You see, art is a statement, even commercial art. It’s a kind of message, even when the message is stupid. Because all stories are an argument about something. Any story that doesn’t have a point is just a waste of time.

When people talk to you, they’re telling you a lot about themselves, without even realizing it. In the subtext of what they say, they tell you how they see the world. It’s rare that people say exactly what’s on their mind, they usually say it in a roundabout way. 

This is how fortune tellers and mentalists have been able to trick people for centuries, telling them what they want to hear. The fortune tellers listen carefully to what the fortune seekers say. Then, after figuring out what the seeker wants to hear, they make up some story. But Hollywood is full of people who think they know better than everyone else. They don’t care what the public thinks all that much. They want to tell us what they think. This attitude often comes out in their products. These clichés reveal how many in La La Land see the world and themselves. And it’s kind of embarrassing, actually. For them.

Let’s continue our list, shall we?

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1. Evil corporations/businessmen: According to Hollywood, corporations are Capital “E” Evil and run by evil business people. Did I say evil? Yes, eeeeevvvvil! The CEOs are usually old white men, unless the hero of the story is female. Then the CEO’s a ruthless hot chick and the corporation is always planning to poison or kill their customers with their product, which they expect to make them rich. Bwa ha ha!!!!

Note to Hollywood: Logic check: How do you get rich killing or poisoning your customers, exactly? Aren’t real corporations constantly being sued for every little mistake? A lot of times they get sued for things they didn’t do. And why would anyone buy a product that kills or sickens them? Wouldn’t that diminish your customer base?

OK, we know what this is really about. When youe talk about products that sicken people, you’re talking about your movies, right? All joking aside, let me guess. You don’t like capitalism. Corporations = capitalism. I mean, greed is bad, except for you. You’re not greedy, despite your lifestyle, because you’re “progressive.” It’s okay to attack corporations because you’re sticking it to the man, man. This is how you bolster your street cred, yo. Just don’t drive through South Central. You won’t get any “props” there. Maybe in Venice Beach.

Yeah, Enron was bad. So were a lot of those failed Wall Street companies that mismanaged their clients accounts. Yes, some corporations are run by crooks, but they’re also made up of a lot of innocent people who don’t know that until they get burned. But this is a small percentage of the thousands of companies out there which provide jobs to the public buying your movie tickets. Many companies donate millions to charity, fund public projects, etc. They are not all evil. And frankly, no company is as evil as they’re made out to be in movies. That’s just plain laughable.

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2. The Gay Friend: Gays are the perfect friend for single women. They give her all the tips she needs to get ahead with her man and act like a Greek chorus, cheering her on to victory. They also make funny stylists or interior decorators. Sometimes they’re the hilarious neighbor next door. You know, the guy with the pink sweater tied around his neck and swishy boy friend who always says something sassy. Gosh, aren’t they witty? They’re hilarious. All gays are funny, except, when they’re Republican – then they’re evil. Because that’s what all Republicans are: evil and secretly gay. Yes, all Nazis are gay too, but they’re not witty, either.

Note to Hollywood: This is the current incarnation of the token minority friend. Just like the black friend who pops up and says: “That was whack, yo!” The gay friend always has some snappy comment. They often mimic clichéd black girl mannerisms because it’s “funny.” Except, not all gays are funny. Not all gays are swishy and fey. Many gays act and dress like boring straight people. Or even macho straight people.  And they’re not all sassy or current with the latest styling tips.

And no, all Republicans aren’t evil and secretly gay. Neither were the Nazis. Comparing Nazis to anything is a tired cliché. But if you think Republicans and Nazis are evil, why accuse them of being gay? Do you think being gay is evil, too? If so, what does that say about your much vaunted tolerance? And why can’t you write gay characters that don’t fit into a narrow caricature? Is it that, oh, I dunno…you think of gays in a stereotypical way? But aren’t there are lot of gays in Hollywood? So, why would you–Ah, I get it,  this is how you get back at them. You really don’t like them. Ahhhh, I see now.

