Qualcomm’s combined leftist ideology and male bashing in its two ads featuring a guy who is “spineless” and a heavy political video montage by Obama idolater Will.i.am. I guess his stage name is supposed to be clever but it makes me think he was just raised on a little too much Dr. Seuss. Can you imagine the flack a company would get if it let Ann Coulter or Glenn Beck produce a video montage for its Super Bowl commercial? Watch the above clip for visuals of everything from Castro to Al Gore “winning” Florida.

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When Audi’s “Green Police” ad showing government environmental cops arresting people for violating the planet first came on I thought it was a PSA for the Obama administration EPA policies. It wasn’t. Seems as long as you are driving an Audi diesel you are on the right side of the environmental fascists, for now!

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Bud Light’s corporate image of the American male is almost as low as the tech world’s view of women. Guys are beer swilling lay-abouts who will do just about anything to down a few Buds. If their ads were close to being funny I could let it go for the joke, but they were not. Thanks for that uplifting picture of male behavior.

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Once again this year the people who run “Go Daddy” got their pole dancing girl friends a gig on national TV.  I am beginning to think that GoDaddy.com’s ad agency is run by Larry Flynt. Their banned “Lola” ad about an NFL player who comes out of the closet to design ladies lingerie was on the level of a bad SNL skit (like there’s any other kind). They weren’t the only advertiser to get in on the sophomoric heavy sexual overtones bandwagon.

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Monster.com’s ad entitled “Beavers” was perhaps the most shockingly bad outing of the evening. It ends with some inferred bestiality. Hey, it’s a “beaver,” get it. Ha-ha he said, “Beaver!” Cut to people who are unemployed and using Monster to search for a job rolling on the ground laughing hysterically. Maybe that’s why they’re unemployed. Why do these two web firms continue to run this type of advertising? Maybe they have research that shows only mouth-breathing troglodytes use their websites. Maybe all tech firms are run by really nerdy guys who have never lost their virginity. I am at a loss to explain this trend. 

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E Trade has been running its campaign of computer enhanced talking baby ads for a few years now and they had a couple of cute ads especially one where a boy baby was talking on a video link to his girl baby-friend. The whole concept is getting a little predictable although it still has a high “cute” factor. Still, I don’t know how many multimillion dollar investors move their accounts to E Trade because of the funny “milk-a-holic” line.

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The best single ad was a promo for “The Late Show with David Letterman.” Building on another ad Dave had done with Oprah Winfrey. The ad opens with Dave complaining that he is at the worst Super Bowl party ever. The camera pulls back to reveal Oprah sitting next to him trying to sooth his feelings and then pans to show Jay Leno sitting next to Oprah. Jay says’ “He’s just saying that ‘cause I’m here.”  Then Dave mocks Jay’s reply and an exasperated Oprah throws her hands in the air! Hilarious! It also shows that above all Jay and Dave are comics who put the funny about personal differences and even their own shows.

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I loved the Abe Vigoda/Betty White spot for Snickers but my award for the best corporate spots goes to Doritos. For the past several years the folks at Doritos have not hired a big dollar ad firm but have run a national video competition which has produced a steady stream of funny innovative commercials. By unleashing the unfettered creative power of 300 million Americans to get their Super Bowl ads, the Frito-Lay Corporation has been one of the top rated Super Bowl advertisers and has richly rewarded those willing to do the work. Perhaps the Obama Administration should take notice.

…reporting live on this historic occasion.  A crisis of epic proportions may have been averted…by an invitation from the White House to simply sit down …and have a beer.  This creatively innovative and charmingly elegant President has thrown the old book out and is writing his own.  It’s the audacity of hope and change we can believe in.  It’s a new deal and a new dawning of how business gets done today – over beers.  It has been hinted by White House sources that if today’s summit goes well, possibly other summits may be in the offing.  My source in the Administration said a possible Vodka Fest with Vladimir Putin, a Hookah Pipe Sit-Down with Ahmadinejad, and even a Sake/Mao-tai/RiceCake pow wow with Kim Jong-Il are being floated as of this broadcast with the State Department, Keith Olbermann and Oprah Winfrey.

And now, the President’s helicopter has landed.  The President’s contingent of roughly three thousand security personnel are assuming their perimeters, extension perimeters and contingency perimeters.

Sgt. Crowley and Professor Gates await the President beside the picnic table arranged for this seminal benchmark in race relations in America.

The beer is on ice – a large keg bearing the Presidential Seal.

