Well, I’m four chapters into this series and I’m ready to cheat. Why? The 1984 Nominees for Best Picture:

Places in the Heart
A Soldier’s Story
A Passage to India
The Killing Fields
Amadeus

At the risk of sounding like a Philistine, those…are not movies. They’re films.

Places in the Heart, well, I like it, I really really like it – or wait, do I? Or was that The River that I liked? Or Country? Seriously, a tri-fecta of depressing farm movies? A Soldier’s Story is noteworthy for unleashing Denzel on the world, but the movie is fairly burdened with self-importance. I cannot recall one instance, one single moment, in my life, when I have ever had even a hint of desire to see A Passage to India. On the other hand, I remember wanting to seem smart and making my dad take me to see The Killing Fields. I get it, it’s important, but daaaaaaaamn, they might as well have had a warning, “You will neither need nor want popcorn while watching this movie.” Amadeus is more accessible and more fun than I, at 13, ever imagined it would be, but still, it ain’t no movie.

So, here’s the cheat. I’m not picking my favorite among these movies, er, films.

No, the Best Original Screenplay category, while itself lacking the awesomeness of Ghostbusters, Blood Simple, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8the Dimension, and/or Revenge of the Nerds, is nonetheless a much more fun category. Behold: (more…)

From: God<god@heaven.org>
Date: Sat, 4 Jul 2009 07:03:37 -0700 (PDT)
 
To: Woody<woody.allen@mischugana.com>
 
Subject: Your latest verkaktah film.
 
Dear Woody,
 
Would it kill you to pick up the phone and call your father once in a while?  That’s what happens with kids they get to smart for their own good and think they don’t need me.

And now, you come out with this “Whatever Works” film. What, you think that shemdrick Larry David who plays that louse Yellnikoff can out match me with a formula? Never happen! I created formulas. In one of his rants he tried to pull a fast one on the audience about Job. Yellnikoff whined that all that Job got for his piousness was suffering. So, why suffer? Right? Wrong. I was teaching Job how to be patient! Something you, Yellnikoff, and apparently that David character have never learned. (more…)