I wish.  But then, I’m a trial lawyer and I could use a new house.

Sadly, the real world is much more esoteric than the portrait Hollywood paints, and the real threat is not quite so picturesque.  Instead of corporate death squads composed of hardboiled mercenaries with high tech assault rifles, the real killers are boring jihadi doofuses with dusty AKs, booby-trapped Fiats and the occasional boxcutter.   

Let’s stop and check the numbers.  Real terrorists, counting the victims of 9/11 and American losses in Iraq and Afghanistan: Over 7900 murdered. Victims of corporate murder: Zero. Nada. Zip. I would add in the number of Iraqis and Afghanis murdered by these folks, except that toll is beyond counting.  And to many liberals, their lives don’t seem to count anyway.

Oh, wait, this is where some feverish troll jumps on his iMac and starts spouting off about Karen Silkwood. Silkwood was a union organizer at a plutonium reprocessing plant who crashed and died one night in 1974.  You probably remember the shower scene in the film of the same name where the evil corporate minions not-so-gently decontaminate a shrieking Meryl Streep.   It’s an article of faith among the paranoid left that the evil company ran her car off the road.  You know it has to be true because in the movie before the crash, a pair of headlights looms ominously behind Streep as she drives to a meeting with a reporter.

Heck, I’m convinced.  Those headlights did look really ominous.  

And it’s a pretty plausible scenario too.  The smart move for any multi-billion dollar company facing an expose is to murder the reporters’ source.  No way that could possibly wrong.  It’s much more plausible – and exciting – than her falling asleep and driving into a ditch because of the double dose of Quaalude in her bloodstream like the police concluded.

At least “24″ has an excuse – after seven seasons, it’s pretty much run out of villains, and it certainly has had no problem in the past pointing out that jihadis, you know, really do want to kill Americans.  But others do not have that excuse. 

The homicidal business man is their default villain.  It’s become something more than even a cliché – it’s an assumption.   A businessman appears on screen and you can just assume he’s going to try to off the hero.  That the concept of corporate assassins is objectively ridiculous is not an obstacle.  Remember, these people also think the key to improving health care is to let the same kind of geniuses behind the Department of Motor Vehicles control it. 

Liberal Hollywood loves corporate villains because to face up to the real threat is just too great a challenge to their world view.  Business people?  Bad.  Third world guys who hate America?  “Well, let’s just forget about them and make the villain a drug company that just happens to employ an elite team of contract killers.  Now, where’s my swine flu vaccine?”

Gimme a break.  Even if our bankers, financiers and industrialists wanted to pull off one of these intricate conspiracies, does it really seem like they could?  Look at the news.  Big business can’t even do what it’s supposed to do anymore, much less mastermind fiendish schemes.  Could the brain trust at Wachovia whack an opponent?  They can’t even keep their doors open.  Countrywide would bring the same precise attention to detail to its wet work as it did to its underwriting – and miss the target every time.  GM and Chrysler’s hitmen would organize.  The next thing we would hear is that International Brotherhood of Termination Workers Local 187 is on strike for a cushy jobs bank to retrain snipers with trigger finger repetitive stress injuries to reclassify as car bombers.  And card check would just make it worse.

That assumes that hitmen could keep their jobs at all in this economy.  Murder is not a profit center and corporations are cutting back.  Look for hordes of unemployed button men downtown holding signs saying “Will kill for food” standing next to laid-off New York Times writers promising “Will shill shamelessly for $.”

Where would the companies find these killers anyway – on Craigslist, between the ads for $5 used sofas and creepy adult encounters?  Hollywood always makes these thugs ex-military, which makes sense since the government tells us that veterans are violent extremists.  Still, I must have missed the corporate recruiter’s booth at the veterans job fair promising prospects the chance to “Come grow with us as you kill with us.”   

The fact is that today’s corporate environment is no place for self-respecting hitmen – excuse me, hitpeople.  The Director of Diversity would constantly be hounding them with PowerPoint presentations about their failure to meet her goal of increasing the number of differently-abled lesbian Hindu assassins by 43.2%.  And don’t get her started on how pistol silencers “send a message of non-inclusiveness through their phallocentric appearance.”

Tonight’s drinking game: Jack Head Twitches!

Make sure to use the new live-blog software.

I mean, when someone like George Soros, who collaborated with the Nazis, compared George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler, am I the only one who wondered if he meant it as a compliment?