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3. Computer/Robots/Alien World Destroyers: Computers and robots usually become intelligent and then decide to strike back at humans because “they deserve it.” When intelligent computers aren’t handy, aliens will do! Back in the day, it was giant mutant critters attacking humans because they polluted their creek, which made the critters huge, so they had to strike back. But now it’s pretty Space People who decide to let us know our carbon footprints are all over the grass. They intend to save our planet by killing us because that will really make the place more “sustainable.” Oh yeah, and robots are angry that we created them so they decide to kill us, After all, we made them work instead of giving them welfare and a universal health plan.

Note to Hollywood. These clichés were popular in the 50s and 70s, and now it’s 2009. Yeah, I know, ideas get recycled. I’m still waiting for the Smurfs movie by Michael Bay (with tons of CGI and explosions). We know what you’re saying here. You think mankind sucks because the world isn’t perfect by your definition. So these movies are a way of saying, “Keep voting Democrat or we’ll keep making depressing movies!”

This cliché offends me because I want to see intelligent computers and robots. Your worldview is anti-advancement and anti-technology as though you’re some nutty cultists wanting everyone to go back to living in tee pees. These advancements could actually make the world a better place. So can genetically modified food and nano-technology, which you seem to hate. See, you don’t show scientific advancements as a good thing, it always has to be a bad thing. That’s because you’re anti-science despite your histrionics about stem cell research. After all, you took Al Gore’s bogus movie at face value even though the science in it is laughable and has been mostly discredited. If you don’t believe me, check out the weather this winter. Oh, that’s right, you live in Southern California. Never mind.

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4. Angry Black Dude/Chick: Black people are MAD in movies and TV. They often have a major attitude, a mean face and are quick to temper and violence if ”dissed.” Professional black women who act business like will suddenly talk all ghetto the second they get angry and start snapping their fingers in the air, saying: MMM HMM!” and “Oh, no, you didn’t!” In fact, all cinematic black women get angry at the drop of a hat and black men are in your face rage-a-holics unless they are meant to be a “cool” character.

Note to Hollywood. This one seems to be fading, fortunately, but I still see it around. Maybe in the age of Obama it will fade completely, but it’s doubtful. Black people are often shown as edgy because they are trying to add tension or spice to the story. Yet, it’s a demeaning stereotype when used as much as it has been. You’re suggesting blacks are difficult and hard to deal with. Oops, that doesn’t sound very inclusive, does it? Sure there are people like that, but to suggest that’s the norm for a race is a stereotype. Don’t be wack, hack.

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5. Man-Boys, not Men: It seem as though real men like James Stewart, John Wayne, Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin are no longer allowed. Now they have to be pretty faced man-children — arrested adolescents. And even if they’re 50, they’re goofy and immature and have to look to women for advice and consent. In 300, the macho King Leonidas had to look to his wife before making any decisions. In Lord of the Rings, Aragorn was this insecure doubter who needed his girlfriend to give him confidence. Men aren’t allowed to be men, and if they act alone it’s because they’re stupid and reckless. Men aren’t smart enough to think for themselves. They aren’t allowed to be brave or decisive on their own.

Note to Hollywood: Get real. Yeah, some men are like that. Partly because of the head trip you’ve laid on the culture with your post-feminist (misandric) propaganda. But frankly, this is a load of crap. It’s as mean a stereotype as the one they used in the old days with all women being flighty, screeching crybabies. Yes, there are women like that too, but all people are different in both genders. When you create characters, they should not fit one or two templates. They should be well rounded on their own terms and not based on some stupid, narrow PC  talking point. Whoever came up with these “politically correct” notions should be publicly flogged. Preferably by some real men, because karma is a bitch.

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6. White People Are Racist: Only white people are racists. Only whites are capable of racism. And whites would oppress minorities at the earliest opportunity if they could. They still do in the South. No wonder black people are so angry in movies! Ever see Roots? No white has ever helped or been nice to a black person in hundreds of years, unless they were lying to them or using them. Yes, whites all want to lynch black people if given the chance and it’s only heroic liberals who keep it under control. (See #7)

Note to Hollywood: Get real. We elected a black president. If whites were as racist as your movies make them out to be, the Civil War and the era of civil rights never would have happened. Of course, compared to the rest of the world, we all know how far behind Hollywood was when it came to the inclusion and integration of their companies and film crews. Now, why is that? Hmmm?

Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, explain why only white people can be racist? That’s a racist statement. Racism is common in every culture and in every race. Racial minorities are second class citizens in most nations on earth but we’re one of the few countries that has worked hard to fight racism. In most parts of the world racism is accepted as the status quo. So quit bashing Americans for our failures and start giving us credit where credit’s due. We’ve come a long, long way. A lot further than other places.

Now, a black director named Spike Lee famously claimed that only whites can be racist because only whites have power, or some such nonsense. That’s nothing more than someone trying to use the race card to get attention for his movies. He seems to do it every time a movie of his comes out. Race hustling is so 20th Century, Spike. Get with the times.

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7. Liberal Saviors (Journalist/Trial Lawyer/Teacher): If it wasn’t for white liberals, blacks would still be slaves. They owe everything to the white liberal savior who is often a crusading journalist, teacher or trial lawyer fighting the evil corporations. In the 80s and 90s there were apartheid movies, at least one a year, about some white man who goes to South Africa and helps Biko or Mandela beat the evil racists. If it wasn’t for the white savior, where would Mandela be? And forget about the South, the white liberal guy did it all. Civil Rights happened because white liberals wandered into town and fought social injustice. Martin Luther King just stole all the press. And don’t  forget all those white teachers who go into black schools with troubled kids and show them how to dance! How to play basketball! And the heroic trial lawyers who…ha ha ha–heroic trial lawyers. That’s a good one!

Note to Hollywood: Come on! We know what this is about. It’s an egotistical idea that some white guy saves black people from bad white people. So what are the black people in the story? Little lost lambs who can’t think or act for themselves and don’t get credit for anything. OK, I understand you want to show people helping the poor and the oppressed, but you make it into such a cartoon where the system is almost always either an evil corporation or evil racist whites. Like those sports movies about the first black swim team who wasn’t allowed to swim in “white pools” and the first black badminton team that wasn’t allowed to use white badminton courts. And of course, there’s always some white coach to show the racist whites that blacks can play badminton with the best of them. How many more silly racist situations are you going to come up with? Shuffleboard? Frisbee tournaments? “Dungeons and Dragons?”

If blacks would be nowhere without white liberals, what you’re saying is that you’re superior to minorities because they need you to save them. Sounds rather patronizing.

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8. The Killer Babe: Hot looking women all know kung fu. A 5′2″, 90lb lady can beat up any man with ease, no matter how big, even when she’s wearing high heels. In fact, the K.B. usually wears pumps all the time, and mentions it after she does something, ”I did it all in heels!” She can even battle superhuman villains with ease. And her hair is perfect. She never has a bad hair day.

Note to Hollywood: OK, I’ll admit to liking Joss Whedon shows. But how many uber-waifs is he going to trot out? His latest show (”Dollhouse”) is just another super-babe, but at least his shows are good. So many others overuse this canard. It started in the early 90s and keeps going.

So, Hollywood…you like the idea of chicks in high heels beating you up? Really? How much of your income goes to paying for that? Just curious.

Sorry, but a guy my size (6′4″) is generally unafraid of tiny women – not that I need to be, I’m a nice guy. But honestly, if your heroes are never in serious danger, if no one can beat them, guess what? The story is boring. Stories are a lot more interesting when the heroes (or heroines) face situations that seem impossible – when they face insurmountable odds, not people they can easily kick the crap out of. It’s sad enough that you’re resorting to overused clichés, but you’re making it even more lame by removing the suspense.

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9. The Future Is Hopeless: Look around, man! The future is bleak! We’re all doomed. We’re killing the planet! We’re not acting sustainable! Our carbon footprint is too large! But before we destroy the world, we’re going to treat each other really bad because that’s what humans do: We’re all bad. We deserve to die. The pretty alien guy said so.

Note to Hollywood: Speak for yourself, or maybe you are. Yes, many of you treat each other badly. We’ve all heard the stories. You keep making movies about how obnoxious Hollywood people are. We know how mean spirited, deceitful and false some people in The Big H can be. That doesn’t mean the rest of humanity is like that. We’re not all part of your weird-ass culture which bears no relation to reality at all.

