From Team Coco:

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Which begs the question: if they’re telecommuting anyway, how long until U.S. soldiers get outsourced to save more money?

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President Obama’s joint-session, prime time, pass-it-now jobs speech was so feckless that even Jon Stewart’s ridiculing it.

The American people aren’t all that impressed, either.

Obama becoming a late-night punchline and subject of ridicule might be the most glaring example of how much trouble he’s really in. The easier the jokes are to write and deliver, the more of “a joke” the subject becomes. Watch the first clip of Conan O’Brien. All he has to say is “jobs plan” to get a laugh.

The very idea that President Obama can create jobs has become a joke — which is as it should be.

Tina Korbe at Hot Air has more.

Milius, who rewrote an earlier draft of the script by Oliver Stone, is a filmmaker who loves big, manly stories, and Conan the Barbarian is his best film.  Arnold’s portrayal of Conan isn’t really the sleek, panther-like killer of Robert E. Howard’s brilliant short stories, however he perfectly embodies the imaged realized by the legendary illustrator Frank Frazetta.  Milius’s direction gives the film a visual weight rarely achieved in fantasy cinema.  Arnold only speaks when he needs to (“Conan! What is best in life?!”), and it makes his presence all the more intense, driven, and mysterious.

 James Earl Jones plays Thulsa Doom, the evil sorcerer whom Conan has sworn to kill for murdering his family, and Jones brings the same sinister presence he brought when he performed the voice of Darth Vader (fun fact: Thulsa Doom never appeared in Howard’s Conan stories, but was actually a villain in Howard’s short stories about his Conan prototype, Kull the Conqueror).  Add a supporting cast featuring names like the gorgeous Sandahl Bergman, the legendary Max Von Sydow, and the great Mako (who also narrates), and you have a perfect film when it comes to providing instant gravitas in its characters.  If you listen to the commentary track, Milius talks about the trilogy of Conan films he had planned out, it’s a shame all of his ideas were never realized in future films.

The film’s sequel, Conan the Destroyer, is also coming to Blu-ray this week.  For some reason it’s packaged separately, unlike in the past, where it’s been included with Conan the Barbarian on the same disc.  I’m not really complaining, as Conan the Destroyer is a movie I can happily live without.  John Milius was replaced by Richard Fleischer on this sequel, the result being a film that lacks the powerful visual storytelling of the original.  Instead we get broad comic hijinks and a team of unwanted sidekicks to tag along with Conan on his new adventure.  Granted, in Conan the Barbarian, our hero did have people accompanying him on his quest, however they never felt like excess baggage or cheap comic relief like they do here.  Milius, as a director, did what all brilliant filmmakers do: show, not tell.  Mako’s narration filled in the blanks when needed, but Conan only spoke when he couldn’t express himself through action.  In Conan the Destroyer, Arnold has a ton of dialogue (much of it tragically comedic), and as a result, his character is not the Conan we knew from the original. Where Conan the Barbarian was an exercise in epic storytelling, Conan the Destroyer is an exercise in camp silliness.

I plan to pick up Conan the Barbarian on Blu-ray, but if you own it on DVD, I’d hang onto that version too, as opposed to selling it.  I say this because the cut included on the Blu-ray is the theatrical cut of the film, not the international cut, which was a few minutes longer than the original and was the version that was put on the DVD.  The extras included on the DVD are available, including the excellent commentary with John Milius and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as well as a few brand new goodies.  As far as Conan the Destroyer goes, you still get a mere theatrical trailer and that’s it, which makes me wonder why they’re not just packaging it in with the original (apart from, you know, wanting to wring more money from potential consumers).  Given the Blu-ray sports a different cut of Conan the Barbarian, I’ll be hanging onto my two-pack with Conan the Destroyer, so I see no need to grab the sequel, but I’ll be first in line to get the original on Blu-ray, seeing it HD will no doubt be a treat for the devout.

Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer are both available on Blu-ray

Better Off Dead is the definitive aburdist eighties teen comedy.  John Cusack stars as Lane Myer, a guy with a brand of teen angst that is as relatable as it is idiotic.  His problems are minor, yet they are amplified to epic proportions, the way teenagers are wont to do.  Lane’s parents are ridiculously odd, his girlfriend leaves him for a douchebag alpha male, his minimum wage burger-flipping job is painfully boring, and his best friend confuses snow for cocaine, in what is a manifestation of suburban boredom.  This laundry list of otherwise minor ills makes him consider suicide, before he decides to become a local skiing champion in a bid to win his ex-girlfirend back.  However, an unexpected encounter with a similarly disaffected foreign exchange student may shake things up for him.

Director Savage Steve Holland’s gem is imbued with the pop-culture of the decade, the highlight being a musical number in which claymated burgers sing Van Halen’s “Everybody Wants Some”, a scene that feels like The California Raisins stepped onto the set of a Universal monster movie.  Other brilliant bits including drag races with a pair of Japanese brothers who learned to speak English on a megaphone from listening to Howard Cosell from “The Wide World of Sports”, as well as a crazed paperboy wielding a switchblade comb who demands his two dollar tip (cash).  Better Off Dead is one of the best teen comedies of the eighties that wasn’t directed by John Hughes, it has a rare anything-goes vibe that makes the already-broad comedies of the eighties look positively reigned-in by comparison.

Better Off Dead comes to Blu-ray this week, though I can’t see it being something that is an essential upgrade if you already own the DVD, that is unless seeing Lane’s genius little brother fire laser beams at him in HD is that important to you, in which case, I don’t blame you.  By way of extras, you get a trailer, and nothing else, so unless you’re dying for that HD transfer, there ain’t much else.  It offers the goods as far as picture and audio are concerned, but don’t expect any commentaries or documentaries to supplement the movie.

Available on Blu-ray

Other Noteworthy Releases

Rio: Jesse “Don’t call me Mark” Eisenberg voices a rare blue macaw that gets involved in some CGI-animated hijinks in Rio de Janeiro with another macaw voiced by Anne Hathaway.

Available on Blu-ray/DVD combo and DVD

Soul Surfer: The sleeper film about surfer girl who overcomes a potentially debilitating shark attack comes to Blu-ray and DVD this week.  Check out the reviews by Big Hollywood’s Carl Kozlowski and John Hanlon.

Available on Blu-ray and DVD

MST3K Vs. Gamera: An anthology of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 where the crew of the Satellite of Love riff on Toho’s magnificently absurd Gamera films.  Shout! Factory is doing an incredible job with these MST3K sets, I plan to pick this one up, if you’re a fan of this show, or Japanese people in rubber suits wrecking shit, you should too.

Available on DVD

The Magnificent Seven: John Sturgess’ western take on Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai comes to Blu-ray this week, featuring one of the manliest casts ever assembled.  With the likes of Yul Brenner, Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, and Eli Wallach, it’s a testosterone injection in HD.

Available on Blu-ray

Exporting Raymond: The creator of Everybody Loves Raymond, Philip Rosenthal, made this documentary about the culture shock he experienced when he began work adapting his popular sitcom for a Russian audience.  My buddy Jim over at The Film Thugs Movie Show named this one his favorite film of 2010, so it comes highly recommended.  Check this one out, especially if you’re one of the many who love Raymond.

Available on Blu-ray and DVD

Sleepers: Barry Levinson’s scary coming-of-age story/legal drama comes to Blu-ray.  Kevin Bacon’s never been this scary in a film before or since.

Available on Blu-ray

The Name of The Rose: Jean-Jacques Annaud’s Benedictine murder mystery starring Sean Connery comes to Blu-ray.  Given that this is a whodunit set at a monastary in the 14th century, I can only suggest the fact that no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition.

Available on Blu-Ray

Eastbound & Down – Season 2: I know he’s spread a bit too thin, but I love Danny McBride, and his character, Kenny Powers, is a perfect representation of everything people despise about famous athletes.

Available on Blu-ray and DVD

This article originally appeared over at Parcbench

–’ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK’ REMAKE DEAD … FOR NOW–

A draft I read of this intended remake was extremely well written but also an environmental allegory and warning. If memory serves, Manhattan had become a prison due to the flooding caused by *prepare for eyeroll*  man-made Global Warming. After director John Carpenter’s own disastrous return to his 1981 classic with “Escape From L.A.,” it wasn’t as though we really needed another reason to wish doom upon a remake.

