Jammie Wearing Fool has the transcript and some commentary regarding Hollywood’s very own Pat Robertson…

“When we see what we did at the climate summit in Copenhagen, this is the response, this is what happens, you know what I’m sayin’?”

More here.

As President Obama says, let’s be clear: that comical Copenhagen conference wasn’t about science, it was about wealth transfer. The gist: because of America’s “hyper-industrialization,” we need to pay off poor countries for all the harm we’ve caused in the world. That’s the real green in the green movement: It’s cash, not grass.

What’s this have to do with Christmas? Well, I think the world has forgotten that the biggest gift to this planet is America’s industry – and it’s time to remind them where they would be without it.

1. Whenever a horrible disaster hits, they would be dead. Be it an earthquake, a tsunami or a Madonna tour – we’re usually the first and biggest responders – saving the injured, and helping to rebuild. It is because of our tremendous capability to mobilize quickly that makes us a nation of superheroes. It also takes planes, trucks and tractors to do that stuff. Imagine that carbon footprint.

2. If they ever get sick, they would be dead. It’s true. While critical cretins like Chavez and Mugabe actually harm their own people, we save millions of strangers’ lives. Even that bozo called Bono admits it was George Bush who helped prevent the death of millions of Africans from AIDS. Yeah – I know what our critics will say: it’s easy for America to do this stuff. Well, it’s even easier not to do it.

3. If their family is hungry, they would be dead. Let’s not forget Norman Borlaug, who invented disease resistant wheat, saving hundreds of millions of lives in India and Pakistan. You can only do that if you’re of an industrial mind – thinking about people, not polar bears.

4. If they’re under the thumb of fascism, they would be dead. We possess the greatest military technology in the world, and we’ve used it to end horrible wars. Our industry of annihilation gave new life to many countries.

In sum, the very people complaining about America would not be alive, if it weren’t for America. Which is why, I say to them: Merry Christmas.

It sure beats a pair of socks.

Tonight we have the lovely Remi Spencer, the delightful Mike Baker, the witty Steven Crowder, and the always awesome Dr. Michael Baden.

Like a make believe Santa, the Democrats came in at 1 a.m., sliding down the chimney with a bag full of crap. Like a phony Santa, the health care bill cannot arrive in broad daylight – or you’ll expose the illusion. The same thing can be said for that “non-binding legal agreement” Obama took with him from Copenhagen. He should have just brought us clogs.

And you know, both examples are a lot like the type of gifts you get from selfish relatives who really wanted the gifts themselves.

A. The health care bill is like a puppy. The purchaser buys it for himself, really as an ego boost to see how excited the kids gets. Then of course, the gift-giver is nowhere in sight when it’s time to paper train and feed the money-sucking furball. That’s health care – except health care reform will crap all over more than just the carpet.

B. The climate change agreement is a less destructive but utterly hopeless kind of present – it’s a gift card for a store you want nothing from. Think Sharper Image, except everything needs to be wound up before it falls apart. Just because Uncle Gore owns stock in it, he thinks you should be grateful. Believe me, that gift card is going nowhere except the drawer where you keep the stray UNO cards.

The upside with Christmas?

You can return everything.

If we could only do the same with this crud.

And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a homophobic, planet-hating racist.

Tonight:
Greg Proops!
Pat Monihan, from Train!
S.E. Cupp!
Ron Geraci!
and a special guest: a Red Eye non-fan will be on the show to critique. it will be a gas and a half.

by Carbie the Climate Clown

Emmett K. Bozo Distinguished Professor of Climate Pantomimology, University of East Anglia
EU Regional President, Union of Concerned Climate Scientists and Street Performers

The scientific evidence is everywhere we look — in our vanishing polar ice caps, in our melting greasepaint, in the way our lapel flowers struggle to squirt. Man-made climate change is upon us, and if we do not act at once Earth itself faces an immediate catastrophic ecological pie in the face.

As provost of the University of East Anglia’s cutting edge Centre for Climate Pantomimology, I work closely with multidisciplinary climate scientists, both within the University and in the clown science community at large. There can be no disputing the peer reviewed models that show the Earth’s temperature curving ever upwards, like the expanding tail of a tube balloon, propelled by mankind’s relentless exhalation of carbon dioxide. If we are to avoid the coming explosion, we must tie off the end of the balloon as soon as possible. Then we must carefully shepherd and shape the balloon as nature intended, perhaps as one of nature’s majestic balloon poodles.