If people were as bad as some of you seem to think there would never be any peace and a lot more theft, murder and rape. Instead, crime rates have gone down over the years, people send millions in aid to others, and many citizens around the world do community service and look out for their fellow man. Okay, I know, you’re trying to set up an exciting story in some hypothetical place. Except you always pick the worst case scenario. I like a lot of end of the world stories, but why does every future have to be the same negative dystopia? Can’t you come up with something more interesting? I mean, plumb more sci-fi novels where there’s an interesting future. You’re running out of Philip K Dick stories. He wasn’t the only sci-fi writer, you know.

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10. The Government Is Evil (if there’s a Republican president): Yes, the government is out to get us. Black helicopters, men in black and agents with black sunglasses and black suits. Black, black, black… Have you run out of paint, yet? Anyway, the government is omnipotent and knows everything about our lives and is trying to get us. There is no escape! They’re tapping our phones, dragging us off to secret prisons where we’re tortured, and they hold all the secret technologies that would set us free – but if we ever discover those secrets they will come after us. Agents are everywhere. So is the evil military waiting to send troops down our streets.

Note to Hollywood: Obama is president, does that mean that the government is good now? Will we now get movies like “Dave,” “The American President” and “Air Force One,” like we did when Clinton was in the White House? Yes, “The X-Files” was during the Clinton era too, but the heroes of that show were government agents so that doesn’t exactly count. I’m not a fan of big government, either, but you seem to be. You keep voting for and promoting statists who want to usher in more government programs. So if the government is so evil, why do you want to give them more power? Do you really think that one party in power all of a sudden makes it good? Are you really that naive? Sorry I asked.

In closing, I know you want to make good movies because you want the praise of your peers. You want ratings and box office. And yeah, many of you may feel, deep down, that you’re not clever enough to do great work. But that’s no excuse for not even trying. These clichés are just amateurish and insulting to the very people who help pay your salary. Yes, the public.

I know many of you aren’t bad. Hollywood has plenty of creeps, knuckleheads and no-talents, but many of you are talented, smart and capable. You should know better that to perpetrate this noxious stuff. It embarrasses you, it makes you look stupid in the eyes of the public, it sends out the wrong kind of message and it’s often racist, sexist and just plain depressing and sad.

Don’t forget what you’re here for. You’re supposed to entertain us, not insult us.

Prescription: Watch Sullivan’s Travels by Preston Sturges several times and call me in the morning.

1. The Crazed Vet/Soldier: According to Hollywood, if you’re a veteran who fought in a war or a soldier returning from one, you are insane, dangerous and probably a murderous sociopath. Either that or you’re a pathetic loser with mental problems. An emotional basket case. And of course, only poor people join the military, only uneducated stooges easily fooled by government propaganda. No one joins the military because they believe in something. If they do they will find out how foolish they were and become disgusted with America.

Note to Hollywood: Obviously, reality and research are a problem for you. Here’s a newsflash: People from all walks of life join the military and most who serve during wartime never experience serious combat, or any combat at all. During the Iraq war, it was actually statistically more dangerous to work on a farm or drive a taxi cab than to be a soldier in Iraq. And most vets are stable people. They’re trained to be responsible and orderly. They’re trained to deal with stressful situations rationally. Those who can deal with live fire are more likely to be able to handle stress back home, not the other way around. You’ve created ugly myths that betray the very people who make it possible for you to lead your silly lives. They defend the free speech that you use to defame their good name. They work for little money, often in horrible conditions, away from the people they love, for years in some cases. They risk their lives so other people can be free. People like you. And this is the thanks they get? You should be ashamed of yourselves! This is an insane form of prejudice. Bigotry against people who protect you.

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2. The Professional Bitch: For some reason, professional women have to hate men in Hollywood films and TV. They have to be cold, and smarter than men in every way. Their aloofness and snobbery is supposedly a way of showing they are above the lowly male. But of course, the right guy may melt their heart toward the end of the story. But he will almost always be dumb in some way and act more like a puppy than a man.