Man, I remember sitting through the dreadful “Escape from L.A.,” which I had dragged my dad to, all excited in the knowledge that Pam Grier was going to show up onscreen. Just the vision of her beautiful-ness would lift these awful two hours into something worthwhile … only to discover Carpenter cast her as a man, or something.

Regardless, you can’t replace Kurt Russell.

You can’t.

No one working today comes close to his mixture of menace, masculinity, unspoken intelligence and charm. He’s a one-of-a-kind who created an iconic role for the ages and you might as well have someone else try to play Cool Hand Luke or Bullitt.

–”BREAKING BAD’S” FIFTH SEASON WILL BE THE LAST SEASON–

The only thing worse than having a show you love go off the air is having a show you love hang on for too long. There are always exceptions, but if you think about it, five or six seasons is about it for any classic show. After that, you can sense the writers running out of ideas and as a viewer the formula starts to become more and more apparent as the same old plot beats unfurl.

If I could ask creator Vince Gilligan one question, though, it would be if he knows and has always known how the show will end (I don’t want to know), but I do want to know if he knows and has always known where he will ultimately leave his characters.

For a series creator, I would think that knowing how things will wrap up is vital to creating an open-to-close enduring classic. As we’ve seen with shows like “The X-Files,” if you hang on too long and don’t have a clear point on the storytelling map you’re writing towards, the finale fails to satisfy those of us who hung on for all those years waiting for the answers. Though I personally didn’t, many “Lost” fans felt that way, as well.

Regardless, I cannot sing the praises of this show enough. Movies might suck, but Hollywood is shining on television right now and “Breaking Bad” is not only the crown jewel of them all, but one of the greatest pieces of television in the history of the medium.

–SON OF  “NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION” IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING–

Who knew there were Hollywood ideas out there exponentially dumber than remaking that which cannot be remade:

For one thing, the film (called “Vacation,” sans National Lampoon) centers on the grown-up character of Rusty Griswold, Anthony Michael Hall’s sandy-haired boy from the 1983 original who was in the backseat while parents Clark (Chevy Chase) and Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) piloted the Wagon Queen Family Truckster.

Awful, awful, awful idea.

You can’t even replace Christie Brinkley, much less Chase, D’Angelo, and John Candy.

Furthermore, something that made the original so memorable is a politically incorrect, R-rated edge Hollywood’s terrified to go near today. There was a danger to Clark Griswold only a talent like Chevy Chase could bring to the role, it’s what lifted the story ahead of others in that same genre.

Everyone needs to go back and revisit Chevy Chase’s work from “Foul Play” through “Christmas Vacation” and recognize his genius.

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TODAY’S QUICK HITS

KLAVAN ON OLIVIA WILDE’S AUNT SARAH

VIC HOLTREMAN, OWNER/EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF SCREEN RANT AND A BH CONTRIBUTOR WILL BE ON A COMIC-CON MASTERS OF THE WEB PANEL THIS AFTERNOON AT 4PM IN ROOM 5AB. DON’T MISS IT!

COMIC-CON PREVIEW

TOP TEN LIST OF WORST EXCUSES MADE FOR ‘BAD’ MOVIES

FOOTAGE FROM THE NEW ‘CONAN’ FILM NO ONE ASKED FOR

AGREED: FIVE SHOWS NETFLIX NEEDS TO STREAM ALREADY

‘BUCK’ IS A BIG HIT (PLACE ASTERISK HERE)

TRYING TO CARE. FAILING.

YOU CAN’T SAY THE “LONE RANGER” CAST ISN’T INTERESTING

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CLASSIC PICK FOR FRIDAY JULY 22, 2011

TCM:

10:30 AM  EST: Born To Dance (1936) — A sailor on leave helps a young dancer make it to the top on Broadway. Dir: Roy Del Ruth Cast:  Eleanor Powell , James Stewart , Virginia Bruce. BW-106 mins.

