Tonight on “Red Eye”!

Chris Barron

Tucker Carlson

Mahsa Saeidi-Azcuy!

For over three years now, Greg Gutfeld, TV’s own Andy Levy, Bill Schulz, Pinch, a myriad of fascinating guests from all walks of life, and the Leg Chair, have been producing the best news/satire/interview/comedy show on television. It’s an hour of cool, funny, irreverent, intelligent and informative entertainment, but … it airs at three in the morning. And yet, “Red Eye not only has as dedicated a following as anything on television right now, it’s also been known to pull in more viewers than CNN’s primetime … at three in the morning.

Furthermore, we live in a world where popular entertainment culture rules as much as the news, where Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, and SNL can help to set the national debate and steer the political narrative as much if not more than political newsmakers. Fox News grabbing a piece of this only makes sense from a business, influence and ratings point of view, but for those of us tired of the Hollywood left owning almost every square inch of this valuable turf, having “Red Eye’s” conservative-to-libertarian ideas penetrating this world would be a real breath of fresh air.

There is an untapped market here, somewhere in the, oh, 50% range.

Since 2007, night after night, those of us dedicated to the show have all seen what the Red Eye crew can do with a newspaper puppet, virtual robots, paper unicorns, a full-time ombudsmen (that would be TV’s Andy Levy), and … did we mention the Leg Chair? The talent and ability to sustain a quality show with what must be a budget smaller than whatever Jon Stewart spends on goatee consultants, is not in question, and there’s no reason that same talent and dedication can’t make a successful transition to primetime.

For you “Red Eye” fans worried about what fixing something that currently ticks like a Swiss watch might do to your favorite show, we get that. We also get that a move to a primtime slot would obviously mean changes to the show and change isn’t always good. But keep in mind that Fox News is very, very good at what they do and so is the “Red Eye” gang.

America deserves an alternative to the the Stewarts and Mahers and Lettermans and Tina Feys, and we all know that in a just pop culture world it would be Greg Gutfeld accepting the Mark Twain Prize next year.

“Red Eye” is currently the best kept secret in the world of political satire and we think the time to share that secret has arrived.

The petition is below. Please sign away you signing petition signers, uhm, signatories– See what we mean? There’s only one Greg Gutfeld.

SIGN THE PETITION TO GET GREG GUTFELD ON FOX:

Red Eye is hosted by Greg Gutfeld. Greg is so smart he makes Stephen Hawking look like Janet Napolitano at a national security press briefing.

Gutfeld’s sidekick is Bill Schulz. Bill is so funny he could make a femur seem humerus.

And finally, there’s TV’s Andy Levy, a guy so sharp that he blunts the knife in Charlie Sheen’s hand.

Welcome to the world of Red Eye, television’s last best hope for topical late night comedy.

In case you missed it, a report from Mediaite last fall said more people watch Red Eye on FOX at 3 AM than CNN’s prime time show at 8 PM.

“Red Eye averaged 432,000 total viewers and 202,000 in the demo. Let’s deal with the demo first – CNN’s 8pm ET show, hosted by Campbell Brown, averaged 191,000 in the demo. Let’s just let that one sink in – Fox News had more people in the all important A25-54 demographic watching their channel at three in the morning (east coast time) than CNN had for the show that leads off their prime time. This says as much about Fox News as it does about CNN. Wow.”

Wow, indeed. Red Eye goes everywhere late night comedy is supposed to go. A place where few late night comedy shows have dared to tread since a certain inauguration in January of 2009 when Andrew Breitbart wrote:

“In an era of extreme political correctness, when almost everyone is offended by almost everything, and with self-appointed advocacy groups organized to find offense on behalf of almost everyone – offensively, without the majority in the group’s consent – it’s nice to know that there’s a place to go where everyone can be offended almost all of the time.”

Red Eye has a noticeable libertarian streak and according to Wikipedia, Gutfeld, Schulz and Levy are all libertarians. While Wikipedia’s accuracy is questionable, I am absolutely sure that Greg Gutfeld deserves the 2009 award for libertarian quote of the year. During an interview with Reason TV last May, Gutfeld quipped:

“I became a conservative by being around liberals. I became a libertarian by being around conservatives.”

Last week, Greg mentioned that tonight, New Year’s Eve, Red Eye will air a special program at 12:30 am eastern time featuring some of the show’s favorite guests. I’m hoping for a mud wrestling match between S.E. Cupp and Ann Coulter.

