Not long ago people like Al Gore were jetting around the globe taking in vast speaking fees, winning awards, telling everyone that they must give up the things they enjoy to save the planet. These doomsayers all told us we were stupid if we doubted them. They knew better, you see. These people claimed all “real” scientists agreed that mankind was destroying the planet with global warming. That we humans were at fault and the only way to save ourselves is bow down to a world government, pay lots of taxes and give up our cars, our electricity, air travel, light bulbs, blah blah blah.

There was a vast left wing conspiracy in other words. One designed to scare people into giving more power and wealth to statist bureaucrats who were employing the oldest trick in the book. Using fear and guilt to manufacture consent.

They began by locking down major institutions like NASA and Britain’s Climate Research Unit (CRU). Then they got the media on board, the science magazines, the cable networks. They started churning out articles and documentaries supporting the global warming meme. Millions were spent selling the idea, because many of these groups knew that fear, like sex, sells. There are two main motivations that human beings have. The desire to have something and the fear of losing something. They used both to pitch the notion that we could create a “green utopia” by changing the way we did things, and in doing so we would prevent the end of the world. Who doesn’t want to be a hero? Who doesn’t love the environment? How can you argue with that?

But two things happened last year that shot an arrow in the heart of the beast; one of the worst winters on record and Climategate. And the hits keep on coming. Now it turns out that NASA, who claimed for years that their data proves Global Warming is real, was actually just using CRU data all along. And the CRU couldn’t back up any of its data. In fact, they “lost the records” when they were forced to produce them. Oops!

So now these news channels who’ve been trumpeting the story as fact, all those cable networks who spent millions on documentaries hyping it, all those TV shows hawking green as the in color; they all look like fools. Or worse, they look like they were in on what will go down as one of the biggest scams in human history.

What would you do if you were in their position? It’s not hard to understand why they’re carrying on like Climategate never happened. They have a president in the White House as clueless as they are, pushing the Cap and Trade agenda as if those darn glaciers are just about melted. We have to do something fast! Not a moment too soon, kiddies.

The climate scam is worth trillions of dollars and who knows how many millions, if not billions have been spent to win over the public. Too bad the public is losing interest fast. People are increasingly saying it’s all made up or at best, exaggerated. You can’t put toothpaste back in the tube. The proverbial genie is out of the bottle, The cat has left the bag. There’s no going back to the lies and spin. But our friends in the media are still living a lie. It’s like they threw a party and only their mom and a few friends showed up. What was once a hip thing to be a part of, like smoking, is fast becoming a loser tattoo on their foreheads.

The public’s trust is evaporating and it’s not helping that many in the media are circling the wagons. As their ratings drop and their Nielsens tank, as the suits upstairs start laying off staff, they’re going to have to deal with reality. Something they’ve tried to deny all these years. Yes, folks. The warm-mongers are in fact the deniers.

The economy is in a down-spiral. Telling people they need to cut back is like rubbing salt in their wounds. Promising them “green jobs” is like telling a 40 year old Santa Claus is coming to town.

The climate skeptics started a snowball years ago that has been gaining size and momentum as it rolled downhill. It’s getting larger all the time. And now it’s headed straight at the media that tried to deny it. They want to pretend it will go away if they think happy thoughts (or gloomy ones as the case may be). But it’s coming at them like an unstoppable freight train and it’s almost here.

Its name is karma.

Tonight!

Kimberly Guilfoyle!
GOP analyst Mary Smith!
John Devore!
and Michael Waltrip!

Were you thinking of seeing “Nine”? Well, sucks to be you, doesn’t it?

“Nine” Screenwriter Michael Tolkin

Ah yes, the Academy Awards – specifically, Best Picture. And maybe in this case, Best Screenplay. (Only the actual winners get excited about categories like Best Makeup and Best Editing.) Best Picture winners don’t necessarily reflect a movie’s popularity with the public, but often the political statement the movie makes – or, perhaps, statements made by those closest to it – like the screenwriter.

Yep, Michael Tolkin may have written a movie about an “arrogant, self-absorbed movie director” looking for meaning in his art (is this based on a true story???), but he’s positive that the bitter clingers who populate Middle America don’t have a clue either, and he’s prepared to educate the masses.

In an op-ed for the LA Times, Tolkin discusses what he calls “The Vampirization of America.” Using the current rage for werewolves, vampires, zombies and wizards in popular culture as a metaphor, his comparisons reminds us of the tedious essays that we had to write in high school, looking for hidden meaning in books we hated, like Slaughterhouse Five and anything written by Ernest Hemingway. Tolkin takes this art form to a whole new level by applying it to something he hates – those bitter clingers.

