead: I pledge.

Another emo music d-bag in a jaunty thrift shop straw chapeau: I pledge to sell my obnoxious car and buy a hybrid. I also pledge to make sure the person who buys my old obnoxious car promises to never ever drive it.

George Lopez: To drive slower, lower, and only hit the hydraulic switches when absolutely necessary.

Rough-looking Rene Zellweger again: I pledge to volunteer my time…

Absolutely no idea guy again: …to emphasize the importance raising the awareness of finding mentors to promote voices to speak out for arts education mentoring in our schools.

Bald head black dude: To promote a culture of awareness of mentoring for the education of awareness of reduction of ignorance.

Kinda hot, I’m thinking Penthouse July ‘89: I pledge.

Okay, now I think I remember – this is that blonde chick from My Name is Chuck, except she seems pissed off about something: to help children understand that even though they come from a uterus, it doesn’t mean they can’t move on to bigger things. Like working to mentor awareness of the voices.

The raspy voice Hindu terrorist lady from 24: I plidge.

Stumped again. But she’s obviously had some work done: To work to make good the 200 year old promise to end slavery.

Ashton Kutcher: to ban slaveholders from ALL of my pool parties. Forever.

Demi Moore: To free one million people from slavery over the next five years, no matter how many strongly worded letters it will take my personal assistant to write.

High School Musical chick again: to fight?

Oh come on, this is a practical joke, right? It’s an episode of Punk’d, and Kutcher picked a bunch of random hipster people out of a Santa Monica coffee house to play a part in some sort of elaborate prank to see how many people he could fool into thinking they were actually celebrities: To become aware.

Cameron Diaz: To ebgucate.

Another prank “celebrity” (haha, nice try Kutcher): to not give up.

Baseball hat guy: to defend…

Needs to seriously work on her hair part: …the issues I care about.

Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, after shotgunning a couple more bowls of crack since his last pledge: Ihhh pllplegdge to beema sermice to Obrack Bobomba [French kisses own armpits].

First redhead: I pledge.

Black Eyed Peas guy: To change the way I live. No, wait a minute. Not me, you.

The Batman guy who was a good guy but became half-melted-face villain at the end to set up another sequel: To be a better person, no matter how impossibly ambitious that goal might be.

Creepy-eyed Squeaky Fromm lookalike again: To never stop learning and growing, even if I become a 60 foot tall brain scientist. Every day.

Nicole Richie: Every day. Except the growing big part.

Sheryl Crowe’s stunt double: I pledge to commit to my own change before I ask others to change. Unless these self-changings I am pledging to commit include making other people change first. In that case I will obviously have to make these other people change also, as part of a package-type change deal.

Gesticulating baseball hat guy: To be the change.

Demi Moore: To be the change.

Marisa Tomei: To integrate into my heart what I already know in my head — Which is that, we are all inside my cardiovascular nervous system together.

Piff Pappy: Imagine what could happen next. Imagine or DIE.

Batman melted face guy: What’s your pledge?

Collagen lips: What’s your pledge?

Ashton Kutcher: Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagotta…

I bet this guy himself doesn’t knows who he is: Gotta pledge?

Another redhead who is likely filing a restraining order against the director as we speak: What’s your pledge?

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: I PLEDGE…

Demi Moore: …to be a servant to our president…

Ashton Kutcher: …and provide him with whatever portion of my precious bodily fluids he may need to save all mankind…

[Pan back to an infinite Brady Bunch / Hollywood Squares splitscreen]

All celebrities chant together:

TOGETHER WE CAN
TOGETHER WE CAN OBEY
DIVIDED WE ARE INSIGNIFICANT
BUT TOGETHER WE CAN BE A MOLECULE
ON OUR PRESIDENT’S CHEEKBONE
FADING AND MELTING AND SHRINKING
INTO THE ONE UNIVERSAL GLORY OF HIM
OBEY
OBEY
OBEY

[Fadeout; cue FBI piracy warning]

Witness Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s cavalcade of shiny, happy situational patriots appearing in a derivative public servitude announcement: A “Presidential Pledge” to President Barack Obama.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Forgive and forget? Right.

President Bush was not holding back Moore from “free[ing] one million people from slavery in the next five years.” Nor was he holding back the Obama-biquitous Will.I.Am from “chang[ing] how [he] live[s].” Ditto: Aaron Ekhart (“To be a better person,”) Marisa Tomei (“To integrate into my heart what I already know in my head which is that we are all in this together,”) Kutcher (“To the abolition to 21st century slavery,”) Anthony Kiedis (“To be of service to Barack Obama,”) P. Diddy (” pledge to turn the lights off, cause I used to leave the lights on but we want to conserve energy so I’ma turn the lights off, you turn the lights off,) and all-in-unison (“Because together we can, together we are, and together we will be the change that we seek.”)

