For my actor friends, though, there was a bit more trepidation.  After all, they were the actual celebrities on this celebrity tour, the ones people would want to meet.  I doubt they are alone.  In fact, I suspect that a big reason why more actors in Hollywood don’t volunteer their time with the USO is that they simply don’t know what the experience will be like.  Sure they’ve seen video of Bob Hope out entertaining crowds of troops, but as an actor, you don’t carry your show on the road.  Will the troops even care that you are there?  What will you have to offer them?  Is it uncomfortable?  Is it political?  Fortunately for me, the actors in my party decided to give it a try in spite of these questions.  Here is what we learned.

For the actor, the USO offers an alternative to its live music and comedy shows.  It is the Hollywood Handshake Tour, and it’s just what it sounds like.  Actors meet the troops, eat with them, take pictures with them, sign autographs for them, and thank them for their service to Uncle Sam.  Oh, and they shake their hands.  If we were worried that this would seem insignificant compared to a live performance show, that worry was quickly dispelled.  The troops simply could not have been more gracious and welcoming.  None of the actors wanted to seem pretentious (they were there to show their gratitude to the troops, not to posture or promote anything), but to our surprise, the lines at each event were hundreds of people deep.  People literally gave up part of their day to wait for the chance to shake hands with the actors, and get this, to thank them for coming.  That people sacrificing so much for us would turn around and thank us for the simple “sacrifice” of getting to be in their company left us all speechless, but then, these soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines are just the finest, most decent people on earth.

As far as the comfort level, when we arrived at the airport, we were greeted by our USO tour manager, whose job was to make sure we had everything we needed and were always where we needed to be.  All of the international travel was business class on civilian planes, although some of the inner-theater travel is military.  In our case, that meant getting to fly out to sea on a COD and actually LAND ON THE DECK OF A FREAKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER!  Again, speechless…

In Bahrain, we were put up in a beautiful, high-end hotel, and in addition to our tour manager, both a local guide and a military liaison met us.  Add to that our USO supplied photographer and we were really left to want for nothing.  In Djibouti, our accommodations were less ornate, but still extremely comfortable.  Our liaison, Karen, picked us up from the airport and took us to our private lodgings on the base.  We stayed in a variant of the same CLUs (Containerized Living Units), basically large shipping containers partitioned into two-bedroom, air-conditioned apartments that the troops stay in.  The food was all great, the AC was always cold, and a man sleeps soundly knowing that the United States Army is guarding the gates.

It is also worth noting that you never feel your time is being squandered, other than perhaps when you are waiting for flights at international airports.  When we weren’t participating in the scheduled events with the troops, we were dropping in on parts of the base we weren’t scheduled to see.  A trip to the medical facility, or the base fire department, a quick tour of the flight-line and a chance to sit in a C-130…  The days are full and meaningful.  Plus, the MWR (Morale, Welfare, and Recreation) teams always want you to experience some of the culture that the troops experience as well, which in our case meant a trip to the Grand Mosque in Bahrain, an audience with a village chief in Africa, and a brief time volunteering at an orphanage where our service members devote so much of their free time to the children that the nuns who oversee the facility literally can’t accommodate all of them.

Finally, let me address the question of politics.  Several actors may have questions like, “What if I support the troops, but not the war they are fighting?”  My answer is simple– keep your opinions to yourself.  The troops do.  In fact, not one person, from the civilian cooks, to the enlisted men and women, the officers, or even the Admiral we met made a single unsolicited political comment.  Americans in uniform serve the National Command Authority.  When they get their orders, they perform with a level of skill and professionalism that is without equal.  In short, no matter what the politics of the individual soldier, they are professionals.  You may or may not agree with their orders, they may or may not agree with them, but they aren’t there to philosophize, and we weren’t either.  One of the actors in our group recently quit his job on a hit television show to go to work for the Obama administration, and I may or may not have voted George W. Bush as a write-in candidate in the last election, but there were no heated debates, no strange agendas or conflict.  Just like the soldiers are there for one purpose, to execute the orders of the President, we were there for one purpose, to thank those troops for that service.  It couldn’t have been a more neutral, positive experience.