In a nutshell, those who elected Obama are part of the youthful Harry Potter “wizard brigade” who may be feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse at the moment, but can be excused “seeing as they do that they’re surrounded now by Zombies, the tea baggers, a growling mob of brain-dead idiots led by the Vampires.”

And who are these scary creatures?

“The Zombies are the muddled herd of the maggoty brain-dead, reduced by their confusion to singular obsessions. What upsets them about Obama’s origins is that he has actual proof of human birth. They are the Living Dead in George Romero’s shopping mall, no money, no credit, still shopping. They’re the embarrassing reflection of our lives…”

If you went to a Tea Party, you’re a Zombie Tea-Bagger Birther. Of course, back in the day, those who believed that George W. Bush lied about his service in the Texas Air National Guard – like Dan Rather and Mary Mapes (and Mapes actually knew the story was a big lie) – were also “reduced by their confusion to singular obsessions.” But their cause was a righteous one, as I recall.

“The Vampires are the aristocracy of the undead, who can, at least, talk. The Vampires are the fear mongers, the talk show hosts, the politicians who can’t find a way to give health insurance to children, much less adults; the bankers, Ponzi schemers, drug company lobbyists, the theologians of prosperity. We can’t understand them without first considering why they’re in a symbolic war against the Lycanthropes.”

Vampires are talk show hosts? Is he including Keith Olbermann in that mix? And the greatest Ponzi scheme of all time surely must be the government’s Social Security program, which is estimated to go bankrupt by 2037.  But never mind, I’m sure he was talking about the eeevil Glenn Beck and that theologian of prosperity Rush Limbaugh. And, of course, that convenient punching bag Bernie Madoff. I do wonder how much Tolkin earned for his screenplay. Perhaps he wrote it “pro bono” so he wouldn’t commit the sin of being prosperous. Oh, and for your brain dead zombies out there, “lycanthrope” is a big word that means “werewolf.” You’re welcome.

Speaking of werewolves:

The Werewolves are closer to the Wizards than the Zombies, but are maligned by the Vampires. Werewolves are not the undead, they are the humans split between control and abandon, between society and rage. Every politician or sports figure caught for scandal is a werewolf. In the beginning years of this mythology, Bela Lugosi’s Dracula deserved the spike in his heart, he was a mournful villain, but still a villain, while Lon Chaney Jr.’s Wolfman was caught tragically by his blood disease, and knew he needed to die for the protection of those he loved. He was a hybrid, no different in that sense than Spider-Man or the Hulk or a Prius.

The Werewolves are being targeted by the Vampires because that part of them which is still human, and still alive, is the great threat to the Vampires; one may say that the alliance of the Wizards and Werewolves is all that can save us from the Vampires and their army of Zombies.

Tiger Woods  is a werewolf. So was the left’s sweetheart, Bill Clinton. Poor babies. But Sarah Palin is not a Werewolf despite the Herculean effort to pin scandal after scandal upon her because…

Show me your neck!

Palinism is vampirism, as she leads her army of Zombies, who refuse to concede that carbon dioxide levels are man-made because they want the world to heat up, because they are cold and dead and want to burn or drown everyone else, because death is jealous of life.

Palinistic Vampirism controls the Zombies, and uses them as proxies to call for the massacre that the Vampires are too clever to ask for themselves. But they do want blood. There is no vegetarian vampire, and vampires are always and only liars. Werewolves, like any dog who steals from the table, may be liars, but unlike the Vampires, they don’t want power. The Vampires can’t be reasoned with.

(Pssst…Michael…here’s a tip: you aren’t supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.)

I guess Climategate was a figment of my imagination. Those scientists didn’t manipulate evidence or express private doubts of the earth heating up or suppress data, right? Perhaps Tolkin missed that story because he was living in a cave, sans heat, electricity and running water, in order to cut down on his personal ”carbon footprint.” And I suppose he’s going to quit writing screenplays because the movie industry has one of the biggest “carbon footprints” on the planet.

But don’t worry, fellow monsters, because “underneath the death cult [you're] scared, and that fear in its way is proof of [your] humanity.” So let go of your fear. Ignore the revelations of Climategate, embrace global warming and give up your right to live the way you see fit, allowing UN bureaucrats and their US counterparts to dictate your every move. Because who wants to be a zombie, vampire or werewolf?