Missing are pledges not to kiss the ring of Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and other pledged enemies of America. Nor are there pledges not to make movies that glorify these tyrants. Nor are there pledges to take seriously that we are at war, will continue to be at war under President Obama and that our precious and under-appreciated military is fighting an avowed and evil enemy — so that, among other things, Hollywood can continue to make decadent crap that actually motivates our enemy to fight us harder!

Unfortunately, what happens in Hollywood does not stay in Hollywood.

For more mind-numbing background read Kutcher’s companion piece at the… you got it… the Huffington Post .

The conservatives, Republicans and sundry non-lefties I know in show business have had nothing to say but positive and helpful things about the coming Obama presidency.

“We wish him well.” “He is our president now and he needs our help.”

These are the types of things I keep hearing.

And this is exactly the right attitude and exactly the right message.

God bless, President Obama. Even though I didn’t vote for him, and disagree with much of his agenda, he has my best wishes and all of my best efforts.

But that doesn’t mean I will forgive and forget an era of narcissism, petty complaining and conspiracy theory peddling from the majority celebrity class that began well before Iraq. [See "Hollywood, Interrupted " -- my book co-written with Mark Ebner -- which was written before and during the build-up to the Iraq war and before the WMDs weren't found. The public behavior from Hollywood even then was almost uniformly deplorable.]

Conspiracy theories of America’s complicity in 9/11 dominated cocktail party discussions for eight tedious years. They couldn’t simply disagree with Bush. They had to ascribe evil to his motivations and make sure the whole world agreed on that flawed premise.

Yet, hating the president doesn’t mean one can’t still help out the country in a great time of need. But many went to foreign countries and demeaned it instead. Called those that disagreed with them rubes and hicks. The elitism of the celebrities against flyover country America could not have been more pronounced. They made a boat-load of movies that affirmed this narrow and patronizing world view.

And now they want us back.

We’re all Americans — NOW.

It’s a convenient lie the celebrity left peddles that they were with us during the initial Afghanistan phase of the war, and even after 9/11.

No syrupy revisionism will change this fact.

[As I was writing this piece, I received the following unsolicited email from a Big Hollywood reader: "Reminder to liberal celebrities: It's time to set your Fluctuating Patriotism Clock from "Hate America" to "Love America" on Jan. 20th. Remember, it's "Springsteen Ahead - Falwell Behind." Funny.]

Featured in Moore’s goofy, derivative and pretty-in-a-grotesque-way video is none other than Cameron Diaz who had this to say before the 2004 election:

We have a voice now, and we’re not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies…if you think that rape should be legal , then don’t vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote…

Such mental insanity posing as erudition usually earns ostracism. But Diaz and her self-serious cohorts have no moral compass, no sense of proportion, no decency and, certainly, no shame.

This video illustrates that the current celebrity class are not citizens but serfs. They need a leader to put their minds in the right place to do the right thing. They are not heroic individualists seeking to extend America’s promise but conformists who chose to sit out and complain during the tough years in order to ensure their guy got in the next go-around.

The celebrity decadence during the “oppressive” Bush years was world class. The clubs raged. The boutique hotels rocked. The private jet industry at Van Nuys airport flourished. The party never stopped. And only a precious few (Thank you, dearly!!!) stepped up to support the American troops who have been valiantly fighting for Hollywood’s right to do lines off of each others’ buttocks at $10 million Hollywood Hills mansions.

They never spoke up against the movies that demonized our military.

They never made movies to counter the libel.

They took the easy route. And blamed Bush for everything.

Moore’s nauseating video — which, like Steven Soderbergh’s “Oceans” franchise, grants a pristine look into the modern celebrity’s sense of self-importance — is not a sign of desire to serve the country under Obama. Watch, by March this pledge like New Year’s resolutions will fall by the wayside. It is a sign that the Democrat is in the White House now. It is a sign that they get to sleep again in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Twenty years ago AIDS was the number one cause for the Hollywood left. Remember the trendy red ribbons at all the self-aggrandizing awards shows? Hollywood has moved on (dot org) to better blame-your-fellow-American causes. But President Bush didn’t. And aside from Bob Geldof and Bono , they ignore this president’s demonstrable goodness .

Amazing that Geldof and Bono could valiantly fight their battles and serve humanity without being paralyzed by the Leader of the Free World 2000-2008’s all-encompassing awfulness.

Remember this video: It is a instructive relic of the era of celebrity decadence and boutique anti-Republican activism under President Bush. It is a sickening display that they want fast and easy absolution for having comported themselves like ill-behaved children for eight difficult and war-torn years.

Good luck, President Obama. The rest of you can go to hell.