Note to Hollywood: The 70s are over. Man hating Feminism is so passe it might as well be wearing bell bottoms. I get it; you’re trying to create some friction between the characters so the romance will be hotter, except you make these women unlikable. Who cares if they get the guy? Unpleasant people are tedious. And few of you know how to make entertaining bitches. They’re always the same, tired kind. Smart people know how to be appealing to others. They know the importance of being charming. If your professional woman is really smart, then having some kind of witty verbal play would show that. But it seems many of you can’t write witty banter anymore. Maybe the problem is you don’t know how to write appealing characters because you’re writing about yourself?

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3. The Evil Christian: Hollywood seems to say that anyone who believes in Christianity is a sexual deviant, crook or a murderer. Christians are always shown to be hypocrites and phonies. They’re never good people. They’re exposed as pious frauds when their “true colors” are revealed.

Note to Hollywood:  Do any of you realize that Judeo-Christian values are the foundations of modern liberalism? That liberalism was a movement that came from Christianity? The very things you claim to believe were derived from that. Every group of people has their bad apples. To constantly paint Christians in this way because of a few is pathetic. You want to be seen as tolerant and yet to resort to these abysmally vicious clichés? By your logic everyone in Hollywood is a scumbag. Christians do a lot of good work all over the world. More charity work than all the liberals in Hollywood combined. Christians do more public service, feed more of the poor, work in more developing countries and provide rehab and other outreach services than Hollywood ever will. So why do you hate them? Don’t like the competition? Maybe you pick on them because they don’t fight back. Maybe you hate them because they set a better example than you. Show some respect for their good works.  If you don’t agree with their religion, find a better target. One that deserves it.

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4. The Stupid Dad/Male: In Hollywood movies men are either stupid or gay. If they are straight, they’re almost always either buffoons, geeks or dumb jocks. Women are always smarter. Men can’t do anything without a woman telling them what to do. And fathers can’t take care of the kids. They can’t cook dinner or even be good parents. They’re always too busy to spend time with their kids, or they do idiotic things that get the family into constant trouble.

Note to Hollywood: The only thing more idiotic than this cliché is the fact that you keep using it after it was worn out 20 years ago. Maybe you write dumb characters because you write from experience. Or maybe it’s because ripping off Homer Simpson is easier than thinking. Perhaps your way of telling people you’re a sexist creep. Misandry is not better than misogyny. Bad is bad. What you’re doing is morally, ethically and intellectually bankrupt. In other words, it’s stupid.

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5. The Magical Minority (aka “Magic Negro”): I’m sure you’ve seen a movie or three where some wise old Black/Asian/Native-American man/woman, who’s usually a janitor/maid/babysitter/garbage man, is a fountain of wisdom and always seems to know things. And they dispense good luck with some sparkly effects and a wink. They seem to either have supernatural powers, or they enter the clueless white person’s life and change it for the better by getting them to loosen up and put on some James Brown records. Dancing to black music or putting on some other ethic affectation always makes the dumb white character cool somehow. Because, let’s face it, white people are lame. Their culture is stupid and they are clueless. Right?

Note to Hollywood: Guess what? Aside from being racist to whites, it’s patronizing and a soft form of bigotry. Viewing “people of color” as being “special” because of their race is the point of view of a white person who doesn’t get to know others too well. Probably because they’re self centered. Race doesn’t put any one group on some exalted level, you know. There is a term for doing that. It starts with an R and I already used it for those of you who are slow. People are people. They don’t get magic powers with their skin color. Black people can’t automatically sing well (see American Idol). Native American people don’t commune with the spirit world and animals just because they took some money from you the last time you visited a Sedona gift shop. And yeah, old Asian men don’t all know kung fu and feng shui. Sorry. This kind of stuff annoys a lot of minorities. Though some find it useful when they want to trick dumb lefties.

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6. The Pedophile Priest: Similar to the Evil Christian except this is a huge fictional cliché . According to Hollywood, unless there’s a demon that needs exorcising, priests are all sanctimonious, corrupt child molesters. And often alcoholic ones at that.