And finally, President Obama emerges from the helicopter… now he salutes the Marine guard… and, following his entourage of executive security, walks through the park and approaches the bench.  The President’s gate appears regal…yet relaxed.

Now Professor Gates walks forward to greet him.  The President takes his hand… bows down to him, as is the President’s custom…and now… they…they seem to be doing an extensive ‘brother’ handshake and shoulder bump.  Now a hip bump…both sides…and the booty wiggle and strut…fist bumps and finger snaps…crotch grab, that’s a new one…and finally they seem to be done.

And now the President turns to Sgt. Gates and offers a formal handshake.  Could that be construed as a ‘white-man’s handshake’?  You make the call.  And now…the President is saying something to Sgt. Crowley…he’s apparently impressed Crowley showed up with his own beer.  Let’s see if we can get a boom mic in to hear…

Sgt. Crowley – “…and I don’t know, sir…my mom always told me ‘never show up to a party empty-handed,’ so…

The President laughs and claps him on the back.

President Obama – “Classic!  Could you be any whiter?”

Sgt. Crowley – “Ha ha..well…blame it on my mom.”

Prof. Gates – “Yo Mama.”

Sgt. Crowley – “Yes, that’s right.”

Prof. Gates – “Budweiser.  Fool didn’t even bring Stella Artois.  You show up with Bud.  You just assume ‘cause I’m a Black man in America that I drink Bud?  That’s racist!”

Sgt. Crowley appears to look on with some confusion.

Prof. Gates – “I suppose you ‘spected me to bring a forty?  Of what, Colt-45?  You think I gonna drink a malt liquor?  That’s racist!”

Sgt. Crowley is popping open a Bud and.. just shaking his head.

President Obama – “Gentlemen – can we all take a picture together?  Shaking hands?”

The three men are now posing together… Crowley and Gates, beaming for the camera in a handclasp… the President standing behind them… a hand on each shoulder.  Truly, a Sadat/Begin/Carter Middle East Peace Accord moment.  The cameras are flashing a fusillade of strobes.   Oh…the history in the making…a thrill up all our legs!  And this reporter is quite certain …a Nobel Peace Prize waiting in the wings of his legacy.

President Obama – “Sgt. Crowley, I still can’t get over you bringing a six-pack!”

Prof. Gates – “Now wait a second, here, Mr. President.  I coulda brought beer.  I didn’t bring nothing cuz I assumed, being an invitation of the White House, that beer would be provided.”

President Obama – “As indeed we have.  Gentlemen!”

On a cue from the President, now the Executive Staff rush in and pour beers for the Professor and the President, while apparently Sgt. Crowley is staying with his Bud.

It seems the Professor is hesitating…

Prof. Gates – “Is that Stella?  I only drink Stella.”

President Obama – “Of course it’s Stella.  I’m the President of the United States of America.”

Sgt. Crowley – “Thanks, I’ve got a Bud.”

The President is taking a seat at the picnic table alongside the Professor, opposite Sgt. Crowley.  The President just sipped his beer.  He smacked his lips and beamed his famous smile, in clear executive pleasure.  Oh my… he has never looked more commanding!

President Obama – “Nothing like a nice beer on a hot summer day.”

Sgt. Crowley – “I agree, Mr. President.”

Prof. Gates – “True dat.”

And now…oh yes.   I was worried, but there they are.  The Executive Assistants are being careful to remain just out of camera frame as they set up the Presidential Teleprompters on either side of the President.

Sgt. Crowley is looking a bit…dubious… obviously overwhelmed by the grandeur of the moment…but he says nothing.

And now…ladies and gentlemen…the President of the United States of America –

President Obama – (reading, turning to the left…then the right)  “So, I’m glad we could come together here in this beautiful park on this momentous occasion to mark the turning point in global race relations.  The symbolism of this one important act will resound throughout history.  And I think we have some pretzels.”

The security force is producing several bowls of pretzels now…

Prof. Gates – “Are those Roll-Gold?  I only eat Roll-Gold.”

Sgt. Crowley – “Thank you, Mr. President.”

President Obama – “Now.  I am hoping that on this historic occasion, we can at last and for all time, mend the broken fence of interracial relations.  We have the opportunity here to establish a global accord on this day…over beers…to cement a new understanding between races of tolerance and understanding and brotherhood.  And can we top off those beers for you guys?”

Sgt. Crowley is declining still sticking with his first Budweiser as Prof. Gates accepts a refill.  I’m not sure at this point if it’s a political point the police officer is making here, a strategic ‘line-in-the-sand,’ or if…he simply prefers Bud to Stella.