If you want to further redeem yourself in the eyes of Michael Tolkin and his Hollywoodite friends who know so much more than you do about – well, just about everything, be sure to part with your money and see “Nine.” Fine art cleanses the soul (and your wallet).

And I’ve heard he’s already cleared a space on his mantel for his Oscar. Help a guy out, would you?

by Carbie the Climate Clown

Emmett K. Bozo Distinguished Professor of Climate Pantomimology, University of East Anglia
EU Regional President, Union of Concerned Climate Scientists and Street Performers

The scientific evidence is everywhere we look — in our vanishing polar ice caps, in our melting greasepaint, in the way our lapel flowers struggle to squirt. Man-made climate change is upon us, and if we do not act at once Earth itself faces an immediate catastrophic ecological pie in the face.

As provost of the University of East Anglia’s cutting edge Centre for Climate Pantomimology, I work closely with multidisciplinary climate scientists, both within the University and in the clown science community at large. There can be no disputing the peer reviewed models that show the Earth’s temperature curving ever upwards, like the expanding tail of a tube balloon, propelled by mankind’s relentless exhalation of carbon dioxide. If we are to avoid the coming explosion, we must tie off the end of the balloon as soon as possible. Then we must carefully shepherd and shape the balloon as nature intended, perhaps as one of nature’s majestic balloon poodles.

Among climate clowns, scientific consensus

To underscore the seriousness of this global threat, the UCCSSP convened an emergency academic symposium in Copenhagen this week to present our latest peer reviewed findings in support of the COP15 climate accords. Dr. Jingles Hansen of the US Goddard Institute for Space Science gave the plenary address, further documenting climate change by pulling a shocking unbroken string of temperature station windsocks from his sleeve. He was followed by Professor Pif-Pif of the Brussels Institute of Geophysical Mime Modeling, who demonstrated how rising temperatures will leave man in an invisible box, struggling in vain against growing surface convection winds.
In light of these findings, the UCCSSP delegates passed a multipoint draft resolution calling for immediate action on clown-driven climate justice and sustainability. Protocols include:

• By 2011, a mandatory 50% increase in minimum clown carpooling passenger loads.
• Immediate reductions in wasteful shoe sizes.
• Immediate replacement of carbonated seltzer water in all spritz bottles with recycled urine.
• By 2013, an 80% increase in target levels for clown child abductions and murder.
• A 300% increase in UN clown research funding, including first class upgrades on all junkets to international clown meetings.
• Violent lunatic street rioting.

These conclusions were not only endorsed by the scientific and clown communities, but by a broad cross-section of experts across scholarly disciplines. Among these included the Association of People Dressed Up Like Polar Bears, The Organization of Hysterically Weeping Science Journalists, the EU Centre for Scientific Self-Immolation, Monarchs and Despots United for Scientific Gaia Worship, Ed Begley Jr., and the prestigious International Society of Scientists With Intense Daddy Issues. All of whom, I might add, have a minimum of 15 years in graduate school.

Science and self-immolators agree: it’s getting hot

Despite such an overwhelming scientific consensus, enacting climate change regulations has proven difficult. On one side you will find the rational voices of the peer reviewed experts: scientists, scholars, clowns, lachrymose journalists, beloved dictators, former sitcom stars, rioting Marxists in polar bear costumes who start themselves on fire. On the other side are the anti-science denialists, funded by a secret cabal of economic interests.

Unfortunately, some members of the public have been duped by so-called “skepticlowns” like Shotgun and Spanky. They have cynically sought to shut down clown science by demanding that I reveal to them my raw climate data, when they damn well know doing so would violate the Sacred Science Law of the Clowns. Do not be deceived. Shotgun and Spanky have never worked in either a tenure track university or circus, and therefore do not have proper clown credentials. They are merely rodeo clowns, mercenaries for beef industry plutocrats like Ronald McDonald who are desperate to avoid restrictions on their precious methane.

I am confident, however, that this misconception will be corrected once the public has the real facts. I am now collaborating with Nobel Prize medalist Al Gore on a new 50 city three-ring awareness tour to assure the public that the miming is settled. Get your tickets online before December 31st and you’re automatically registered for a free carbon credit gift pack from Goreco!

And if that still

In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: President Obama, Government Bailouts, George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, Joseph Stalin, America’s Debt Ceiling, Robin Williams, Climategate, Porn Star Karaoke, Airlines, and the Super Bowl.