The gorgeous and uniquely gifted Eleanor Powell quit Hollywood at the age of 31 to concentrate on being a mother to her son with actor Glenn Ford, and what a shame that is — at least for us musical fans. Powell made a few memorable films, today’s pick being one of them, but too often she was (far and away) the best thing in marginal movies that would be completely forgotten if not for her presence.

It would’ve been something to see her hang on for a few more years as MGM retooled to make some of the grandest, most spectacle musicals the world will ever see. Not that there was a single thing wrong with the  actresses who originated the roles, but seeing Powell in a “On the Town,” “Anchors Aweigh,” “Easter Parade,” and the like would’ve been a real treat.

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Please send tips/suggestions/requests to jnolte@breitbart.com

Obviously, this hatred of the Right and America is a long-term issue, but the torch continues to be passed.  Alec Baldwin, one of the Left’s darlings and possible seeker of public office, may want to hire a good strategist to develop a PR image plan to diffuse this one again, ’cause apologies and saying it was a “joke” is soooo yesterday. The reality is, Alec, you meant every word.  And it’s long-lost rants like this that make for great campaign ads.

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Just as Nina Totenberg meant it literally when she wished AIDS on Jesse Helms’ grandchildren as she giggled away, these are such good liberals, indeed, with their venom.  Such a hideous display of the inner dark soul of the Left.  I’m still confused by Totenberg’s comment–a child should suffer and die because of his or her grandfather’s political affiliation?

However, what Alec does on Conan’s show in 1998 is even more horrifying.  I remember watching this as it went down and have never forgotten Alec’s violent call to kill an elected Republican Congressman. Is that what he learned in Africa–that they stone people to death there–as stoning appears to be very prevalent in Africa.  And where were the bills then against threats to lawmakers?

Here’s the transcript (emphasis mine):

Alec Baldwin: “I was in Africa. I go to Africa. I mean ladies and gentlemen I am in Africa. For three months I am in the bush and I come back. I come back here and I come back to what? I mean what is happening right now as we speak? Right now the Judiciary Committee, the President has an approval rating of 68 percent. The President is very popular and things are going pretty good and they are voting to impeach the President. They voted on one article of impeachment already. And I come back from Africa to stained dresses and cigars and this and impeachment. I am thinking to myself in other countries they are laughing at us twenty four hours a day and I’m thinking to myself if we were in other countries, we would all right now, all of us together, [starts to shout] all of us together would go down to Washington and we would stone Henry Hyde to death! We would stone him to death! [crowd cheers] Wait! Shut up! Shut up! No shut up! I’m not finished. We would stone Henry Hyde to death and we would go to their homes and we’d kill their wives and their children. We would kill their families. [stands up screaming] What is happening in this country? What is happening? UGHHH UGHHH!!!!”

We all know Alec has a very bad temper.  Is he really fit to be an elected official?  Between his intolerance of those who don’t agree with him, his short-fused violent rants and his inability to put aside his leftist ideology, Baldwin is the last person you want as an elected official.

Additionally, the writers of 30 Rock may want to tone down the rhetoric with Alec’s character because he uses some vitriolic language there, too (emphasis mine):

In one recent episode, Donaghy/Baldwin said: “Do you know who gets elected to Congress these days? Former athletes, washed-up actors, and, uh… women. I’m locked and loaded and ready for whatever these Beltway lobotomites throw at me.”

Finally, we can read over the HuffPo, and so Alec also might want to tone it down a bit because, from what I see, there is no way this man can reach across the aisle and represent all of his constituents.

And kudos to Alec as admitted socialist Roseanne Barr agrees with “everything that guys says” (about 1:20 in).

It really has come to this.

Everyone,

Over the past decade, we have set our sights on growing TEN’s business by demonstrating that our programming and marketing are valid substitutes for broadcast TV. Generations of Americans have switched their viewing choices to cable TV in news, sports, kids programming and, in the last few years, original series.

Broadcast’s last stronghold has been morning and late-night television. But our sister network, Adult Swim, proved that there is a viable audience outside of broadcast for young adult viewers. Just six months ago, TBS entered the fray to steal viewers and revenue from broadcast with the launch of Lopez Tonight.

