We all know and love the old classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “A Christmas Story.” Attaboy Clarence, yule shoot your eye out, all that good stuff. But when you’re absolutely hammered on eggnog and full of roast beast, you’re feeling a bit adventurous; you want something with some teeth, something that might draw blood the way little Ralphie just ain’t able to. Usually this is when you reach for the greatest Christmas film ever made, “Die Hard.” Or you might throw on the one that traumatized your kids, made them stop believing in Santa Claus, and subsequently caused them to resent you throughout their teenage years, “Gremlins.” Maybe you want a protagonist who is in the same mind-set you’re in, in which case you try to find that “Bad Santa” disc.

But you’ve seen all of those too many times, dammit. You’re drunk, belligerent, yet full of Christmas cheer (or maybe it’s just that six-pack of Shiner Cheer you just drank)! You want something FRESH! Something NEW! Something that’s gonna BLOW YOUR MIND all over the wall, just leaving more mess to clean up with the next morning’s holiday hangover. Well, my inebriated friend, you’re in luck, because I’m here to offer you some excellent alternatives.

1. Rare Exports

The newest film on this list, “Rare Exports” pulls off an impressive balancing act of having all the colorful look and vibe of a magical holiday film, while simultaneously freaking you out with its bizarre story. It’s the sort of “fairy tale for adults” that overcooked, over-hyped, nonsense like “Pan’s Labyrinth” wishes it could be. Whenever hacks describe a movie as a “fairy tale for adults,” it usually means the colors are sucked out so the stupid people in the back row know they’re supposed to take the movie seriously. Throw in some mean-spirited violence, and as usual, the critics fall all over it. “Rare Exports” doesn’t play that game. Instead it delivers a Christmas movie that is colorful and exciting, frightening yet warm.

Directed by Jalmari Helander, “Rare Exports” is a Finnish flick takes place in a village that depends on herding Reindeer around Christmas for their annual income, but the Reindeer are all found slaughtered. The locals suspect that a mysterious nearby mountain excavation has something to do with it, and soon the local children start inexplicably disappearing. Believing that the purpose of the excavation was to dig up a malevolent creature that formed the basis of the idea for Santa Claus, the hunters decide to capture and ransom the old man back to the company that wants him so badly.  Unbeknownst to them, the strange old man they’re holding prisoner has a few freaky surprises in store to shake things up. (more…)

Don’t let the unwatchable sequels diminish how imaginative and heartfelt the original was. And though I’m not a big fan of Tim Allen’s film choices of late, in the right role like this (and Galaxy Quest), he’s very good. Also going for The Santa Clause is a perfectly cast Judge Reinhold, the hottest of all hot moms, Wendy Crewson, some terrific special effects, a warm Christmas spirit and, uhm, well, Wendy Crewson.

Most of the credit, however, belongs to the screenwriters who seized upon the beloved and well known story of Santa Claus and turned it into an original story that still very much respects what came before. The Santa Clause doesn’t rewrite or deconstruct, it builds upon the legend basing itself on all those lingering unanswered questions, such as: How does Santa fit down the chimney? How does Santa visit every home in one night?  It’s a genius premise and don’t forget that the divorced-dad-who-learns-how-to-be-a-better-father comedy wasn’t as tired and played out in 1994 as it is today. (more…)

That’s right, a 1979 television movie starring The Fonz as Ebenezer Scrooge is ranked ahead of White Christmas. (Or, if you’re younger than a hundred, the Coach in “The Waterboy.”)

I have nothing to say in my defense and await your wrath.

Well, I do have one thing to say: Henry Winkler is a marvelously talented and underrated actor, and any opportunity to boost his Winkler-ness I’m taking. See also: Night Shift (1982) and an under-appreciated masterpiece called The One And Only (1978).  

Besides, Adam Sandler loves the guy. You want to argue with that?

Other than The Disco Ghost of Christmas Past, shifting the Dickens’ classic from Victorian England to Depression-era New England was an inspired idea that adds a nice spin to the story’s familiar template. Though the characters are given Americanized names (Scrooge becomes Slade), they’re all there including a very effective Tiny Tim. Another terrific spin is making the child Scrooge/Slade an orphan after the death of his parents. This added subplot not only helps to explain why Slade whould grow into a lonely old miser but adds something different and effective to his Christmas day reformation. (more…)

This big-budget musical is yet another not terribly great movie that makes the list for two reasons. The first is a personal memory.

A hundred years ago, the day before Christmas break began, an English teacher pulled my entire freshman class out of school and bussed the lot of us down to the local 79-cent theater for a screening of Scrooge.  Besides everyone getting excited over seeing Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness plays Marley), what I remember most about the movie is that after it was over, as we exited the theatre, the whole class burst out singing and dancing the film’s infectious “Thank You Very Much,” as we filed onto the bus … and we kept singing the whole way back to school. 

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I can still smell wet rubber boots, feel the cold green vinyl seat beneath me, and sense that ball of Christmas excitement in my stomach — you know, the one that gets smaller as you get older… 

My second soft spot for Scrooge is due to how effectively it portrays Ebenezer’s regret and heartbreak over losing the love of his life to his own ambition. That’s always been my favorite part of the timeless Dickens’ classic, and it gets me every time in all the screen realizations, but especially this one. You really feel for the old guy here, and as opposed to presenting this loss as just another episode in a wasted life, you get the sense of the permanent impact this mistake had — how it was Scrooge’s emotional point of no return. (more…)