Or take Janeane Garofalo, who says stupid things with such regularity you might take her for a sulky teenager even though she’s 44 years old.  Because she is an ignoramus and has the self-righteous attitude of an adolescent brat, she was a perfect fit for Air America, where she and Al Franken competed to see which of them could attract fewer listeners.

For those of you who have managed to go through life without ever having heard the nasty sound bites for which she’s best known, your good luck is about to run out. 

On one occasion, she said, “Our country is founded on a sham.  Our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way.  So when I see the American flag, I go, ‘Oh, my god, you’re insulting me.’  That you can have a gay pride parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float, cheering, ‘We’re here and we’re queer!’ — that’s what makes my heart swell.  Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag.  I get choked up with pride.”

Another time, she announced, “The world would be better off with multiple superpowers.  When the Soviet Union was a superpower, the world was better off.”

I’m sure when she shared that thought with her fellow pinheads on New York’s upper Westside, there was a lot of solemn head nodding and people turning to one another, martini in hand, and saying, “That little girl has a damn good head on her shoulders.”

On the other hand, if she’d made such a moronic statement in Poland, Latvia, Czechoslovakia, East Germany or Hungary, I’d like to think she’d have gotten her block knocked off.

It’s usually difficult to figure out why anyone who grows up with all the advantages that go with being born in America and enjoying a moderately successful career, would hate the country as much as she does.  But, at the risk of being tossed out of the layman’s psychiatric association, it’s hard not to view her as someone who has devoted her life to rebelling against mommy and daddy.  After all, her mother worked as a secretary in the petrochemical industry and her father was an executive with Enron!

Not too surprisingly, Ms. Garofalo is a confirmed atheist, toured on behalf of Code Pink and campaigned for Howard Dean.  Take that, Mom and Dad!  For good measure, in the early 90s, she got married in a Vegas chapel.  Whether she and the groom, a fellow named Robert Cohen, were or weren’t drunk at the time, they soon separated, although, for reasons of their own, never bothered getting divorced.

Although she came to be fairly well known because of her role in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs,” she claims she despised the movie because she regards it as anti-feminist.  One wonders why, that being the case, she didn’t turn down the role after reading the script.  But, for someone who is so vehement in her opinions about those she regards as hypocrites, the lady manages to cut herself a great deal of slack.

Ms. Garofalo is barely five feet tall, which meant that in “Cats and Dogs,” because the star was Uma Thurman, she often had to stand on a soap box in scenes with the six-foot tall actress.  She must have enjoyed the experience, because in the 13 years since, she has rarely climbed down from her soap box.

Besides having had parents who worked in industries Ms. Garofalo hates, she isn’t too happy about the hand or, rather, the size and shape God dealt her.  As she says about prepping to be a stand-up comedienne, “I was a 36C or D and at 5′1″, I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy.  It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me.  Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job.  I went down to a B-cup, and it was the best thing in the world.”

Now, why would she assume people would mock her just because she was busty?  Obviously, it’s because if she were the one sitting in the audience, she’d be the one snickering and heckling.  On the other hand, it’s really just about impossible not to mock someone who compares studying hard in college and graduate school to going to a plastic surgeon one afternoon for a breast reduction procedure.  Funny, but when I think of something to compare it to, the first thing that comes to mind is a nose job.

She has directed much of her anger over the years at society for putting pressure on women to conform to body image ideals.  And yet in pursuit of a feature role in “Jerry Maguire,” she lost a good deal of weight, only to discover that Renee Zellweger had snagged the part.

One could almost feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a nasty piece of work.  When speaking about Sarah Palin, Garofalo said, “There is definitely something wrong about her.”  I assumed she had something in mind aside from the governor’s being smart, attractive and happily married.  But when she got down to specifics, the best she could come up with was that Gov. Palin was small-minded and mean-spirited, whereas she, herself, is obviously open-minded and a real sweetie pie.

When it comes to right-wingers in general, she brayed, “The reason a person is a conservative Republican is because something is wrong with them.  That’s science — that’s neuroscience.  You cannot be well-adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a Republican.  It’s counter-intuitive.”  That’s sure a lot of big words wasted only to prove what a small and petty mind she possesses.

About the recent tea parties, the all-seeing, all-knowing Garofalo, who naturally didn’t attend one, says, “Let’s be very honest about what this is about.  This is not about bashing Democrats.  It’s not about taxes.  They have no idea what the Boston Tea Party was about.  They don’t know their history at all.  It’s about having a black man in the White House.  This is racism straight up and is nothing but a bunch of tea-bagging rednecks.  There is no way around that.”