And now…as the camera dollies in tight on the President as A and B camera get isolated B-roll shots of Professor Gates’ and Sgt. Crowley’s reactions to the President…

President Obama – (reading from teleprompter)  “As you know, this recent controversy in Cambridge got many people up in arms, thinking that possibly the police in general, the Cambridge police department specifically, and you, Sgt. Crowley, even more specifically were at fault for the incident by racial profiling.”

Prof. Gates – “Racism, straight up.  I been disenfranchised.”

President Obama – “And I’m willing to concede, now having examined the facts of the incident more closely, that there may have been an over-reaction on both parties involved.”

Sgt. Crowley – “Mr. President, first of all, thank you for this gracious invitation to meet with you and Professor Gates.  I appreciate the Holiday Inn accommodations as well as the bus ticket to get here.  But I must say that I don’t myself understand how this all got so out of hand.  I received the call, acted in accordance with department policy, and that’s all.  I simply did my job.”

Prof. Gates – “Does your job include tearing a man out of his own home and victimizing yet another African-American who just wants to exercise his rights to be a free Black man in America?  The honorable Martin Luther King marched for that, he died for that.  Does Selma, Alabama ring a bell?  Four hundred years of oppression!  Racial profiling amongst the police is epidemic!  Kunte Kinte knows what I’m talking about.  And may I have a refill?  And, Mr. President, have you got some spicy mustard for the pretzels?”

Sgt. Crowley – “Professor, respectfully – race had absolutely nothing to do with your arrest.  The woman who reported the incident, who made the 911 call, is now being called a racist, and that is not fair.  She was doing her civic duty to the community in what she perceived to be a break-in to your house.”

Prof. Gates – “Breaking in to my own house!  A black man in America, of course, I’m a criminal!  You racial profiling!  All you whites do that!  Yo mama do that!  Attica!  Attica!!”

President Obama – “Now, Professor Gates, I’m sure that that’s not true.  I don’t believe that Sgt. Crowley’s mother was even in the vicinity at the time.”

Sgt. Crowley – “No, Mr. President, she surely was not.”

Prof. Gates – “Y’all like to do that on the po-po.  You see Black, you think ‘criminal.’  As an expert on Black history, Black inter-community relations, Black struggle psychology, and organizing Black blackness, I am offended and insulted the way the police and you, Sgt. Crowley, and yo mama, have victimized me and my brothers and sisters for four hundred years.”

Sgt. Crowley – “What??  I’ve…only lived here for…”

Prof. Gates – “And I’ll tell you one more thing.  This whole thing is indicative of what the Black man face on a daily basis, victimized and held down by the white extablishment.

President Obama – “But Professor…I’m the establishment now.  I’m President of the United States of America.  Me.  A Black Man.  With a rich cultural heritage.”

Prof. Gates – “Well, you half-way there.  Say man, can I get some Gray Poupon?  I like that Gray Poupon, that French stuff.  You got some of that?”

President Obama – “Can we get some Gray Poupon for the Professor?  Now, back to our summit here.  As you know…racial tensions in this country have run high, primarily due to my predecessor, George W. Bush.  He not only handed me an economy in shambles, he handed me a powder keg of racial tensions.  But with my election, I brought you the hope and change we need.”

Prof. Gates – “Speaking of change, I need to change my room at the Four Seasons.  Too close to the elevator, can’t hear my movies.  Can you handle that, Mr. President?”

President Obama – “Can we get somebody on that?  Can we get the Professor a new room?”

Prof. Gates – “Oh, and I got a frequent flyer number here, too.  I want credit for those miles.”

President Obama – “Yes, sir, we will make sure you get credit for the flights.”

Prof. Gates – “Do they give double credit for first class?  I heard they give double credit for first class.”

President Obama – “I can assure you, Professor.  We will look into that and get back to you.”

Sgt. Crowley – “Sir, again, I want to thank you for inviting me to meet with you and the Professor.  And I must say this – the police have a very difficult job.  And sure, there are occasionally some bad apples in the mix, but this is not the norm.  Our department at Cambridge has only the highest of professional and ethical standards.  We’re not asking for an apology.  We just need to have these accusations of racism stop.  We are not racists.  The woman who reported the incident is not a racist.  I am not a racist.”

Prof. Gates – “Yo mama.”

Sgt. Crowley – “And my mother is not a racist.”

Prof. Gates – “Yo mama, yo daddy, yo bald-headed granny.”

President Obama – “Gentlemen…and I think I speak now for the sentiments of the American people.  Can we..can w-we…can we just get along?”