Among climate clowns, scientific consensus

To underscore the seriousness of this global threat, the UCCSSP convened an emergency academic symposium in Copenhagen this week to present our latest peer reviewed findings in support of the COP15 climate accords. Dr. Jingles Hansen of the US Goddard Institute for Space Science gave the plenary address, further documenting climate change by pulling a shocking unbroken string of temperature station windsocks from his sleeve. He was followed by Professor Pif-Pif of the Brussels Institute of Geophysical Mime Modeling, who demonstrated how rising temperatures will leave man in an invisible box, struggling in vain against growing surface convection winds.
In light of these findings, the UCCSSP delegates passed a multipoint draft resolution calling for immediate action on clown-driven climate justice and sustainability. Protocols include:

• By 2011, a mandatory 50% increase in minimum clown carpooling passenger loads.
• Immediate reductions in wasteful shoe sizes.
• Immediate replacement of carbonated seltzer water in all spritz bottles with recycled urine.
• By 2013, an 80% increase in target levels for clown child abductions and murder.
• A 300% increase in UN clown research funding, including first class upgrades on all junkets to international clown meetings.
• Violent lunatic street rioting.

These conclusions were not only endorsed by the scientific and clown communities, but by a broad cross-section of experts across scholarly disciplines. Among these included the Association of People Dressed Up Like Polar Bears, The Organization of Hysterically Weeping Science Journalists, the EU Centre for Scientific Self-Immolation, Monarchs and Despots United for Scientific Gaia Worship, Ed Begley Jr., and the prestigious International Society of Scientists With Intense Daddy Issues. All of whom, I might add, have a minimum of 15 years in graduate school.

Science and self-immolators agree: it’s getting hot

Despite such an overwhelming scientific consensus, enacting climate change regulations has proven difficult. On one side you will find the rational voices of the peer reviewed experts: scientists, scholars, clowns, lachrymose journalists, beloved dictators, former sitcom stars, rioting Marxists in polar bear costumes who start themselves on fire. On the other side are the anti-science denialists, funded by a secret cabal of economic interests.

Unfortunately, some members of the public have been duped by so-called “skepticlowns” like Shotgun and Spanky. They have cynically sought to shut down clown science by demanding that I reveal to them my raw climate data, when they damn well know doing so would violate the Sacred Science Law of the Clowns. Do not be deceived. Shotgun and Spanky have never worked in either a tenure track university or circus, and therefore do not have proper clown credentials. They are merely rodeo clowns, mercenaries for beef industry plutocrats like Ronald McDonald who are desperate to avoid restrictions on their precious methane.

I am confident, however, that this misconception will be corrected once the public has the real facts. I am now collaborating with Nobel Prize medalist Al Gore on a new 50 city three-ring awareness tour to assure the public that the miming is settled. Get your tickets online before December 31st and you’re automatically registered for a free carbon credit gift pack from Goreco!

And if that still

But I ask: who’s dumber: the “Jersey Shore” cast, or those who call the “Jersey Shore” cast dumb?

The answer is the latter, which I think means “paddlefish.”

First off, when did these kids ever pass themselves off as smart? Did they ever say they were members of Mensa? Of course not: the only pompous jerks who tell you they’re in Mensa – are in Mensa.

Also, it’s not like these kids ever showed up in front of the cameras, clutching their diplomas from Cornell’s agricultural college – like some MSNBC hosts are known to do. No, they’re only proud of their abs. So what. None of that stuff affects you. The fact that they’re honest about their shallowness already puts them on an intellectual level higher than Sean Penn and Gynneth Paltrow, combined.

Look, I watch the show, and I admit the dudes are knuckleheads, and the women are mindless lushes. The random violence is gross. It’s disgusting.

But we know it’s disgusting.

In my mind, far more dangerous is the crap that’s just as disgusting but passes itself off as enlightening. I’m not just referring to The View or the Huffington Post – but also the climate change conference and any CNN special on race. Why obsess over some punks slathered in hair gel and fake tan when you’ve got Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid with their hands on the wheel?

In sum, lay off the dumb. There’s more idiocy in the “Situation Room” than there is in The Situation’s abs. Yeah, Leno sure made the Jersey folk look silly on his show, but did you see Wolf Blitzer tank on Jeopardy?

He did that all by himself.

And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a racist homophobe.

Tonight: What a line-up!
Congressman McCotter!
actress and over all hot pocket Barret Swatek!
comedian and delight Michelle Collins!
comedian/write Allen Covert
Chris Cotter!
also, Robot Greg answers the mail!

And so we have Hugo Chavez, the pockmarked prince of all things petulant – paying a visit to the Climate Change conference to rousing, delirious applause. Check out the human sausage below.