One request we did hear again and again from the troops was to simply tell their story, and what a story it is.  A story of bravery, hardship, camaraderie, and sacrifice… But there is something else, something I had never realized before.  Time and time again the people doing these difficult jobs told us how much they actually like it.  To a selfish man like me, that prospect had never entered my mind.  I assumed the people who join the military were taking one on the chin out of a sense of duty, and to be sure, that is part of it, but there is a beauty in what they do that isn’t a labor at all.  When a sailor on the Eisenhower wakes up every morning, he knows his place in the world.  He has a specific function, and is highly trained and very, very good at his job.  And he lives in dedicated service to no less worthy a cause than the defense of his home and his family.  There is a peace and a confidence in that sort of life that I think a lot of us would be very lucky indeed to find in our own.  These are not mindless cogs in the military machine.  These are free men and women living rich, full lives in service of a noble calling.  They deserve our support and our thanks, yes, but they may deserve something of our envy as well.

In the end, the whole experience was just spectacular.  All of the actors felt the same, and we all look forward to our next outing with this great organization.   It would be a glorious day if the USO had to turn people away because they were simply overwhelmed with volunteers wanting to thank our troops, and I think that if more entertainers knew what a fantastic experience it is, that day would be now.  I got on the plane this first time because Gary Sinise, who gives more of his time in tribute to our Armed Forces than just about anyone, speaks so highly of his travels with the USO.  I will do it again because of what a remarkable time it was, and what remarkable group of people the men and women of the United States Military actually are.   I hope others give it a try as well.

THE WORLD TODAY: A News Summary

May 2009

BONN (EU News) – The current CSPEU administration has decided to increase productivity by lowering the age that children are required to enter the workforce from nine to eight years of age. The EU Vice Minister for the Interior states the lowering of the work age is due to an increased shortage of youthful workers. “It’s a reflection of the ongoing fighting between our peaceful union and the obstinate Russians.”

Citizens and subjects in the 18-25 age bracket have seldom been seen in recent years. The Vice Minister commented on this by stating, “This temporary downturn in our youthful population is insignificant compared to the tremendous loss of life on the Russian side. Though our rockets delivering Vemork V weapons obliterated St. Petersburg and most of Moscow years ago, the Russians, though scattered and ill equipped, still choose to resist to this very day. It staggers the mind why they wish to continue their own misery. “

The Vice Minister added, “England, on the other hand, fell very quickly after we dropped only a mere one quarter megaton of heavy water (D₂O) weaponry on their proud London back in 1946. Of course, we could continue to bombard the Russian outposts like we did London and where Paris once was, but it would contaminate any remaining soil. We’ve been trying to avoid this drastic measure. We are humanitarians, after all.”

The Vice Minister continued, “More to the point, it is vital to emphasize that the biological surrogate guardians of children reaching their seventh birthday are now required by law to enter their offspring’s identity number with a nearby STC (State Training Center) to begin the one year transition to the workforce. It is mandatory they comply with the new law. Penalties are harsh.”

EU News has faithfully reported in the past that administration policy is very clear on this issue. Biological surrogate guardians, bio-guardians, who refuse to surrender their unlawful offspring in a timely manner, will be sequestered by the administration’s Ministry of Adult Education for an indefinite period of time. Consequently, children found unattended will be conscripted into the workforce with any surviving surrogates losing visiting rights.

The Vice Minister added, “It’s in every bio-guardians’ interest to register the Fatherland’s children early. The earlier these children start their lives the easier it will be for them to make the transition from their surrogate households and purge those troubled lives from memory. It’s for their own good to cut those ties early. It’s natural and it’s the law.”

The governing Commanding Socialist Party of the European Union has announced that they have apprehended another 2500 political criminals across the nation. These individuals will be held temporarily in one of the New Spandau prison system facilities outside the EU Capital Center in Bonn until such time that more permanent facilities can be arranged, if needed.

In other news, the incoming Director of the Ministry of Allocations and Provisions has announced new shipments of household goods to be rationed out to the populace beginning next month as part of the new modernization plan.

“Citizens throughout the inner Fatherland nations of Deutschland, Austria and Switzerland in residential blocks A thru F can once again begin signing up for bread, water, salt, kerosene, and toilet paper as promised.”  The Director stated in an uplifting speech given earlier this week. ”Citizens in residential blocks G thru P can begin signing-up for potatoes, cloth, canvas, shoe leather, and slag metal. Citizens in blocks Q thru Z can sign-up for milk, cheese, and butter substitutes. These blocks will rotate. Everyone will eventually get a chance at all the household goods and items as required by law. Anyone found forging identity cards, ration coupons, altering their derma scancode, or cheating the system in any way will be dealt with harshly.”