Now I am pleased to share news that will accelerate our growth in making late-night TV the territory of Turner Entertainment Networks.

Conan O’Brien has agreed to bring his Emmy-winning comedy to TBS. Starting in November, Conan will take over the 11 p.m. time slot on TBS.
George Lopez, who assisted in our recruitment of Conan, will follow at midnight. The combination of these two hosts – with their core audiences of young, diverse viewers – should lead TBS to a leadership position in late-night television.

Please see the attached press release. I am very proud that Conan chose TBS. As you’ve surely read and heard, Conan could have gone anywhere – broadcast, pay cable or syndicated TV networks – for his new home. Conan chose TBS because of our brand, programming compatibility, marketing process and people.

Getting a deal like this done quickly and confidentially is a difficult task. I especially want to recognize our business affairs leaders, Pat Kelly and Sandra Dewey, for their expert handling of the deal terms and negotiations. Business affairs is akin to an umpire in a baseball game: If you don’t notice them, they have done a great job. Sandra literally worked all week while she was on vacation to make this crazy idea a reality. It’s a reminder that our people make TEN such a fun and exciting place to work.

Steve Koonin

I often wonder how these people keep their jobs. Perhaps the editors share their disdain, and they like to keep them around so the rest of the staff will know which productions to avoid. Because it seems that most newspaper writers are left-wing drones who hate anything that might be entertaining, even in the slightest way. In certain circles, what you like to watch is less important than what you don’t watch. The most popular stance you can take with these elites is to claim that you NEVER watch television and rely on NPR for all your news.

A recent example of this was seen with the debut of Jay Leno back into the Tonight Show desk. Critics panned his opening monologue. But his ratings were huge. And the audience came back the next night, fueled in part by his selection of Sarah Palin as a guest.  Now after two weeks, it seems that Jay is back to the number one slot that David Letterman held during the reign of Conan.

Jay did this in spite of critics’ doubts. The Atlantic Wire actually noted that there is a huge disparity between the critics and the general public. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Critics are by their nature cynical people, and there is no question that the sneering antics of Conan would appeal to them more than the warm friendliness that exudes from Jay.

I’m sure this is a shock to everyone involved, since Conan fans seemed a lot better at making noise than the Leno fans. The kicked, they screamed, they posted his image on their Facebook profile. For all the outrage from the Conan firing, you would have thought that he had a massive popular wave behind him, and that Leno would further the decline in ratings. But two weeks after the Tonight Show went back into the hands of  the owner for the past 17 years (minus eight months), the ratings beg to differ.

It’s the same illusion that Leftists have been cultivating for the past fifty years, that the loudest opinion must be the most popular. But the majority of America is quiet.  They have jobs and kids to get to school and soccer practice, and don’t have time to put on silly orange wigs and march outside NBC offices, Not until the anonymous opinions of millions of Americans were weighed, did the truth come out: America prefers Jay Leno.

I’ll grant you, they didn’t at 10pm. The Tonight Show is something you like to doze off with. It is backwards television. While most shows on TV tease you into staying tuned for the entire hour, Late Night Shows are front-loaded. They start out with all the stuff you want, and slowly drift off. That way, you don’t mind leaving them on as you fall asleep. You’re not going to miss finding out which white Republican Christian CEO was responsible for murdering the whistle-blower, like you will watching Law and Order. Which was probably the problem with Jay Leno at ten. It felt like you were going to bed too early, like you do right after the Daylight Savings Time switch.

I think Conan’s popularity was wildly exaggerated. The most talked about programs aren’t always the ones people like to watch, For instance, as Nielsen Ratings became more accurate, something interesting was discovered: people lie.

Nielsen families always knew they were in control of programming, so they cheated the system, by making it appear as if they were watching shows they didn’t care for. So when they went out for the evening, they would leave the television on certain stations, knowing that they were spiking the ratings.