In sum, Chavez is all about ending “imperial dictatorships,” and that “capitalism is the road to hell.” He says, “Let’s fight against capitalism and make it obey us.”

He also said he liked to have sex with goats while Sean Penn watched, but I may have gotten that translation wrong.

Anyway, according to the Herald Sun, all of this was greeted with a standing ovation. And Hugo deserves it – for he’s exposing this crap fest for what it is: a massive transfer of wealth from the west to scumbags like him.

But Chavez wasn’t the only one to lecture America on how evil we are. There was Zimbabwe President, Robert Mugabe, who noted that as “these capitalist gods of carbon…belch their dangerous emissions,” it’s “the lesser mortals of the developing sphere” who die. Yeah, we’re the murderers. Not Mugabe – who delighted in the torture, starvation and killing of his own people, for years.

This would all be hilarious if these creeps didn’t have our own leaders on their side. Witness secretary of State Hillary Clinton announcing that our country is ready to create an annual $100 billion climate protection fund to help “address the climate change needs of developing countries.”

Where will this money come from?

Well, Hillary wouldn’t say – but she didn’t have to. There’s only one place it can come from – you. And that’s why the Chavez’s and the Mugabe’s of the world love climate change hysteria so much. To the world’s thugs, thieves and murderers, the US becomes that fat tourist in his favorite vacation hat, jingling his change on a street corner.

Easy pickings.

Tonight, another packed show:
Dinesh D’Souza!
Anna David!
comedian Stephen Kruiser!
X’s legendary guitarist Billy Zoom!
and the best damn writer at the New York Post: Kyle Smith, with his best and worst picks for flicks!

Thank God Prince Charles has arrived, however, to tell us how the rest of us are harming the planet. Note: he arrived in a private jet that uses up to seven months’ worth of the typical British person’s “carbon footprint.” I know, I know – we can’t expect him to take the train. But the very least, we can expect him to stay home and shut the hell up. After all, he has two ears to feed.

Meanwhile, Danish police fired pepper spray at protesters – those self-righteous goons who clamor for immediate action – knowing that, as activists, they won’t have to pay for it. The rest of us, of course, will. That’s the rule of environmentalism - do as I shout, not as I do. Whether you’re Prince Charles or an unwashed activist – consequences mean little as long as your intentions are in the right place.

But that should be no surprise to anyone who has been following this movement. I’ve spent a decade watching the cult of climate change grow, and realized the belief springs from a bitter view of humanity. Communism was a movement meant to suppress individual ingenuity and industry. When it fell, those followers – and those drawn to that ideological allure – had to go somewhere. The Communist Manifesto became An Inconvenient Truth.

So now the president of the conference has resigned, and the US delegation is objecting to text that might hold them to rules our country should reject. As the conference crumbles, and the protesters demand “climate justice”- we can finally say: “There it is, chuckleheads.”

And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a racist!

Tonight another stellar lineup, and another stellar show!
Publishing legend Felix Dennis!
CIA guy Mike Baker!
Gorgeous actress Reshma Shetty!
comedian Jesse Joyce!
Bill Schulz (sadly)

What are the global warming grunts going to do now that the Apostles of the Holy Church of Climatology have been busted for cooking the “truth” (I believe the exact word they used was “tricking” us) so that we the sheeple would step-n-fetch to their Chicken Little crap?

What will chunky Al Gore do seeing that he has officially slammed into a veritable inconvenient truth? I hear that Gore hasn’t been this gauche since he was busted in 2001 by Warren Christopher while lip-synching to “Dancin’ With Myself” in the Lincoln Bedroom wearing only Tipper’s pantyhose, Madonna’s snow cone bra, and Janet Reno’s glasses.

So it’s come to this. If, and I say if only because it isn’t, global warming is a man-made desecration of the planet, the head table of that desecration has been set up this week in Copenhagen under the aegis of stopping the man-made desecration of the planet.

Crazy, huh? But there is a darker vibe about the craziness this time around. I used to feel it was funny crazy, UFO-Loch Ness crazy. Now though, it’s becoming disturbing crazy.

In the wake of the publishing of the East Anglia e-mails, I’m beginning to see a Roy Cohn-at-Tailgunner-Joe’s-side quality in some of the more zealous climatological gurus’ incessant bleats.

(By the way, how much CO2 does a whiny bleat put out into the atmosphere?)

Some of them are no doubt vaguely cognizant of the fact that they might have way overbet this hand and that there’s now something much more important in play than the plight of the planet. And that of course would be their reputations and standing in the herd of man.

Read the full piece here.