I can’t help thinking that when the surgeon reduced her breasts, he got carried away and also removed most of her heart. She’s also a sell-out.  How else to explain why she’d accept a role on “24,” portraying FBI Special Agent Janis Gold, whose mission is investigating terrorists?

But just maybe Janeane Garofalo isn’t quite as unaware of the sad truth about herself as she would have us believe.  After all, it isn’t as if her production company woke up one day and decided to name itself I Hate Myself Productions.

BurtPrelutsky@aol.com

Of course, in real life this is impossible – it’s what we call fantasy.

But, not anymore. Today if such actions occurred it real life, it would simply be called criminal.

Because it has… and it was.

Earlier today President Obama said charges might be brought against those evil Bush lawyers behind the just-released memos justifying the harsh interrogation techniques used against folks who wanted to blow up our country. Or more specifically, blow up Los Angeles.

Which is why I brought up “24.” Not only is it about this sort of thing, it’s made in Los Angeles, a place that might have been totally screwed, if it weren’t for those evil lawyers. Writing in the Washington Post, Marc A. Thiessen refers to a memo noting that “enhanced techniques” led to the discovery of a Second Wave attack determined to crash an airliner into the Library Tower, the tallest building on the west coast. Thiessen writes that the info culled using these interrogations led to the arrest of those in charge of attempting this attack.

Now, Thiessen was once a Bush speechwriter, but that doesn’t take away from his point: that although Obama released memos revealing the interrogation techniques, what those actions actually achieved is blacked out.

And that’s the scary part. Usually what goes on behind the scenes is what keeps us alive. Now we know, however, that not only does our President find that sort of thing distasteful – as a consequence, he’s open to sharing this info with everyone.

Except the part where it says it works.

Jack Bauer is officially dead.

Tonight, we’ve got Marc A. Thiessen, comedian Jesse Joyce, the lovely Anna David, and Jonathan Hoenig. Plus Pink Eyes from F**KED UP.

Still at another place and time we had Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.) who in keeping with the nasty spirit of Garofalo blasted the Tea Party events in her own unique, elitist way. Quote: “It’s despicable that right-wing Republicans would attempt to cheapen a significant, honorable moment of American history with a shameful political stunt.” What’s “despicable” and “shameful” to me is the contempt Rep. Schakowsky seems to hold for average American citizens who chose to get out there on April 15th and exercise their rights under the First Amendment. It has become blatantly obvious by those on the left, First Amendment rights only apply to them and to their agenda. I guess the rest of us should just stay home and eat cake. Once again, FTS. 

Well, after a while, it started to dawn on me, I was stuck in a quandary with this angry post I’d written and didn’t want to let these suckers get the best of me. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I decided to step back.  Relax. Took a deep breath and looked around. There must be something better than this?  I thought, I have a choice as to how I want to proceed here. Hell yeah! 

I decided rather than focus on this pathetic Hollywood creature and her super snob sister in Congress; I’d try a different approach.  

It hit me. As easy as changing the channel on “24,” I decided to look for a positive story. A story that made you feel good and there she was… Susan Boyle. A 47 year overnight sensation of a lady, who “dreamed the dream” and had the guts to go for it. Susan Boyle, at first glance not much to look at but oh how she soared when the music began to play. Standing alone on a stage, in England last week, she knocked the socks off all who heard her lovely voice.  She touched a chord in me, creating a magical moment forever captured in time. Susan Boyle is a great story about what’s good in the world. 

If that’s not enough, how about the story of Anvil? From Victor Hugo to the heaviest of metal, one end of the spectrum to the other. Check it out.  After my wife and I left the Tea Party at the Santa Monica Pier on Wednesday we decided to head over to the Nuart Theatre to see the documentary “Anvil! The Story of Anvil.” Now granted, I’m no big fan of heavy metal music but I enjoy documentaries of all kinds.  I’m a sap for stories such as this one.  Let me tell you, similar thing as with Susan Boyle… Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow and his best friend Robb Reiner are guys in their early fifties who’ve known each other since they were teenagers.  Founders of the band, Anvil, we follow them around as they tell their story which spans for 30 plus years struggling to make it. ‘Lips’ and Robb are the heart and soul of this film. You root for these guys from the get go. Good men along with the families who love and support them. The ‘little heavy metal engine that could’ with a dash of “Spinal Tap.” Needless to say, this movie was a labor of love by all involved and hit all the right notes for me. 