I also have a suggestion for a 2010 Red Eye ratings bonanza in eight simple words: Tonight, Red Eye with special guest Charles Krauthammer.

Think of the comedic potential.

Now, I’m no fan of hate. Hate in all forms is ugly, even when performed by beautiful people (that’s a shout out to Stephanie Von Pratt, who turned me down for my senior prom). But here’s what I don’t get: If I kill someone, I’m a killer. But hate crime law says that I also broke a new law, one that has to do with my thoughts when I committed said crime.

So it’s a thought crime more than a hate crime. Which begs the question: How can a thought be against the law?

Now I can barely read, so I don’t want to get too deep into this, but if I were to kill my co-host Bill Schulz, whether I hated him or not, that’s a crime. But, if we find out later that he was a sequential hermaphrodite, one might say it could be a hate crime.

I don’t get that at all.

What of terrorists? Does the fact that they hate us make their crimes worse? Not to them; punishment is meaningless. Which is the real truth about hate, anyway: Hate crime laws won’t stop hate or crime. It’s an after-the-fact gesture that does nothing to stop evil.

Even more, focusing on the killer’s outlook diminishes the victim. It’s no longer Bill Schulz is dead, but “Bill Schulz, the sequential hermaphrodite, is dead.”

Humanity should come before identity. We need to see people as people, not as part of groups. We know bigotry is bad. But murder in any form is so substantially worse, that it needs no footnote.

And if you disagree with me, then you’re probably racist.

Tonight we’ve got a humdinger of a show!

-Courtney Friel (in costume)

-S.E. Cupp (not sure)

-Ron Geraci

-Dr. Michael Baden (a special Halloween edition)

-my mom!

Awesome beer chugging contest yesterday, in case you missed it. Bill won. Norm lost. Kind of amazing.

Tonight’s Guests: 

Rick Leventhal!

Jill Dobson!

Congressman McCotter!

Dr. Michael Baden!

Careening between train wreck and brilliance (often within the same five minute segment), “Red Eye” has been providing necrophilia jokes and toilet humor alongside serious political commentary and biting social satire for over two years now. In fact, “Red Eye,” which airs nightly at 3:00 am on Fox News, recently celebrated its 500th show. In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to address those poor unfortunate viewers who have yet to tune in, and inform them why they need to start warming up their TiVos like, NOW! people.

The ringleader is Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim U.K and Men’s Health magazines. His cohorts include Bill Schulz (the best side-kick since Andy Richter) and droll and dreary ombudsman Andy Levy. This crew is rounded out nightly by a rotating rogue’s gallery of bloggers, comedians, news anchors, beauty queens, medical examiners, rockers, freaks, and former C.I.A. agents. Oh, and Gutfeld’s mom.

The beauty of this ever simmering stew is you never know how it’s going to go down – sometimes it warms the belly, and sometimes you gag on the mix (Nutmeg?! In stew?!). You find ostensibly serious people being unexpectedly hilarious (Michigan Congressman Thaddeus McCotter’s fierce, young-Mr. Burns-visage belies a devastating Don Rickles wit), and ostensibly funny people addressing serious subjects – all with wildly varying success.

“Red Eye” is like a great punk song – individually the instruments are out of tune and none of the musicians have the slightest clue what they’re doing. But somehow it all comes together in a life-affirming vortex of awesomeness that makes you bang your head and pump your fist and thank God that the Ramones were too stupid and too smart to do anything else.

But “Red Eye” is not a punk song – it is a television show.  Its sire is not the Ramones, but Steve Allen (R.I.P.), a mantle once picked up and gloriously carried by David Letterman, before he got infected with namby-pamby liberalism and I-know-what’s-best-for-you paternalism.

“Red Eye” will have none of that, and as a consequence is both the most daring and disgusting hour on the air. The “Red Eye” crew act like they are not even aware that they are on television half the time; or at least, they act like they are acting like that, and that is their genius.

So the question is not really “Is there a stranger show on television?” to which the answer is manifestly no. The question is “Is there a better show on television?”

Yes, frequently. But watch anyway. We’d hate for these boys to have to get real jobs.

Matt Patterson is a columnist and commentator whose work has appeared in The Washington Examiner, The Baltimore Sun, Townhall, and Pajamas Media. He is the author of “Union of Hearts: The Abraham Lincoln & Ann Rutledge Story.” His email is mpatterson.column@gmail.com.