The Green Police gave her grief about this.

Enter Jennifer Aniston, the former Friends star who has successfully transitioned from TV to motion picture fame and cares deeply about conservation. In her contribution to a 2007 book about “saving the planet one simple step at a time,” Aniston reveals she takes three-minute showers and brushes her teeth in the shower. “Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day!” she explains.

Well, it’s good to know that Aniston has been consuming less water than the rest of us climate change deniers… in a $42 million Beverly Hills mansion. No cognitive dissonance there! Except, apparently, Aniston has recently decided that the lavish crib is “too much” for her, and she will be downgrading to a “wooden box” a la Mad Men’s Vincent Katheiser trailer a la director Tom Shadyac $4.95 million Manhattan luxury apartment. Now, I’m no expert on New York’s housing market, but that doesn’t quite sound like the kind of humble life that, say, we middle-cass flyover troglodytes already live, right?

The story’s been getting legs in the press (coincidentally, around the same time as her own legs showed up in a trailer for her next film) because she bought the place using a trust fund that was set up in her dog’s name. Eh, let people have their inside jokes, I say; this is a more illuminating detail: “As well as the penthouse, she snapped up two other small units in the building.” So, not only is she buying more expensive housing than a person in Africa can afford over an entire lifetime with the apartment itself, but she needs even more space–all for her and little Norman, the corgi-terrier mix.

It’s been almost half a decade since An Inconvenient Truth came out. I’m no scientist, but the fact that I can count the number of true climate change alarmists who have actually scaled down their standard of living (even though they still work in one of the most unnecessary wasteful industries in the country) on one hand is all I need to know about that documentary’s warnings. Note to Jenn: since neither you nor your peers are exemplifying a real solution for global climate catastrophe, does it really make sense to move to a city that will become the Ground Zero of rising ocean levels?

(Not the people who really work hard here like the drivers, grips, electricians, greensman, editors, carpenters, etc. – just us so very important ‘Stars’)

- on what YOU the World – can do to save our planet: (Listen up you nasty smelly little flyover stalker freaks.)

1.  Conserve Water!

(Don’t you dare water your 40′ x 100′ lawn. Let it go brown. We’ll keep swimming in our 3 pools, The infinity one in Malibu, and the two at the compound in Palm Springs.)

2. Airplanes are the grossest polluters. Fight Climate Change, take the bus, or ride your bike!

(All you little people, not us right now – we’re too busy with our awesome important star stuff, and we have a very important film festival to attend in a foreign country that mostly hates the U.S. and we just don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to knock America and Americans. P.S. the film is about Climate change, so it is very important we get there fast with our very snobby entourage.)

It’s high time we fix the earth for our children and our children’s children.

(Or my carpet-pooping maid-humping misbehaving half-assed show dog that is really like uh… my kid.)

We all need to change the way we live and CONSERVE NOW!

(You conserve, so WE can have our large mansion, with armed bodyguards, payed for by the most wasteful business on the planet that includes a private trailer on the back lot, with a carbon monoxide chugging gas-guzzle powered generator, long tables of uneaten food, climate controlled tents for lounging with our hanger-on loser friends in between shots that are cooled by A/C that’s powered by 4 honkin’ assed semis with cranking megawatt oop-dee-boop generators, then private Jetting to our mansion in East Hampton that sits empty three fourths of the year although being heated and cooled constantly, and of course our Jet-off lunch trysts in San Fran, Aspen, and sometimes just for kicks oh so FUNKY-FUNKY Mexico City, then jetting back to Van Nuys, jumping in the gas slugging super stretch and speeding – (not signaling at all)  and cutting everyone off on the 101 so as to get back to Universal in time for our masseuses who we won’t tip at all.)

THE TIME IS NOW TO REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT!

(You go first, as I am not a loser like you and can be excused from conserving, because the purpose of my life is to help all of you turds learn to respect the elite and powerfuls’ message of political peace and green global harmony.)

THIS IS EVERYONE’S PROBLEM,  NO MATTER WHAT POLITICAL AFFILIATION, RACE CREED, GENDER, OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

(As long as you are not Conservative  or Libertarian and be so insane as to oppose our idea of what we know constitutes an intelligent person. You’d better fit exactly into the box we want to put you in, ie: no gay conservatives, African American conservatives, artist conservatives, musician conservatives etc. because those fakers are shamefully wrongheaded, and just so very freakin’ unfashionable. …. Wait a sec, what the hell is a Libertarian anyway? )