These two stories have one thing in common…having a dream and the desire to make it happen. Decent, hard-working souls who earned the opportunity to drink from the silver cup of success.  Sweet. What could be better than that? 

Not much. 

I have to admit, after writing about these individuals and sharing bits about their stories, I feel much better. Not so angry. Thoughts and words out here in cyberspace about what’s good and right in the world. 

Winners and losers. The choice is yours. 

In an effort to bring this piece back home to where I began with the Tea Parties, a wise man told me some years ago, it’s better to be for something rather than against something. 

Keeping that in mind, I came across these five points posted at the Dallas Tea Party website. I made copies of them which I shared with some of the folks at the Santa Monica Tea Party. Grassroots thing. Good stuff to remember, to focus on for a future events, for the sake of our country. I’d be willing to bet, for many people out at the Tea Parties last week; this kind of sums it up: 

What we stand for:

1. Limited Government – As our Founding Fathers recognized, restraint of government is necessary to protect the liberties of the people.

2. Fiscal Responsibility – Government at all levels must learn to live within its means. To saddle future generations with the crushing burden of excess spending is unconscionable.

3. Personal Responsibility – Liberty is unsustainable without responsibility. Each citizen must take responsibility for the consequences of his or her own actions while respecting the rights and dignity of others.

4. The Rule of Law – Consistent, independent and uniform application of law is critical to a free and prosperous society.

5. National Sovereignty – We must maintain a strong national defense, effective security for our borders, and sole control over land and our laws.

Finally,to all those Americans, who proudly took to the streets on April 15th and let your voices be heard, congratulations. As with another great story which took place in the city of Boston back in December of 1773, you made a statement. Took a first step, despite what critics had to say, in my book, that makes you winners. 

Happy trails…

I caught a media screening of the new Russell Crowe flick, State of Play, in Chicago this week.  It did not disappoint.  The film’s trailers promise a taut, political thriller with a number of dramatic plot twists–and the movie delivers a pretty solid pay-off.  I’ll admit in advance that I was predisposed to enjoy this film, so take my analysis with a few grains of salt: 

1. I love this genre, and since many of these types of movies end up being terribly disappointing, a fairly well-executed thriller with a decent plot is more than enough to satisfy this customer.

2. I got to screen a movie for free that I was planning to plunk down $10 for.  Did that win the movie some points in my book before it even began?  Sure.  Should it have?  Probably not, but whatever…I’m 24.  I’ll happily take the freebie. 

3. The cast contained a number of my favorites, and remaining stars got the job done.  

Crowe, despite being a reputed Class-A jerk, is a phenomenal actor.  His portrayal of a gritty, old-school investigative journalist was very well done.  As a journalism school grad, I still have a soft spot for characters like this, and he nailed it.  The tense garage scene may have been an homage to All The Presidents Men.

Rachel McAdams did a nice job as an up-and-coming blogger who stumbles on a massive story.  Her performance didn’t overwhelm, but she pulled of her role nicely.  Plus, she’s really cute.

Helen Mirren captures perfectly the conflicted role of a news veteran trying to balance her new bosses’ demands for profits with her ingrained sense of responsible news-gathering.  One of the film’s minor themes is the modern decline of newspapers, addressing the desperation in trying to stay relevant–and afloat.

Jason Bateman’s character–a public relations playboy–provides some comic relief that cuts the otherwise nonstop tension.  He’s not just a funnyman, though.  It’s still difficult for me to see Bateman and not think, “Michael Bluth,” which isn’t a bad thing. 

Ben Affleck did a serviceable job as a young Congressman making his way through DC, contending with outside adversaries, personal failings, party politics, and quite a few secrets.  Despite being a featured player in the film, Affleck didn’t ruin it. (Can you tell I’m not an admirer?) 

Jeff Daniels channeled the role of hack politician to a T.  It was almost as if he spent some time in DC prepping for the role. 

Conservatives will certainly have a few gripes with the film, especially the fact that one of its main villains is a big, bad defense contractor run amok.  (Did State of Play’s producers exchange notes with the 24 guys at some point?  They might as well have called the evil company “Starkwood”).  Some may also bristle at the heroic portrayal of the journalists, who at least appear to be the only moral players in the plot.

Despite these quibbles, I’d still recommend seeing the movie.  It didn’t have too many edge-of-your-seat moments, but a few developments drew gasps from the crowd.  The plot was clever enough, and it lacked the tedious predictability from which many similar films suffer.

I’d give it a solid B.

State of Play opens nationwide Friday.