The Director continued, “Subjects in outlying regions of old Europe, including territories referred to previously as Britain, Spain, France, Belgium, Luxemburg, Italy, Malta, Sardinia, Corsica, Sicily, Scandinavia, Poland, Turkey, Czechoslovakia, Romania, and Bulgaria will begin similar initiatives as soon as allocations within the inner Fatherland areas are completed and fully verified. The same waiting period applies to the new North and South Amerikan territories in accordance with the Colonial Affairs Ministry which has local jurisdiction for those continents.”

The Director concluded with these words of reassurance, “Subjects in frontier regions such as Afrika will begin an experimental allocation program. The details of which are not to be made public at this time. The difficulties in supplying the vast continent of Afrika are enormous, as many are aware. I urge our subjects in Afrika to be patient. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and the pestilent Jews and gypsies weren’t purged from our streets in a week! These things take time, but as we know, they do get done. ”

In Asian news, the Empire of Japan stated there was a brief power outage at a Human Resources Productivity Center in former Ceylon. About 70,000 workers suffocated in one of the vast underground graphite mines when the air supply was interrupted for several hours due to the power outage. The mine was flooded with hydrofluoric acid to aid in the cleaning and speedy removal of remains. Relatives are reminded that religious services for the deceased are prohibited.

A high-ranking official with Human Resources stated (off-the-record), “It (power outage) was most likely due to attempted sabotage by rebels.” He added, “We get troublemakers stirring things up from time to time. They’re just pests. And we have experience dealing with pests. It will be dealt with.”

Within hours of that statement approximately four hundred suspects were taken into custody from the outlying region and are presently assisting HR with inquiries. Next of kin will be notified where appropriate.

In a related story, the highly decorated Imperial Swordsman Unit of the Empire’s Honor Guard, known for their much-prized ability to dispatch multiple opponents while on horseback, is no longer recruiting volunteers from the populace to assist the unit in training and practice.

In agricultural news, the expansive rice crop harvest in the region has shown high increases in yields due to the new extended work hours. A government source stated, ”We’ve seen an enormous growth potential in limiting the amount of sleep our workers receive. By modeling their sleep habits on other animals, such as dogs and livestock, and supplementing this with pharmaceutical conditioning we’ve been able to reduce the total sleep time per day to 2.5 hours per subject. It’s a tremendous achievement. We plan to implement our research into all other areas of the labor force. This is a very exciting time in the field of science.”

Other so-called outsider regions known previously as Korea, Indonesia, Hong Kong, Macau, Singapore, Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, and Burma, now generally referred to collectively as Gaidashu, have seen only moderate yields. GACPS has announced plans to implement more robust cultural and genetic reintegration of these outlying regions, stating, “Citizens of even the most outlying regions of the Greater Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere must remember that the official language is Japanese and use of other, outsider, mongrel tongues is not only forbidden but is a direct insult to their role as subject in the service of the Empire. We have a no tolerance policy.” Violators of this policy, EU News has been told, will be transported to one of the following: Re-Education and Conscription Centers, dojos for assisting martial training of the military and to National Health Centers for volunteer work on pathogenic and contagious diseases research.

In a related story, the Empire’s successful testing of chemical and biological agents inside Manchuko, formerly known as China and Manchuria has yielded another 20 million liters of Cyanogen and Cyclosarin material necessary to ensure continued peace. Volunteers are still being recruited from the still mainly Chinese population in the area, eager to do their part in helping the Empire to attain its goals.

A government official remarking on a recent news blackout in the area stated, ”When testing such huge amounts such as we are required to do, accidents can and will happen. It’s part of the risk. Furthermore, we are announcing that several cities in the Sechuan area are off limits until further notice. Subjects who have relatives in these areas in former Southern China are reminded to be patient. Inquiries, as per government policy, will not be accepted. Trust is required. We are certain each and every subject understands this and will comply with regulations.”  He warned, “Be advised. Causing any disruption over this issue, or any other, is bound to meet with the strictest and most severe disciplinary action.”

That’s the way it is, May 2009. Good night and good luck.

(The information ministries of the Commanding Socialist Party of the European Union and Greater Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere contributed to this report. This news summary has been translated from German and Japanese into English for educational purposes only.)

Link: THE WORLD TODAY

Copyright © CSPEU/GACPS 2009.

What you have just read never happened. It is not the world we are living in today.

Thank you to all the men and women of the United States Armed Forces who gave their youth, their health and their lives over sixty years ago to prevent the nightmare such as the one depicted above from becoming today’s reality.

Not only on Memorial Day, but other days as well, let us take time to reflect on all that we have gained from those who gave everything they had.

- Schizoid Mann