Note to Hollywood: The Catholic Church made a huge mistake sweeping the pedophile priest problem under the rug for so long. They didn’t want to give the Church a bad name, so they moved the priests around rather than kicking them out.  The problem grew until it became a serious a national scandal but not every priest did this. Once again, you show you have no imagination by whipping out this drivel every time you have a priest in a story (unless it involves demons or Vatican corruption). Sweeping generalizations against a group of people is something you like to accuse conservatives of doing. Hypocrisy alert! Why don’t you take a break from this one? It’s played out and tired. Try something current for a change. Like the UN child sex scandals.

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7. The Traditionalist Hypocrite: Anyone who stands for traditional values, or works in a traditionally male role, like a cop, fireman, cowboy is revealed to be a drunk, wife beater, or criminal. Because we all know that tradition is wrong. At least, that’s what Hollywood seems to think. (Similar to the Crazed Vet/Soldier).

Note to Hollywood: Just because you live in a messed-up social circle where being a drugged-out, back-stabbing phony is common, doesn’t mean that everyone else is like that. And just because you can’t be imaginative enough to make complex characters rather than clichés, doesn’t excuse you from your lameness. We know what you’re trying to do. You want to tear down the male in our culture. The creeps passing as lit professors at your college called it “deconstruction.” Remember that old joke that those who can’t do, teach? Our culture isn’t your urinal. We’re not interested in your daddy issues or your loyalty oath to the brainwashed counterculture. Like I said, the 70s are over. So is the 20th century. Get over it and start writing real people or find something else to do.

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8. Evil Republicans: What a surprise. All Republicans in movies or TV are evil. They’re all trying to cheat the public, start unnecessary wars, take away civil rights and turn the country into a fascist dictatorship. And, of course, it’s saintly Democrats who save the day.

Note to Hollywood: Do you even bother to educate yourself about the corruption going on out there? A lot of Democrats in the news lately aren’t exactly saintly themselves. And those who aren’t under investigation are busy trying to pass laws taking away more freedoms in the name of “saving us”. Gee, isn’t that what you claimed Bush was doing? If you think your party is the good guys and the Republicans the bad guys, no wonder so many of you are crazy. You’re bound for some massive disappointments in the next 4 years. While this will amuse those of us not blinded by your hubris, the fact is politicians of any party are our servants. Some of them forget that and they deserve our scorn. But your blind acceptance of one party, your blind hatred of the other, makes you one-dimensional hacks. We seek truth in our fiction, not propaganda. If you can’t deliver, McDonalds is always looking for burger flippers.

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9: Wise Trashy People: According to Hollywood: hookers, homeless and bizarre lifestyle people are the normal ones. They know what’s “really going on, man.” They’re just being honest. Everyone else is a freak. People who act normal are all depraved and sick. The suburbs are a place of spiritual death. The only truth lies in Bohemia.

Note to Hollywood: So, people who lead self destructive lives (as many of those listed above do, but not all) are wiser than those who try to lead responsible lives? Really? Based on what evidence? Have you ever flipped through the mugshots on sites like the Smoking Gun? Not a lot of “ordinary people” there. And not too many people I would accuse of being wise. Nope. Are you perhaps trying to tell us something about yourselves? Are you trying to rationalize your own freaky code? Or is it just another attempt to dump on traditional society and normalcy. We know that you seem to hate it. You certainly seem to have contempt for Middle America. Well, you’re asking for the same from us. Watch it.

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10. Flyover Losers: Hollywood says: Everyone in the middle or South of America are worthless, toothless, dumb-as-dirt, inbred hicks who may or may not be incestuous psycho killers who keep their deformed children chained in the basement and let them out to feed on any foolish coast dwellers who run out of gas near their house. Either that or they’re insane Bible-thumping Jesus Freaks who want to scream about the Lord and torture you in bizarre reenactments of Passion of the Christ.

Note to Hollywood: If you’ve read this far and haven’t learned anything you really are as stupid as the tropes described above. And probably as inbred and as crazy, so I don’t know what good it is lecturing you. Maybe I’ll just join the public and stop supporting anything with these abysmally lame, sub-literate, morally bankrupt caricatures.  You’re starting to look like a bad stereotype yourselves. And smell twice as rank. Clean up your act!