AMC’s The Prisoner was awful. The headache inducing flashbacks, incomprehensible sudden and rapid scene changes, incessant and interminable runs through the desert to find the sea, the ever present morose gay son, “11-12,” of “2,” and the lack of any plot tension made the show almost unwatchable. But watch it I did, because I wanted to know both 2’s reasons and the technology that helped create “the Village.” The answer was preposterous. I should have read a “spoiler” review instead.

I never watched the original 1960’s television show, so had no particular expectations. The Prisoner is about a technology company, “Summaker,” which identifies people it presumes need help. It kidnaps them and places them in an induced hallucinogenic state. The hallucination is the “Village,” which looks like a human-sized toy town. The kidnapped live out their lives in a dreary hallucinogenic sameness with identical small pink houses, ambition free jobs, and some sense that all is ok. Villagers are unaware, mostly, they live in a hallucination, although many have odd “dreams” about their past. Dreamers are hunted down and sent down bottomless holes that appear in the ground. We are led to believe they are gone and dead. (Do they go back to the real world?).

All people have a number rather than a name. “2,” Ian McKellen, is the leader of the Village. He plays his character as a postmodern, ironic, fear inducing, ruthless dictator and lives in a mansion in the Village. “Six,” James Caviezel, is the “Prisoner” who intuits the illusion and seeks to escape and destroy “2.”

By the end of the mini-series, we learn “2’s” wife, who is in a trance/coma throughout the series, invented/discovered the Village in her mind. She is able to project this vision onto others. We are not told why a person from the real world is chosen to live in the Village. One character was a schizophrenic in real life, but it’s unclear all Villagers had such torments. No person is given a choice to go to the Village. “2” apparently realizes his own ruthless personality is less than ideal for this job as head Village honcho. The plot line results in “2” recruiting “6,” who has great empathy, to take over the Village.

Viewers have to suffer through various monologues by McKellen, each designed to teach us how tenuous and “relative” reality is. Yet he and his supposedly “mystical” wife apparently know what’s best for all. We never really learn how the hallucination is physically created in the minds of Villagers. “6” is seen taking his seat in a Director’s chair in front of computer banks by the end of the tedious six hour mini-series.

The Prisoner did strike me as an unintended satire of the totalitarian vision that is the Left’s view of the world. Elites know best and can force you to obey; just follow them and all will be great; reality and truth are mere conventions or fictions; and so on. The Prisoner takes totalitarianism to a high level, as there is utter lack of freedom. Even the fundamental facts about physical reality are subject to manipulation for the Villagers’ good. This is similar to the worldview of the East Anglia climate scientists and the Obama EPA’s Lisa Jackson. Who needs data? Just believe.

I prefer my unintended satires of the totalitarian Left more thrillingly and crisply delivered. Coincidentally, within a few days of seeing The Prisoner, I saw on TMC the original 1956 version of  The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. There are similarities between The Prisoner and Body Snatchers. In Body Snatchers, a small town is invaded by human sized “corn on the cob” looking “pods” from outer space. Each pod is designed for a particular citizen. A replacement being is born from each pod. When the real person falls asleep, the pod person takes over their memory. (I never could figure out where their bodies go; I guess they merge.). They become similar to people in the Village; they are dull, emotionless, pain free, and have some general sense of well being. They are all “one.”

Rather than creating a new mental “Village,” the Body Snatchers just capture the memory of every person in the small California town. The protagonist, Dr. Miles Bennell (Kevin McCarthy), gradually discovers the pod attack as reports mount of people claiming family members have “changed.” Like “6,” he tries to escape and is constantly thwarted by pod-people (rather than “2”). The movie is a flashback of a story he tells to doctors in a neighboring town who listen at first with great skepticism. The movie ends with Bennell racing out of town warning people in cars on the freeway to stay away. It is short, fast paced and has little wasted scenes.

Viewers identify with Bennell. The horror he witnesses is bad enough. But he also knows the story is absurd sounding and recognizes how impossible it is for others to believe it. Unlike “6,” Bennell knows what is happening from the beginning and explicitly rejects the pods relativist ideology, which “6” accepts. He quaintly believes in individual freedom and truth.

The Prisoner, on the other hand, is the perfect modern movie. All reality is relative and elites know better than you. Who cares if East Anglia scientists lost all the raw climate data 20 years ago? Forget those dreams of “truth” and listen instead to the likes of Lisa Jackson.

CO2 is a pollutant. Just believe. You’ll feel much better.

In this episode, “NewsBusted” covers: Thanksgiving, White House Party Crashers, Climategate, Safe Cars, Senator Mary Landrieu, Sarah Palin, Oprah, Notable Quotables Web Show, and Johnny Depp.