Yes – once again we are suffocated by the American assumption that what is lapped up by teenage girls is also lapped up by everyone else over fourteen.

This scares the Bieber out of me.

Because it’s true. We are what we eat. And last night we ate a pile of crap.

Don’t get me wrong. The Peas aren’t that awful. Beneath the autotune, the plastic surgery, the nursery rhyme lyrics and the costumes designed for incontinent robots, there exists a modicum of talent that seems almost Barbie-esque. Fergie’s voice is captivating, in a “maybe I should hire her for my bachelor party” sort of way.

But here’s my problem: over the last twenty years we’ve mistaken spectacle for entertainment – that by adding more people, lights, sound effects, explosions and fog machines – we think this camouflages banality, when it only accentuates it.

The decline of civilization is only THAT MUCH louder.

Yeah, I know I sound like a stupid old man with an swollen prostate and a tiny lawn.

But believe me, it’s time to pull back, strip it down, and realize we don’t need all this putrid pomp – when in fact just a dude, with a guitar, and some decent songs can do better.

You know who I’m talking about…

—–

Let me in, indeed.

And if you disagree with me, you’re worse than Kenneth Cole.

Killer show tonight:

Isiah Mustapha!

Jim Florentine!

Diane Macedo!

Fortunately, the liberal seasoning that flavors Hollywood’s narcissistic lunacy has yet to permeate mainstream American society. While the ideologues that control Hollywood (not to mention the media and university classrooms) make it seem as though ultra-leftism trumped conservatism in a battle lost long ago, a surprising new poll shows that the plurality of Americans still see themselves as politically conservative.

According to research from Gallup, when asked how they would classify their political views, 40% of Americans call themselves conservative. This compares to a mere 21% who claim to be politically liberal. An additional 35% – the second largest ideological subset – are self-proclaimed moderates.

In a nation comprised of such a diverse set of ideologies – not to mention the presence of a clear right-minded majority – one wonders why Hollywood banishes projects that promote family values or right-minded ideals, for that matter. This lack of diversity is a symptom of a greater problem: A one-mindedness and intolerance that permeates the industry at every level.

Hollywood types are so removed from the mainstream American sentiment that they refuse to fathom the possibility that opposing ideals exist. Just look at what occurred in the aftermath of this year’s Miss USA Pageant.

The now infamous Carrie Prejean was asked a politically-charged question by none other than gossip blogger and perpetual-big-baby Perez Hilton. When Hilton didn’t like Prejean’s answer (that she does not, indeed, support gay marriage) he went nuclear. Within hours, he released a video rant, calling Prejean a “stupid b*tch” among other sentiments. Then, he took to his blog, insulting her intelligence and continuing to fuel a controversy that did little to help either side of the gay marriage debate.

This is the same Perez Hilton who recently called Black Eyed Peas member Will.i.am a “faggot.” Aside from the hypocrisy present in this infuriating example (imagine what would have happened if some foolish conservative used that language), it can safely be stated that Hilton symbolizes all that is wrong with Hollywood (assuming you consider an obnoxious blogger with fuchsia hair a member of the Hollywood elite).

Somehow, it’s not okay for Carrie Prejean to answer a question with honesty, but it is okay for Hilton to use a word that many people in his own community would find extremely damaging. Of course, this is only one anecdotal example.  But, rest assured: There are plenty more.  Let’s not forget Janeane Garofalo’s opinion of the Tea Party protesters.  Here’s what the gem had to say:

It’s not about bashing Democrats, it’s not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don’t know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up. That is nothing but a bunch of tea-bagging rednecks. And there is no way around that.

Someone get Garofalo a newspaper. Stat. Tea Party protesters are railing against unprecedented government spending that will surely endanger America’s future. If she took a moment to put down the granola and adjust her bifocals, maybe she’d understand that being against the president, for most, has nothing to do with his race and everything to do with his idiotic fiscal policy.

And then there’s Cher, who recently said:

…I just don’t understand how anyone would want to be a Republican. I just can’t figure it. I don’t understand.  If you’re poor, if you’re any kind of minority – gay, black, Latino, anything…If you’re not a rich, born-again Christian, I don’t get it.

Last but not least comes Madonna (who just screams “family values”). During the 2008 campaign, she used a photo montage during one of her performances to compare John McCain to Hitler. In Madonna’s world, she’s the hero, while McCain – a man who suffered years of brutal torture for his nation’s sanctity – is the villain. Go figure.

Why can’t people like Hilton, Garofalo, Cher and Madonna simply be good liberals and accept – as their self-professed doctrine would ask them to – that Americans have unique perspectives and life experiences? Surely, they don’t have to agree with we “rednecks,” but shouldn’t they, at the least, have the common decency to respect ideological diversity?

The answer is, yes. The reality is, until they experience what it means to be an everyday, hardworking American, it’ll never happen.

Mario Lavandeira, the mean-spirited impresario behind the celebrity-obsessed mega-Web site PerezHilton.com, was left scratching his pink-tinged pompadour last week, wondering aloud in a campy cry-baby YouTube classic why, after being physically assaulted in public, he is now universally scorned and widely considered the villain of an incident that left him appropriately “black eyed.”

Aside from the basic rules of karma, here’s why: The calculus of political correctness is like roshambo, the “rock-paper-scissors” game. Different identity groups hold specific levels of power over others when their battles play out in the media. To wit: Black beats white. Gay beats white. Black beats gay.

Don’t ask why. It just is.

For those not paying attention to this tawdry tale, Mr. Lavandeira, aka Perez Hilton and the self-proclaimed “Queen of All Media,” referred to Will.I.Am, the black frontman of the platinum-selling Black Eyed Peas, by an anti-gay slur at an after-party of the MuchMusic Awards in Canada.

This interlude was born of the L.A.-based hip hop trio’s displeasure over critical comments about their recent album on the Perez Hilton Web site. The affair later culminated in the band’s black manager, Polo Molina, reportedly slugging Mr. Lavandeira after an evening of silly ego- skirmishes between the two parties.

Even though it is obviously worse to punch someone in the face than to hurl an inartful slur, Mr. Lavandeira made the fatal mistake of choosing to verbally berate a man with darker skin than he. By the next day, the event was publicized around the world and Will.I.Am and Mr. Molina were being universally treated as heroes.

What Mr. Lavandeira does on his Web site goes beyond satire or biting criticism. It is cruelty of the worst kind. No taunt or insult is too low. Using primitive drawing skills, he and his crew even scrawl vulgar pictures on the faces of their victims.

If you feel dirty reading this, imagine how I feel writing it. But the deed of pushing “Perez Hilton” off the public stage is a necessary one. And we must do it as a united rainbow: Black, white, gay, Hispanic, transgendered, Republican, Democrat, celebrity, Eskimo and Aleut alike.

One major celebrity follower, and a celebrity in her own right, refused to go on the record to describe her deep concerns about Perez Hilton.

You can read the column in full here.