New People Meter technology calculates ratings based on how many people are actually in front of the TV set. So now we know what they are watching, not what shows they think should stay on the air. When the technology was introduced, there was such a sharp shift in ratings and both Fox News and BET joined a lawsuit to ban the meters. Turns out that people liked the idea of Fox News and BET more that the actual programming.

I think the same phenomenon was behind the Conan backlash. Because despite all the fanfare about Conan being disgraced when he was asked to move back his time slot a half hour, it seems that very few people were enjoying the show. When Leno returned, his fans were more than happy to switch away from Letterman’s tedious program as soon as Conan left the building. Jay Leno is back on top and it’s almost as if he was never gone.

None of this can bode well for Conan.  It seems his loyal fan base has virtually vanished into the ether. 

Perhaps they’re all listening to NPR

Lamest Attempt at Obama Joke: David Letterman claimed that Obama was in Russia, hiking the Appalachian trail.

Letterman also used John McCain as a foil on three different nights to compare the disparity between winners and losers of the last Presidential election: While Obama traveled to Russia to meet with Putin, McCain was chasing kids off his lawn. While Obama was in Italy, McCain was heating up a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee; While Obama was in Italy meeting with the G-8, McCain was on his front porch in Arizona, waving at cars.

Conan O’Brien also seems to like the ageist jokes, claiming that John McCain is using twitter, only he’s twittering on his garage door opener. With all the McCain material, and the dearth of Obama jokes, you’d almost think John McCain won the election. According to Craig Ferguson, when Palin resigned, John McCain said, “Who?”

Most Overused Person as a Punchline: Sarah Palin for her resignation. Letterman claimed she blamed the media, and was spotted in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer. Conan said America was just ranked the 114th happiest nation,in the world but when Palin resigned it moved up to 17th. He also suggested she might be doing a TV show for viewers that find Paula Abdul too coherent. Letterman claimed the Governorship now passes down to Miss Congeniality, Ferguson claimed it goes to Chillee Willee.

Writers over Shoulders Award: This week it goes to to all three Late Nights. O’Brien, Letterman, and Ferguson each did a  play on Tina Fey’s old joke about Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house. (I believe we’re coming up on the one year anniversary of that one.) Conan claimed that while Obama was in Russia, he could see Palin cleaning out her office. Craig Ferguson did a version of the joke, claiming he wouldn’t use the room she stayed in during his USO tour because he didn’t want a room where he could see Russia. Letterman claimed that while Barack was in Russia, Sarah Palin waved at him. He was actually so enamored with that joke he used it four times on three different nights. On Tuesday he actually used it twice in the same monologue.

But Letterman’s favorite joke he used most every night was, “Mosquitoes mate and breed in standing water, kinda like my in-laws.” A couple of times he also told a joke about his mom thinking the Fourth of July fireworks were an attack from North Korea.

Oldest Presidential Joke of the Week: Even though Letterman and Ferguson both made Clinton jokes, this week’s award goes to Conan O’Brien for telling a Classic Bob Hope Presidential Library joke: “Saddam Hussein’s gun will be displayed in George Bush’s Library, right next to the book.”

Funniest Obama Line of the Week: Goes to Conan O’Brien who claimed that when Barack was in Moscow he gave a speech to an economics class entitled, “Can we borrow 4 trillion Rubles?” Runner up also goes to Conan who claimed that Obama was in Italy because the Italians were great allies of ours, excepting anytime we’ve gone to war. Conan also did the only mention of the famous photo saying that the only ass Obama was looking at, was Joe Biden. (It seems there’s still much hesitation to use Obama as the actual victim in the jokes.)

Angriest White Man: Again David Letterman who’s still griping about having to apologize to Sarah Palin. On two separate nights he wondered aloud whether it was his joke that might have caused her to resign.

The Most Interesting Interview: Bob Newhart on Conan. He’s been at it for almost 50 years now, and is still able to do panel. He had some great stories about the old “Tonight Show” that really made me long for Golden Age of Late Night, back before it got so personal.

Craig Ferguson said after Spitzer and Blagojevich, the most normal governor was Jesse Ventura. He also said that a family values governor having a mistress is like Al Gore needing four SUVs to bring his lunch to him.(It was disappointing that Ferguson didn’t see the irony in his remark, because Al Gore DOES require multiple SUVs when he travels) Funniest line went to Conan O’Brien, who said the affair was a shock, because usually, Republicans don’t do well with Hispanic women.