Now the President reaches into his pocket…and pulls out…coins of some sort…

President Obama – “Okay, now… Who wants to play ‘Quarters’?

Oh wait a minute…it seems Sgt. Crowley is standing…is he going to leave?

Sgt. Crowley – “I have to get back to Cambridge, sir.  I have to catch my bus.  Thanks once again, and you can keep the Bud.”

Sgt. Crowley is shaking the President’s hand …and now he turns to shake the Professors hand…oh!  The Professor… just waved off the sergeant… oh Diss!   The sergeant simply shrugs and walks away to his awaiting taxi.  It seemed rather…I don’t know…’above-it-all’…  Not exactly the posture of a man intent in proving he’s not a racist, wouldn’t you say?

The President is now bouncing coins into his beer mug.

The professor seems distracted as he dips his pretzel into some mustard.

Prof. Gates – “Is this dijon?  I only eat dijon mustard.”

…Back to you in the studio…

Look at his life. Borgnine was born to Italian immigrant parents in 1917, spent 10 years in the Navy, including all of World War II, then bummed around as a second string character actor for another decade before snagging an Oscar in his first major role. The closest thing to life experience one of today’s stars has is a three week stint at $5,000-a-day rehab resort getting seaweed facials and talking about how his daddy never told him he loved him during group therapy while secretly gobbling the vicodins he smuggled in inside the liner of his Louis Vuitton cosmetics case.

You want retro cool? Forget posers like George Clooney and his pathetic attempts to relive the Old School dream with his Ocean movies, skinny ties and succession of cocktail waitress girlfriends. Ernest Borgnine is a 33rd Scottish Rite Mason, was in From Here to Eternity with Frank Sinatra, and was married to Ethel Merman. He married Ethel Merman! Try and top that for retro cool, George. Borgnine not only founded the Old School but is a Professor Emeritus.

What are his politics? Who knows? While his most recent political contribution was to George W. Bush in 2004, Borgnine comes from a time when actors concentrated on acting. He is very active in supporting Navy veterans, but you won’t hear him spouting off about his specific views. He’s a generic patriot – there’s probably a yellow ribbon on the back of his Caddy (you just know he drives a Cadillac) and anyone he sees messing with the flag can probably expect to feel one of those meaty Borgnine paws hard across his pie hole.

But can he act? Hell yes. There is that aforementioned Academy Award for 1955’s Marty. Marty is the heartbreaking story of a homely 30-ish meat cutter and his delicate romance with a plain-Jane schoolteacher. Borgnine is fearless as Marty, lashing out at his own looks and his inability to connect with women in a way no modern star ever could or would. It is a brave performance in a way you simply do not see today, and a performance that is a credit to both Borgnine’s talent and lack of ego.

Marty is about real people and real love, but if it were remade today – and lacking either vampires or a graphic novel pedigree it never would be – you can just imagine the Hollywood weasels’ notes:

Instead of this lonely butcher thing, which is a downer, how about making Marty a swinging TV reporter looking for The One?…And can we rename him Gavin? And let’s make the girl a model – is Kate Hudson busy? We’ll need a non-threatening gay friend for her. And let’s get Gerard Butler as Marty, I mean Gavin. Awesome. I think these changes are really going to test well.

Borgnine’s ten minute supporting role as the general who gives Lee Marvin his suicide mission at the beginning of The Dirty Dozen is like a master’s class in acting. In just a few minutes, he shifts from deadly serious to comic and back while holding his own against arguably the toughest guy ever on screen. Watch his face and his expressions and reactions, then compare his technique to that of today’s actors, whose “performances” seem to consist largely of them standing there staring vacuously and radiating their unnatural beauty. No contest.

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Ernest Borgnine has been in classic Westerns like The Wild Bunch and Bad Day at Black Rock, got capsized in the original Poseidon Adventure and even showed up on SpongeBob SquarePants. Sometimes he was a maybe bit too versatile – this Italian-American portrayed “Ragnar” in The Vikings. Still, he epitomizes the concept of the working actor, with roles ranging from big budget films to parts in what only one grading on a generous curve would label as B movies. He’s had several TV series and a ton of guest shots, including a part in the finale of ER and a memorable appearance in a classic episode of The Simpsons. And if you check out his IMDB site, you’ll find over 200 entries and see that he has three more movies coming out. The dude is 92!

You can have the soulless, polished Berluti loafers that are the stars of today – I’ll take the scuffed character of the old bowling shoes reeking of spilled Budweiser and the feet of a hundred guys with names like Sal and Bob that is Ernest Borgnine.