Of all seven shows, only Jimmy Kimmel’s writers were quick enough to get Michael Jackson’s death into the monologues. (Twice.) Jimmy Fallon opened his Friday show with a little dance and a moonwalk while the band played “Beat-It.”  But it seemed peculiar and out of place considering he went right into a Mark Sanford joke and never made mention of Jackson in the monologue.

The shows also weighed in on other important issues, like the Academy Awards expanding Best Picture category to 10 nominees. Just what we want, an awards show that’s Longer (Conan) and Gayer (Ferguson) with More Losers (Fallon).

Most Overused Person as a Punchline was actually ten people last week: “John and Kate + Eight.” Most hosts couldn’t resist altering the math from their pending divorce. Conan suggested they abandon three of the kids to make it “John and Kate + 5.” Jimmy Kimmel suggested Kate move in with the Octo-mom to make it “Two Single Moms + 22.” Funniest line was Ferguson: “John and Kate minus half of John’s stuff.”

Steve Jobs new liver was a popular topic. Letterman said it would be smaller, faster and more powerful, while Fallon said will be outdated in three months. It’s obvious to me that Fallon’s writers are the only ones who use Mac.

There were many similar jokes this week. A popular one was Mark Sanford outsourcing his mistress. (Kimmel, Ferguson), Conan said he should, “sleep American,” and Letterman claimed it was another case of foreigners taking jobs Americans just won’t do. He also mentioned that this proves Republicans were right about Sotomayor, Latina women don’t have any better judgment than white men.

There were two jokes tying Chastity Bono to the release of the “Transformers” film (Letterman, Fallon) and both Ferguson and Colbert made gay jokes about Wimbledon– a bunch of men in shorts swatting balls around.

But the Writers over Shoulders award for this week goes to Conan O’Brien, who started a “new” bit where if a joke goes bad he takes the cue card and inserts it into a large paper shredder. This seemed vaguely reminiscent of something Jimmy Fallon has been doing since day one, taking the bad joke cue cards and handing them out to audience members. On Friday, he even alluded to being ripped off. After giving a joke away to an audience member he suggested that maybe it should have been put in the shredder instead.

Oldest Presidential Joke goes to Craig Ferguson who mentioned that in 1987 Ronald Reagan took time out from defeating communism to sign National Catfish Day into law.

There were only three President Bush jokes all week. Kimmel ran the embarrassing video of President Bush from 2007 trying to dance alongside a traditional African drummer. Kimmel overdubbed Michael Jackson music and claimed it was President Bush’s tribute to the “Thriller” video. Letterman said that Mark Sanford liked hiking to clear his head, and “We never had that problem from Bush.”

Jason Jones, reporting from Iran for Jon Stewart last week, did an interesting segment he called “Jihad Walking” where he interviewed Iranians and Americans to see who knew more about the other’s culture (of course, it’s the Iranians). He found a young man who not only knew who Jon Stewart was, he could even do Stewart’s impression of George Bush (I’m the Decider!). 

The Most Interesting Interview was Sandra Day O’Connor on David Letterman. Who knew that she had a pet bobcat when she was a little girl and likes to shoot gophers?

The Angriest White Man was not Bill Maher, since he has a couple weeks off for a much needed vacation. Friday’s show was a series of three pre-taped, one-on-one interviews with people that really don’t interest me very much. So I didn’t watch it.

So by default, the title has to go to David Letterman for the week, since he’s still griping about having to apologize to Sarah Palin. On Tuesday’s show, he started a joke by mentioning an earthquake in Alaska, held a grimace for a minute while the audience applauded and then refused to finish the joke. He also claimed that by the time Bernie Madoff is released in 150 years, the Republicans could be back in office

For The Lamest Attempt at an Obama Joke, Letterman claimed that Obama was so mad after the Iranian election, that he stopped smoking camels.

The Obama material was extremely sparse last week, although both John Stewart and Stephen Colbert had some interesting segments. They went after President Obama for his broken promises on Transparency (Stewart) and Gay Rights (Colbert). (Note the lackluster audience response to Colbert.)

However The Funniest Obama Line of the Week goes to Jimmy Fallon: “Barack Obama will be at the All-Star Game to throw out the first pitch, and Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.”

 Yes, I’m sad to say, that was really the best.

The big topics of the week were Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the presidential fly killing:

The election of Mahmoud was compared by the talk show hosts alternately to the 2000 Presidential and the 2008 Minnesota Senate elections. Fallon claimed that now that his opponent lost, he’ll go on to make a documentary about Global Warming.  David Letterman actually did a joke almost every single night, changing the punchline from Florida voting machines, to Pat Buchanan, Al Gore, Al Franken and Jeb Bush.  Bill Maher used Norm Coleman then criticized his audience for not knowing who he was talking about. The funniest line was Ferguson’s who claimed that Iranian politics have finally gotten as corrupt as Chicago.

Ferguson and Conan get the Writers Over Shoulders Award for making a joke about the fly being eaten like a lizard.  Ferguson speculated that it would be done by Cheney, while Conan put a computer animated tongue in the president’s mouth, snapping the fly off his wrist. Kimmel gets an honorable mention for putting a sound effect of flatulence behind the video so it looked like the President was trying to fan the odor away.

The Most Overused Person as a Punchline goes to Thomas Prusik Parkin, the man who dressed up like his dead mother to collect her social security check. David Letterman accused both Elton John and Barry Manilow of dressing like their mothers on alternate nights. The funniest line he said was that he was so good at dressing up like an old woman that Ashton Kutcher wanted to date him. (He told a similar joke the following night, saying if he wanted to look like an old woman he should have dressed up like Madonna.)

John McCain buying a hybrid was another big story of the week getting attention from Conan, Fallon and Letterman who used it for ageist jokes. Letterman claimed that a Hybrid to McCain would be a horse and buggy while Conan claimed that to McCain, hybrid meant an AM/FM radio. Fallon claimed that seven months ago he couldn’t use a computer, but now he’ll have a hybrid and a twitter account; perhaps he’s the new Benjamin Button.

Jimmy Fallon reached all the way back to an administration that predated his talk show career to deliver the Lamest Attempt at an Obama Joke, claiming that George Bush tried to one-up the new President by killing a fly himself, but it took 20 minutes of clumsy two handed swatting. There were also a couple Bill Clinton as a predator jokes during the week. But the Oldest Presidential Reference goes to Stephen Colbert, who ran Richard Nixon’s quote about Bohemian Grove being “faggy.”

Most of the week’s Obama material centered on the fly. One exception was Jon Stewart who derided the President for trying to fix Health Care in the middle of a war on two fronts and trying to keep the nation from looking like it did in the Grapes of Wrath. But the Funniest Obama Line goes to Conan who claimed that while President Obama was on the phone talking to Phil Jackson and Dan Bylsma, Joe Biden got to talk to Tito Jackson and a real penguin.

The Most Interesting Interview of the week was Governor Mike Huckabee on the Jon Stewart Show. Governor Huckabee very clearly laid out the constitutional pro-life position for the Daily Show audience. Stewart, was defenseless against a rational case for the rights of the unborn, especially since Huckabee’s position was not based in religion, zealotry or misogyny–the straw men Stewart usually attacks. His audience also appeared stunned, as they were not able to perform their trademark trained seal-clap more than a couple times during Stewart’s humiliation.

The Angriest White Man is still Bill Maher, who after a brief flirtation with moderateness, struck back at those of us who congratulated his criticism of Obama. In a remarkably unfunny rant, Maher warned Republicans:

And as far as you folks on the right, who think that we’re now somehow in league: we’re not in league. I was criticizing Obama for not being hard enough on the corporate douchebags you live to defend.  I don’t want to be on your team, pick another kid.

Gee, all we did was compliment him for being fair.

Besides Letterman, perhaps there might have been another threat issued down to a host last week. It seems David wasn’t the only one, who had to apologize to his “sponsors.”